Problem: Being taken seriously
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 63
Problem: Being taken seriously
Hi guys, I know I have a problem...so why do people dismiss it?
As I've explained in a few of my other posts, I did not have a drink every day but rather went into binges where I drank till I blacked out. I woke often having no recollection of the night before and in a dark depression with an altered mental state. I knew I was still in there somewhere but could not think straight for days. I am not able to enjoy a drink or two without getting an overwhelming craze to get hammered. The problem is that only those closest to me have seen how destructive my behavior is through drink so when I try to explain why I don't drink aged only 24, they dismiss my problem. I always get questioned as to why I'm not drinking like other people my age and often just shrug it off. In the rare occurence that I admit that I have a problem they look at me like an idiot and shrug it off. Often they say things like, "Ah, your just being a young guy." This doesn't help my sober brain as it fights the side trying to reason me in to having a drink.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has encountered this problem and if so, what do they think is the best way to handle this?
As I've explained in a few of my other posts, I did not have a drink every day but rather went into binges where I drank till I blacked out. I woke often having no recollection of the night before and in a dark depression with an altered mental state. I knew I was still in there somewhere but could not think straight for days. I am not able to enjoy a drink or two without getting an overwhelming craze to get hammered. The problem is that only those closest to me have seen how destructive my behavior is through drink so when I try to explain why I don't drink aged only 24, they dismiss my problem. I always get questioned as to why I'm not drinking like other people my age and often just shrug it off. In the rare occurence that I admit that I have a problem they look at me like an idiot and shrug it off. Often they say things like, "Ah, your just being a young guy." This doesn't help my sober brain as it fights the side trying to reason me in to having a drink.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has encountered this problem and if so, what do they think is the best way to handle this?
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
The thing is, it's your issue, not theirs. What they think of you is none of your business! Other people will say and do as they wish and we just have to keep on keeping on. I have about 5 months sober and I just say no thanks, or to people I feel a bit more at ease with I'll say "oh, I haven't drank in months...". If they press, I've actually told them it's none of their f'in business.
That said, I'm 43, so maybe peer-wise it makes sobriety easier, even though I have many years of being a drunk under my belt. I do remember trying to get sober in my mid 20's and beyond and dealing with extreme pressure. Even horrible pressure to drink from my employer at that time
If you feel like making excuses will make things easier, you could say you're on medication, or a diet, or whatever you feel like making up to help you. I know it isn't good to lie but I think sobriety must come first. I wish I had gotten sober at age 24 instead of 43. Congratulations on your sober time and your thoughtfulness in dealing with it!
That said, I'm 43, so maybe peer-wise it makes sobriety easier, even though I have many years of being a drunk under my belt. I do remember trying to get sober in my mid 20's and beyond and dealing with extreme pressure. Even horrible pressure to drink from my employer at that time
If you feel like making excuses will make things easier, you could say you're on medication, or a diet, or whatever you feel like making up to help you. I know it isn't good to lie but I think sobriety must come first. I wish I had gotten sober at age 24 instead of 43. Congratulations on your sober time and your thoughtfulness in dealing with it!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I call myself an alcoholic because when I pick up a drink I have no control over how much I'll drink or what I'll do/say. That's what we mean by being powerless over alcohol.
It only matters what YOU think. Ignore everyone else.
It only matters what YOU think. Ignore everyone else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
I call myself an alcoholic because when I pick up a drink I have no control over how much I'll drink or what I'll do/say.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
We all have a choice of where to get off the elevator of alcoholism. We do not have to hit the bottom where we are literally staring at the curb, living just for the next bottle, homeless, no friends, driven away family, waiting to die, etc....
Too often people who are not alcoholics do not get that concept and think if you are not lying in the gutter then you can not be an alcoholic. Just remember they mean well but are ignorant of the reality of alcoholism. You have to follow your gut and heart in this and if it tells you that you have a problem then you have a problem. It ultimately does not matter what others think what matters if getting help for our disease.
