Failing to adjust
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
Failing to adjust
So I'm moving across country next week and I don't have a place to live yet. And my boyfriend of the past 3+ years is not coming with me. And I don't know if I have to give up my cat. And I'm starting school again in an area completely foreign to me. And I know one person in a 45 minute radius. And I'm going to be really really poor.
I have a lot of adjusting to do in the near future and it scares me. I'm hurt by my boyfriend's decision not to move with me. I think we're going to try and make it work long distance (at least he wants to), but it's hard for me to believe it's going to work out when we've done long distance once already and it pushed us to a breaking point, both personally and as a couple. That was two years ago, after that he quit his job and moved to be with me (although I had to take another job in a different part of the country). I can't believe after living together for a year he wants to go back to long distance. Yes, there are legitimate career reasons for him wanting to stay but it still really sucks. Anyway..
My boyfriend had been sober for almost 14 months. He started drinking again this May. I had my last drink 4 weeks ago today. I move on Wednesday. My boyfriend's friend is having a birthday tonight and they're going out to the bars. My boyfriend wants to go. I'm struggling with stress and it's really difficult for me to go out to the bars where everyone is drinking (I dislike being around drunk people at this point) and not drink. I don't think he realizes how difficult it is for me, especially right now. I'm not feeling any support from him or anyone else at this point in regards to my sobriety.
I guess what I'm looking for are words of encouragement and reminders to stay strong. I know I've had WAY more energy being sober and not hung over. I've gotten to enjoy more activities, I've been able to be more productive. I've been less reactive emotionally to a lot of things (less crying) than if I had been drinking. These are all good things that help, but they aren't immediate, concrete rewards.
I want support. That's all. I know I'm being whiny, but I do feel lost and alone.
Any tips on staying strong would help.
I have a lot of adjusting to do in the near future and it scares me. I'm hurt by my boyfriend's decision not to move with me. I think we're going to try and make it work long distance (at least he wants to), but it's hard for me to believe it's going to work out when we've done long distance once already and it pushed us to a breaking point, both personally and as a couple. That was two years ago, after that he quit his job and moved to be with me (although I had to take another job in a different part of the country). I can't believe after living together for a year he wants to go back to long distance. Yes, there are legitimate career reasons for him wanting to stay but it still really sucks. Anyway..
My boyfriend had been sober for almost 14 months. He started drinking again this May. I had my last drink 4 weeks ago today. I move on Wednesday. My boyfriend's friend is having a birthday tonight and they're going out to the bars. My boyfriend wants to go. I'm struggling with stress and it's really difficult for me to go out to the bars where everyone is drinking (I dislike being around drunk people at this point) and not drink. I don't think he realizes how difficult it is for me, especially right now. I'm not feeling any support from him or anyone else at this point in regards to my sobriety.
I guess what I'm looking for are words of encouragement and reminders to stay strong. I know I've had WAY more energy being sober and not hung over. I've gotten to enjoy more activities, I've been able to be more productive. I've been less reactive emotionally to a lot of things (less crying) than if I had been drinking. These are all good things that help, but they aren't immediate, concrete rewards. I want support. That's all. I know I'm being whiny, but I do feel lost and alone.
Any tips on staying strong would help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
I think you are strong and insightful. Listen to and respect your gut feelings. If bars and drunks don't fel right to you then they aren't Lots of change is always frightening but better frighten sober than numbed out drunk. My best to you and all that you are facing. Sorry your friend is drinking again. Something you might want to think about in your relationship.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Why go?
You could use this time to work on your moving plans ...pack...
call your friends to say good bye....or simply relax and de stress.
Chances are you will never see this group of drinkers again anyway...
You could use this time to work on your moving plans ...pack...
call your friends to say good bye....or simply relax and de stress.
Chances are you will never see this group of drinkers again anyway...
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Great job on your 4 weeks sober! I can see how things would be difficult right now but you have a lot to feel good about, too: you've gotten sober and you're going to school. Those are both really great investments in yourself and your future. Congratulations!
Drinking isn't going to change the anxiety and hurt you're feeling, except to make them worse. It won't help you figure out your living arrangements or what to do with your cat. It won't change your boyfriend's mind.
