married10

I am a wife of a relapsing alcholic husband.

In reading quite a few posts of peoples recoveries I do not read that many talk about there relationships with there significant others. I am curious to here from some of how a recovering A deals with their relationships.

My story is after battling internally for the past 16 months after he recieved his 4th OWI, swearing I would divorce if he had gotten another I would leave. I heard him out and stayed with him. After 7 months he had his first drink and then another and another and as you all know how it goes. During his recovery efforts, I had told him straight out I could not be his support person, I was his enabler for over 12 years. Even though after a couple months of sobriety he never asked to go to counseling or attempted to have alone time with me to talk. Maybe twice we had real conversations. I will say that there is a huge wall and very hard for me to let him in, but I guess to me actions speak louder then words and time and time again his true colors would show.

Now that I can say to myself that his want of sobriety is no longer there, I fear for our children of not having a father figure at all. I fear that if I do nothing at all and just keep living together and let all seem alright he will end up with another DUI and really get harder time and/or he will kill someone, which in the end would make me feel I had killed them too because I did nothing to help stop it.

I am considering asking him to move out. get a place of his own, not divorce but I just can't seem to handle it anymore and maybe, just maybe it might be what he needs to hit the bottom. Which I hope in the long run would save my kids father for them. I myself know I will be okay with out him, but it hurts and kills me to think my children could lose there dad forever.

Any thought appreciated.

Thanks

Terminally Unique

If you are trying to get him to quit, you might want to consider telling him he can move back in if and when he quits for good. Another alternative would be an ultimatum - "this is your last chance, if you drink ever again, even one time, you will have to move out."

bellakeller

No. My husband has a right to his own recovery as I have a right to my own. We stay each on our own sides of the street as much as possible.

Please take care of yourself and your kids. You have to do what is healthy for you despite what's happening with him, unfortunately. He's responsible for his own recovery.

Much love.

nandm

Neither of my marriages and none of my relationships lasted into my sobriety. I destroyed them with alcohol prior to getting sober.

Although I did get involved in a relationship at 3 months of sobriety but it was with a person who had 2 years sobriety at that time. We are still together 10 years later.

I can not imagine having found any sobriety in my relationships prior to getting sober. Alcohol was what brought us together and ultimately what helped break us apart.

I wish you the best in what you are going through.

CarolD

I have been happily divorced...before during and after my active alcoholism.


I strongly suggest you find a local Al anon meeting for yourself as you deal with this sad situation.
I'm glad to see you are useing our F&F Forum ..

ZZworldontheweb

I guess I should chime in here and be the black sheep.

I won't say I intentionally place part of the burden of my recovery on my spouse, but she has helped me immensely through her own strength and refusal to tolerate my BS.

One day she walked in and said "I'm sick of buying you beer and I'm not going to do it anymore". Then a few weeks later she said "When we got married, your body became my property and I'm not going to tolerate somebody putting poison in my property much longer". And this all had an impact because I knew she was serious and I knew she ultimately had my best interests at heart. She was right there supporting me in detox and when I started going to AA. She NEVER pestered me, but she was always willing to listen when I needed to talk about something.

And maybe the best thing is, she doesn't hover. She knows this is something I ultimately need to do myself and she supports me in that. She knows she will never quite "get" the way I think about booze. She can totally take it or leave it herself, and finds my condition baffling and I'm OK with that.

So, I think a spouse CAN help if they approach it with the correct spirit, and some strength, and the realization that it may work or not.

We've been married 22 years. I'm going to buy her a new car next week ;-)

Mark75

What kind of car, my wife needs a new one too...



I have been married 27 years this Sept., happily, mostly. My recovery has actually been harder on our relationship than my adventures before. I was never abusive, though occasionally a little hard to handle... I do have a couple of experiences where I was verbally abusive to my kids, thankfully only a few, and we have all been close and do a lot of things together... So I have been forgiven. By them.

I don't know what to say except take care of yourself, set your boundaries and enforce them, even if it does mean asking him to leave until he gets recovered.

I have had my one chance at misadventures with the authorities. She has told me that is it, she can't do it again, and I believe her. She doesn't do codependency. Not anymore.

gravity

I quit for good when I hit my bottom. My drinking was having major impacts of my work, family, and mental heath.

My wife could neither make me drink (although my "horrible" marriage was a popular excuse) or quit drinking. I had to do it on my own.

She rolled her eyes when I made my repeated solemn oaths to quit drinking (always to end up drinking again). But she was very supportive when I was IN A RECOVERY PROGRAM.

After two years of sobriety, we separated. Go figure! I'm now in that 50% of failed marriages.

