BullDog777

this week, i had some protracted withdrawal syndrome creep back and scare the hell out of me after being clean for almost 2 years.
out of the clear blue, my left eye started to twitch like mad and i felt like i was getting the benzo itch. it was extremely scary. i called a friend of mine that is an addiction counselor and she said this is common with people who took large doses of benzos for years and that it could reoccur periodically well past 3 years of sobriety. i had it pretty bad on tues night, last night a little, and today, i seem ok. the last time i had seen any protracted withdrawal like this was almost a year ago. Not fun.

anyway....

I'm feeling kinda anxious these days. my daughter starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks and that's midly terrifying. i've had her here with me everyday for the past 5 years and now i'm gonna be alone most of the day.
...lots of changes....sigh.

i'm also trying to lose some weight that i gained when i got sober and that's been kinda tough. things just aren't happening at the speed that i'm used to. when i was younger, i could drop 60 pounds in a couple of months, no problem....now...it's like 10 pounds a month if i'm lucky. that kinda sucks too.

the other big thing that's bothering me is i'm still in alot of credit card debt. i don't like that either. i really need to address that and get it taken care of. i've paid off about 10k last year, and i know that i'll pay it all off eventually, but like i said, it's just hard seeing all my money go out the door because of all of the irresponsibility of my past.

however, it's not like i can't make money. i can get a job, i can do comissions, and i can make money. i just haven't done it in such a long time, that it's causing me anxiety too.

some days, i just feel frozen in a state of mild fear at the thoughts of moving outside of this comfort zone i've created for myself. but i know i HAVE to.....

i also really feel bad for all of the bulls#it i put my family through. still, all i can do is put my best foot foward and contiunue to try my best. i think the trouble is, i tend to beat myself up for not having all of the answers right now.

last night, i caught myself eyeballing a bottle of whiskey at my dad's place when i was visiting my mom. i don't think it was too serious, but it was enough to make me tell on myself and get this crap off of my shoulders.

i'm sorry if i sound like a pu$$y about my life, i feel like one just writing about it. But i think if you don't talk about the things that bother you, that stress can turn inward and it can really turn destructive. i can't go backwards. it'll be the end of my life if i relapse, so i gotta write about it, and unload a little. so....enjoy the mess. i'm gonna go find a nice wall to bang my head against.

ImReadyToQuit

This willl pass.. I was having some cravings last week.. I'm a stay at home dad (work from home as well) to a 3 month old.. Just know that your thoughts will be over with soon.. Just stay focussed on today.

smacked

K, you're not a *****. You're human, and an alcoholic/addict.. You've done the RIGHT thing for yourself and the people in your life, and you'll continue to do so, I'm sure. I'm glad you felt comfortable posting here, it helps to get things out in the open, air them out, and put them away again.

JimE

Hi Bulldog777, it's good to write things out and take some of the power away of what's bugging us. When I get too stressed my right eye twitches and I even stutter a little. I stuttered as a little kid but it went away. Once the stress is relieved a bit the twitching stops. I hope your twitching goes away soon. It sounds like you have stress going on.

rws177

I think that it's good your on here sharing your struggles. I know that I can relate to some of the things you are saying for sure. Stay strong (by that I mean just don’t drink) and you’ll feel better. At least that is what I tell myself

SSIL75

Hey it's awesome you wrote it all out. And this starting K stuff it not for the faint hearted My son starts in 2 weeks and I'm a wreck!!

It's going to be OK.

BullDog777

thanks everyone for all of the support, it really means alot to me.

TheEnd

They say when something like this happens, the most important thing you can do is talk about it. Well it sounds like you're talking about it. I think, because you mentioned so many problems in your life, this is the time to sit down and make gratitude list. Think about all the things that you are truly happy about. In times like these, it's easy for us to get sidetracked with all the bad crap in our life, but there still must also be a lot of good. Keep your head up bro, this too shall pass.

PM me if you need to talk.

BennyHill

You are by no means a pu**y for expressing fears and anxieties.
It takes a real man to do that, and to press forward and battle on. There are all kinds of situations that are scary, this will be around all of us until the grave. It's how you/we deal with it that matters.
You are battling, big time, with addiction, anxiety, your child going to kindergarten, finances, etc.
But you ARE battling, you haven't just quit and gone back to drugs and alcohol.

Keep fighting, the payoff will be so worth it to you and your family!

LifeBlows

It sounds like you are slowly but surely making progress. You have paid of 10K of credit card debt, you have managed to lose some of the weight and you are working. I know that righting your life takes much more time than you want it to and it can seem like it would take much longer to right it than it took to get you into trouble and that's frustrating. But if you give in and drink then you will only be going backwards. 0

checkmate1

I'm also a benzo user and have had twitching in the left eye too it is nothing short of annoying. I find myself spending money where I don't have too which causes me worry but its way better than drinking so I deal with it. Good luck bulldog.

