Shaking An Urge
 

It's been a trainwreck of a day, and I'm crawling up the walls. The want feels like need. I know it will make nothing better, but there's a bottle here now because nothing else has made sense these last few days. We've all got stress and struggles, and I'm well versed in things not going my way, but there's a point where swimming against the tide becomes exhausting enough that I'd like to stop paddling. That was the thinking that scored the scotch tonite.

The thinking that gave pause and led me here, venting instead of drinking, acknowledges that the impulsive drive to run away from my life is a weighty and dangerous one, and that, even tho I'm in over my head right now, no condition is permanent. The drink is not worth its cost.

I haven't opened the bottle, and I'd like to think that I won't. Perhaps someday I'll not think immediately to drink when things fall apart, but until then I suppose I am just happy to catch myself before I light the match that sets it all ablaze again.

...all of your "right nows" turn into "someday"....

I'm realizing that I don't have much of a repertoire for coping just yet. I've been a one trick pony for lots of years and it almost feels like an arrested development. And it's an added level of humbling and frustrating to confront that on top of trying to react to the present drama.

Vent away, Noble. My only fear is that once you stop swimming against the tide, and stop paddling, the only thing you can do is drown. And you are in danger of drowning in a vat of scotch.

Please chuck it away, vent here some more...and keep venting until you feel done with venting. Your posts recently have been gearing up more and more toward relapse, if you read back over them you'll see you are tricking yourself into thinking there's no other way. That darn stinkin' thinkin'! There's nothing I can do to stop this, but I'm practically hopping off my seat shouting 'NO! NO!'

I'm so sorry it's been a cr*ppy day for you. Tomorrow might not be fab either, but with a hangover to deal with, it's going to be even worse. Your avatar is full of sense. Keep calm and carry on. Hugs.

It can be a rather simple thing, if you want it to be...

And feeling bad about your coping skills, frustration and such... that's all valid and par for the course, I'd say. Part of you wants to be sober, yet some part of you wants that drink. Ambivalence in dealing with an addiction is maddening.

For me, the only thing in the world that brought hope, peace and security... and now, confidence... was deciding that I would never drink again, no matter what... under no circumstance will I ever drink. Good or bad... rain or shine... I do not drink.

The idea was anxiety-provoking initially, then rather shocking... and now it's exhilarating.

This implies that logic drives the urge.

I don't think that wanting sobriety completely, yet still being struck by the compulsion to drink during difficult times are mutually exclusive phenomena. Far from ambivalent, I am fighting like a mofo to hold my ground and grow my sobriety while I navigate some pretty gnarly stuff.

Apologies if this sounds defensive - it isn't meant to be. I've been on the ropes all day and need to go find a way down.

I disagree about logic driving the urge. I think the logical part of you wants to be sober. The addictive voice or your addiction itself is the only part that doesn't. It isn't logical at all, it's only pleasure seeking.

NC.....:hug:

Time to take stock of why living sober is so worthwhile.
Little trick I can share.....
Start with the Letter A and make in order...a list of the positives.

A shower...I bit of comfort food...music that calms....all help me with balance
Praying is the best tool I use to keep my head on straight..

Can you pour that bottle out to remove the temptation?

Yeah, it does seem inevitable. Didn't drink last night, but didn't sleep either. I've about run my course on this with my life the way it is, so time to figure out a different way. I don't think the current is sustainable for much longer. Apologies for the venting.

No apologies necessary...always grateful for your honesty. You have gotten some good suggestions here. Think the drink thru to the consequences....don't drink...take it one day at a time. Glad you are here.

I'm really glad you resisted NC.....well done...Yup:

Care to share what you did?

I sat, I paced, I took deep breaths, I answered work emails, read parts of a technical manual, gulped scalding tea, cursed out loud to no one, took a shower, booked a weekend trip out of here, did 200 sit ups, thought about death, read the newspaper. And then I watched the sun come up and headed to the office. It wasn't a graceful night, but I'm relatively intact today.

glad you didn't give in,

I play scrabble on the net went I can't sleep and the push up and sit up work well also..

Keep it up and good luck!!

I hit an AA meeting whenever I feel the urge to pick up. Have you attended any meetings? It's good that you didn't drink with a bottle of scotch in the house, but I recommend that you get rid of it or, better yet, ask a trusted friend or family member to do it for you. If you want to stop drinking for good then I recommend that you have no liquor in your house whatsoever. I may be reading you wrong, but I sense that you are reluctant to get rid of it. I know that if I had bottles lurking around I might not drink for a day or two or three or more, but eventually if I am having a bad day everything could change in a heartbeat. If I had a bottle of scotch around the house, I could invent dozens of reasons why I should hold onto it, because my alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, & powerful illness. I don't like to play with fire anymore, though. I don't even keep mouthwash at home that has any sort of alcoholic content in it.

Well done NC, keep up the good work and please post back here.

I don't think it sounded defensive at all.....

In some instances, it takes a little "meanness" or "bad-a$$ness" to get/stay sober... ya know, you gotta get maaad at drinking. And make NO mistake, the challenges in life KEEP COMING......which makes our quest for sobriety even moooore important because, from my experiences, those challenges keep getting deeper, more difficult, and more challenging as we age.

The weight of life bearing down on me sure did wonders for my "willingness to go to any lengths" to grow in sobriety. The worse things got the more willing I was to try new avenues and to really give them a sincere, from-the-heart try..... turned out, those "difficulties" were a blessing in disguise - the got me to where I am NOW. :)

I am in an odd place with this all - it's been long enough that the idea of just having a few every now and then is starting to sound reasonable, but I've also got enough time without a drink that I'm weary of ruining the streak. Staying sober has become hundreds of little hard battled choices a day. I constantly remind myself of the implications of a probation violation and the practical life matters that'd be affected, yet somewhat shockingly, at times I could care less. At the end of the day, it's about stubborn me, not the courts and not anyone else. And as absurd as it might be given all that's gone before, I likely still have it in me to throw it all away again. That's perhaps the most terrifying thing - that shifty look in my eyes that I sometimes catch in the mirror, the one that shakes me with the realization that perhaps I'm not done yet, perhaps there's more of this yet to come.

Anyhow, still sober after a tough stretch of days. Just trying to figure my way onto a better wavelength.

NC
The grizzle and the struggle I get. I get a sense that you work hard and are valued for what you do. Alcohol will not make up for taking stock and seeing where you are at and what's next, where is it going etc.

I got to a stage where I did not plan for the future anymore, I was struggling on a number of levels to hang on for today, this week, this month. Life was leaving me behind as I was trying to juggle drinking and 'normal' life. Now I am day 85 I have to face up to the fact that I will need to change a lot, that I feel ill prepared to do.

I still don't plan for the future..........yet

Absolutely right. Equally correct is the fact that being struck by the compulsion and resisting it are not mutually exclusive. The early stages of sobriety suck. Think - do you really want to go through that again - or is it worth sucking it up and going on to an easier path daily?