songsforsilence

Hello,

I am new to SR and this is my first post. I have come to this forum for a very long time and have come to find support and to keep myself present in the recovery process.

I am 24 years old. I had been a binge drinker for years - with anxiety and a side of depression, along with a lack of coping skills that I feel drove me into a bad place, repeatedly. About two months ago I binged, ended up in the hospital and decided to get myself into an outpatient treatment program and I have to say that it has changed my life. I am almost through that process and starting out with a new personal therapist and getting involved in AA. Its new, and a bit scary and unfamiliar but I see that this is the right choice for me. For the first time in years I feel like I have a clear head on my shoulders.

There is one area that I am struggling in that is consuming a lot of my headspace and emotional energy. At age 21 I married my husband (who is now 26)- who has stayed by my side through three years of hell - abusive towards eachother, my drinking, infidelity - its as though we've crammed 30 years of relationship problems into three years! Though I know that our relationship issues were the glorious work of both of us and not simply one, finding a stride now is proving to be very uncomfortable and confusing for me.

In May I moved out of our apartment and in with my parents. My husband and I had a huge fight that ended really badly (I'll spare the legal details). I filed for divorce - which I regret doing, I was upset and it was an impulse decision. About a month after that - a month of no contact, we started to speak again. We have been seeing each other since - and before I had my big binge and ending up in the hospital...things had been going well, both of us wanted to put the past behind us. My drinking had been a cause of huge friction in our marriage and nearly every huge problem that involved me happened while I was drunk, which I am disgusted by now. Anyways - this binge that landed me in the hospital was obviously the last straw - for me and for him.

At first he was very angry (rightly so) and extremely non-supportive. After a week of very little communication - he came around and supported me through treatment. We continued to see each other and it was pretty difficult during the first few weeks. We bickered constantly. About a month in things started to shift dramatically. I was feeling better and really working on my communication and coping skills. He began respecting me and treating me like he had when we had first met and I was sober. It was wonderful for me - I felt so special and loved and despite all of our awful problematic past, I felt (and still feel) hopeful towards our marriage and the future. Things all in all are on an upward turn. I have never felt so healthy and for the first time don't have the desire to drink or run away from my anxiety, depression and difficulties.

Naturally, I am starting to get antsy about our plans for the future and would really like to move back home. My husband has been expressing that he misses me at home and we've been thinking about moving - generally making hopeful plans for our future. He had stated to me that he was not comfortable moving back in together until I had completed my treatment program and got set up with a personal therapist and AA. I am nearing the end of my program and getting set up with the aforementioned. Tonight I brought up the topic of moving back in and creating a plan for the next few months. He started to get very irritible and told me that he felt pressured and wasn't ready for me to move back home until he had more time to 'wait and see' that I was really sticking to sobriety. He then showed me affection, said I love you and continued to act just as he had been. Though I understand that this is not an unreasonable stance and that I would probably want the same if the roles were reversed, I am very hurt. I feel that I am overreacting, though my mind is starting to wonder if it was really HE who was going through the motions and telling me what I wanted to hear, without any real intention of moving forward together. Logically I can reason with these thoughts, but emotionally - I'm flying to conclusions and feeling really depressed. I chose sobriety for myself and for the best path I could chose for my future, but I'm not going to lie, part of it was to save my marriage and give this a real effort, which meant being sober.

I am starting to get disheartened. I know that perhaps I am jumping the gun, and that I probably would be feeling and wanting the same things hes expressed. I am struggling to let this roll off my back and not take it very personal and feel as though I am unwanted. I love him very much and feel awful for the way that I have treated him these past few years. He hasn't left or treated me like a leper, but I can't help finding myself expecting him to want me to be back home, NOW.

I'm just struggling with this. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Veritas1

Maybe it will take some more time for him to see your actions sober, you living a sober life. Don't do it just to please him though, or to get him to take you back or let you go back home.

Do it for you.



There are so many parts in the big book that would be helpful based on your post. I would read The Family Afterward.

Do you have a sponsor yet?

Create a strong network of sober women around you. If you fill your time with your program, getting a sponsor, reading your book, beginning your step work...the focus of your life will change from you trying to get back home, to you working on you first and foremost.

I hope all continues to go well for you.

CarolD

Welcoem to our recovery community.
Congratulations on your progress....that is really good news.

I have zero expereince to share with you about marriage issues...but I have
noticed that AA members who are doing their Steps seem to have a smoother time in recovery.

The Steps slid me into solid recovery vs shakey sobriety....

Please do keep posting....our married members will be shareing with you too I'm sure.
Blessings to you and your husband ..

BASEjumper

My sense of this is that he's afraid of getting hurt again if you relapse. My wife and I had to work on re-building trust in our marriage, I caused my wife emotional pain through my drinking. We never split, but we went through some hard times. I can tell you that it just took time for us, which is not an easy answer since nothing can speed up that process. The more sober time you have, and the more he sees you doing the work, the more he will begin to be confident in your sobriety. Be patient, and try to be aware that he's been hurt and probably doesn't want to be hurt again. Whatever happens, remember that your recovery comes first!

SindyLuhu

Songs--You're story is similar to mine in many ways. My drinking caused me to do things that I regret and am disgusted by. I went on a binge one night that landed me in the hospital. My husband stood by my side even though I hurt him in the most serious and what most people would say "unforgivable" way.