If you can, try to focus on taking it one day at a time and look at the positives. Things will work out. You can make some new friends or check out AA for extra support. Your boyfriend might find that he appreciates you more then ever.......
Remember that you're doing what's best for you because you're worth it! And you're definitely not alone. We're all going through challenges while trying to stay sober and we need each other, especially when we're going through emotional stuff. Hang in there - it is SO worth it!:ghug3
Drinking isn't going to change the anxiety and hurt you're feeling, except to make them worse. It won't help you figure out your living arrangements or what to do with your cat. It won't change your boyfriend's mind.
If you can, try to focus on taking it one day at a time and look at the positives. Things will work out. You can make some new friends or check out AA for extra support. Your boyfriend might find that he appreciates you more then ever.......
Remember that you're doing what's best for you because you're worth it! And you're definitely not alone. We're all going through challenges while trying to stay sober and we need each other, especially when we're going through emotional stuff. Hang in there - it is SO worth it!:ghug3
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Hi,
Trust your gut feelings on this- if it doesn't feel safe right now to go out and be surrounded by booze, don't do it. That amount of change in life can be very stressful, I can relate to the situation you are in because I will be facing similar challenges soon.
Even if it might sound selfish, right now is the time where you have to make sure that some of your needs are met and the time to you allow yourself to take good care of your own wellbeing. If you don't feel like going, don't go, even if people could comlain. I like the suggestion that you could use the time to meet up with some friends to say goodbye instead. Your wellbeing and your sobriety are more important than what other people might say.
As hard as as it sounds, I thik it's beneficial to focus not too much on the relationship right now but try to stay intouch as much with as many other people that care about you as possible now. It will make you feel less alone and isolated.
I can also relate to the fact that being "abandoned" by a loved one in an already stressful phase in live can be very disappointing and frustrating. As lame as it is going to sound, if it is meant to be, itb will work out. But you really have some things to look forward to, something new and possibly exciting is going to start, and on the upide of it, you will have the time to really focus on that once you selttled in in the new situation. You are accomlplishing y a lot right now and you're sober for 4 weeks. You can do this. It would be a stressufl situation for anyone, regardless of alcohol issues.
Take good care of yourself,
Lionne
Trust your gut feelings on this- if it doesn't feel safe right now to go out and be surrounded by booze, don't do it. That amount of change in life can be very stressful, I can relate to the situation you are in because I will be facing similar challenges soon.
Even if it might sound selfish, right now is the time where you have to make sure that some of your needs are met and the time to you allow yourself to take good care of your own wellbeing. If you don't feel like going, don't go, even if people could comlain. I like the suggestion that you could use the time to meet up with some friends to say goodbye instead. Your wellbeing and your sobriety are more important than what other people might say.
As hard as as it sounds, I thik it's beneficial to focus not too much on the relationship right now but try to stay intouch as much with as many other people that care about you as possible now. It will make you feel less alone and isolated.
I can also relate to the fact that being "abandoned" by a loved one in an already stressful phase in live can be very disappointing and frustrating. As lame as it is going to sound, if it is meant to be, itb will work out. But you really have some things to look forward to, something new and possibly exciting is going to start, and on the upide of it, you will have the time to really focus on that once you selttled in in the new situation. You are accomlplishing y a lot right now and you're sober for 4 weeks. You can do this. It would be a stressufl situation for anyone, regardless of alcohol issues.
Take good care of yourself,
Lionne
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I don't have any useful relationship advice. You are facing some major challenges and could use everything you have. Alcohol is not a performance enhancing drug, but after it soothes you for a while .....................................you know the rest
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 39
I can't actually understand why people say don't go to pubs after you have giving up drinking yeah for some maybe, but going to a pub is not all about getting drunk with friends its also a time to meet up and socialize.
You will surprised of the high you get when you walk into a pub and order maybe a coke or a coffee and walking out of the pub afterwards knowing you done this.
In this life don't matter where you go alcohol is going to be their at some point, at this point the person has had the willpower to give up the booze so will most defiantly have the willpower to go out enjoying themselves without touching drink.
When giving up the drink carry on with your strengths, don't give in to weakness, the more alcoholics show weakness the longer it will take to move on with their lives.
