LifeBlows

So I went back to my job. I have the job back. To be fair its not like its costing them anything to keep me on as I am an independent sales representative. So I got the check and my sales kit BUT the name on the cheque is wrong. Its completely wrong. Only the first two letters are okay. I feel horrendous. I feel like the stupidest person in the world. I have no money to go out and do sales today. Actually I was planning on going there at like 9am in the morning but then I got lazy and slept in and wound up getting there about a half hour before the meeting started.

Part of me wants to give up. To just say **** it, this wasn't meant to work, just go back and do a 9 to 5 job. The other part of me says things can't get much worse than this so suck up your pride. Go back and get the cheque situation sorted out. Cash the check. Do not spend any of it on alcohol and then make sure that you go out and see at least 3 customers today. I have to close deals this week. I have to do it. I don't have any other choice.

I really wanted to drink yesterday but I didn't. When I realized I had no money for gas and no cheque I had a bit of a melt down. In addition I cannot go to my reqular cheque cashing place because they don't accept hand written cheques. I feel like killing myself. I feel like just giving up and accepting as fact that the new reality of my life is that I will always be broke and a failure.
Part of me believes that the right thing to do is to walk in there and try again.

They are going to know how broke I am. I am so ashamed. I am so depressed. I feel so humiliated. I am so tired of this. I am tired of always seeming to **** things up. I've had it with myself.

I want to cry but I can't. I want to give up but I suspect that if I do I will look back at this in a month or a year or so and hate myself for not trying again.

I hate myself right now.

nandm

The only time we fail is when we fail to try.

I know you are discouraged, frustrated, ashamed, tired of trying, and scared right now but only you can change what is going on in your life. Some days that is just putting one foot in front of the other and bulldozing our way through life. But when we get to the other side and past the situation we do get a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of strength because we know we made it through such a difficult and challenging situation.

Drinking will not make the situation better it will only keep you stagnant and going nowhere. Please put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.

sugarbear1

You have reasons Not to drink. Face the fears. Get a new check.....

FIRST DON'T DRINK

chicagoJ

I'd suggest not to blame yourself becuase the company messed up your check. I don't know what kind of sales you do, but maybe you can use the phone and setup appointments until they get the check situation straightened out. It's isn't your fault the back office messed up. I'd say try not to let the stress get to you. Don't accept any current situation as permanent. Really, so many things can change.

You mentioned a 9-5. I can tell you that I work a 9-5 and it does keep me out of trouble in certain ways. I never drink before 5pm during work days. Yet, I usually start earlier in the day on my days off. So, the 9-5 can keep me out of trouble. However, I hate having to be there at 9am especially after a night of drinking. So, there are pros and cons.

ReadyAndAble

Sorry, that sounds really frustrating. But remember, this is a gradual process—and some things are already improving for you. I really enjoyed your post yesterday. The sense of responsibility and pride you felt at being able to drive your mom is something you will feel many, many, many more times in the weeks ahead if you can just soldier on through the bad days. Hang in there and cut yourself some slack; you're moving in the right direction, it just takes time.

Dee74

I'm sorry LB - but I agree with the others - it's not your fault all at the fact your cheque got messed up.

I know how easy it is to blame yourself and to have the old feelings of inadequacy wash over you - but this was something totally out of your control.

You can fix it tho - go see your manager or whoever it is you need to see
I hope you can get it sorted ASAP

D

JimE

Hi LB, I'd be frustrated over the cheque situation too but then it wasn't your fault the office screwed up. Those thoughts and feelings you describe sound like me when I was new. My alcoholic thinking was pretty negative. The most dangerous words someone like me can say are, 'what's the use' or '**** it'. You have that part of you that says keep trying and get things straightened out, try to go with that. You're not a failure.