LaFemme

I think it's great that you are brave enough to be honest about it.

You've got a lot on your plate so a little anxiety is okay...try and remind yourself how far you've come in 2 years, I know that helps me (only 1 year here).

wellwisher

LaFemme is spot on in what she said.

Sometimes for me, I find that focusing on the road ahead robs me of the accomplishments made in the past since I quit drinking.

I think it is sometimes a good thing to do a quick look-back and try to remember how high that mountain of dung was when we start on the journey, and to appreciate that the pile of dung is diminishing by the day through our efforts to do the right thing.

It reinvigorates my zeal for moving forward. I don't dwell in the past; only take a quick peek at it to be grateful for the point where I am at today.

Gratitude plays a large part in my sobriety - I am grateful that I'm not where I was, grateful for what I have today, and am grateful that my future journey is taken by putting one foot in front of the other. Changes to me represent opportunty, and one thing is certain in life...nothing ever stays the same.

BullDog777

i just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone that took the time to post a reply. my gratitude list is simple for today.

i'm most grateful for the friends that keep me afloat when i feel like i'm drowning.

now, i have a rewnewed perseverence to stay in the fight. i have to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day and that i have to keep chomping at the bit. little by little, i'm getting better at dealing with my life.

thanks alot for all of the help.

much love,
BDog

psilyguy

Glad this had a happy ending! I had a craving last night for the first time in awhile, and it all started when I smelled my wife's beer at lunch. I went for a walk and got past it, but that was a shocker, didn't think those cravings would kick in so hard.

ReadyAndAble

I don't see anything wimpy about posting, BD. Quite the opposite. That's my way of grabbing the addictive voice, turning it around, and kicking it back out the door.

It's helpful for me to know that after almost two years, you can still get the urge. It makes me feel OK about having the occasional thought myself, and reinforces the need to be prepared to have them in the future. Thanks for posting.

PS: My daughter's starting second-grade this year. It's terrific to see them make new friends, learn new things, and develop new interests. They just become more and more fun to be around. I recently started playing the card game Uno with my girl. It's incredible to watch her try to figure out strategies to beat me—and sometimes succeed.

Even difficult changes are often for the best. Nobody knows that better than us.

BullDog777

thanks alot for all of the support. i've taken some positive steps today to really get things moving career wise. i'm going to be doing comissions again to try and get rid of some of the debt i have.

i bought some artist quality paint for my airbrush and got some new brushes to do this right. paint can be pricey, but sometimes you gotta spend it to make it.

i've also talked to some of the parents that are on my block and they are all equally freaked out. most of them are my age or a little younger and we try to get together once every couple of weeks and have a block style BBQ to just stay in touch with eachother. it made me feel good that i'm not the only person that's a little freaked out by this. it seems like we all have eachother's back though. carpools, etc...it seems a little less overwhelming now.

i haven't had any further protracted withdrawal except for those 3 days last week so that was good.

i feel pretty good today, we're just bracing for the hurricane that's on it's way. most of southern/eastern va is getting hammered right now with high winds and hard rain. it looks really dark outside right now, but so far, so good. i think we're scheduled to get hit about 8pm tonight.

i just hope we don't lose power.

thanks again guys!!!

sugarbear1

I'd get a doctor's opinion. You aren't qualified to self diagnose. With 2 years of not drinking, I'd consider my health as priority for being caretaker to my precious daughter.

Glad you vented!

BullDog777

i've gotten a doctor's opinion before. most of the doctors and neurologists i've seen are confused about long term benzo effects. they know they occur, but addiction specialists seem to know more than any of the general MD's and even the neuros i've seen.

I was diagnosed with PWS and have had it off and on since i got sober. i just didn't realize or want to believe that i could still be in a protracted withdrawal state at my stage of the game which is why i consulted an addictions specialist. i did call my doctor btw and the best he could do is say "i guess it's possible". with no other symptoms or any that even lasted, he didn't even think it was necessary to make an appointment.

Gotta love HMO's. :rotfxko

anyway, i feel fine now and have since the morning after it happend. it just threw me for a loop because i hadn't felt it since i was around 13 months sober. protracted withdrawal is famous for coming on for a day or 2 and then going away again for months at a time. since the gaps in the syndrome had been so long, i guess i had hoped it was gone for good. hopefully it'll be another 9 months or maybe never again before my brain decides to relive the past.

that's all for now....i'm in a good place.


HURRICANE UPDATE*******it's getting kinda windy here in VA. :rotfxko

have a nice night people, be safe.

Dee74

Missed this totally LOL - but glad you feel better J - stay safe

D