Too often people who are not alcoholics do not get that concept and think if you are not lying in the gutter then you can not be an alcoholic. Just remember they mean well but are ignorant of the reality of alcoholism. You have to follow your gut and heart in this and if it tells you that you have a problem then you have a problem. It ultimately does not matter what others think what matters if getting help for our disease.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 52
I have gotten the same responses and since some of the company I kept were very heavy drinkers they can't understand why I'm not drinking and were really putting on the pressure. To them I don't have a problem and neither do they but I found my bottom because I decided to stop digging. They don't have to deal with my issues because they're MY issues so they don't really know what I'm dealing with.
I'm younger as well, 32, but not as young as you so I can only imagine the pressure you are getting. Stay strong!
I don't like to lie but I used an excuse that I'm on medication for my liver. It helped me ease off the pressure.
Best of luck.
I'm younger as well, 32, but not as young as you so I can only imagine the pressure you are getting. Stay strong!
I don't like to lie but I used an excuse that I'm on medication for my liver. It helped me ease off the pressure.
Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
A lot of people will trivialize your problem because they are secretly concerned about their own drinking, and dismissing your concerns are a way of dismissing their own fears about themselves. I certainly did it when I was drinking. I subconsciously realized that if I acknowledged that Friend X had a serious problem and should quit drinking -- then shouldn't I, too? I drink just as much..,
GG
GG
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
If by people.....you mean other drinkers....it's rather a waste of time to explain why you no longer wish to drink.
My drinking friends mostly drifted away when I declared I was heading into a healthy sober future..and had joined AA. They thought I was off my rocker.
Yes it did hurt....but also gave me time to find sober friends in AA...no explanations were needed with them.....
We knew each other tho we had not yet met.
I'm glad you are keeping your sobreity..it's really in your best interest to do so...
My drinking friends mostly drifted away when I declared I was heading into a healthy sober future..and had joined AA. They thought I was off my rocker.
Yes it did hurt....but also gave me time to find sober friends in AA...no explanations were needed with them.....
We knew each other tho we had not yet met.
I'm glad you are keeping your sobreity..it's really in your best interest to do so...
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
YES - all my friends told me this when I first started thinking I had a problem at around 23-24.
My mistake was I listened to them and continued to drink until I was an every day drinker, pounding down a fifth of vodka every night. They took me seriously then....
Don't listen to your friends, especially if you drink with them. If they are so quick to dismiss your concerns it could be that they don't want to have their own behavior called into question.
Best wishes
My mistake was I listened to them and continued to drink until I was an every day drinker, pounding down a fifth of vodka every night. They took me seriously then....
Don't listen to your friends, especially if you drink with them. If they are so quick to dismiss your concerns it could be that they don't want to have their own behavior called into question.
Best wishes
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
My experience matches eJoshua's - I already had a DWI under my belt at 19; was losing jobs and questioning whether I had a problem or not, and kept being pulled back in. I worried too much about what my friends thought at the time.
Set me up for another fifteen years of big time losses and failing health; long after those same friends dumped me because I became too problematic to be hanging out with because of the way I acted when I was drunk.
Today, one of them is so sick with alcoholism, she goes days at a time not knowing where she is; spent jail time for pulling a knife on her parents, and I'm afraid she's not gonna be around much longer.
I guess the object lesson for me was that if you make your friends the priority over your recovery; you'll become sicker and they will just move on.
Set me up for another fifteen years of big time losses and failing health; long after those same friends dumped me because I became too problematic to be hanging out with because of the way I acted when I was drunk.
Today, one of them is so sick with alcoholism, she goes days at a time not knowing where she is; spent jail time for pulling a knife on her parents, and I'm afraid she's not gonna be around much longer.