LifeBlows

Thanks for the support everyone. I went and got the cheque fixed that day.
When I was typing the first post I was using my brother's laptop in his bedroom. There was a bottle of wine nearby and I did take a few sips. But that's it. I was kind of frantic about the whole idea of not getting the money today because I did take some money from the till for gas on Sunday night. My mum noticed because I wasn't able to replace the money soon enough. I wont' be able to replace it until tomorrow morning because the cheque cashing place needed some more verification which its too late to get tonight.
The other thing was that I had to take a little more money for gas and then walk to the gas station to buy gas because my tank was empty. This happened again about three weeks ago. At the time I promised myself that it would never happen again.
When I replace the money that I've taken I will NEVER EVER EVER take money that isn't mine again. I am just having a stressfest right now.

I feel ashamed for taking the money. I feel angry with myself for taking the money and betraying my mother's trust (and I could see the question in her eyes when she mentioned the missing money). I am tired of having to come up with schemes to come up with drinking money or even money for gas or whatever else it is that I need. I want to move back into my own apartment. I want to have a steady paycheque.

Even when I came back with the gas so I could go and cash the cheque I kept thinking that I should take a little more money and buy alcohol. I'd keep it at the shop while I went to cash my cheque. It wouldn't matter because I'm putting the money back.
I decided not to buy any alcohol. I knew that if I did then I'd just start the cycle all over again. So I haven't been completely sober but I haven't started full on drinking like I have been previously.
This is why I want my apartment back. In my apartment there would be NO alcohol at all. None whatsoever. I wish I had bought alcohol. I feel very agitated right now. I love the way that alcohol soothes my feelings. But at the same time I know that it is important to feel these negative emotions as a deterrent to repeating the same mistakes.

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. I don't know what I will do with the money. Its not much. It will be about $120 or thereabouts after the cheque cashing fees. I need body wash, hair oil, anti perspirant etc etc. Sometimes I would rather buy alcohol than toilet paper for my bathroom. I take toilet paper from my brother's room. Can you believe that? How awful how bad is that? I would rather buy alcohol than personal hygiene products?

Dee74

I'm glad you got the cheque sorted.

I used to do some pretty crazy things too - I had some warped priorities as a drinker....but we can leave all that behind and get better LB.

I think it's way better to focus on moving forward, not looking back

D

Jeff63

Just reading I would say that you need some help. Can younget into a rehab program?

Scolova

Sorry to hear of your rough times LB.
I've been back and forth with drinking this year and torturing myself about it. I have to look on the bright side, I know now I have to quit and I've had more sober days this year than in my last five put together. I smoked cigarettes for 20 years and have drank heavily for the past 10 and I would go weeks, even months carrying around 'the Hobo stink' and not notice or just not care. Even though I had access to a shower and bath tub, it didn't matter, the drugs and drink were keeping me in a mentally ill state of mind and my only answer was death. After finding SR, I started to realize most of my thoughts of suicide came during alcohol withdraw and (for me) starts to ease up greatly after one or two weeks. I can also never smoke marijuana again, it started to take me down to that same, horrid, self-hate state of mind.
(edit) - Meant to say that I should never use ANY mind altering drug ever again, unless I am in hospital and being supervised.

DayTrader

I can relate LB. Everything you described...... I've felt myself.

From my personal experience and that of the people I know in recovery.....I'd suggest to you that what you're feeling might be untreated alcoholism. Like me, you may be one of those types of alcoholics that starts to realize that "not drinking" feels SO bad that going and getting loaded "just this once" suddenly starts to make a whole lot of sense sooner or later. And as bad as the drinking can be (along with all the problems that it brings), the thought of dealing with life on life's terms can seem to be almost worse.

That's the same exact stuff that I finally hit bottom with. The drinking, the trouble I got into, getting arrested......that stuff was bad, for sure.....but it was the constant thoughts that I'm a loser, that I don't measure up, that I'm a failure....and that it probably wasn't ever going to get any better that finally brought me to my knees. All that stuff......that's untreated alcoholism my friend....and it's what kills us - or convinces us to kill ourselves before the booze does it for us.

