pinkfirefly

Hey. i know people are sick of me saying this. but i just don't know what to do. I'm scared that i will not be able to give up drinking. people always tell me, that you have to really want to do it, want to stop. and i do, to a point. i don't want to be like this, have this problem. but i just don't think i can stand the thought of never drinking again. drinking is like my whole world, it feels like. that's how i get through my day, looking forward to having a drink later that night. and when i try to tell myself, no, you can't drink tonight. i get this horrible depressed feeling deep inside of me, like i can't imagine how i can live with out that drink. i just need to know, if you have felt this way, what did it take before you finally were strong enough to stop drinking? I am just really scared. even going to the AA Meetings, and seeing a counselor, doesn't seem to take away my cravings and longing. luckily, i have been controlling my behavior a little better lately. i will still drink a lot at night, when the husband and kids go to sleep. so i don't do any thing stupid or make a scene or anything. my husband can't even tell lately that i have been drinking. i guess i'm getting better at hiding it and not doing stupid stuff while drunk. but i still know that for myself at least, i can't live like this. i know i'm hurting myself and killing myself slowly. please no negative comments.

Mark75

I couldn't imagine not ever drinking again either.

If only you'd stop drinking and start recovering these fears you have, these depressing thoughts, would all begin to go away. But until you do quit, it will just get worse.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Rehab?

Lenina

((((pink)))). Don't try to get ahead of yourself. Don't think about in terms of forever. Just think about today. I still think the best thing you can do for you and your family is to go inpatient. Learn about getting and staying sober in a safe place without distractions.

I worry so much for you. I wish there was a quick way to make people want sobriety but it's just something you have to commit to on your own. I don't want you to lose your family or your own life in your struggle. I know inpatient saved me so much grief and suffering. I want you to be well.

Please give some serious thought to going inpatient for treatment. I fear time is running out for you.

Love,

Lenina

MycoolFitz

Hey, I spent 45 years on and off active drinking, way, way more on than off. The thought of never drinking again was so frightening I was traumatized. I couldn't begin to imagine my life without the bottle, I didn't even want to. The truth was not so much that I couldn't stop drinking but that on a very gut level survival mode I didn't want to--like willingly stopping breathing forever. I justified it for a long time by rationalizing that since I was clearly an alcoholic drinking was what I did. Made sense to me. Eventually, like you, I realized I couldn't go on living like this--physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually--I was fading away, disappearing before my eyes. In a rare moment of clarity I realized I had only two choices, go on needing drink like a vampire needing blood or committing to removing drink from my life--forever! Literally, in the middle of a drink, I choose forever. It couldn't be worse than the Hell I was already in. Now, I don't think about forever, I think about I'm not drinking in the moment. And in this very moment its all ok. A rambling response but all I've got for you. Its all ok in this moment.

Supercrew

Hey. i know people are sick of me saying this. but i just don't know what to do. I'm scared that i will not be able to give up drinking. people always tell me, that you have to really want to do it, want to stop. and i do, to a point. i don't want to be like this, have this problem. but i just don't think i can stand the thought of never drinking again. drinking is like my whole world, it feels like. that's how i get through my day, looking forward to having a drink later that night. and when i try to tell myself, no, you can't drink tonight. i get this horrible depressed feeling deep inside of me, like i can't imagine how i can live with out that drink.

I was just like you for a very long time. I wanted to quit drinking....to a point. I couldn't imagine life without alcohol. It's all I looked forward to for 27 years. I lived to drink. Then something finally clicked in my immature mind. I felt like I was going to die after a detox, and my wife was about ready to leave. I wanted to see my son grow up, I didn't want to die, and I didn't want to lose my marriage.

That's when I decided that I was going to give it my best effort. It was hard as hell the first few weeks, but I got through them sometimes a minute at a time. Then after the first month it got alot easier. I realized drinking was the thing that was holding me back, not making me better. Then I realized my depression that I thought I had cleared up and it was drinking that was causing my depression.

I finally matured enough to say I don't need to drink and I don't want to drink. Then at about 6 weeks the obsession lifted to where I really didn't have an urge to drink.

It can be done, and you can do it. But as long as you still believe that you need to have drinking in your life you will never quit drinking. Take a leap of faith and believe me, drinking is causing all of your problems and not helping you in any way.

It was a little over a year ago that I truly believed that I couldn't live without drinking. Now a year later I can't believe I drank for 27 years and wasted some of the best times of my life drunk and couldn't see that it was the booze that was ruining me.

LaFemme

When I was drinking I felt the same, plus I hated when people would say things like "if I can do it anyone can"...but it's true.

Keep trying, keep reaching out...those are awesome first steps.

Hugs.

