We hold hands to show or symbolize that "together we can do what we can't do alone" and I say my own silent prayers. AA did arise from the Oxford Group, which was/is highly Christian. Bill W. realized that alcoholism effects all kinds of people. AA works for many who are not able to stay stopped on their own.

Are you taking care of you today, Choublak?

Yanno, I've heard ppl who've had this experience before....... holy crap, that's gotta be one helluva ride!

I know a lot of ppl were alcoholics from their first drink. While I'll say I probably suffered from alcoholism from an early age, I didn't drink alcoholically until my mid to late 20's. Prior to that, I could control the amount, say no all together and still had choice.....but I wasn't dating or married to another alkie at the time.

It's gotta be crazy to watch what it does to someone you're with then to have the same thing, that probably seemed so controllable by the will, strike you down too.

"together we can do what we can't do alone"

So much for "Codependent No More"...

Sorry, I don't mean to mock anybody.

Certain things having to do with institutionalized religion just bring back bad memories...

Certain things having to do with institutionalized religion just bring back bad memories..

You're not alone with this chou. Definitely not alone.

It's not about one of us fixing (or trying to fix) another, but rather about mentoring each other through the solution. Unhealthy attachments can and do occur in our fellowship, usually when folks try practicing the 12th step before taking the previous eleven.

You admit you have no experience with 12-step programs. It may behoove you to read the 12 traditions, which guide our fellowship and could, if you're open minded, dispel any illusions you may have about AA being like institutional religion. The first tradition (long form) especially shows that we aren't -- can't be -- "co-dependent" if we're to survive as a fellowship.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sorry, but I'm still confused about codependency, even after reading the book.

I found hanging on to toxic lovers was not healthy for me.

DayTrader, crazy is a great description of it LOL. Like you, I drank as a young adult, started to do it often enough to become concerned and so backed off for a few years with no problem. I figured it was safe again so I started drinking socially. I then mixed liquors for the first time on my 23rd birthday and got extremely drunk and DEATHLY sick! It was bad enough that I stayed away from it for 13 years afterwards (no line had been crossed at that point).

Met XAH, tried to control him and couldn't. Tried to "fix" him and couldn't. Tried to love him more, be the perfect wife (ha!) and it changed nothing. Finally in extreme frustration I made the decision that if I couldn't beat him I would join him. I soon exceeded him. It was HORRIBLE!! Almost drank myself to death (alcohol poisoning, extreme physical dependence, and major organs affected) all in very short order. Got into AA 7 years ago and still there. Now have a RAH (different person LOL!) which is a totally different ballgame and life is good. To hell and back is a great description of it.

Chou, for me, my co-dependency manifested itself when I became so involved in rescuing, fixing, and controlling others that I wrapped my whole life around the people and the outcomes of my efforts with them. I became obsessed with their welfare at the detriment of my own. I made myself literally sick with worry, repressed anger, manipulation, and other negative emotions.

I worried excessively about XAH's drinking, how much he would drink, if he would pick a fight with me, etc. I devised ways to "make" him stop or slow him down. When these attempts failed the fights were horrible and I would threaten to leave and he would once again swear off. It wasn't just me engaged here. It was a sick dance of sorts, back and forth.

I busted my ass trying to fix his screw-ups and made myself insane trying to insert myself between his loud mouth and others he might offend. When he popped off and got the snot beat out of him 18 hours before our wedding I should have caught a clue and ran LOL! Basically in a nutshell, for me, is I spent most of my time and energy focused on his drinking instead of learning to let go and find some way to either disengage enough to stay sane or leave.

Finally I learned how to set boundaries with him and enforce them. I stopped letting him manipulate me and also trying to monitor his drinks. I stopped making comments about the drinking but reminded him of my boundaries. Things escalated as he didn't like the "new" me and we didn't stay together much longer. I refused to live with him anymore as I thought he was awful but once he was gone I found out that I had a much more severe problem to face and that wasME and MY drinking!

The irony was once I left him and was in the worst of my drinking, I recognized the same co-dependent traits in my mom as she tried to keep me and my kids going. Once I got sober I realized just how much of an enabler she is. These days I call her on it so she is aware of it then I back away as it isn't my job today to control anyone, thank God!

I am glad beyond words that I do not have to live like that today! I hope what I shared might help demonstrate at least one codie/alkie experience.

Take care,
Kellye

Choublack --Beattie's newer book, THE NEW CODEPENDENCY (2009) helped me much more than CODEPENDENT NO MORE which is much older. I didn't see myself at all in CNM--saw myself clearly in TNC. Maybe google the introduction on Amazon and see if it gives you some different options?

I hope it works out for you, regardless.

I mean, if you love him, stay with him. I know it seems harsh, but you can't put yourself in a rough patch just because he may be going through one.

I'm afraid no one will be able to make that decision for you. Is it worth it to you to stay with him, just as he is now? We can never assume that someone will change for the better. He may stop binge drinking, he may not. Only time will tell......are you willing to wait, to have a part-time relationship?

I hope that he finds some path to recovery that works for him. Good luck with your decision!

CHOUBLAK--sorry for not spelling your name right! I know better!