50/50 joint custody, still sober, still in AA...everyone is doing quite well.

flutter

I have never depended on my husband when it comes to my recovery. In my opinion it's not only unfair, but inappropriate. It has been an incredibly intimate journey, and frankly it's none of his business. Wheat WAS his business was his decision to divorce me if i kept drinking, or to stay around and see what happened. Luckily I pursued recovery with every fiber of my being and it's been a beautiful (although painful) process, and a new, refreshed, kickass marriage is just a side benefit.

Kellye C

Hmmm, where to start LOL! In 1999 I found myself engaged to an alcoholic who would get verbally abusive and just plain mean when he would drink. Despite my gut screaming at me to walk away and not marry him, we got married in early 2000. I thought I could "fix" him, thought that he had never been loved properly and I could "save" him. When that didn't work I thought I could "force" him to quit by threatening to leave his sorry butt if he didn't quit.

Well, as I'm sure you can guess, none of that had any effect. Desperately unhappy, feeling trapped in another state from my family, I started drinking alongside him. At the time I did not drink alcoholically, I rarely drank and always stopped when I started to feel out of control. But I was miserable and I was ANGRY!! So VERY angry!! So basically I said to hell with it and if you can't beat em join em. This was in 2001. By June 2001 I left and moved home. He vowed to change. Six months later begged me to give it another shot, that he wasn't drinking anymore. Stupidly, I let him come. Short story is he hadn't changed and he hadn't quit drinking, but he WAS drinking less. I was pissed!! But the thing is that my habit of drinking with him in LA followed me back home to TX. By then I had started to drink to fall asleep (in real terms, I drank to pass out). Within 3.5 years I had become a raging alcoholic so physically dependent on alcohol that I couldn't go more than a couple of hours before withdrawals symptoms would start. I blacked out on a regular basis and was well known at multiple liquor stores in our town. I have left a BAR to run to the liquor store for a bottle so I could go back to the bar, drink socially then come home and drink myself out.

A huge fight involving the police, my kids, my mom and me so drunk I barely knew what was going on ended our marriage. This was in 2002. I threw him and my drinking continued to escalate. I found myself in ER's from alcohol poisoning. I made some very STUPID choices while drinking, ignored and neglected my two teens (at the time) and the list just goes on and on. When I got sober in 2004, I was terrified but knew it was this or go on to the bitter end as they say in AA.

So, I began recovery in August of 04 and had a temporary sponsor who sorta took me under her wing. She had a son who came in 6 months after me and I'll spare the entire thing but we got to know each other, became friends, then shocked our group when we became a couple and then got married in Sept of 2007. We are both still sober and both still attend A.A. and I couldn't be happier!!

From the start we both laid out ground rules. He works his program and is responsible for his sobriety. I work my program and am responsible for my own sobriety. Now, we have mentioned to each other at times when we see a red flag and will have discussions if one finds themselves in a bad place emotionally BUT neither of us DEPENDS on the other for our sobriety.

I have wondered at times what would happen if he relapsed. How would I react? Would I join him? Would I throw him out? My answer is a big "I hope not!" Whethre or not I drink depends on how spiritually fit I am and if I did end up going out I wouldn't/couldn't blame him for my actions. This I know 100% It would be on me.

So, there is my story and I hope it is helpful since I have lived literally both sides of the fence with alcoholism. The only things I would suggest would be to stay connected with the people on the Friends and Family board. Think long and hard about your boundaries. They should be concrete consequences for whatever action (drinking, fighting, driving, etc.) If you waffle and let them off easy, your credibility is gone. See my paragraph above about that. If you make an ultimatum you need to be prepared to stick with it so watch that. If you go no contact then that is exactly what it is. No contact. If you are required to have contact because of the kids then the contact is limited to that and that alone. Please note that I am not telling you to do any of this, merely relaying what I have learned, experienced and read on the F&F board. Codependent No More by Melody Beatty (sp?) is great reading if you haven't read it already. If you need help setting boundaries, the awesome people over on F & F can help. If you have access to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings please go. Even if you don't stay long-term, it is very helpful to have support at a time when you have uncertainty.

I hope this helps and I wish you and your family the very best outcome and God's will be done.

Hugs,
Kellye

flutter

Sorry, wanted to come back to this. 1. You can't save him. Regardless of what you do, he'll do what he wants. He may get 10 more OWIs, he may die of a liver condition. He might get sober next week and stay that way forever. There's nothing you can do to cause any of those things to happen. 2. As a child of alcoholics (now sober, thank God), I can guarantee you if he's actively drinking, your kids HAVE lost their father. At least for now. Whatever he decides about his life will be what they experience. Whether or not you keep them buckled in for a front row viewing to it, is your choice. Sorry if that's blunt.. I read here sometimes (ok, a LOT of the time) where people say "but I want to stay with him/her so that my kids have a father/mother" and it drives me slightly bonkers.. because someone in active addiction/alcoholism does not have the capacity to parent appropriately (speaking from my own experience), and they are already 'gone'.