I guess the object lesson for me was that if you make your friends the priority over your recovery; you'll become sicker and they will just move on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 144
I think deep at the core of each individual one takes care of him or herself first hence the reason why what you percieve as an issue is dismissed or is a rather non issue from others. I've had the same experience and really it only causes strife within myself as it creates thoughts which lean toward "the everything is ok" mindset. We must change our thinking
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
I have kind of the opposite problem. I don't have 'drinking buddies' because I always drank 'alcoholically' alone and 'normally' on the rare occasions I socialised.
I have a few friends here, all connected to my job, so I don't actually want them to know of my problem. This presents a whole new set of problems (like how to explain away these two weeks off work).
Anyhow, one time I sort of tried to tell one girl that it was kind of an issue and she said 'but you don't drink that much!'. I instantly felt completely alone and misunderstood, and realised (as others have said) the HUGE gap between those who live with this problem and those who do not.
I concluded that it's best just simply not to go there. It can do more harm than good.
There's no need to explain anything. If it comes up socially I plan on simply saying I'm off the sauce, and if they push I will use the medication line. And if they still push I will ask them why the hell they care :-)
The problem will be my parents. If I decline the one glass of wine they have per year with Christmas dinner they will be instantly suspicious (they knew I had a problem before and I've been lying about it ever since, saying it's not an issue any more). Can't use the medication line on them or it will raise even more questions - sigh. Still figuring that one out.
To the OP, if you don't want to drink like a fish with or without your mates, then don't. That's more important than anything else. If you stand firm, they will get used to it. The questions will stop, and they'll move on. Anyone who doesn't like it, well... you know. Certainly don't let their 'oh it's normal at your age, lighten up' lines de-rail you. YOU know YOU and what you have to do. They don't dictate it for you. But I get that it's hard. It's even harder to slide down into alcoholism and get out of it again.
You sound very sane and wise and perceptive. Good luck to you.
BB
I have a few friends here, all connected to my job, so I don't actually want them to know of my problem. This presents a whole new set of problems (like how to explain away these two weeks off work).
Anyhow, one time I sort of tried to tell one girl that it was kind of an issue and she said 'but you don't drink that much!'. I instantly felt completely alone and misunderstood, and realised (as others have said) the HUGE gap between those who live with this problem and those who do not.
I concluded that it's best just simply not to go there. It can do more harm than good.
There's no need to explain anything. If it comes up socially I plan on simply saying I'm off the sauce, and if they push I will use the medication line. And if they still push I will ask them why the hell they care :-)
The problem will be my parents. If I decline the one glass of wine they have per year with Christmas dinner they will be instantly suspicious (they knew I had a problem before and I've been lying about it ever since, saying it's not an issue any more). Can't use the medication line on them or it will raise even more questions - sigh. Still figuring that one out.
To the OP, if you don't want to drink like a fish with or without your mates, then don't. That's more important than anything else. If you stand firm, they will get used to it. The questions will stop, and they'll move on. Anyone who doesn't like it, well... you know. Certainly don't let their 'oh it's normal at your age, lighten up' lines de-rail you. YOU know YOU and what you have to do. They don't dictate it for you. But I get that it's hard. It's even harder to slide down into alcoholism and get out of it again.
You sound very sane and wise and perceptive. Good luck to you.
BB
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
This is one of the reasons I don't discuss it with people who still drink. They either don't have a problem so don't understand or they do have a problem and don't want a mirror (you) held up to it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 129
I think the important part of your querry lies in,
I always get questioned as to why I'm not drinking like other people my age,
This is one of the ways that alcohol can and does get to people all the time. The social pressure that makes us feel as though we "Should", or "Need" to be doing this in order to feel normal and accepted. We are not all a bunch of social robots. Each of us is their own individual. No one has to get up and put your shoes on in the mornings and face your particular sets of issues but you. In order to avoid this, one simply has to get in the mindset that this is a "me" issue not a "we" issue. I know this probably sounds a lot easier said than it is done. But it is very possible. I quit drinking when I was 18. I faced all the same issues that you talk about, but it is simply a choice of joining in with the crowd and allowing your life to be run and ruined by that. Or look at the larger picture and realize that this is your life you are essentially talking about. That trumps the "We" mindset any day of the week in my opinion.