Luckily, for people like us though, there IS a way out.......and it's called RECOVERY. Sure, "not drinking" is a part of it but it's really all about finding a completely new life...getting a complete overhaul.....a total revamping of every facet of your life. In the AA book they call it being "reborn" and I'm here to tell you that you have no idea how great your life CAN be - even with all your history and your baggage. It can and DOES get a TON better......but you've got to get involved in the process.

Getting involved in AA and recovery was probably the last thing I wanted to do.....hell, it WAS the last thing I did.......cuz once I started I haven't had to look back. Sure, not every day is wonderful and everything in life certainly doesn't go my way.....but I'm a completely new person today - vastly different than I was 4 years ago when I first started going to meetings and working the steps. The cool part is I didn't have to "change myself." I was changED.....it just happened - as the natural result of the things I was doing in recovery.........and it's made ALL the difference. And even cooler than that is that it's 100% available to you as well. The kicker though, is that you have to be willing to walk that path too....and if you're willing to give it a try.......there will be 1000's of people willing and anxious to give you a hand.

LifeBlows

I didn't know those negative thoughts were untreated alcoholism. Anyway, first thing this morning I went to cash the cheque and I got the money. My gas tank is now 3/4 full, I have minutes to load onto my phone and instead of spending the money on alcohol I went to the grocery store and bought snacks for the kitchen. I bought cream, bagels, almond milk and anti-perspirant and soap so I can have a proper shower. BTW not wearing anti-perspirant can really wreck your clothes. Its just wrong! It felt good though to buy things that my mum can use.

I still have to go into work and that it causing me quite a bit of anxiety about what my boss will say. Anyway I am going to replace the money in the till as soon as I can. It will be such a relief. I don't want to do it again ever. Its just way too stressful.

Truth be told I had been eyeing the till for a couple of weeks but I think since I was sober it was hard for me to do it. I thought about just taking stuff and selling it but the stuff in our store is expensive, I knew I'd never be able to replace it soon enough. I'm just not making enough money right now.

Right now I do feel like drinking. But I have to go out on appointments today and I don't want to have to worry about smelling like alcohol. Some people are very sensitive to smells.

I wish I could go to rehab but its just not something I can do right now. I've got so many bills to pay.

I really want to drink. I am so afraid to walk into work today. I am so ashamed. I want to hide. These emotions are so exhausting.

LifeBlows

And the money is now back in the till. Thank God. I see now how these feelings are contributing to my multiple relapses. I get sober for a while and then I have these really intense feelings and I end up feeling to anxious that I drink to soothe myself. I knew that emotions in early sobriety were supposed to be really intense but for some reason I never connected that to myself. (Cause I'm just special.)

sunrise1

LifeBlows, is there any kind of program or rehab you can get yourself to? I went through many situations like yours- in fact, they still crop up- but I found that having a "way out" and people to back me up made the anxiety bearable. I found alternate things, such as a B12 "relaxing" soda I have from time to time, plus I take an antidepressant to assist me while I recover.

One thing I know... I could not have done it alone. I'm approaching 10 months, but I would not be if I didn't have a solid program to follow with directions and instructions on how to handle stress, anxiety, etc.

Please do everything you can to not drink today, and get help.

DayTrader

I'm not saying they absolutely ARE.....but I'm asking you to consider if it's possible that's your truth? I can't say what it is and what it isn't....for you. I can tell you though, that untreated alcoholism....for someone who's a chronic alcoholic, sure sounds exactly like what you described. For the chronic alkie (someone who's alcoholism affects them all the time......drinking or not) like me, my experience has been that great therapists and lots of knowledge was great......but it didn't make those things go away or get much better.

I'm no dummy.....if I could have thought my way out of alcoholism, I would have done it many years earlier than my LDD (last drink date). I suspect you, like most alkies, aren't so dumb either and if that's the case, I don't know that a lot more knowledge will necessarily help you any more than it helped me.

You might need something more...... but that's up to you to decide.

