DayWalker

Today...I'm about 120 days smoke free since I quit smokingI know, great heh? lol I do fell good about that!....and about 98 days since my relaps (1 yr sober before the relapes and close to 2 yrs before that off and on).

The past 3 months have been great. I've loved being sober, told everyone how great it is lol..and life has been just great.

Then....the past 3-5 days (I guess reality) has hit me. Not smoking is nooo problem. But stayin sober, well, I was the first one to stand up and say how strong my sobrioty was, but now....I'm finding myself wondering why I'm working so hard to stay sober. Just tonight,..it was such a chore just to not go to the store and get a bottle of vodka. I NEVER thought I would feel that way again, or even tell anyone I felt that way, but if I'm not honest then what am I. Don't even know why I felt this way. Just talked to my 14 yr old nice tonight and after that started thinking about my lfe and my mortality, stupid **** for sure. Then thinking of drinking followed...can't believe it crossed my mind, but it did.

So...I'm sober (barely lol) but I'm kind'a asking for some help...I havn't been to a meeting in a long time, havnt had a sponsor, just been doing it on my own for a few months this time. I'm not beyond meetings or AA, I have nothing again them. Just thought thought I'd be the "one person to finally do it alone this time" ...I know, not not funny is it.


Well....I'm open to advice (humbly)

Steve

Theophania

Hi Steve. I guess I can definitely relate to what you are talking about. I found that in the beginning of my sobriety, things seemed so fantastic, everything was great and I was on top of the world. I thought I had really strong sobriety going on, and couldn't understand what everyone was talking about with the whole 'struggling' thing. As far as I was concerned, they were just wimps that couldn't get the program as good as me..... Didn't I learn a wonderful lesson fast. Just before the six month mark of my sobriety, life just seemed to smack me in the face. It knocked the wind out of me thats for sure.

It was such a shock for me. Suddenly I was thinking about drinking on a daily basis again, just like the beginning, it was a scary time for me.

I do attend AA so my answer to my problem was to get my butt to as many meetings as I could, talk to as many people I could and get stuck into the steps. It got me through the hard times, it really did. I am slowly finding it easier again to get along in life on a daily basis without thinking about booze, but some days it just hits me. I guess with attending AA I have tools at my disposal to help me through those times.

Hang in there, this too will pass

Dee74

Hey Steve

Sounds to me like you know you need help...but you want to be the guy who never needed help. You can't be both, mate

If, for whatever reason, you don't want to go back to AA, find something else, some other support to get you through this.

If you're struggling, action is key Steve - don't sit around hoping you'll be ok, y'know?
The stakes are too high, man....

D

DayWalker

Dee you nailed it on the head bud.....

I'm "uncle Steve" the guy that is too cool to screw up, I'm "Brother Steve" the sibling that everyone looks up too. I'm the son that does no wrong, yet trust me....I can and do wrong, and I do screw up. I just don't want to admit it because if I do I'll feel I'm not living up to those expectations.


Yeah that kinda came out of nowhere eh? lol

Zebra1275

I havn't been to a meeting in a long time, havnt had a sponsor

When I first started AA I had a real idiot for a sponsor. I tried to sponsor myself. That didn't work very well.

Get to a couple of meetings, talk to people, do something! For me, trying to get by on my own was way too difficult.

BullDog777

try to remember why it was so important to have stopped in the first place. we spend so much of our lives, or atleast i did trying to "get away with it" with no consequences.


eventually, this disease in it's active state will catch you. it will beat you and it will drop you. there's no debating that, it's a fact. struggling with those thoughts on whether or not you could make it back after another relapse is always very dangerous and deep down you know it's just another nail in your coffin.

i think long term sobriety largely depends on those of us that can let those feelings go or not.

i know i'd never survive another detox the way i used to drink. anything short of oblivion was always a s#itty night so i'm 100% sure going back....even for a day is a step back to my death bed. i don't think either one of us can afford a step backwards.

i also know that everytime you relapse, it's that much harder to stay sober, longterm. for the sake of another reckless binge...do you really want to make everyday after that, that much harder than it already is?

go do something nice for yourself, but let go of any notion that drinking will make anything better. it won't even relieve that urge to drink. it'll just devestate you that you gave in.

i'll have 2 years in november....i'd say 97% of that 2 years was little more than creative distraction.... :rotfxko AA wasn't for me either. restoring vintage cars did the trick though. maybe try to find something new to do...maybe find a new hobby. i always say you never truely get over one addiction...you just replace it with one that dosen't ruin your life.