I'm glad you posted here. I know we didn't give you a magical answer.. there aren't any with this stuff. Take care.

Terminally Unique

Your wife may have done you a favor. Addiction expands into the tolerance that surrounds it.

Jfanagle

I got sober when I was ready. I had been given ultimatums and stern talking to type lectures. Had seen tears, begging, threats, scorn and screaming out of total frustration. She found a boyfriend and I completely understood, he was a Dr. and I was a drunken lumber broker, who could blame her.

One night almost 12 years ago I realized I couldn't live this way and that was my last drink. 3 months into my sobriety I decided that I needed to leave and we are still good friends, but not a couple. Sobriety didn’t save the marriage.

My story, not meant as a predictor of other's lives, but for me it was me deciding to get sober, no one kept me drinking and no one got me sober. This alcoholic was self absorbed and I have met a few other recovered alcoholics who have admitted the same. For that reason we don't think we are hurting anyone but ourselves. It isn't that you don't matter; it is just that we are lost in ourselves and think only about our own "needs" when we are tipping that bottle.

That said, I wish you peace and comfort and look out for your family and yourself. I suspect that you don't want the kids to have a drunk for a Dad so you aren't removing them from anyone who would do them any good if he stays drunk.

Please understand that I can only give you my experience, you are welcome to add it to your pool of knowledge and I hope it makes your decision easier.

Best wishes,

Jon

SomethingBetter

My wife had put up with my drinking for many years, I drank when I met her, my children now grown had to endure it as well, one night after an accident involving my youngest child, I was walking lost in the streets drunk frustrated and pi$$ed off.

The next day my wife left me and out the door she said she couldn’t do it anymore, as I stand there holding an 18 pack coming in the door she was going out, the kids followed her.

That was the last beer I ever bought, the alcoholic in me drank every one of them while pondering the rest of my life alone.

She’s threatened to leave many times, but actions are louder than words, she came back after my last promise to quit, I don’t stay quit for her though, I stay quit for myself so I can be the father and husband I need to be.

I think if you do threaten to leave you need to be prepared to do it, mean it, otherwise the words mean nothing, it was make or break time for me, it opened my eyes and started me down the road to sobriety, for that I thank my wife of 23 years.

Peter G

Well spoken AVRT.

Peter G

I pretty much agree with everything being said here, with a caveat. Had I depended on my wife at all for my own recovery it would have certainly caused a serious relapse - as I came to find out she was having an affair shortly after being newly newly sober again (I had just come out of a relapse at the time).

Fortunately my recovery eggs were in a basket that she was insulated from, so the devastating discovery didn't cause me to have any alcoholic explosions. Had I involved her or depended on her for any support during my own recovery and self discovery, or more specifically, had I not been savvy of the co-dependency issues that can easily creep into the healthiest of marriage relationships - it would have destroyed me to discover her affair and some sort of epic relapse would have been certain for me.

I'm no expert by any stretch, but my gut tells me it's best if ones' recovery is not shared or supported in any relationship that hasn't been established as a result of the recovery itself. What I mean is that anyone - be it friends, family, coworkers - the whole lot should not take part in any way, once recovery is the goal. Too many chances for things to get entangled, judgmental, and complicated IMHO.

married10

Thank you all very much for sharing your stories. I have felt at times that I haven't been supportive enough and/or for that matter at all. I had told him straight out from the beginning when he was sober that I couldn't be. So in away I was right to stand that ground from what I am gathering from most whom have had a successful recovery from alcohol. I guess now the big step for me. Knowing if I continue to live with him and not step up to the a boundary I set for myself all will keep getting worse. Really so much thank you!

wheresthefun

I created my problem on my own, so it is solely my problem to fix. Everyone of us has to look no further than the nearest mirror.

DaveO

I as in any relationship need conversation.

All I need from my wife is for her to listen to something that may be bothering me, and she expects the same from me.

You get to know each other enough to know when something is bothering them, and may need to sit down and talk.

This is considered a meeting in our house.

We rely on each other for a kind word of support, praise, and an open ear.

We work our own programs, but both have the same belief that drinking is a choice, and that keeps us sober.

I can not rely on anyone, or anything else besides myself to keep me sober, because in a blink of an eye they or it could be gone.

sugarbear1

Try the friends and family thread. Welcome!