Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York City
Posts: 221
I can feel your frustrations. Every now and then I cut back a little on the meetings. I keep hearing, when you stop coming, you also start to convince yourself a drink ain't all that bad.
Meetings in the long run help me maintain my sobriety. It's sort of like tapping base, so to speak. I'm certainly not as obsessed with it as I was when I first decided I will not drink anymore. And I have a good idea about how the programs been working for me. I have been sober, so far, after all, so it's working for me. My sponsor has become a friend as well. Who asks my opinion too. Before my meetings, I didn't know ANYONE who didn't drink, so being around other recoveries has been priceless.
Also, you make it sound so black or white. Going to meetings doesn't mean your not a strong independent woman. I get a little nervous when my attendance drops, but that fear is not guilt for missing meetings, but a fear that the addiction will start clawing back, trying to convince me I was only a problem drinker.
Perhaps taper the meetings back, but keep proactive by posting here, reading up on other and more programs of maintenance, etc. Your meetings will welcome you back which ever you decide, if you need them.
Meetings in the long run help me maintain my sobriety. It's sort of like tapping base, so to speak. I'm certainly not as obsessed with it as I was when I first decided I will not drink anymore. And I have a good idea about how the programs been working for me. I have been sober, so far, after all, so it's working for me. My sponsor has become a friend as well. Who asks my opinion too. Before my meetings, I didn't know ANYONE who didn't drink, so being around other recoveries has been priceless.
Also, you make it sound so black or white. Going to meetings doesn't mean your not a strong independent woman. I get a little nervous when my attendance drops, but that fear is not guilt for missing meetings, but a fear that the addiction will start clawing back, trying to convince me I was only a problem drinker.
Perhaps taper the meetings back, but keep proactive by posting here, reading up on other and more programs of maintenance, etc. Your meetings will welcome you back which ever you decide, if you need them.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I think everyone in AA goes through these types of phases.
**Are you addicted to AA? No one can truly answer that question for you.
**Are you a strong, independent woman with AA or without it? I have met many strong, independent people in AA so personally I believe one can be with or without it. If one can be strong without AA then they can be just as strong and independent with it.
Personally what I have learned and experienced through my years in AA are the following:
**I go through phases of not feeling like I need to or not feeling like I want to attend meetings. What I have found is that during those times I have a few choices: I can cut back on my meetings. I can go all out and attend more meetings, or I can change where I go to meetings. For me what works is cutting back a bit on meetings without cutting them out. I normally attend 2 meetings a week but during those times I cut them back to 1 a week or I start attending other meetings. Attending other meetings allows me to get a new perspective, insights from listening to new people talk, meeting new people, etc... so I am more inclined to do this rather than cut back my meetings.
**My sponsor is now my friend, I find that when I call her and discuss a problem with her it is no different than if I was talking to a friend. She provides her insight into the problem and we discuss it but ultimately the decision on how to deal with that problem is up to me. It always helps to hear another perspective on any problem.
**Going to the meetings helps keep the doors open for the newcomer. If people stopped going to meetings because they felt they did not need them because they had been sober a while then who would carry the message to those just starting, who would be there to show AA works, who would be there to sponsor the newcomer?, etc....
Those are just a few things I have learned over the years. Ultimately it is up to you to do what you feel is right for you. One thing you can be sure of is that AA will be there when you need it. Take care and I do hope you find what works for you.
**Are you addicted to AA? No one can truly answer that question for you.
**Are you a strong, independent woman with AA or without it? I have met many strong, independent people in AA so personally I believe one can be with or without it. If one can be strong without AA then they can be just as strong and independent with it.
Personally what I have learned and experienced through my years in AA are the following:
**I go through phases of not feeling like I need to or not feeling like I want to attend meetings. What I have found is that during those times I have a few choices: I can cut back on my meetings. I can go all out and attend more meetings, or I can change where I go to meetings. For me what works is cutting back a bit on meetings without cutting them out. I normally attend 2 meetings a week but during those times I cut them back to 1 a week or I start attending other meetings. Attending other meetings allows me to get a new perspective, insights from listening to new people talk, meeting new people, etc... so I am more inclined to do this rather than cut back my meetings.
**My sponsor is now my friend, I find that when I call her and discuss a problem with her it is no different than if I was talking to a friend. She provides her insight into the problem and we discuss it but ultimately the decision on how to deal with that problem is up to me. It always helps to hear another perspective on any problem.
**Going to the meetings helps keep the doors open for the newcomer. If people stopped going to meetings because they felt they did not need them because they had been sober a while then who would carry the message to those just starting, who would be there to show AA works, who would be there to sponsor the newcomer?, etc....
Those are just a few things I have learned over the years. Ultimately it is up to you to do what you feel is right for you. One thing you can be sure of is that AA will be there when you need it. Take care and I do hope you find what works for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York City
Posts: 221
missmargo, perhaps you should consider starting your own meeting? Maybe a once a week, round robin share. Or a topic meeting, a reading meeting. Whatever. If "AA around here" doesn't serve every need, like basic maintenance, perhaps provide for that need? Some people actually find the life they build in recovery is worth spending more time with! 
