Alcoholic boyfriend getting treatment - should I stay with him?
 

My boyfriend of roughly 3 years (we're both 28) has a drinking problem and has finally decided to get treatment. His parents have found a rehab center he could go to and live there for 4 months, but he prefers an outpatient program. He doesn't really like AA but would probably go if it came down to a choice between that and the rehab center. He has acknowledged that he does have a problem and admits that he feels better when sober, but he goes on binges every 3 to 4 weeks or whenever he gets really stressed or unhappy. He then has difficulty recovering from the binges because he can't stop drinking the alcohol. He has hidden alcohol from me several times. He has come a long way from being in complete denial, but I'm afraid of the relapses that will happen in the future. Also, do any of you think he's still in denial? He says he hates AA, he told his parents he wouldn't go to AA so his parents found him an inpatient treatment center, but he doesn't want to go live somewhere either. He prefers a day outpatient program. His parents just found out about his drinking 3 days ago, after I called his mom and told her. He is not mad at me for that. So he is now looking at options.

Hi choublak,

I'm new to this (5 days sober) and about the only thing that qualifies me to respond to your post is that I also have a bf who drank way too much (although he is now two weeks sober - cold turkey (risky, don't recommend it)).

One thing that is not clear to me from your post is whether your bf's drive to 'look at options' is coming genuinely from him, or from the fact that his parents are now 'in the know' and taking action? IMHO this is a key differentiator. He doesn't seem to be resisting it, which is great, but (forgive the cliche) it needs to come from him. In our case, both me and my bf HATED the way we were drinking. Makes all the difference.

AA is a great institution - but it's not the only way out of this.

Inpatient/outpatient - I don't know - the main thing is to do something. Anything is better than nothing. And kudos to him (?) for realising that something is necessary.

Doesn't sound too much to me like he's in denial if he welcomes the fact that you told his parents, is willing to admit that he feels better without alcohol and has a problem, and will countenance treatment options. Underestimating the power of alcohol is a different story, however.

That's what worries me about my bf - he's a bit of a 'hero'. He knew I'd be doing a detox, so he got there first, solo. Doesn't want to be left behind, and hated drinking anyway. Who cares, if it works, that's what I say. I'm still not convinced he knows his enemy yet. But he's one tough cookie so I have faith.

As to whether you should stay with him? One thing I personally wouldn't do is sign up for a lifetime with an alcoholic. But it doesn't have to be that way - too soon to tell, based on the info here. If he has the treatment and stays off the sauce and there are no other deal-breakers going on - re-evaluate then.

By the way, why do you think that relapses are inevitable?

Good luck to you and to him.

BB

i think it largely depends on how commited you are to him. i just celebrated my 10 year wedding anniversary last week and i'm creeping up on 2 years of sobriety. 8 years of that marriage was me reaching a bottom that was me relapsing in and out of days and sometimes weeks of sobriety at a time. the last year before my sobriety started was truely a nightmare for my family.

i don't think i'd be alive today if it wasn't for my wife. i say that with total and complete honesty. should that guilt you into staying with your bf, no way....it just says that sometimes s#it can work out in the end and we don't all end up as train wrecks.

not wanting to go to AA dosen't necessarily mean he's in denial, he just dosen't like the application of recovery. i tried it many years ago and it just wasn't for me. i stay sober by coming here and maintaining a good relationship with God as i understand him. i don't think there is any "best" way as long as you get what you need.


Good luck to you :welcome

If he doesn't like AA there are lots of alternatives: Rational Recovery, SMART, Save Our Selves, Lifering . . . The question is does HE want to stop? Because, frankly, if he doesn't nothing will work.

Welcome to SR...:wave:

We have a forun full of members who did and did not stay with alcoholics
Here is the link..please go and read .and post there too if you wish

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hope both of you get whatever you need to find a betterfuture ..:yup:

He prefers? IMHO the dude is looking for an easy way to get people off his back. Someone who is ready to quit would jump at the chance to go to a quality inpatient. Hell, when my therapist told me that my insurance refused to pay I paid out of my own pocket. I realized I needed help because I wanted desperately to quit but couldn't. I was willing to do whatever it took, pay whatever it cost. Your boyfrient would prefer not to be bothered.

I don't believe this to necessarily be true, although of course it may. Just because someone does not like the methods or ideas of AA does not mean they do not want to quit. He could be unaware that there are other methods. It's not an excuse to NOT try though. Maybe he could check out the options and make an informed decision.

I had to quit for me.

I wanted to go to ANY length to save my life.

AA is an organization, not an institution, with a design for living.

