I Want to Kill Myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
I Want to Kill Myself
I have ruined myself and my family financially. It makes me ill to think about it. I don't see any way out of the financial and professional mess I have created.
I'm 3 days sober. I just hate myself right now. I feel like the most disgusting person in the world
I'm 3 days sober. I just hate myself right now. I feel like the most disgusting person in the world
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi LifeBlows
if you're thinking of self harm, please take the time to at least look through these links
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I remember thinking I'd never get my life back together too - but I did.
It took some work and some time but I did.
I don't know how long you've been drinking for but I know myself drinking fosterd a sense of hopelessness in me - it took me a few weeks of sobriety before the residual depressive effects of my long and heavy drinking faded.
I really believe there's noone who is beyond help or beyond hope.
Please - find some support - whether it's counselling or seeing your Dr or a recovery group or a rehab - there is help out there.
You really can turn this around. There's people here who want to help
D
if you're thinking of self harm, please take the time to at least look through these links
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I remember thinking I'd never get my life back together too - but I did.
It took some work and some time but I did.
I don't know how long you've been drinking for but I know myself drinking fosterd a sense of hopelessness in me - it took me a few weeks of sobriety before the residual depressive effects of my long and heavy drinking faded.
I really believe there's noone who is beyond help or beyond hope.
Please - find some support - whether it's counselling or seeing your Dr or a recovery group or a rehab - there is help out there.
You really can turn this around. There's people here who want to help
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Bay Area - Northern California
Posts: 69
I've thought I had "ruined my life" several times throughout the years & thought about suicide several times as well. Somewhere deep down inside I knew taking my own life was not the answer.
The solution looks nothing like the problem. At 3 days, I would imagine that the problem is the only thing you are able to see. I know that was true for me at 3 days and plenty of others that followed.
A friend told me that the only thing that kept him from following through with suicide was the thought coming to him: "What if it's worse?". We don't know what, if anything is on the other side of physical death but what if suicide made the suffering of this life look like nothing in comparison? Just a thought. At best, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Hang in there... Get to a meeting. If you can't get to a meeting attend an online meeting. If you are able to get to a meeting, get a sponsor. If you don't know what a sponsor is, ask someone at the meeting or look for a pamphlet at the meeting or online. Reach out, there are people that have been where you're at that will help you make it through.
Peace...
The solution looks nothing like the problem. At 3 days, I would imagine that the problem is the only thing you are able to see. I know that was true for me at 3 days and plenty of others that followed.
A friend told me that the only thing that kept him from following through with suicide was the thought coming to him: "What if it's worse?". We don't know what, if anything is on the other side of physical death but what if suicide made the suffering of this life look like nothing in comparison? Just a thought. At best, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Hang in there... Get to a meeting. If you can't get to a meeting attend an online meeting. If you are able to get to a meeting, get a sponsor. If you don't know what a sponsor is, ask someone at the meeting or look for a pamphlet at the meeting or online. Reach out, there are people that have been where you're at that will help you make it through.
Peace...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Sorry that you're struggling - I was in a similar place awhile ago and know that sort of darkness. I'd wrecked everything beyond repair and become convinced that the only way out was my own death - I'd settled on a plan, wrote and rewrote the letter, did practice runs, and made final arrangements. Shortly before I'd planned to do it, I realized I couldn't go thru with it without having truly tried every other option first - and I hadn't tried sobriety. I made a deal with myself - put the plan on hold, quit drinking for real, and see if things changed. It was a total Hail Mary pass. If nothing changed, I'd pick up the plan and carry it out, due diligence having been satisfied.
That was months ago, and I'm crazy thankful that things did change when I quit. My life looks very different now, and I'm learning to live with all of the errors of my past. It isn't always easy, in fact it's often not, but it is always worth it, and you'll never know what may be just around the corner unless you stick around and find out.
Counseling can be an enormous aid in getting thru this. If that's not an option, hopefully there is another form of support you can seek out. Help is a good thing. Hang in there, and best of luck to you.
