justpassinthru

I am still suffering miserably from my sober A boyfriend breaking up out of nowhere. We talked "sort of" for the first couple of weeks - my mostly just trying to figure out what happened and how he could be doing this. He is currently on day 167 of his sobriety, immediately started up with a girl who lives closer to him (we are two hours away and he hated that) and it's eerily silent now. It's like he's done everything he can (even gone so far as to remove all his tags from our pictures on fb - isn't that kind of childish?) to say "I don't exist"

We were deeply in love. Then out of nowhere *poof* he was gone. My question is, it's been just over a month now. Should I reach out to him? Do any of you sober A's have any advice on what he may be going through/feeling right now? Is it worse if I contact him or would it help him to know I still support him?

I just am so confused and want to repair this. However, a clinician I know yesterday said, "It could be 6-8 months and he could come back." I asked her if that was normal (I'm clueless - I've never gone through this before) and she said, "There IS no normal in your relationship. You are ill (I have CFS and Fibromyalgia and other health issues - that are "deal-able" ) and he is dealing with his illness... Give it time." I stood by him through DT's, nearly dying 3 times in the hospital, detox, and rehab. He's not had a drink in 167 days and I seriously doubt he ever will again. (He truly has not had cravings - he credits God for taking that away and causing him to be focused on his sobriety)

I just feel like if I don't DO something to keep in touch with my friend of 32 years (and now he's just GONE) and boyfriend of 6 months - he will just fade away...

Help.

eJoshua

I don't have much valuable experience with relationships (other than screwing a bunch up), so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

I'm around 4 months sober, and also a guy, and I can barely think of trying to patch friendships up with my old friends, much less as complicated a relationship as it sounds like you and your bf have. Figuring out my own crap right now is pretty much a full time job, I'm not even trying to mend my past friendships/relationships until I get to a safe place myself.

I think the fact that you were friends for so long makes it complicated, but in reality, once you've crossed that barrier between friendship and something more it's very difficult to go back, especially for men.

Again, it's all IMO. Best of luck, it sounds like you're really hurting right now.

Beebizzy

This sounds like a complicated situation, and I feel for you and wish you the very best and lots of courage. You sound resourceful, strong and caring.

My advice is not worth much as a 'sober A' (7 days only), but one thing I would say is: he knows you still support him. Look at what you've already done - how could he doubt it?

Is it possible he's somehow trying to 'protect' you? Or himself? I've not seen my bf in a couple of weeks for exactly those reasons, and we both understand it without anything having been said. (Although of course your situation is completely different, but the dynamic is maybe similar).

He will not 'fade away' - he will choose to stay away or he will choose to come back/make contact.

FWIW I would guess he honours what you have/had.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you and for him.

BB

abc

Quitting booze is transformative. It makes you feel like you are a new person capable of great things. It may even classify as "delusions of grandeur". He may think being with you is part of the "old him" and he isn't that person anymore. He may want attention from someone who only knows the sober him. Anyway it's not your fault. We alcoholics are total wack jobs. I hope he comes back to you or at least explains what's going on.

CarolD

What would you advise your best friend to do in this situation?

Seems to me you have plenty of health issues of your own to take care of...

justpassinthru

Thank you all for your replies. I just can't help thinking it's his state of mind right now. And, abc, I also think it's some of the delusions of grandure thing, too. From the moment he said he was done, I knew something wasn't right.

Please keep providing any feedback any of you may have. It helps - a lot - to have your perspective.

I just miss him terribly and have the most difficulty with the absolutely no contact. For the first couple weeks after the breakup, we had some. But it just stopped. It's like he died for real - but I know he's alive.

thank you

sugarbear1

Don't you want a healthy relationship with another person? Your bf wasn't well enough to have one, but you stuck with him. I'd try alanon! Best wishes!

justpassinthru

I've been going to Al-Anon since March. Our relationship was quite normal after he got out of the hospital then. He has had no cravings, no strange mood swings, treated me wonderfully... Everything was literally going along wonderfully - that's why I am in such a state of shock that he called things off. We had just gone on a vacation together and had an incredible time - talked about how close we were. Then 4 days later he had all these strange, rather ridiculous, reasons why he wanted to end it.

Thank you for your response. And you are right... He WASN'T/ ISN'T well enough for a relationship but was in one when he quit drinking. And my understanding is A's are suggested not to make any drastic changes in relationships - unless it's toxic. Ours was anything but. I personally think he was not able to handle the distance between us (2 hours) and, as he has already started dating someone, he wanted someone 24/7.

sugarbear1

Get real! That was a toxic relatiionship. Rehabs suggest no major changes and that's it. Rehabs and those others.

I got rid of my boyfriend within the first 2 months of my sobriety as he was, well, him and driving me crazy. If I stuck with him, I'd still be drinking.

Stick with alanon, but work the steps. Attending meetings doesn't change anything, the working of the steps do.

The hard work will let you see your behavior. I barely know the number of days I have, yet you not only know the exact number, but you know what he's gone through emotionally (read your posts). Maybe focus on yourself for now. You'll grow. And yes, any relationship can be toxic when one or both are sick.

If he's already in another toxic relationship, he's not serious about staying stopped from drinking. Anything I've put in front of my sobriety has been lost. Cut your losses now and get well!

switchboard

Unfortunately, you can't control how your ex feels or what he does. He, for whatever reason, is pursuing his life's happiness in this way.. right or wrong. My ex left our marriage after almost 25 years (close to 30 of knowing each other). I still don't know exactly why and I have had to let go of trying to figure it/him out -for my own sanity and happiness.

I'm not saying that I think you should give up on him ... I don't have any real advice (sorry) .... except please don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out or force something that is out of your hands right now.

If you want him to know how you feel and that you're there for him and are open to talking when he is ready, I would probably go ahead and write him a nice note in that regard ... and then just leave it with him.

But, again, I don't know ... mine left too ... I nearly went mad the first year .. sure wish I could rewind and handle things differently than I did.

Also .... I have been separated for almost two years .. and completely sober for over one year ... I don't do AA, but I know I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now. I don't even want any new close friendships ... I'm still finding my way.

I hope things work out for you.

Edit to add: A friend of mine said it probably would have been easier if my ex had died - weird as that sounds, she is right in a way ... I would have mourned and moved on knowing this was "it" .... As it is now, I don't know much ... (Like you, it's as though he disappeared (except for picking up the kids from time to time) .. and, after 25 years and this coming on as a surprise to me, it was a very weird thing to adjust to.)