I always get questioned as to why I'm not drinking like other people my age,
This is one of the ways that alcohol can and does get to people all the time. The social pressure that makes us feel as though we "Should", or "Need" to be doing this in order to feel normal and accepted. We are not all a bunch of social robots. Each of us is their own individual. No one has to get up and put your shoes on in the mornings and face your particular sets of issues but you. In order to avoid this, one simply has to get in the mindset that this is a "me" issue not a "we" issue. I know this probably sounds a lot easier said than it is done. But it is very possible. I quit drinking when I was 18. I faced all the same issues that you talk about, but it is simply a choice of joining in with the crowd and allowing your life to be run and ruined by that. Or look at the larger picture and realize that this is your life you are essentially talking about. That trumps the "We" mindset any day of the week in my opinion.
former walking pharmacy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Watertown, CT
Posts: 146
Hi ButterflyMan,
Your post really struck a chord with me because I can totally relate; I am 24 and 100% a (sober) alcoholic. I will NOT drink again, and if it means I can't be social for awhile, so be it. I stopped having fun with booze years ago, and I knew it, but I kept drinking because...well, everyone else was! I finally got it through my head that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND HAVE NO BUSINESS DRINKING...EVER!!!
That being said, I'm starting my second year at UCONN, which, if you aren't aware, is a MASSIVE party school. I'm currently living with 3 guys who I didn't know. It's only the second day but it's very clear that they like to party. They're nice guys, but...they're college kids. If I told them I was an alcoholic they'd probably think it was cool. It seems everywhere I am people are talking about drinking, drinking, drinking, blacking out, getting into fights, etc etc. Of course, when I hear them talking about drinking, all I think about is the absolute misery it caused me, and it makes me kind of sad in a way because i'm sure some of the kids here are headed down the same path as I was.
I was attending AA towards the end of last semester, and I intend to start again if i'm finding it difficult to make friends. Keep in mind that I am staying sober myself and don't 'need' the face to face support, but a) it really helps and b) it's a great way to meet people!! Something to think about...find a young people's meeting and just go to make friends. You absolutely don't have to go and 'work the program' if you don't want to...it's perfectly fine to use AA as just a way to find sober people to have fun with.
Sorry if i'm rambling...i'm glad we're both getting sober at our age.
Your post really struck a chord with me because I can totally relate; I am 24 and 100% a (sober) alcoholic. I will NOT drink again, and if it means I can't be social for awhile, so be it. I stopped having fun with booze years ago, and I knew it, but I kept drinking because...well, everyone else was! I finally got it through my head that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND HAVE NO BUSINESS DRINKING...EVER!!!
That being said, I'm starting my second year at UCONN, which, if you aren't aware, is a MASSIVE party school. I'm currently living with 3 guys who I didn't know. It's only the second day but it's very clear that they like to party. They're nice guys, but...they're college kids. If I told them I was an alcoholic they'd probably think it was cool. It seems everywhere I am people are talking about drinking, drinking, drinking, blacking out, getting into fights, etc etc. Of course, when I hear them talking about drinking, all I think about is the absolute misery it caused me, and it makes me kind of sad in a way because i'm sure some of the kids here are headed down the same path as I was.
I was attending AA towards the end of last semester, and I intend to start again if i'm finding it difficult to make friends. Keep in mind that I am staying sober myself and don't 'need' the face to face support, but a) it really helps and b) it's a great way to meet people!! Something to think about...find a young people's meeting and just go to make friends. You absolutely don't have to go and 'work the program' if you don't want to...it's perfectly fine to use AA as just a way to find sober people to have fun with.
Sorry if i'm rambling...i'm glad we're both getting sober at our age.
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