Terminally Unique

Unfortunately, in this game, you can't look ahead to see what lies around the corner. The alcohol is blinding you, and making you depressed and anxious. You have to turn that corner. Only then will you be able to see what lies beyond the tiny bubble of addiction.

I will give you the best advice anyone ever gave me: if you don't take that leap of faith and quit, you will destroy yourself.

TwelveSteps

I never thought I could go without drinking either. A year and a half later, I don't even want to drink anymore, I'm just so grateful that part of my life is over.

GG

BennyHill

pinkfirefly,
As you can see, most of us have felt like you in some ways. When I made the decision to stop drinking, my first thought was "What about all this great wine I have? Some stuff I have never had a chance to taste! And the new vintages are coming out next month!" But it passed, and like so many others on this site, I cannot imagine going back to "that" life.

I wish you the best. I also think you know deep down you must stop drinking.
Try not to think so long term, just minute to minute.

Please keep us posted!

ReadyAndAble

Hey, Pink, I think Supercrew's post is worth reading a few times. I knew I needed to stop, but couldn't imagine how—life without alcohol seemed so bleak. But it turns out to be the other way around. This is the sunny side of the street.

instant

It was unbelievable when I was drinking .........but the joy of sobriety is a reality I have experienced. I never want to go back to the hell and torment that alcohol delivered me to.

Sobriety is worth the effort and pain. After a week you will feel much better.

CarolD

We know you can quit drinking...because millions of people are now
non drinkers and grateful to have found their way out of misery....

What has your counselor suggested you do? You have been seeing one for months now.
Have you heard anything of value in the AA meetings since you started going?

we can and do recover Pink...so can you.

Boleo

You just described me. There was a part of me that wanted to stop and there was a part of me that wanted to drink forever. It seemed like whenever all the cards were on the table displaying the pros and cons of quitting, it only took one "lets drink" card to trump all the others.

I spent close to 3 years trying to get to a point where I wanted to quit more than I wanted to drink. That never did work for me. What did happen was I found a power greater than myself that solved my problem for me. It never had anything to do with what I wanted. It had everything to do with what my higher power wanted for me.

If this does not sense, don't worry about it. Spiritual principles don't need to make sense to get results.

Fandy

I think your anxiety over the future overwhelms your thoughts and leads you to drink in the secret way now after everyone is out of the picture for the evening.

you need to tell your counselor what you are doing and maybe try some relaxation techniques to help you relax without the alcohol....it's a vicious circle, anxiety and booze to quell it, which in REALITY makes you more anxious and unable to sleep, whammy of guilt thrown in and less sleep...and booze makes it harder to sleep...giving you more anxiety in the morning, which leads to wanting to relax with booze.....and the nwe have depression setting in which is made worse by booze....throw in the fact that you feel and look bloated, can't lose weight...it's a lot to deal with.

I had to pick each thing apart and tackle it one at a time...first drinking, then my head and slowly it got better..after many tries...

the term ODAAT is key for me. it might be for you too.

Eddiebuckle

PF,

I know exactly how you feel. For me, it was the day I recognized that the terror of staying the same was harder to accept than the fear of not drinking. It's not a requirement that you lose everything and get to deaths door to get to that mental state, but in some way everyone who acheives sobriety has that moment and chooses sobriety.

Good luck.

bdiddy5522

For me, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to feel healthy more than I wanted to live in shame, lies, and misery. Alcohol is NOT your friend Pink. It is a toxic relationship (abusive), constantly lying to you. Kick that abusive "friend" to the curb!!! You can do it.

tooling

I actually wanted to drink forever. But as my body started having issues like pains in my left side of my belly area and the drinking problems translated over to my job. I had every reason to at that point quit.

The question is what if you can't quit? I'm not sure how into it you are but I would very slowly ween off it. Cold turkey can kill people right? For me I went days without drinking so i knew i could cold turkey but it sucked anyways. So I just started drinking less times a week.

Do what you need to do! You carry the ball.

Good luck and best wishes.

endlesspatience

Hello Pink. I remembered what Dee said in response to something you posted here previously. "Do yourself a favour - go back and read every one of your old posts and threads. They're all asking the some question - look how long it's been." The reason why we understand your emotions is because we have been through them and asked the same questions. But we had to take that leap of faith put down the bottle, find a programme and start work on it.

bellakeller

I don't want to be an alkie either. But at some point, I just had to accept that I am one and now I do everything I can to stay away from the thing that keeps me so sick on so many levels. It sucks to have to live with this condition, but I am glad it's treatable.

SSIL75

I didn't realize until I quit that that feeling was CAUSED by alcohol. It's like banging your head against a brick wall and then bitching about a headache.

I can totally relate. I think we all can. But you think that way BECAUSE YOU DRINK. If you quit drinking and work on new ways to live then you won't feel that way anymore.