Feeling rotten... need a boost.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 89
Feeling rotten... need a boost.
I'm just having a rotten... well, I would say day but it has been going on for longer than that. I put up a good front that I am fine, but I am horribly depressed, anxious, and feel hopeless most of the time. Just a bit about me - I am a fitness junkie who has been sidelined for the past 2 months because of an injury. I'm 2 weeks into PT and while the pain is subsiding, it kills me that I cannot exercise. That was my saving grace when I started dealing with my alcoholism, and now I can't do it. Yes, I could swim, but I loathe swimming. I am not good at strokes and just treading water is boring. I want to run again. I want to spin. I want to do REAL yoga, not just the two or three stretches my OT okayed.
Ever since a bad encounter with my boss two weeks ago (a major misunderstanding that was cleared up but was horribly embarrassing and stressful to deal with), I have been in a constant state of panic, anxiety, whatever you want to call it. I press it down the best I can, try to tell myself everything is okay but it does not work. I become tearful at the drop of a hat and every little thing worries me. It has been recommended that I meditate, but I cannot sit still with myself now. I am so agitated. My only respite is to constantly be reading something, whether on the computer, a magazine, or a book, so that my brain is busy and I don't have to listen to myself. I was having insomnia, unable to sleep because of all the headchatter.
I have been on an antidepressant for the last 5 years but clearly it does not work anymore. I already booked an appt with a psych for next Thursday - believe me that was the best I could do - the first two I called could work me in late Sept & mid October. What?! I cannot understand how that is okay in psych medicine. If you are calling the psychiatrist, it's most likely because you are at the point where you can't take yourself anymore. I actually considered just going to the ER and asking them to commit me to the BHU so that I could just get away from everything for a while - but I used to work at the hospital & my friends in the pharmacy would see my name on the med lists and I would be mortified. Plus I remember delivering narcotics there, it was a scary place. I watch Intervention and I briefly daydreamed about faking a problem so that I could get them to give me 90 days of treatment in some gorgeous place.
But anyway, in the meantime, I had a standing appt with our marriage counselor monthly that was this past Thursday. My husband and I are doing fine when it comes to that so I spent the whole session working on my anxiety. She did some eye movement desensitization (I think it was called) while I talked about the root of my panic - my alcoholic mother constantly threatened to stop taking care of me if I did any little thing wrong. My father was traveling for business all the time so she was my sole provider and it was extremely damaging to wonder where your next meal was coming from or if you will be allowed back in the house today when you are only 8. Plus she was physically abusive too. I know that was all in the past and I am a grownup now, but I get in a state of terror if someone (especially someone important like a boss) disapproves of me or criticizes me. I feel like everything will be taken away. All those old feelings of helplessness & panic come flooding back and I rush to bend over backwards to gain back approval, and end up stressing myself out even more.
I went to my regular doc on Friday and told her what was going on and she put me on Seroquel XR 50mg in addition to my Wellbutrin. It is helping with the insomnia, but I'm so groggy in the morning it is hard to get out of bed, even after 9-10hrs sleep. And I'm still anxious mid day. (While I'm groggy in the AM, it's basically like IDGAF.) I don't know if this is going to be the right med for me but I am trying until the psych says otherwise.
Anyway, just having some tough thoughts today... like, "I am never going to be normal, I'm a defect, always going to have to take drugs to function even halfway decently, so what's the use?" I often think about dying, in a very cold, calm, practical way that really scares me when I think back on it. I do not want to harm myself and I loathe pain so I have no idea how I would do it - I just kind of want to not be anymore. Like just poof, the universe erases me. I know this is illogical but my brain convinces me it makes perfect sense.
I even thought about drinking... which is weird because I have not been tempted hardly at all in the last two months. But there was an ad for a Mexican place we used to always go to on the radio & their $1.99 margaritas, and then one for happy hour at a bar I used to go to with my girlfriends. I actually imagined myself at both places, just laughing and drinking like old times, and it seemed appealing. That scared me a lot. I came straight home and set to cooking dinner so that I could not be tempted to ask to go out for Mexican, but, I don't know... I kind of hate myself for even being tempted. I feel like that's the one thing mentally I have been able to be strong about and it's the one thing I can be proud of - that my sobriety is sacred and immune to temptation.
