BackToSquareOne

NobleCause, is it possible that at some level you're resisting because you feel that quitting is being forced on you by circumstances and it's not really what you want to do? It almost strikes me that the stubborn part of your mind is in conflict with the common sense part. The common sense part builds and achieves so that the stubborn part can come along and tear it all down. You need to strengthen the common sense part and come to a place where you're at peace with yourself. When you can truely accept that what is, is and that the past is done and can not be changed, only then will you be able to put the stubborn part to rest as it will no longer have a purpose.

Terminally Unique

I will second what BackToSquareOne is saying.

Do you feel that you want to quit, or do you feel that you have to quit?

NobleCause

On some level, I'm absolutely conflicted by the fact that until sobriety is completely my choice, it's not completely my choice. On the one hand, I am thankful for the forced intervention of jail and probation as there was no other way I'd have stopped, but on the other, the infantilizing nature of a structure like probation chafes my stubborn nature in the worst way. I hate this about myself - stubbornness is the same self destructive base quality which kept me in denial and pitted me against the rest of the world for a painfully long time. But it also appears to be hard wired, just my nature, and it kicks up with a vengeance when times are tough and I'm on the ropes. The last couple of weeks were very difficult in general, and required me to operate in fight mode just to keep things in the air. The idea of drinking became a fixation, both as escape and relief from stress, and as a symbol of proving that I was in charge, calling the shots, willing to sacrifice myself to stick it to "them". I didn't want a single drink, I wanted full bottles. Common sense calls that sort of thinking absurd, childish; my stubborn ego says otherwise.

This sort of strife is likely going to be a long term issue for me and will demand a pretty fundamental shift to fix. At 109 days into this, it seems that I'm only just beginning to uncover the fault lines.

As far as the wanting to vs. having to quit construct, the best I can say is that I desperately want to be content, at peace, fulfilled in some way in this lifetime. To get there, it would seem that I have to be sober.

Soberpotamus

I can very much relate to this "sticking it to them" by drinking. I did this sort of drinking for 3 years at my last job. I felt a huge lack of control. It wasn't a job that was good for me. There were some toxic situations. I would drive home as fast as I could, and straight to the store for a couple bottles of wine. I couldn't pop the cork out fast enough... I'd be finished with that bottle sometimes in an hour or less. And then onto the next one. All the while railing about people and situations at work.

All I can is that drinking just won't do anything at all to help your feelings of lack of control. Getting sober won't either. But being sober and somehow trying to deal with your situation is the only thing that's going to help you.

Good luck!