Ainslie

Daywalker, I go through phases.....having given up drinking and smoking (weed) - almost 3 years off the booze and just relapsed on the weed after 8 months off. Sometimes ill want a drink, others a smoke, and when I want a drink, weed seems like the most ridiculously stupid thing to smoke, and when I want weed, drinking seems like a ludicrous idea.

Id say head back to meetings, but sometimes meetings make me feel like drinking too - I think well, I could just go out and relapse and all these AA/NA people would still be nice to me and accept me back anyway, so why not? Touchwood I havent yet.

Anyway dunno if any of that helps - my main point is my obsessions/cravings change - weed one day/week, alcohol another.

DayWalker

I really do appreciate the replies from everyone.

I do have a question though. My family have been well aware of my alcohol probs in the past...but are not aware of the past two relapes over the past 3 yrs. So if I go back to a meetig this week, my family (mom, sister, bro inlaw, niece/nephew) that all look up to me, well they are gonna say "why are you going back to a metting after 3 yrs?"

How would you handle that question?

Mark75

I have been reading your posts and have sort of gotten to know you. I believe that you have the honesty openness and willingness to make AA work. Hell, I bet you would even like it ...

Tell your family that you feel something is missing in your life. AA may help you with that missing piece... You don't have to say a thing about any relapse...

Lots of people in my AA home group love to fish... Planning a trip this fall to go for steelhead with a bunch of really great sober guys.

BullDog777

I would answer it simply as a program "tune up". A measure of support in relation to your sobriety. Nobody likes to do anything completely alone and sometimes it's helpful to know that there are others out there that have common ground with you. some people go to church as a spiritual maintenance, AA is no different in that aspect.

the big book says: in essence that's always meant to me that our quality of sobriety is based on the footwork we do to keep the past behind us.

simply put, when my family asks me when i go back to AA or NA on occassion, "do i feel like i'm back sliding?" i say" no way, this is a tune up to prevent it from happening." that, any family member should be proud of. taking responsibility for your disease and maintaining a good program beats the hell out of having to explain a relapse. you know?

sugarbear1

I ran into a man with 22 years of sobriety. He was miserable & depressed, so he returned to a meeting to try something different.

keithj

Steve, is it possible that you already aren't living up to those expectations? Whether they are your own expectations, or whether those expectations are realistic is another topic. But admitting that you are or are not living up to them doesn't change the reality of whether you are or are not living up to them. I suspect you already feel as if you aren't living up to them. This is the kind of 'double life' the BB talks about in Step 5. It eats us alive.

Real change for me required me to look fearlessly into the dark places. Where am I really at? Not where do I think I should be or where I'm expected to be. But where am I really at.

That's the level of honesty I required to recover.

Gramps

Hello Steve - aka DayWalker, in this form my AA nickname is Gramps, I also happen to be a Steve. Not to try and establish some kind of great bounding thing but, if you are a drunk like me, we at least have two things in common. So now on to a little sharing. Like you when I was new in the Program I also tried to go it alone. Felt very uncomfortable, isolated, and was not the best choice of counselor for myself. Listening to my own advice is one of the contributing factors of my arrival at the doors of AA. After many failed attempts I finally got involved with a home group and found a sponsor. Finding activity with the group and good guidance with the steps began to help eliminate those old feelings. I truly began to feel “part of” and no longer alone. Of course the real help came through working with someone who had actually done the 12 steps, who better to teach and guide. My sponsor had a sponsor who was more than his mentor and I also inherited him as a grand sponsor. Armed with first hand knowledge I began to make real progress. For me as with many others, it has worked out very well.
Now comes the part that scares some people, in all humility I will now tell you that I have been sober and in the program for over forty years, yep I said 40 years. That being said, please know I had very little to do with it and before I start to sound like an “old know it all.” Please know it has been possible only because of AA, good sponsorship and with the help of my understanding of a Higher Power. The main reason I mention my sobriety is not for bragging rights, one of my grand sponsors has been sober for over 65 years, yes I said sixty-five years, So you see on the grand scale of things, although he would never say so, to him I am still somewhat of a newcomer. The only important fact to be recognized is that; AA has worked for me and many others through every type of catastrophe and difficulty that life can throw our way and over a lasting amount of time. If I may be of any help, I would be honored to do so, just let me know.
I was told many years ago when I asked an old guy, how do you become an old timer, his reply was simple, don’t drink and don’t die.