When I got out of the hospital I went to AA and focused on my recovery. However, in the background my marriage was falling apart. I had overwhelming guilt for things I had done and felt selfish that I was working on recovery while my husband was left in the aftermath of my tsunami. After 45 days, I went back to drinking. We went to marriage counseling for several months. Our communication improved and things moved forward, but my drinking escalated again and put me back in the same situation I was before. Everything then escalated...my drinking, his drinking, lots of fights (more than we ever had before), and aggression. Things built to the point where I was just exhausted...by my life, our fighting, my drinking, the way I felt, everything.

I decided to get sober August 1. That is my focus now 100%. It's not easy on my husband at all. We have ups and downs...and yes...even had the subject of separation come up. I guess the point I'm trying to make is I personally can't focus on the two "problems/issues" simultaneously. If I focus on sobriety, I alienate my husband to a point. If I focus on our marriage, I start drinking when it gets too stressful or uncomfortable. So I had to make the decision to get sober for good.

I can only hope that it will be the better way to go in the long run. I think you have to get yourself better before you can rebuild the marriage...otherwise you might find yourself repeating the past as I did. That's just how it's working out for me personally.

I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if my marriage will survive this. I hope that it does, and I am going to try to make it work as best I can right now. But if I don't get control of me, I'm not going to be good for anyone.

I wish you well. Stay the course and get yourself grounded in sobriety!

eJoshua

Hi Songs -

I don't have any light to shed on your situation, but I'm sorry that you are going through it. Welcome to SR, I'm glad you joined our community.

sugarbear1

Welcome!

OceanSize

Thanks so much for sharing. I am in a similar situation and it may have been a morning "godshot" over here - so thanks!

My situation is very similar minus the marriage, but we've been together a long time, and I very much relate to 'cramming 30 years of marriage into 3 years"

I'm only 11 days sober and he and i are set to have lunch today, if he doesn't cancel. I believe he supports me and he has indicated ever so slightly that he is indeed in my corner.

However, within an hour after making lunch plans I was annoyed with him because he hasn't confirmed our future vacation or what will happen next. I realized at the time i was being ridiculous. so i sat with it. I don't understand why i am so freaked out about the future with my boyfriend when here i am just entering into a future of sobriety, with or without him.

The first day i was sober, within hours I contacted a friend in AA who brought me into the program. That same day she told me this:as i read your email i could really relate to the need to know NOW. Personally, I think my need "to know now" is directly correlated with my own deeply rooted fear of abandonment, which is probably somehow connected to my drinking. But wait. <pause> there's no need to figure all of that out now.

One day at a time is very very hard. Today we are lunching. I know he's in my corner. The fact that i fail to be grateful for these 2 simple blessings exemplifies to me the value of slowing down, and living more in the moment.

So while i'm only 11 days sober, I guess what I'm saying is that so far what is working for me is noticing when i'm "in my head" and remembering that when I crawl in my head, i can convince myself of just about anything - so i better get outta there asap because that's where the disease lives!

anyhow, feel free to PM me if you like. I can really relate and am grateful for your post.

You will be ok - you are sober!

nandm

to SR

onlythetruth

I haven't been in exactly the same situation, but I had been married to my first husband for 10 years when I quit drinking. My marriage was fundamentally an unhappy one, made even more miserable by my drinking, and my husband was very, very angry at me. Although there was no issue with my coming home, because I never left, he did not trust me for a long time--a much longer time than I thought was reasonable. And since one of the reasons I decided to quit was to save the marriage, I thought the whole thing was terribly unfair.

It's only from the perspective of 20-20 hindsight, and ending up on the receiving end of the addictive behaviors of others, that I have any appreciation for what the man was going through with me. I can now see that of course he didn't trust me after what I'd done to him. He would have been an idiot if he had. He was smart and appropriately self-protective to insist that I regain his trust slowly. He didn't even begin to trust me for 3-4 months and it was probably a year before he really believed that I was committed to my new behaviors. At the time this drove me NUTS, I could not believe that he was taking so long when I knew that I meant it; but like I said, now I totally get why he did that. A month of sobriety seems amazing to us when we've been drinking like crazy for a long time, but to our families, well, for all they know it's just another hope, about to be dashed.

In this case I think you have no choice but to give your husband the time he needs to feel more secure, and if that means you don't go home for a while, then that's what it means. Absolutely do NOT use this as an excuse to drink, because if you do you will lose all your ground and give him reason to trust you even less. Remember that you have quit drinking FOR YOU and not him, and perhaps that will make the wait a bit easier.

songsforsilence

Thanks everyone for your helpful words.

I'm trying to keep my reasons in perspective.

I feel guilty for complaining, I am very lucky that I still have hope for the marriage at all. I feel much clearer, but it is hard. I am excited though, we had a really nice evening yesterday and went out of town for the day and have a weekend up in northern California planned for this month - unrelated and not really planned, but he asked me to come along, which is a good thing. I really don't have much to complain about, thanks for indulging me!

NYCDoglvr

I had to prove to a significant other that I was serious about recovery. I did it by staying sober. By then I'd reached the point where the old relationship didn't work for the new me. One thing I do know is you will change as you stay sober and it's a good idea to put off making any decisions for the first year.

Philo34

I have to ask. If marriage is part of the problem, and recovery is threatened by it, wouldn't it be better for the alcoholic to cut the ties, sooner than later? I'm throwing this out in a general sense, not specific to the OP's post.


Thanks