Forwards

Hello All. I haven't been here for a while, though I think of you often.

I posted recently about a hospital scare. After a couple of months I drank again this caused another hospital scare (possible pancreatitis), this time worse.

I am now principally focussed on managing the collateral damage. I understand from AA that total honesty is necessary in recovery. However, this seems to be doing more harm than good in some ways when I talk to my family. I just seem to be upsetting them all.

There are some obvious groups where total honesty is clearly useful:

Doctors (some understand alcohol, some don't)
AA Group (if they accept me back)
SMART councillor (first meeting next week - hopeful about this)
SR forum

Others however are questionable:

Parents (very worried, supportive but don't understand. It's taken me years, how could they...)
Adult siblings (themselves hospital medics, already informed, supportive but angry with me)
Adult siblings (supportive, not fully informed, trying their best)
Little cousin (cares deeply and alas sees everything)
Wider family
Former employers
Future employers

I'm not defeated yet. I will sober up (again). I have been looking for employment today, exploring rehab options and making myself as useful as I can with housework etc. How though do I speak honestly with all of those who care for me without causing them futher harm?

Thank you for any tips you can offer.

Forwards - Alcoholic.

womaninprogress

Hello Forwards, I can only speek from my experience.....My family is riddled with alcoholism, my latest love was an alcoholic so I've seen it from different prospectives.

All I EVER wanted from my A was the truth! The lies hurt me deeper then any number of drinks he took. And if he would lie to me about being in a bar, what else would he lie about? His faithfulness? His feelings for me? I had to come to my own conclusion that EVERYTHING was a lie. That is SO hurtful.

We've had issues with my sister recently, she lives across country, yet I knew she was actively drinking. (she swore not) But like I told her, you can lie to your friends, your boss, your family and yourself, but the reality is anyone that loves you will see through your lies.

The truth will set you free. How they deal with the truth is not your issue. In being truthful with people that love you, you are also more truthful with yourself which is where the healing starts.

Good luck! And have faith in the people that love you.

MycoolFitz

Hello and good question. I think the subject of total honesty is something almost all alcoholics addicts struggle with. For one thing, we tend to create our own reality and for another we tend to lie to cover up, minimize and excuse our dis-ease. Some of us learn to lie even when there is no apparent reason too. To realize sobriety and to become sober I first had to stop lying to myself, then to my doctor, therapist, etc. as you mentioned. I am also honest with family and others close to me in as much as much as I believe the situation warrents it. Honesty and full disclosure are not necessarily the same thing. I do not share with my 90 year old mother the same things I share with my doctor or an AA group, they are different situations and circumstances. I do share I am an alcoholic and in recovery and the fact I utilize various support systems in my recovery and the like. If I am asked specific questions I answer honestly or say I'm uncomfortable sharing something. I need to be aware of the difference between lies and truth, secrecy and privacy and of course, boundaries. I'm learning life without lies is just so much easier and cleaner. I know, long answer, honestly.

Mark75

After reading your post, I was left thinking that maybe you are putting the cart before the horse... get some meaningful recovery and then you may be ready to "manage" this collateral damage...

Hmmm..... Manage??

Making amends is the 9th step. It comes after a lot of work with ourselves and our higher power... And, the 9th step specifically states not to make amends if it may cause harm...

You can't manage others, and the damage you've caused them, except not to cause anymore... You can make amends. Are you you really ready to do that?

Just my thoughts. Honesty is important and powerful. Use it wisely.

checkmate1

I think honesty is important......does it always benefit me probably not......I have been honest sometimes and regretted it later on even to this day in regards to some things in my life. Maybe it was for the best I don't know. I think at almost 4 months sober I am always honest with myself and that is all that matters to me.

bellakeller

Honesty is really important to my recovery. However, I work with my sponsor regarding how to go about specific amends. She helps me be clear about my motives for being honest about things. For example, if it's being honest just to let go of some guilt inside me, then I am probably not being true to the process and it's possible I am not being fair to other person.

MycoolFitz

Honesty made me think of the other side of the coin and this quote.

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams

sugarbear1

My sponsor said to call whenever I have a bright idea.

Honesty pertains to ourselves & sponsor in early recovery.

CarolD

Even as a child...lying was part of my life....I always wanted everything to appear shiney and special.
I continued that pattern as a drinker..and elebrated on it as an active alcoholic.

Lying has no place in my recovery journey.

switchboard

I don't lie ... but I don't "tell all" either. People know what they need to know, and what I'm comfortable with them knowing. They don't need to know everything. We are all entitled to our privacy, and there's nothing wrong with that. Being an alcoholic does not mean we have to open up to the world.

In my humble opinion.

NobleCause

Before I open my mouth these days, I try to take a moment to reflect on the following question: Is what I'm about to say helpful? If yes, I move ahead. If no, I alter course. It's made a world of difference in the strength of my relationships.

Lying is not an option, but complete transparency can also be harmful. Discretion is key, know the intent of your words before you speak and there should be no need to worry. Just my two cents.

MycoolFitz

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world." The Buddha

Cerberus

I think you can be honest while not necessarily spilling your guts. As some others have pointed out, tell what you feel needs to be told and forget the rat. I,personally, would jot be above lying either depending on who it was to and what their reasons for needing or wanting to know were. A nosy neighbor for instance or past relationships. Even family is not entitled to know my every thought. Boundaries are important and difficult to enforce with some people

Terminally Unique

Honesty is fine, except when it would injure you or others. Tell what you have to tell, and hide what you have to hide. The faithful pursuit of gratuitous self-disclosure can cause damage if not tempered, and I do not believe it to be necessary for recovery.

Anna

I learned to lie as a very small child, in order to protect myself, and the lying continued through my life.

I knew that honesty would be the cornerstone of my recovery, especially honesty with myself. But, I definitely don't disclose everything about myself to everybody.

SteppingItUp

Yup, I am sensitive to my spiritual condition. Dishonesty makes me sick. It can take a lot of practice after a life of lies, both to others and to ourselves. It's humbling too, which doesn't always feel so good at the time, but the gifts: priceless. An amazing life ahead based on spiritual principles.

How important is it? Check out the intro to How It Works:

I do believe in keeping it simple.

Perhaps the only question to ask yourself:

Have I honestly worked the program (the steps) of AA?

Best way I know to survive, repair damaged relationships, build a life based on integrity, get happy, joyous and free...

Go git em, tiger.

SIU

Jfanagle

I was told early on in recovery that, "we are only as sick as our secrets."

I use this as a barometer to determine just how well I want to be today?

Pretty simple test. I can't say that I always follow the formula, but it is that simple.

Jon

Sidney14

I struggle with total honesty to and do have my selective group of people I share it with. The most honest I have been has been with my So called sponsor, but I do struggle with confessing everything. So I am stuck on Step five and looks like I will be for a while.