RaiderRuss

29 years old, I'm in early recovery (80 days), and my absolute focus since Day 1 is my sobriety. I already admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable when I was sitting in a sober tank for a 3rd DUI. I came to believe a Power greater than myself would restore me to sanity when I attended my first AA meeting, on my own power & got a sponsor.

On Day 60 of my sobriety, my then girlfriend, decided to end our relationship, after she had been my strongest support & source of comfort after I got out of the sober tank. I had no choice but to accept it. She was ready to make things work out with me at first. But her life was changed, when she got a better job in a city further away from both of us & made plans to move out to that area, and progress her own life. While my life will be at a stand-still, with the my DUI case (still pending, but inevitable). But most importantly, she wanted me to just continue to focus on myself & getting well, without having to worry about her; because the decreased communication & interaction between us due to her new job was making me depressed & paranoid. And she did not want to start developing hatred & resentment towards me, if she continues to stay in this relationship & my situation becomes a liability.

So now, on top of having to deal with early recovery, the continued stress of my multiple DUI case, and making big adjustments to life after my court date; I now have to grieve over a loving relationship (less than a year) that ended because of these circumstances. Yet I still had no urge to drink.

The grieving was the hardest thing I had to go through, for these last 3 weeks, to this day. I'm still doing my best to end the grieving phase. We both wanted to maintain a friendship. She still offers her moral support. But that does not help me get over this relationship. I wanna be friends, but I don't wanna kill myself with false hope that this romantic relationship still has a chance. Not in early sobriety.

When we got together one time after the breakup, for coffee, she tells me she works all day & goes to bed early when she gets home. She tells me she's too tired from work to even think about dating right now. She tells me she still misses me & is doing good given the circumstances. I tell her I continue to attend AA, follow the 12 steps with my sponsor, and I'm learning a lot & becoming a better man. And I have not had one drink at all.

However just a few hours ago, I came across a pic one of our mutual friends (her girlfriend) on FB posted up today as her default pic. It's a photo of my ex & her girlfriend, dressed up real sexy, like they are excited to go out for a night in the town. It can be for a double date, for all I know. She absolutely HATED going out to bars & clubs when we were together. But this photograph just pissed me off at first, and sent chills down my ENTIRE BODY. I feel it's disrespect for me to see this. I felt like I had been lied to. I'm not going out dating right now, or going to the clubs & bars with my buddies.

So my natural reaction is to wanna call up my buddies & go out to the clubs. It doesn't mean I wanna go out drinking, because I don't. But I'm in danger of putting myself in a situation hazardous to my sobriety. But I calmed down and decided right now, the best treatment is the silent treatment. No more text messages & no status updates on FB. I know taking pictures with random girls & posting it on Facebook is only gonna make both me & my ex feel worse (me because she'll get the green light to do the same herself). And if she seen that I been at an intoxicated environment, at this stage of my recovery, she would be more disappointed in me than sad.

If anything, what I can learn from it is to finally let go & release myself of any emotional attachment or good memory of her. It may cost us our friendship we have right now, but ultimately, I have to focus on myself to stay sober. (please correct me if I'm taking the wrong approach) Good thing I hit rock bottom on Day 1, otherwise I wouldn't desperately seek all the knowledge & advice that has help me live life on life's terms without alcohol; thus given me the strength to handle this situation better than I normally would. Today I am grateful to be 80 days sober, and grateful to find this forum.

Have you been through a similar situation? What are your thoughts about the situation and/or advice on how to deal with it? Thanks

tooling

I have had my heart broken by women before when I was younger.

One in particular put me through the wringer. In general, when a companion parts from a another they will say things to make it seem like it's themselves that need time and it's not you or whatever. Lot's of lies pretty much to make a break.

If two people enjoy being around each other and are in love they will stay together through most anything. When one leaves the other while the other is still is love something was never right to begin with anyways. The best thing to do is forget about her and avoid friends all together that drink. Avoid the whole scene. Do your own thing and just chalk it up as a loss and move on.

I'm older than you and when you get to my age of almost 40 you will get a better grip of relationships. But when you are young I understand they can really rock your world. Just remember she is just a person just like you. Nothing more or less. Just two people that didn't quite see eye to eye. She may continue to go to the bars but your lifestyle will be better because you will be sober, strong and healthy sir. And in this healthy state you will one day find a women and both fall in love some day. Just make sure you find a women that doesn't do the night life of drinking... choose wisely.

CarolD

I'm glad you are working a strong committed recovery program...Congratulations and Welcome to SR...

Hmm...you are reading far too much into the picture...IMO
I know I don't want an unflattering ugly photo of me anywhere...
I do get all dressed up for many reasons.....yes sometimes to have pictures made with friends.

Please do let this be a time for both of you to make progress on your personal goals....yours is recovery...hers is a new job

Perhaps it's even best that you are apart for this time...maybe later you can re connect in person....if either of you wish to.
Not all loves are forever.....nor do they have to be.

bTW....The oddest thing happened to me....the man I thought was interesting and fascinating when I was a drinker....no longer appealed to me after I quit.
It took me a few months to realizew that we no longer shared the same goals

sugarbear1

Focus on you. If you have seriosly surrendered and are in aa, maybe it's your higher power requesting a chat. Everything will work out. Leave fb alone. Distractions make me relapse.

I am powerless over alcohol people places and things. My hp is in full control!

Stay sober for you, the future is unknown. I know it will be okay.

Eddiebuckle

Russ, sorry you're going through this in early sobriety. The only thing that jumps out here is that you seem to resent your ex. As your sponsor may have already told you, at the core of every resentment is an unmet expectation. My sponsor also taught me that "unrealistic expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments."

The first sentence of the above quote sounds like an attempt to punish or villify your ex. All because of a photograph on FB, for which you have no background information on which to pass judgement. She is a single person now, and has every right to spend her time as she wishes and with whom she wishes without your approval.

You are spot on with your last sentence:

Everything else is noise. Breakups hurt, but don't get yourself all worked up over a photograph. Your sobriety and sanity are too important to get rattled over that crap.

Congratulations on your 80 days and keep up the good work.

artsoul

Welcome RaiderRuss and congratulations on your sober time! You sound like you're keeping sobriety first and that's awesome.

I think Carol made a really good point about getting caught up in your imagination, thinking about her being at a bar, etc..... it's not going to make you feel better.

It's pretty hard to maintain a friendship if, down deep, you really want more than that. Give yourself time/space to accept the breakup, so that you're OK with or without her. It's kinda like getting sober. It will come - it just takes time. :ghug3

RaiderRuss

Thanks guys

I've had time to cool down, and talk to a couple AA's and some close friends. What all you guys say make perfect sense, and in hindsight make me feel positive. My main focus should, without a question, be myself. I'm in a perfect position to grow, spiritually and mentally. And I'm know I'm gonna love the man I grow into, when this is all said and done.

I really want to get my head straight, and focus on this new process with all the tools given to me. But there's just things, like this loss, that trigger my depression & anxiety, and it messes with my daily functioning. I still got work to do, but I'm glad to be here & share

Edit: one thing everyone told me was... "STAY THE F OFF FACEBOOK!". I'm working on it, lol