That was months ago, and I'm crazy thankful that things did change when I quit. My life looks very different now, and I'm learning to live with all of the errors of my past. It isn't always easy, in fact it's often not, but it is always worth it, and you'll never know what may be just around the corner unless you stick around and find out.
Counseling can be an enormous aid in getting thru this. If that's not an option, hopefully there is another form of support you can seek out. Help is a good thing. Hang in there, and best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In early sobriety someone pointed out that when I say I want to kill myself it really means I don't want to be present for my feelings. But feelings pass and if you stay sober the remorse and self hate will stop. Just hang in there and you'll feel much, much better. When we drink, every day is the same. But when we're sober there hope ... today and tomorrow can be much different and we can repair the damage of the past.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 120
I like analogies, so I thought this was the best way to verbalize my thoughts to you.
A caterpillar knows that it will die shortly. While in the cocoon, it does cease to exist and I am sure if caterpillars can think or feel it would be feeling so afraid and alone, not knowing why it was in the situation it was in and what was going to happen.
And technically, it does die. But it has been reborn into something much more beautiful than what it was.
You sir are in the cocoon.
Very soon, that part of you that is so ashamed and injured will be a fading memory and those that love and need you will be happy and grateful, Make it to day 4 only. And then day 5.
A caterpillar knows that it will die shortly. While in the cocoon, it does cease to exist and I am sure if caterpillars can think or feel it would be feeling so afraid and alone, not knowing why it was in the situation it was in and what was going to happen.
And technically, it does die. But it has been reborn into something much more beautiful than what it was.
You sir are in the cocoon.
Very soon, that part of you that is so ashamed and injured will be a fading memory and those that love and need you will be happy and grateful, Make it to day 4 only. And then day 5.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
LBlows - hopefully you're having a better day??
I can relate to how you feel -I'm sure countless others here can as well. I financially ruined myself, I lost a great job, great friends and the majority of my family. I was lucky I didn't lose my children. I've built myself back up from that mess, back on track with a great job I've been at 4 years and re-establishing relationships with friends and family I've wronged in the past. I've messed up a few times in the last couple years but keep picking myself up and going on........I've acquired a new "love" for life and am thankful I have another chance.
you will do the same. it's not easy but man, it's SO worth it!!!!
hope you're doing ok.
I can relate to how you feel -I'm sure countless others here can as well. I financially ruined myself, I lost a great job, great friends and the majority of my family. I was lucky I didn't lose my children. I've built myself back up from that mess, back on track with a great job I've been at 4 years and re-establishing relationships with friends and family I've wronged in the past. I've messed up a few times in the last couple years but keep picking myself up and going on........I've acquired a new "love" for life and am thankful I have another chance.
you will do the same. it's not easy but man, it's SO worth it!!!!
hope you're doing ok.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
LifeBlows............................I have all Suffered..........We have All Suffered............Lost Much,But I made myself a Promise............I will never Giveup on me ..............................Never.
I had one person that Stud by me.................................Thats were I started.
One person was all I needed to believe in me.
She did not enable me just Loved me.
I knew if I got Clean and Sober I might make it.
We had Nothing but each other.
My full story is Published on this site.
You can make it...............................dont ever Giveup on you...........................Never.
There are LOvely People here that know what you are going through.Stay with us Winners.
I had one person that Stud by me.................................Thats were I started.
One person was all I needed to believe in me.
She did not enable me just Loved me.
I knew if I got Clean and Sober I might make it.
We had Nothing but each other.
My full story is Published on this site.
You can make it...............................dont ever Giveup on you...........................Never.
There are LOvely People here that know what you are going through.Stay with us Winners.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 304
Hi Lifeblows
We chatted a little last night. Being here as well as anything else you can take in regarding sobriety and picking your self back up. All helps. You and I aren't the only one's that have hit that rock bottom. It's a hard thump. I will say you can and will recover from this. Look at this list of people. Amazing all have been where you are, and I have been. I think many have had a fleeting thought of not going on, but that would defeat the purpose. You'll see you can do this and will someday be telling your story to another who is down right now.
