checkmate1

I have found I am not as close with my friends. I have 4 good friends and although I'm still in contact with them things are different or have changed. I'm feeling good these days with 4 months of sobriety. I am more happy just within the family confines at the moment. Because I don't drink on weekends I'm chasing my friends less for something to do and am sometimes more happy and content doing my own thing and just chill at home and save money and concentrate on becoming a better person and getting more involved in my own interests.

One of my friends has said something has changed between us and when I asked what it was she said she would talk to me another day. She has only known me as a sober person (4 months) so I'm not sure what is on her mind. I have struggled with anxiety issues and that side of things have improved and after coming home from a holiday that was really freeing because I haven't had a holiday in years maybe I have changed. She said I used to love going out clubbing with her on weekends and now I don't want to as much. I'm kinda over the clubbing scene and told her I prefer just chilling out and having a chat than forcing myself to try to seem interested in clubs.

CarolD

check....
if your friendship depended on you taking her clubbing..then it was not
about friends but about her needing an escort.


Yes...many of my drinking friends drifted away when I got sober. ..and it hurt.
However...that paled when i considered how much more I liked myself ..

I grew and they stagnated in a haze of addiction. Darn shame.
I moved on with new sober friends I connected with in AA...and it's been a blast!

4 months of self discovery is awesome.........good for you!
.

newwings

Ouch, Checkmate, I'm having the same issue. It hurts, doesn't it? I'm trying not to take it personally, but it still stings

My best friend has dumped me, pretty much. She says I've changed and I'm more reserved. She would prefer to go out drinking with our other drinker friends, although she says it's not about the alcohol, which hurts even more as I guess she doesn't like the sober me. We had our first huge argument this week, where we both yelled at each other for the first time in four years. I told her she makes me feel not good enough as a sober person, she told me that I'm not so much fun any more and that she can't fill the 'gap' I have with not drinking - i.e, that I'm expecting too much from her.

I don't know..it's been an interesting four months, that's for sure. Some people have become closer to me, and some have drifted away. I've had some pleasant surprises too - new connections with people I never used to bother to spend time with because they weren't the loudest or drunkest in the room.

Are you planning to make new sober friends? I am..but I'm not sure how to go about it.

checkmate1

Yes it would be good to make sober friends newwings but going about it is the hard thing. I don't do AA and I'm not a big socializer because I have social anxiety but I'm happy the way I am at the moment and that's the main thing. I bought a gym membership and didn't use it so wasted my money there.

Beebizzy

It makes me sad to read that people lose their 'friends' when they quit drinking. I'd not have much time for anyone who gave me a hard time over that.

I sort of have the opposite challenge :-) No friends to start with (OK, 1 or 2 'live' here and a few 'virtual' in other countries) and now have to start finding some :-) Don't really care if they drink or not (socially, 'normally'), so long as they are not too drunk to hold my interest.

Not in AA so need to apply myself to finding other social contexts. Things that come to mind: book club (love reading), actually accepting invitations to things (which, incredibly, I still get), maybe (gasp) inviting people to do things myself, maybe some kind of class/group sport thing (gulp), maybe some kind of volunteer thing. All exceptionally scary but necessary.

Check, if you are at ease with your current MO (paragraph one of your post) go with it for a while. It sounds pretty awesome to me.

For Ms.Clubbing - hear her out when she deigns to disclose what gives. Till then, shelve it. But you are doing SO great and your posts have been mighty uplifting and motivating - don't let this rock your boat. As you said in your first paragraph you are doing good, 'happy and content', by yourself and with your family. Nuff said.

Good luck.

BB

eJoshua

I could have written the first paragraph of your post, checkmate. My situation is a lot like yours.

I'm not very outgoing and prefer to have only a few close friends, so when I lost almost all of the few close "friends" I had it really hurt a lot.

I'm focusing on trying to make new friends in recovery. Best of luck to you.

Beebizzy

By the way, forgot to add - I bought a skipping rope :-) Now, I know this won't make me many friends (probably the opposite LOL), but I reckon I can use it indoors if the weather is rubbish, and outdoors on my huge balcony if the weather is good.

I thought about a gym membership but they cost the earth here (Belgium) and let's face it, the park is free, running/walking in it is free and skipping on my balcony is free. And same health benefits.