I'm really sorry for the rambling but I'm just in a bad place right now and I could use some support.
Ever since a bad encounter with my boss two weeks ago (a major misunderstanding that was cleared up but was horribly embarrassing and stressful to deal with), I have been in a constant state of panic, anxiety, whatever you want to call it. I press it down the best I can, try to tell myself everything is okay but it does not work. I become tearful at the drop of a hat and every little thing worries me. It has been recommended that I meditate, but I cannot sit still with myself now. I am so agitated. My only respite is to constantly be reading something, whether on the computer, a magazine, or a book, so that my brain is busy and I don't have to listen to myself. I was having insomnia, unable to sleep because of all the headchatter.
I have been on an antidepressant for the last 5 years but clearly it does not work anymore. I already booked an appt with a psych for next Thursday - believe me that was the best I could do - the first two I called could work me in late Sept & mid October. What?! I cannot understand how that is okay in psych medicine. If you are calling the psychiatrist, it's most likely because you are at the point where you can't take yourself anymore. I actually considered just going to the ER and asking them to commit me to the BHU so that I could just get away from everything for a while - but I used to work at the hospital & my friends in the pharmacy would see my name on the med lists and I would be mortified. Plus I remember delivering narcotics there, it was a scary place. I watch Intervention and I briefly daydreamed about faking a problem so that I could get them to give me 90 days of treatment in some gorgeous place.
But anyway, in the meantime, I had a standing appt with our marriage counselor monthly that was this past Thursday. My husband and I are doing fine when it comes to that so I spent the whole session working on my anxiety. She did some eye movement desensitization (I think it was called) while I talked about the root of my panic - my alcoholic mother constantly threatened to stop taking care of me if I did any little thing wrong. My father was traveling for business all the time so she was my sole provider and it was extremely damaging to wonder where your next meal was coming from or if you will be allowed back in the house today when you are only 8. Plus she was physically abusive too. I know that was all in the past and I am a grownup now, but I get in a state of terror if someone (especially someone important like a boss) disapproves of me or criticizes me. I feel like everything will be taken away. All those old feelings of helplessness & panic come flooding back and I rush to bend over backwards to gain back approval, and end up stressing myself out even more.
I went to my regular doc on Friday and told her what was going on and she put me on Seroquel XR 50mg in addition to my Wellbutrin. It is helping with the insomnia, but I'm so groggy in the morning it is hard to get out of bed, even after 9-10hrs sleep. And I'm still anxious mid day. (While I'm groggy in the AM, it's basically like IDGAF.) I don't know if this is going to be the right med for me but I am trying until the psych says otherwise.
Anyway, just having some tough thoughts today... like, "I am never going to be normal, I'm a defect, always going to have to take drugs to function even halfway decently, so what's the use?" I often think about dying, in a very cold, calm, practical way that really scares me when I think back on it. I do not want to harm myself and I loathe pain so I have no idea how I would do it - I just kind of want to not be anymore. Like just poof, the universe erases me. I know this is illogical but my brain convinces me it makes perfect sense.
I even thought about drinking... which is weird because I have not been tempted hardly at all in the last two months. But there was an ad for a Mexican place we used to always go to on the radio & their $1.99 margaritas, and then one for happy hour at a bar I used to go to with my girlfriends. I actually imagined myself at both places, just laughing and drinking like old times, and it seemed appealing. That scared me a lot. I came straight home and set to cooking dinner so that I could not be tempted to ask to go out for Mexican, but, I don't know... I kind of hate myself for even being tempted. I feel like that's the one thing mentally I have been able to be strong about and it's the one thing I can be proud of - that my sobriety is sacred and immune to temptation.