We chatted a little last night. Being here as well as anything else you can take in regarding sobriety and picking your self back up. All helps. You and I aren't the only one's that have hit that rock bottom. It's a hard thump. I will say you can and will recover from this. Look at this list of people. Amazing all have been where you are, and I have been. I think many have had a fleeting thought of not going on, but that would defeat the purpose. You'll see you can do this and will someday be telling your story to another who is down right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
I know financial ruin. I know professional ruin. I know about alienating family and friends. And I know far too much about the resultant shame that was almost too much to bear at the time. I contemplated suicide myself. It was in the emergency room when I had the ephiphany - I'm not going out like this....
I didn't want to be remembered as someone who couldn't hack it. That wasn't the legacy I wanted to leave behind. I made some serious mistakes - but then again, I'm human. Everyone makes mistakes. The gravity of them is in the eye of the beholder.
What I managed to create was a dung heap of monumental proportions. It was tremendous. I couldn't even look at it; especially through the bottom of a bottle. That's true for any substance addiction.
I did end up in detox and in-house rehab and AA. I initially couldn't stop obsessing about the mess I had to clean up. I had to get myself seperated from the bottle and let my head clear a bit. I had to get sober. I had to take care of the present, live cleanly in the present, and then work out my problems from the past. I dealt with them in the order they reared their heads up; first come first serve basis. It required a clear head, honest discussion and honest effort. There are a lot of resources out there for those of us who find ourselves in the dung heap.
I built a strong sobriety foundation, maintained it, and then chipped away at the dung heap. It is gone today. I have built upon that new foundation, and the possibilities are endless. It really is a mental rags to riches story, but one I won't labor you with right now. Cleaning up my past had everything to do with a happy present, and had nothing to do with what I was forced to do. I paid every cent off, made apologies where apologies were due, came to understand my value in other people's lives, and turned that creaky ship around.
There are no material things in this world, or lack of them, that can ever put me in that spot where I was back then. That gift comes with sobriety.
Please give yourself that gift and the chance to enjoy it.
I didn't want to be remembered as someone who couldn't hack it. That wasn't the legacy I wanted to leave behind. I made some serious mistakes - but then again, I'm human. Everyone makes mistakes. The gravity of them is in the eye of the beholder.
What I managed to create was a dung heap of monumental proportions. It was tremendous. I couldn't even look at it; especially through the bottom of a bottle. That's true for any substance addiction.
I did end up in detox and in-house rehab and AA. I initially couldn't stop obsessing about the mess I had to clean up. I had to get myself seperated from the bottle and let my head clear a bit. I had to get sober. I had to take care of the present, live cleanly in the present, and then work out my problems from the past. I dealt with them in the order they reared their heads up; first come first serve basis. It required a clear head, honest discussion and honest effort. There are a lot of resources out there for those of us who find ourselves in the dung heap.
I built a strong sobriety foundation, maintained it, and then chipped away at the dung heap. It is gone today. I have built upon that new foundation, and the possibilities are endless. It really is a mental rags to riches story, but one I won't labor you with right now. Cleaning up my past had everything to do with a happy present, and had nothing to do with what I was forced to do. I paid every cent off, made apologies where apologies were due, came to understand my value in other people's lives, and turned that creaky ship around.
There are no material things in this world, or lack of them, that can ever put me in that spot where I was back then. That gift comes with sobriety.
Please give yourself that gift and the chance to enjoy it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by wellwisher 
What I managed to create was a dung heap of monumental proportions. It was tremendous. I couldn't even look at it; especially through the bottom of a bottle...
I did end up in detox and in-house rehab and AA. I initially couldn't stop obsessing about the mess I had to clean up. I had to get myself seperated from the bottle and let my head clear a bit.