He did add something else though … if you get a sponsor and work the steps, chances are neither of those will occur for quite a few years. No drunk-a-log, just very simple advice. If it had been anymore complicated I don’t think I would have heard it.

Today I am honored by several men who have asked me to be their sponsor. The privilege has been mine because I firmly believe that the best way to learn is by teaching – so I am have become the beneficiary of simply passing on what I was taught by my sponsors.

In the final analyses, maybe that is how we all become winners; no more fear, no more guilt, only happy, joyous and free. What a deal!
I guess that is “living life on life’s terms” or better yet living life on my Higher Powers Terms

God bless, thank you for being here and remember that you are no longer alone.
Love to all Gramps.

Dee74

Hey steve

I think I know a little of what it's like - I was a go to guy for people - even when I was really into drinking I was still the IT expert for my folks, or the kindly uncle to my niece and nephew, or the problem solver for my neighbours, or the peacemaker in my social group, or the musical director in my band, or the approachable helpful tutor at my local college.....

It was hard to admit to all those groups that I had a problem, and it was harder still to admit I needed help to deal with that problem.

But the response I got was overwhelmingly positive - people actually wanted to help me - and I came out of it all a far better man than I went in.

Don't let your pride mess with your head Steve - you have a opportunity to make things better here - go for it

D

reggiewayne

I was feeling that way to in mid June. I thought "what am I fighting so hard for"? All of the meetings, time spent here, listening to recovery CD's, etc... what was it all for. I had gotten a job, I was involved with my family, I was doing everything I was suppose to, why not mix in some drinks???

That kind of thinking took me to the point of saying, why not! And that's what I did. My wife and I were at the pool and she went to get us soft drinks and I said, "get two beers instead". She did and we drank them. I then said get another. She did and we drank those. I then went and got another. Caught a buzz and it was time to go. On the way I home I bout a 12 pack of IPA's and a fifth of vodka (normal drinking right???). Had another beer and it just wasn't doing it for me. Had two more mixed drinks and then had two more beers. Still didn't get me were I needed to go. So I took two chugs out of the vodka bottle, and still didn't feel like I thought I would. At that point I said I better to go to bed because if I drink anymore I'll be drinking like an alcoholic........

My point here, is I drank a lot of booze that night. I finally gave in and gave myself permission to "get buzzed". The buzz really never came. I think I drank so much from 17 - 35 I just can't drink and get where I need to go.

That was the first night of my relapse. I continued to drink along those lines 3 to 4 times per week and got the same mediocore to poor results. The thing that I noticed that was the worst is the hangover the next day. Anxiety, shame, loneliness, guilt, etc... all bad. I would sit there and watch the clock and pray that another hour had past because that meant it was an hour closer to when I would not be hungover anymore. I started getting feelings in impending doom. Like I was waiting for the "other shoe to drop". All due to drinking the stuff that I thought would just make me happier.

The truth is, for me, there is no going back to booze for fun. It just isn't fun anymore. I wish it were, but it's not. It certainly wasn't fun when I originally quit back in December of '10. From where I'm sitting, recovery is the only option.

I think the thing I missed most about being in recovery was optimism. A feeling that I wasn't alone and thing will work out for me no matter what happens. Pretty much immediately after I started drinking again I lost that. My worst day sober is so much better than my best day hungover.

There really is no reason to think you're missing out on anything. Don't drink, its just not worth it.

Hang in there!!!