Although admittedly not ideal for meeting people :-/

eJoshua

Double Dutch?

Oh wait, you're from Belgium, nevermind. :rotfxko

Sorry that was too hard to resist.

Beebizzy

ROFL :-D LOL ha ha ha. Love it. Nice one. :rotfxko

I'm actually Irish, but living in Brussels for 10 years. Oh dear, I've probably opened myself up to even more jibes. Tee hee - bring it on - I like a few giggles :-)

BB

Charon

I have heard so often at meetings "When I quit drinking I found out the people I thought were friends were really only drinking buddies that didn't even notice I was gone. Never called, never stopped by, just wrote me off. Now I have real friends, sober friends." Sad but true.

Drexo

If I would try to add a positive point on this subject, I think it is a plausible "test" to see who are your real friends. In my case, the few real friends I had and still have, would stay with me, sober or drunk. To be honest I never doubt that - that's why they're real friends!

tooling

I don't know of any other way than to lose your drinking friends and look for other ones.

I could and probably all of you make a list a page long of the things old drunk friends will think of you now vs before. And it's not worth your time and effort. One day hopefully you will come across them sober also and your friendship might resume but I suspect in a much different manor if at all.

MsJax

Congratulations on your sober time! I've realized that about my "friends" too. I used to have a ton of friends, but I know now they are nice people mostly and all, but they were drinking friends. Drink at the bar, drink at parties, that's it. It's not like I would ever have a heart to heart with these people or sit down with a cup of coffee with them. It's sad to see I had wasted years of my life with the booze.

I have about 2 people that I do things with now outside of work and that's ok. We walk and today my friend addressed my sober time and told me he was so pleased with how our friendship has endured all that life has brought us, including my alcholism. That is worth more to me than 100 drunk bar pals. Sometimes I feel "different" and I am! It's ok.

I understand your anxiety over your friend that has only known you sober-I always get nervous when people bring something like that up and that they will talk with you about it later feels weird I know.

stugotz

Losing old "friends" in sobriety is a good sign of recovery.

sable1

For me, my "friends were people who I got drunk with". Period. I lost contact with them before I stopped drinking though for other reasons, but there is no way I would have even tried to maintain a friendship with them if I had stopped drinking before that. The only thing we had in common was that we were big drinkers. And in those days when I drank I wouldn't have tried to have friendships with non-drinkers either, since I thought that they were the biggest weirdos of all

The cool thing is that I have at least one very good friend now who I have the best time with sober. Our friendship is on a whol other level than what I had when I drank a lot. We actually sit down for coffee and talk for hours about everything, sober. And we make eachother laugh and have a great time, sober.
Hoping to make more of those kind of friends in the future.

bmwcycle

I too have have lost touch with some friends, but some have understood what I am trying to accomplish, and those are the friends I choose to be with now..

The reality is that some people may only know you as the "drinker" and it will take them time to adjust just like you did.

True friends will see the real you sober or drunk!

When I first stopped drinking I want to prove to myself that I was the same and have not changed, so I tried to do the same things just not drink. After a while I just lost interest in sitting in bar for 6 hours and hearing the same stories, jokes etc. I still enjoy seeing people, I still meet people for "drinks" after work, I just excuse myself after an hour or two and leave,

It takes a while to find a balance that works for you,


Best of luck and enjoy,

Itchy

How long did it take to learn the ropes of the heavy drinking life? What to hide and what to show? That's how long it takes to adapt to the new life we have decided to live. It is a new life. Too bad we can't have all our friends join us here, but later some might.

freshstart57

" I liked you a lot better when you were drinking."

"That's funny. I liked you a lot better when I was drinking, too."

bonami

Yes, there are some of us who will stand by you during your journey to sobriety! I am the sober friend of someone in recovery and I completely support my friend's decision and efforts to stop drinking, and he knows this. Good luck to you, checkmate1, and to everyone else here!

SASA

what I realized: a friend is like family and stays with you in bad times. all the drinking buddies or so called friends only want you to drink with them and entertain them, they will not help you. I am always amazed, if something bad happens to somebody I always offer my help, a lot of friends just say oh yes that is awful and turn the other way.
They are not real friends and not woth to even think a minute about loosing them.