I did end up in detox and in-house rehab and AA. I initially couldn't stop obsessing about the mess I had to clean up. I had to get myself seperated from the bottle and let my head clear a bit.
You may be surprised at how different things look once your head clears a bit, though.
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
I was in the same dark place you are in. I lost my job and had to declare bankruptcy as a direct result of my drinking. I felt so hopeless, I drank more and more to numb the realities of my situation. When I hit rock bottom, I checked into rehab and im 5 months sober with a new job. Im also in Toronto, lots of good rehab facilities in the area.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 160
Hang in there and keep getting more sober days behind you. I also thought of all "ruin" ... money, time, opportunities, family, embarrassment, health, and the list goes on.
Truth is, things DO change. It's just difficult to imagine it when you're detoxing and trying to deal with everything coming to the surface all at once. It's all you can think of - I know. It wasn't until I got sober and began making small changes, making small plans, focusing on health and family, etc., that I realized there were things to look forward to and that there is so much hope and happiness and fun and LIFE ... It's all very exciting now. Financially, I'm saving a ton of $ because I'm not buying booze ... and, being sober, I can now think of getting a better job if and when I want to.
You just have to take it one day (hour, minute even) at a time. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Truth is, things DO change. It's just difficult to imagine it when you're detoxing and trying to deal with everything coming to the surface all at once. It's all you can think of - I know. It wasn't until I got sober and began making small changes, making small plans, focusing on health and family, etc., that I realized there were things to look forward to and that there is so much hope and happiness and fun and LIFE ... It's all very exciting now. Financially, I'm saving a ton of $ because I'm not buying booze ... and, being sober, I can now think of getting a better job if and when I want to.
You just have to take it one day (hour, minute even) at a time. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Still Here
Thanks for all the wise words. I haven't had a drink since last Wednesday morning so I guess its day 5 for me now. I found journal that I had kept from a year ago and I am no closer to any of my goals now than I was then and it was just really really depressing. My cravings have subsided. They only tend to get really strong at around 8 until 10 pm when the LCBO closes and I cannot get alcohol. As we speak I have a (small) pay cheque waiting for me. Part of the reason why i didn't pick it up is because I am afraid that I will drink it and partly because I disappeared from the job. I am happy to say that I did not steal from the till at my mother's shop. I cannot do it sober.
Its a sales job and I plan to go back tomorrow morning to get my sales kit. I'm in two minds as to whether to explain what happened or just say that I had personal issues and ask for a second chance. I have to go into peoples homes and I have to drive (my own vehicle) and I'm just leery of what my boss will think. Part of me just wants to wallow in shame and say oh well, just find another job but if I do this job well the income potential is fantastic.
The last time I lost a job it was because I wound up in the hospital unable to call and just assumed that I had been fired but I hadn't so I don't want to just walk away. I would say one of the things I've learned being an addict is how to hustle and I think that if I gave this a chance I could make some really good money.
I was supposed to go today and get my selling kit but I was just too scared and embarrassed.
Thank you for reminding me that things do get better if I can just hang in there and stay sober. Thank you so much for that.
Its a sales job and I plan to go back tomorrow morning to get my sales kit. I'm in two minds as to whether to explain what happened or just say that I had personal issues and ask for a second chance. I have to go into peoples homes and I have to drive (my own vehicle) and I'm just leery of what my boss will think. Part of me just wants to wallow in shame and say oh well, just find another job but if I do this job well the income potential is fantastic.
The last time I lost a job it was because I wound up in the hospital unable to call and just assumed that I had been fired but I hadn't so I don't want to just walk away. I would say one of the things I've learned being an addict is how to hustle and I think that if I gave this a chance I could make some really good money.
I was supposed to go today and get my selling kit but I was just too scared and embarrassed.
Thank you for reminding me that things do get better if I can just hang in there and stay sober. Thank you so much for that.
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