Everyone has different needs. I know many old timers (15-40 years) who do one or 2 meetings a week or less. But they do still come, and hearing their stories and advice is welcome.
Maybe it's time for some new options in your area. No one owns AA or rules it!
Everyone has different needs. I know many old timers (15-40 years) who do one or 2 meetings a week or less. But they do still come, and hearing their stories and advice is welcome.
Maybe it's time for some new options in your area. No one owns AA or rules it!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Maybe you're not an AA-type alkie and you don't really need the fellowship or the program. Maybe you are and you do though. Nobody can really answer that for you other THAN you. Seek lots of guidance - sponsor, fellowship, and essspecially HP.
You and I got sober about the same time. I've had similar feelings - boredom in the meetings especially. Feeling like I wasn't "getting anything" anymore. What I came to find out was that I wasn't GETTING anything because I was still going with the expectation of TAKING something. I hadn't really crossed that line from being a taker into being a giver. The transition wasn't always pleasant or easy and it won't make my top ten list of fun things to do..... let's not forget, I'm still selfish and self-centered.
As I practiced giving more though, wow........did things ever change. Sponsees have been coming out of the woodwork. Guys and gals are asking for my #......AND they're calling. I picked up this whole NEW way to practice these principles in all my affairs. .....totally awesome. Looking back, I can see I was resting on my laurels.....only I didn't see it at the time.
Maybe you need to do some exploring and find some new groups / new fellowship. Maybe you need more action. Maybe you're making the same mistake Fred (or was it Jim?) made - you're failing to prefect and enlarge your spiritual life?
One thing I've learned though.....when I'm feeling tension, pressure, or something bad....... it's been 100% attributable to something I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing......or something that I'm NOT doing that I should be doing.
Really important time to do some soul-searching, some seeking, and some leaning on HP to make you aware of what your next step should be. Your sobriety and/or your life may be riding on your next course of action.
You and I got sober about the same time. I've had similar feelings - boredom in the meetings especially. Feeling like I wasn't "getting anything" anymore. What I came to find out was that I wasn't GETTING anything because I was still going with the expectation of TAKING something. I hadn't really crossed that line from being a taker into being a giver. The transition wasn't always pleasant or easy and it won't make my top ten list of fun things to do..... let's not forget, I'm still selfish and self-centered.
As I practiced giving more though, wow........did things ever change. Sponsees have been coming out of the woodwork. Guys and gals are asking for my #......AND they're calling. I picked up this whole NEW way to practice these principles in all my affairs. .....totally awesome. Looking back, I can see I was resting on my laurels.....only I didn't see it at the time.
Maybe you need to do some exploring and find some new groups / new fellowship. Maybe you need more action. Maybe you're making the same mistake Fred (or was it Jim?) made - you're failing to prefect and enlarge your spiritual life?
One thing I've learned though.....when I'm feeling tension, pressure, or something bad....... it's been 100% attributable to something I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing......or something that I'm NOT doing that I should be doing.
Really important time to do some soul-searching, some seeking, and some leaning on HP to make you aware of what your next step should be. Your sobriety and/or your life may be riding on your next course of action.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi MM-
I find my meeting attendence ebbs and flows, just like my sobriety, just like my happiness, just like, well, me and everything else in this world
Heck, my participation on this website ebbs and flows too.
to they own self be true
Kjell~
I find my meeting attendence ebbs and flows, just like my sobriety, just like my happiness, just like, well, me and everything else in this world
Heck, my participation on this website ebbs and flows too.
to they own self be true
Kjell~
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by missmargo916 
... I feel like I "need" a meeting. I need to belong and be a part of that. It is almost like I'm addicted to AA. It's the strangest of feelings.
Then something unexpected happened. I started wanting to see others get well. Call it a new addiction if you want - I call it a purpose driven life. I no longer fight the feeling to go to a meeting or correspond with others in recovery.
I have tried going without both for a few days and it drives me nuts. I suspect that if I stayed in that frame long enough, it would drive me to drink. One of the most important things I have learned about this new crusade of mine is, I only need "try" to carry a message. Success or failure is an adjunct issue.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 455
missmargo,
It sounds like you are burnt out with AA.
Why don't you take some time off from going to meetings, but keep a journal of how you feel each day, making note of any changes in anxiety, aggression, etc. See what it is like for you outside of AA. Maybe you do not need the program, or maybe you really do need it. You will only know if you step away and see how things are.
But above all, get to a meeting or a phone if you find yourself thinking about "having just one" or some such nonsense.
Good luck with your situation, we at Sober Recovery are always here!
It sounds like you are burnt out with AA.
Why don't you take some time off from going to meetings, but keep a journal of how you feel each day, making note of any changes in anxiety, aggression, etc. See what it is like for you outside of AA. Maybe you do not need the program, or maybe you really do need it. You will only know if you step away and see how things are.
But above all, get to a meeting or a phone if you find yourself thinking about "having just one" or some such nonsense.
Good luck with your situation, we at Sober Recovery are always here!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Originally Posted by missmargo916
I'm scared I can't stay sober without AA. I feel like I "need" a meeting. I need to belong and be a part of that.