LifeBlows

I hate to say it but I did end up drinking yesterday. I am disappointed with myself. Just completely disappointed but when I woke up today I felt quite unwell and I thank God for that.

The last couple of days that I have been sober I felt fine but believe it or not that also felt very strange for me. Its been so long since I felt like that. When I drank yesterday I don't even recall feeling physical relief. Like feeling relaxed or anything like that. I didn't realize how ill alcohol makes me feel. I know that when I decided to try sobriety again 2 weeks ago I was extremely bloated. I was concerned that my liver was inflamed. There was pain somewhere in my abdominal tract and my throat was sore. It took days for my throat to feel ok. It took days for the bloating to subside.

I drank a fifth of sherry in about 3-4 hours. That's faster than normal. That scares me because I know that people deteriorate faster with each relapse.

I am at a point where I feel uncomfortable not drinking BUT drinking causes unpleasant physical side effects. I have to stop drinking. I feel like I am being forced to stop as opposed to quitting. My concern is that I will simply find something else to replace alcohol like gambling or drugs.

I wish I could go to rehab right now but I have to sort myself out financially. With this sales job I might be finally able to save enough money to take a month or two off and just get really healthy.

On the upside, my eyes are not as bloodshot as they used to be and they no longer look yellow. My boss is being really nice to me. He told me this morning that he had never seen a girl with such desire and drive to succeed. He said that he and the manager were talking yesterday night about how they will make sure that they give me everything that I need to succeed. I am also supposed to go out with a saleswoman tomorrow who did the job for 10 months and was (according to her) pretty successful at it. I honestly think that with a little more help I could get my first paycheque for sales next week.

I just keep thinking about a woman called Karen that I met at the AA meeting on Sunday. She said it only took about 6 months for her life to turn around completely. 6 months isnt that long.

Have a sober 24 everyone.

littlefish

Get rid of those bottles of wine "nearby".

yogaisland

LifeBlows, I have been reading your posts for a while, but I just realized you were a woman from the last post. You never mentioned your gender and I always pictured you as a man for some reason!

But that's neither here nor there... I don't have much advice to give as I haven't been sober that long, but lately I've been really depressed and feeling urges to drink that thankfully I have been able to repress. So I kind of get your sentiment of "life blows." It does sometimes, you know? But I have to hold on to the idea that it is the alcohol that causes that feeling (whether present intoxication, past mistakes, or urges to drink again.) When I picture myself having a drink, I ask myself, "Then what?" So I have a drink, then what? If I like it, then I'm just in that whole destructive cycle again. If I don't like it and feel bad, then I threw away my sobriety for nothing. Taking a drink isn't going to make me feel better or soothe my anxious feelings. It's just going to dull me and make me stupid and cause more problems, which in turn will cause me more anxiety. It's just not worth it.

I hope you can continue to stay sober and please keep posting here so we can give you support.

DayTrader

Once again....... I know the feeling. Set my mind......summon my will.....and not even make it 24 hours. I never told anyone how I'd fail at stopping. I was too embarrassed and hadn't found a site like this one.

Yanno, I think you're right. I don't think any real alkie really ever "quits." I know for me.. I ran it the F* out as long as I could. I was "forced to stop" by a judge, an alcohol tether, probation and the threat of immediate incarceration (probably for a year) if ONE drop was detected in my body by that tether. I drank almost all the way up to that day. ......it's why you'd hear me say at a meeting, "...and my God-given last drink date is...." I didn't choose it... it was given to me.

Rehab wasn't an option for me either. It was quit on your own or go to jail......period. As I said, that tether got me to stop....but it was AA and the program I learned to live there that's kept me happy and sober for the 4 years since. If you're willing, it might be worth giving AA a shot - and by "giving it a shot" I don't mean just going to some meetings. I mean actively looking for some help and actively working the program. You'll never drink again, you won't have to incorporate a gazillion little "how to stay sober" techniques, and you'll be happy.......and that's all guaranteed.