babycat

I am so sick of this stupid cycle. I know I want to quit. I binge and then feel horrible and swear to myself I will never drink again. Then I am good for a few days, no drinking and COMPLETELY forget what it does to me and don't give a moments thought about picking up the first drink.
How do I get it through my head that 4 or 5 days of no alcohol is not enough? Why can't I just say no when i KNOW i FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AFTER JUST 2 DAYS WITHOUT ALCOHOL.
My mind and body just forgets I guess. I don't get hangovers despite being blackout drunk, just massive anxiety.
I am so incredibly sick of myself. Ho do you stay on the right path?

MycoolFitz

because you're an alcoholic? In my case drinking caused me to break out al over in stupidity.
We create our own reality in the physics of our dis-ease. I once celebrated 6 months of sobriety with a drink--that drink lasted twice as long as my sobriety. Change your mind, change your reality. With time the mind gets the message that booze in the anchor in the ocean, not the life vest. In time the dis-eased mind rights itself and supports your sobriety. Until then you may want to print out your post, blow it up large and place copies conspicuously around your house. Hit those old brain cells with a dose of your truth as you learn to remember your real memories.

"Not only can't I remember my experiences in my previous lives, I can't even remember what I did yesterday." Dalai Lama

babycat

I like the idea of printing this out. I need that. My BF might find it a bit odd but I need something. I am finally realizing I have to truly change my lifestyle to do this. My best friend lives around the corner form me and we live right next to some pretty nice bar/restaurants and we are there all the time.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to talk to her about this. Anytime I have mentioned that I think I have a problem she convinces me I don't for the night,lol. But I do. I have a big problem that will kill me.

Boleo

I was stuck in a relapse cycle for years, trying to learn how to stay sober. The paradox is, I never did learn how to stay sober. I finally had a Spiritual Awakening which ended up managing my sobriety for me. That's why I now say:

"Not-drinking has nothing to do with why I am sober today".

Hevyn

babycat - I kept trying to re-create my early drinking days. Long after I realized they weren't coming back - I still tried to use willpower to control my intake & have 'a few'. Always searching for that old euphoria that I couldn't possibly have again.

I had 3 yrs. once - decided to have 'just two' glasses of wine. Off I went for SEVEN years. (I wish I was exagerrating.) That time I almost lost my life. No more cycling for me, or I'm done. That's how I stay on the path - I remember my last binge & how terrified I was.

Glad to see you sharing your feelings here - it helps so much to know we aren't struggling through this alone.

BennyHill

You can get a lot of advice from this site, but in my experience you have to just stop drinking. After that, you rebuild yourself and repair any problems in your life.
It is not easy, but it is worth it, IF you really want to be sober.

Good luck with your choice, I hope you choose sobriety!

Opivotal

I was in the same rut babycat. It wasn't until my drinking made my life unbearable, that I made my mind up to stop. I wanted to be sober, more than I wanted to drink. I guess that was my turning point. You might want to keep a journal and look back to it, when you want to drink.


Best Wishes To You!

babycat

Maybe I just don't want it enough yet? It is so crazy. It honestly makes no sense. To feel soooo good, be working out, and mentally clear and yet still go back to this ridiculous poison.
What is it going to take?

Zebra1275

MycoolFitz already nailed the answer!

because you're an alcoholic? In my case drinking caused me to break out all over in stupidity.

The Big Book calls it cunning, baffling and powerful. That pretty much describes it.

yogaisland

I also had friends that encouraged me to drink even though I was clearly an alcoholic, babycat. Sadly, people are selfish and they don't want your problem to interfere with their good time. It may take a major change of friends for it to stick.

I had to lock that gross, nasty, horrible hangover feeling into my mind and recall it vividly whenever I looked at a glass of wine. It eventually worked and now I feel slightly nauseated and look away from drinks. I did that with cigarettes back in the day, and now I have dreams about relapsing on both of them, but being sickened and I can actually wake up with that horrible taste in my mouth. It's not pleasant but keeping that yucky feeling present in your mind is a great deterrent.

Don't worry, it will eventually stick for you! I know that I had tons of Never Agains until I had my permanent Never Again.

TwelveSteps

I wrote out a long list of the reasons I didn't want to drink and how it made me feel, copied it, and taped it to my bathroom mirror, the fridge, and other places I would see it all the time.

GG

Peter G

^^^Very well said and SO true^^^.

Babycat, something I do on occasion when my memory lapses and I forget how rotten life used to be as a drunk ... I come here and go back to my very first post(s). Revisiting the time when I was desperate, scared, sick, ashamed, angry, e.t.c... all because of booze. Sometimes it just takes my own words to jolt my memory and remind me of just how pathetic things were not terribly long ago, moreover how much better life is now with some sober time under my belt.

Worth a try.

sugarbear1

If you aren't ready...you can always have an allergic reaction and break-out in handcuffs, hospitals, or a morgue.

What's it gonna take?

Sorry to be harsh, I waited too long to quit...I was really being harsh to me, and, yes, those are my 3 "not yet happened to me" list of things done.

You can do it! Your friend needs her drinking buddy. Today I have friends who care about me & my sobriety and wel being.

mikefreak

I don't believe there is ONE alcoholic out there who hasn't gone through what you are right now. The Big Book talks about what short memories people such as us have. Just keep fighting & NEVER give up!

artsoul

I don't know.... I think the alcoholic side of us will always want to keep drinking. When I first came here, I didn't want to quit and that's one reason I knew I had to.

Coming here every day really helped.......

Boleo

If you are beyond human aid as I was, "Wanting it" will never be enough to overcome the spiritual malady. It takes fire to fight fire. It takes a spiritual solution to overcome a spiritual malady.

babycat

Thank you all. Cunning, baffling, and powerful right?
Its so true it almost feels like an understatement. I am confident I will get there tho. I have too.

Dee74

Hi babycat

support was the key for me in breaking that cycle.

By logging in here every day and by working on my recovery daily, even when I wasn't craving, I was ready for those 'oh no I'm alright' moments when they surfaced and was able...for the first time in 20 years...to push through them.

Use whatever support you have - be it SR AA or whatever - but if you use it consistently, you'll get there

D

least

I don't know what happened after my last (my last) relapse, but it was different, I was different, and I stayed sober just by being stubborn. I just stubbornly refused to let myself drink, no matter what. And after a few months of being stubborly sober, I discovered gratitude and my recovery went a lot better after that.

Each day I am grateful for something, no matter how little or big. I try to express it to someone, as well as just expressing it to myself. And it's made a huge difference. Practicing gratitude on a daily basis took away my desire to drink. I just didn't want to drink.

Now I'm coming up on 21 months and feeling pretty damn good most of the time. Being grateful really does me a lot of good. It affects how I live my life and makes it a lot better. I feel like I'm living, not just existing.

onlythetruth

Why do we forget? I don't know, I just know that most of us do, including me. For years upon years I KNEW that drinking was ruining my life, yet I did it anyway. I didn't even TRY to quit. I thought it was impossible.

Until the day I decided that I was done: that I was going to quit or die trying. Others may describe this change of attitude as a spiritual experience. For me it was not spiritual as much as it was practical: I was shutting the door and never going back. No kidding, I was willing to die before I'd pick up another drink. Many years later I still feel the same way, although all the hullabaloo that surrounded the decision and the experience of quitting has long since passed.

I guess that we forget...until we decide that forgetting is no longer an option.