GG
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 107
Sounds like you attend a creepy group. I have found that some meetings just plain suck. Then again I'm spoiled and am able to pick and choose. I might also suggest, as others have, of expanding your sober tool chest. I use smart as well as aa. I also use exercise, hobbies, friends, healthy living. The list goes on and I like it that way because on most days one tool or another just isn't doin it for me.
Oh ... and I would also feel very uncomfortable with the thought of "needing" a meeting. That's not what I'm about anymore ....
"I've got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings
But now I'm free
There are no strings on me"
Oh ... and I would also feel very uncomfortable with the thought of "needing" a meeting. That's not what I'm about anymore ....
"I've got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings
But now I'm free
There are no strings on me"
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by missmargo916
The meetings I go to are very structured. There is no tappering back. You either go to 3-4 meetings a week or you are a "bad AA member" and not working a solid program. And there is quite a bit of judging in those meetings. The sponsorship style isn't one centered on suggestions, but rather "strong suggestions". And sometimes I honestly feel like I'm not getting the best advise - asked to stay in friendships which are very toxic, codependency with those around me, and very black & white thinking.
Maybe it's not so much that I need something different, but that I just need meetings that are more on my level? I don't know... I just feel very confused right now.
Maybe it's not so much that I need something different, but that I just need meetings that are more on my level? I don't know... I just feel very confused right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 455
Originally Posted by missmargo916
I've been praying and meditating on this issue. Every day opens up new insights. Yesterday, I was full of fear. Today, that has changed a bit. Just like my sobriety evolves, so do my feelings about sobriety.
I think maybe I'm just in a rut with meetings. I'm going to go when I have a desire. The groups I have been involved with are so rigid. They are all about the fear of taking a drink if you miss meetings. I hear a lot that people "need" meetings to stay sober. If you miss your meeting and don't make it up, you will be crazy and you are that much closer to a drink. I don't think that's where I'm at right now. It worked extremely well early in sobriety, because I didn't know how to have structure in my life. Now... it's just too much. I live in a city where there are all kinds of meetings to attend, so I think maybe it's time to branch out. I just don't feel like the group is healthy for me anymore. I'm feeling very forced and pressured to comply with their type of AA.
I don't want to quit entirely, but my sponsor and other sponsors from those groups have taken an all or nothing stance on meetings so I've let myself take that stance too, even though I didn't truly believe in it. And it's caused a rift between me and AA.
So I guess my new question is this: how do the rest of you work your program? Do you hit a certain number of meetings a week? Do you call your sponsor several times a week at a scheduled time or is it as needed or just to say hi? Do you have the same structure in your program as I've discussed? Have any of you had this struggle with your program and had to make your own rules on what works for you?
I think maybe I'm just in a rut with meetings. I'm going to go when I have a desire. The groups I have been involved with are so rigid. They are all about the fear of taking a drink if you miss meetings. I hear a lot that people "need" meetings to stay sober. If you miss your meeting and don't make it up, you will be crazy and you are that much closer to a drink. I don't think that's where I'm at right now. It worked extremely well early in sobriety, because I didn't know how to have structure in my life. Now... it's just too much. I live in a city where there are all kinds of meetings to attend, so I think maybe it's time to branch out. I just don't feel like the group is healthy for me anymore. I'm feeling very forced and pressured to comply with their type of AA.
I don't want to quit entirely, but my sponsor and other sponsors from those groups have taken an all or nothing stance on meetings so I've let myself take that stance too, even though I didn't truly believe in it. And it's caused a rift between me and AA.
So I guess my new question is this: how do the rest of you work your program? Do you hit a certain number of meetings a week? Do you call your sponsor several times a week at a scheduled time or is it as needed or just to say hi? Do you have the same structure in your program as I've discussed? Have any of you had this struggle with your program and had to make your own rules on what works for you?
My "program" consists of meditation, exercise and reading. Simple stuff too, like being kind, patient and understanding. Most of the time at least!
I had to go this route for my own reasons, but it is working for me. I hope you can find some balance of your own. You should keep going to meetings though, as this ennui you have might just pass.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by missmargo916
I have noticed in the last year that my passion for AA has diminished. I no longer need meetings. I don't really want to attend them.... I'm scared I can't stay sober without AA. I feel like I "need" a meeting. I need to belong and be a part of that. It is almost like I'm addicted to AA. It's the strangest of feelings. It reminds me of the panic I used to feel getting sober and thinking about quitting drinking and using. I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't do it alone....
Has anyone else gone through this and had these same feelings? Is this a normal reaction to walking away from a 12-step program? I just was hoping to hear some input on what you all thought... I want to stop, yet I feel like I can't. It's very confusing.
Has anyone else gone through this and had these same feelings? Is this a normal reaction to walking away from a 12-step program? I just was hoping to hear some input on what you all thought... I want to stop, yet I feel like I can't. It's very confusing.
Yes, this is often a common reaction to walking away from a 12-Step program. I have seen it many times before. I won't venture to tell you what to do, but if indeed you are serious about leaving AA, though, feel free to contact me.
I can put you in touch with others who have done it successfully, some after decades of meetings.
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