LifeBlows

And whenever he travels we always have a big dinner for him when he gets back. I know there will be alcohol there. Until I heard my mother saying she needed to buy beer I didn't have cravings about it. I just thought about taking money from the till which I just promised myself on Tuesday that I would never ever do again in the history of my life.
I guess this is my alcoholic voice trying to get me to relapse. My train of thought was that if I go to my parent's house I will be offered a beer and if I am offered a beer and drink why not just drink properly. i.e. something that has at least 20% alcohol. I want to drink until I feel numb.
I know part of this is that PAWS feeling which peaks in the first 3-5 days and then regularly after that. I know I just have to hang in there. Today is day 4.
You know its day 4 so I'm still in the PAWS zone but it is also Saturday which as I've mentioned for me means drinking.

The sun is shining outside. It reminds me of one long weekend where I stayed in and painted my living room a dark grey. I had all the blinds closed and the colour of the walls plus the dark rose carpet made the room really gloomy. I didn't speak to anyone for almost the whole weekend. I had to leave the house to get some money that I owed my family and there was sun outside and families spending time together. While I was in the house I forgot that there was a world outside and that just because my life was grinding to a halt it didn't mean that life had stopped for anyone else. I wanted at the time more than anything to have someone to hang out with and just be outside but I had no one to hang out with.

On a happier note I discovered that I could watch the full episodes of Celebrity Rehab on line. I'm working my way through Celebrity Rehab Season 2. Its fun.

sugarbear1

The first 3 months is just withdrawal. PAWS is "post" which mens after....the initial withdrawal. Best wishes

SSIL75

I remember reading a short story that had something like that in it (it was about an alcoholic) and I thought 'how depressing'. Years later I would have similar weekends. Not the painting part but just stuck inside. It felt like a 'treat' to me. I could drink ALL WEEKEND.

It's so crazy to me now. A treat?

artsoul

That urge will only go away with a good bit of time sober (that's my experience anyway). You have to get through the cravings and stay sober, no matter how you "feel."

Whenever you think about alcohol, it's always the addiction talking. Don't listen to it - just keep moving forward. Congrats on your 4 days.......

TwelveSteps

I'm not sure why you're putting yourself in this situation -- it seems like it could be trouble.

Tell your parents you're not comfortable being around people drinking at this stage of your sobriety. It's completely understandable. I have a feeling they'd rather skip the alcohol and have your company, but if not, stay home and let them know that you hope to join them next time when you are feeling up to it.

Good luck whatever happens.

GG

LifeBlows

I haven't spoken to my family about getting sober although I think that my mother can tell when I am sober. I am still embarrassed to tell them that now I have to stop drinking completely

SSIL75

IME nobody gives a ****. Seriously. All the was in my own head. Not one person has said anything bad/shaming to me since I quit drinking.

Be careful that the reason you're not telling people isn't to give yourself an 'out' so you can relapse without accountability. That was my deal for a long time.

Beebizzy

I can relate (though I never painted anything in my life) - but curtains closed, and holed up inside with my vodka (used to love it especially when the weather was bad). Like SSIL75 said - a 'treat'.

When I did go out I felt like an insect crawling out from under a rock, squinting in the light :-) And utterly intimidated by the 'normies' living happy normal wholesome family lives outside in the sun.

I'm still freaked out by that and I still don't want to go out.

Don't take money from the till (you said you wouldn't - you'll feel good if you honour that, and rubbish if you don't), and don't drink (same reasons).

Good luck to you,
BB

LifeBlows

Thanks everyone. I stayed sober yesterday night for which I am sincerely grateful. I was actually able to leave right after I made that last post. I think my cravings were aggravated by the fact that I saw my sister looking at wedding dresses online and it scared me. I am happy that she is getting married but it just brought up lots of issues for me surrounding my ability or lack thereof to maintain relationships. I started thinking about how everyone on Facebook that I went to high school with seems to already have had children and they are half the size that I am. They seem to have master's degrees galore and I am still struggling with an accounting certification that I should have earned a long time ago had I not been drinking. It made me feel bad about falling of the bandwagon about the whole going to the gym issue and eating right and about not having money to pay for a ticket to fly to the wedding and to buy a dress and whatever other expenses we are facing. But there is a whole year to the wedding though and what that time is going to look like depends on me.
If I drink its going to be completely sh*tty I just know but if I can stay sober for a whole year I could have the time of my life.

So when I got home I was absolutely miserable for a couple of hours that I did not have a drink to numb myself and thinking about those issues still makes me feel anxious and a little depressed to be frank. However I understand that one of two things is going to happen. Either I'm going to get it together and change things for the better so I don't feel so unhappy or I am going to drink again to soothe myself and then come to a year later hating myself for failing again.

yogaisland

Congrats on five days sober! I definitely encourage you to start going to the gym - not for appearance reasons, but it will make you feel better and I know at least for me after I got all sweaty working out and then got fresh and clean I did not feel like messing that up by getting drunk.

Mad4Chaos

I know what you mean. It's become apparent in my 71 days sober that my wife didn't realize I had a problem. I told her I wasn't going to drink so I could be an example of sobriety to my son, but she doesn't understand why I won't have a beer at family gatherings when my son isn't there. I'm embarrassed to tell her it's not just a moral decision, I'm also a recovering alcoholic. Just last night she became frustrated with me because I wouldn't even try a sip of home made wine her brother brought us. I know honesty is the best policy, but humiliation sucks. Best of luck to you LifeBlows.

LifeBlows

Hey Mad4Chaos - my parent's have only confronted me about my drinking a couple of times only when they really have to. Like if I got sloppy horribly drunk in front of them or if I cause a really awful financial problem. My concern is that if I say I will no longer drink their response will be you can drink just don't drink too much. I'm afraid that they will be a little put out that I cannot drink in moderation.
Congratulations on 71 days BTW. Obviously I don't know your wife but you think it might be denial instead of simply not understanding. Perhaps it would be easier to think that you were being a bit of a goof when you were drinking too much but that now you have seen the light and should be able to drink in moderation.
You know what the real deal is so stick to your guns.

Mad4Chaos

Hi LifeBlows, for the most part, I didn't drink around my wife. She knew I drank of course, but had no idea how much. I didn't want her to know. Those rare times she caught me carrying in a half gallon of vodka (most of the time she didn't catch me), I'd just tell her it was on sale & it would last me for 6 months. And she believed me.


That's good advice. If we both follow it, I think we'll be okay. Oh, and we should stay as optimistic as our usernames. Lol