I can't tell you what to do. It took me 4 rehabs, 3 of which were outpatient and 10 more years before I surrendered. My brother "just thinks I need to graduate" from a program......bwahahaha.

What does your gut tell you to do?

He says he doesn't want to be "locked up".

There are ways to quit without AA, but since 93% or more of the inpatient treatment centers are based on the Minnesota model, which is essentially 12-Step facilitation, he is going to have a hard time finding an in-patient place that does not introduce him to AA. Many of these rehabs will claim not to use the Minnesota model, but they do.

We're not allowed to pitch for a particular rehab on the forums, but if you need a recommendation for one that is not 12-Step based, feel free to send me a Private Message. I can also send you information on self-recovery without treatment at all. That said, I wouldn't expect miracles from rehab. Many people go right back to drinking as soon as they are discharged.

Not everyone needs rehab, but they do need some sort of recovery program. If outpatient works for him, then great. If it doesn't, then he can look at other options. As to whether or not you stay with him, that is your decision. Many times just quitting drinking doesn't solve the other problems in the relationship. If you want to give it some time (because the only way to know if it's working is time), then do so. It all depends on his willingness to embrace recovery and you'll know before too long whether or not he truly wants recovery or if he's just doing this to get people off his back. Good luck to both of you!

i think you should stay with him...i feel your sincerity, he's lucky....be his rock...my wife was my rock in my time of need. she saved my life, like you can do his....be strong

Although this line of thinking is often repeated by the minority of people who have used rehab or "programs," it is simply not true, and never has been. According to the NIAAA, about 75 percent of persons who recover from alcohol dependence, diagnosed based on criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) of the American Psychiatric Association (APA), do so without seeking any kind of help, including specialty alcohol (rehab) programs and AA.

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism: Alcoholism Isn't What it Used to Be

I would suggest you let him make his decisions for himself ... he had to do it. I would also suggest you check out alanon for yourself. You can't convince him what is best for him. Only he can do this. On his own and he has to want it. You can make him get better.

Curious, do you drink or come from an alcoholic home? No answer needed.

Not sure if you are asking me, but either way I don't mind giving some background information. I very rarely drink, I guess I just never really developed a taste for alcohol. I don't come from an alcoholic home directly, but the gene for alcoholism is present in my mom's side of the family. She has 11 siblings (yes 11, huge Irish Catholic family) and about 5 of her brothers (my uncles) are recovering alcoholics. I don't know how long they have been sober, but it's a pretty long time. From when we were teenagers, my brother and I were made very aware of what alcoholism is and how most alcoholics cannot drink under any circumstances.

The gene is also present in the boyfriend's family, his paternal grandfather was an alcoholic and died at the age of 56, of a heart attack caused by the alcoholism.

When BF parents finally found out from me, his father said he had already suspected his son had a drinking problem. His mother is just one of those people who is in denial about everything though, so the dad had to convince her.

We had a little "meeting" over dinner, me, him, and his parents. His dad started talking about how he battled for a decade with his father, trying to get him to quit drinking and failed. He shared some stories with us about his father having a head-on collision with someone while drunk and then fleeing the scene. How his father was told he had 5 months to live but thought he could beat the doctors and died 4 months later. And a few other stories typical of alcoholics too far in denial to be helped. BF dad is not an alcoholic btw.

Here's what's strange: all of these stories had never been told before that meeting. My boyfriend even told me "my dad has talked more about his father over these past couple of days than he has in my entire life." Also BF dad, knowing his son may well have a drinking problem, had been keeping beers in the fridge. BF parents went on a week-long vacation and asked us to come over and stay with their dog, and there were at least 2 huge cases of beer in the fridge. Obviously that went bad and now I can't help but feel a little anger towards the dad for not knowing any better.

I only asked because of the codependency here. Your bf only wants to avoid being locked up. That isn't my idea of getting sober, but it might work for him.

I'll shut up.

Focus on you. You're worth so much!

I'm not sure what he wants. I guess time will tell. As for me letting him make his decisions for himself, I do that. Even if I didn't, he would do that anyway.

Is my codependency worse than I realize?

Hi choublak. I had a GF 2 yrs ago. I pulled the same thing with her. Hiding it and resisting. She gave me an ultimatum, " I'll give you 6 months or I'm outta here". Guess what I did? I drank even more. Needless to say, 2yrs later here I am, single ( for 2 yrs) and finally coming to terms with this addiction. I hit rock bottom pretty freakin hard. I'll leave out the details for now but I just couldnt fight it anymore so I gave it up, willing and Honestly. Good luck to ya.