I'm really sorry for the rambling but I'm just in a bad place right now and I could use some support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 155
((( yogaisland )))
I had to stop running due to a shinsplint and that through me into a depression. I was a marathoner back then and I didn't realize how much I depended on those endorphins to make me feel good. I read that isn't unusual, to bed depressed for awhile when an injury sidelines us.
The pdoc (psychiatrist) I see is always booked solid too and it is a shame that psych meds don't work forever, I've had several med changes over the years. I don't handle seroquel either. My pdoc gave me a sample once and 50mgs at bedtime knocked me for a loop the whole next day. My ex on the other hand took 900mgs and wasn't groggy the next day. yikes.
I hope you injury heals soon so you can get back to doing what you love. I do the elliptical machine now, it's much easier on these old bones.
I had to stop running due to a shinsplint and that through me into a depression. I was a marathoner back then and I didn't realize how much I depended on those endorphins to make me feel good. I read that isn't unusual, to bed depressed for awhile when an injury sidelines us.
The pdoc (psychiatrist) I see is always booked solid too and it is a shame that psych meds don't work forever, I've had several med changes over the years. I don't handle seroquel either. My pdoc gave me a sample once and 50mgs at bedtime knocked me for a loop the whole next day. My ex on the other hand took 900mgs and wasn't groggy the next day. yikes.
I hope you injury heals soon so you can get back to doing what you love. I do the elliptical machine now, it's much easier on these old bones.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
If you can't ramble here where can you ramble. I can relate to so much you rambled about. I was on meds for years and seeing various shrinks (generalized anxiety disorder, depression, PTSD), and thoughts of just going away as it were. I did ER myself and went to BHS for 28 daze. The treatment and food were pretty bad but I really enjoyed many of my fellow psych/addict cohorts (figures huh?). The exercise, I know is important, I do it daily and it is uplifting, but two years ago due to alcohol induced illness I couldn't even walk and was hospitalized 4 times. Now I'm rambling, sorry. I just want to support you and say it can get better, sometimes when you least expect it but need it most. Currently I am sober, off meds, out of therapy and wearing a T-shirt that says "Serenity Now" and a couple of little stains. Without the bad we'd lose the ability to recognize the good. Please believe good stuff will come back into your life. I do meditate because everything in me screams "don't just sit there doing nothing", which I interpret to mean "just sit there doing nothing." I love your committment to sobriety, it is the underpinning of all else we attempt in recovery. My best to you and namaste.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
I know that feeling. When I can't get rid of it I tell myself that it won't last forever and that I will have to feel better. Theres no choice but to feel better.
I also do not understand why pdocs are always weeks and months out?!? There's not choice but to go sit in an ER and wait for an eval. They always make people who come in with anxiety wait the longest too.
I'm sorry about your injury. I'm sorry about what you lost in childhood.
It sounds like these are two reasons you can pinpoint and work on. That's another thing I do when I'm overwhelmed. I search through all my thoughts and emotions and isolate one or two issues and go through the serenity prayer with each. How can I change it? Or do I just need to accept it and let go?
Sometimes I can't even pinpoint what it is! When that happens I make myself laugh. Why do I allow myself to feel so terrible?
Knowing the "reason" helps. I have to remind myself that I did a lot of hallucinagenics so my brain is just messed up, my childhood was stolen from me etc.
You will get through this. Theres really no other way. I just hope you feel better super soon!!!
I also do not understand why pdocs are always weeks and months out?!? There's not choice but to go sit in an ER and wait for an eval. They always make people who come in with anxiety wait the longest too.
I'm sorry about your injury. I'm sorry about what you lost in childhood.
It sounds like these are two reasons you can pinpoint and work on. That's another thing I do when I'm overwhelmed. I search through all my thoughts and emotions and isolate one or two issues and go through the serenity prayer with each. How can I change it? Or do I just need to accept it and let go?
Sometimes I can't even pinpoint what it is! When that happens I make myself laugh. Why do I allow myself to feel so terrible?
Knowing the "reason" helps. I have to remind myself that I did a lot of hallucinagenics so my brain is just messed up, my childhood was stolen from me etc.
You will get through this. Theres really no other way. I just hope you feel better super soon!!!
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