You will surprised of the high you get when you walk into a pub and order maybe a coke or a coffee and walking out of the pub afterwards knowing you done this.
In this life don't matter where you go alcohol is going to be their at some point, at this point the person has had the willpower to give up the booze so will most defiantly have the willpower to go out enjoying themselves without touching drink.
When giving up the drink carry on with your strengths, don't give in to weakness, the more alcoholics show weakness the longer it will take to move on with their lives.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
Originally Posted by Gwizz 
I can't actually understand why people say don't go to pubs after you have giving up drinking yeah for some maybe, but going to a pub is not all about getting drunk with friends its also a time to meet up and socialize.
You will surprised of the high you get when you walk into a pub and order maybe a coke or a coffee and walking out of the pub afterwards knowing you done this.
In this life don't matter where you go alcohol is going to be their at some point, at this point the person has had the willpower to give up the booze so will most defiantly have the willpower to go out enjoying themselves without touching drink.
When giving up the drink carry on with your strengths, don't give in to weakness, the more alcoholics show weakness the longer it will take to move on with their lives.
You will surprised of the high you get when you walk into a pub and order maybe a coke or a coffee and walking out of the pub afterwards knowing you done this.
In this life don't matter where you go alcohol is going to be their at some point, at this point the person has had the willpower to give up the booze so will most defiantly have the willpower to go out enjoying themselves without touching drink.
When giving up the drink carry on with your strengths, don't give in to weakness, the more alcoholics show weakness the longer it will take to move on with their lives.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I don't mean to be shocking ...but there are all sorts of places to be with people that have nothing to do with alcohol...
I've also found the ambience more condusive to conversation and they don't reek of alcohol.vomit or smoke. the bathrooms often cleaner as well...
when I worked in the hopsitality industry ..the bars were there to serve one purpose..to sell alcohol. I doubt that has changed.
Non drinkers were not welcomed ...we needed the space for those who bought the booze. thus paying the bills.
sure we smiled and said Hello while we gave you the soft drink...we still laughed at you later and groaned when you came back.
I've also found the ambience more condusive to conversation and they don't reek of alcohol.vomit or smoke. the bathrooms often cleaner as well...
when I worked in the hopsitality industry ..the bars were there to serve one purpose..to sell alcohol. I doubt that has changed.
Non drinkers were not welcomed ...we needed the space for those who bought the booze. thus paying the bills.
sure we smiled and said Hello while we gave you the soft drink...we still laughed at you later and groaned when you came back.
Last edited by CarolD; 07-24-2011 at 04:03 PM.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Mt
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by Gwizz
I can't actually understand why people say don't go to pubs after you have giving up drinking yeah for some maybe,.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by lushly
I would have to be in a completely different mind set in my recovery to go into a pub or tavern. I went there to get drunk socialising was secondary. It would not be a wise choice for me to go out at 83 days sober. Maybe at some point, but not early on,not now. I knew a guy that continued to go to the tavern after he was sober. He had one heck of a program and was sober till the day he died. So it is individual.
But you do get that point that you become human again and live a controlled live again.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
runsinthefamily ....
I see you did not yet return to sR after your thread...hope all is well with you and that you will come back soon regardless of whatever happened.
I see you did not yet return to sR after your thread...hope all is well with you and that you will come back soon regardless of whatever happened.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
Thanks All
Hi Carol - I did end up going out, but I did check some of the responses before I left home. They helped to remind me that I had a choice whether or not to go and whether or not to drink - and I'm glad I went.
I was able to prove to myself that I am stronger than I thought, that when it comes down to it and I'm offered drinks, I can still refuse. Also not nearly the number of people showed up as originally planned for her birthday, so I was glad I could be there and get to see that group of people once more before I left. I just ordered a soda and was able to act as DD.
Thanks for the responses everyone!
I was able to prove to myself that I am stronger than I thought, that when it comes down to it and I'm offered drinks, I can still refuse. Also not nearly the number of people showed up as originally planned for her birthday, so I was glad I could be there and get to see that group of people once more before I left. I just ordered a soda and was able to act as DD.
Thanks for the responses everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by runsinthefamily
Hi Carol - I did end up going out, but I did check some of the responses before I left home. They helped to remind me that I had a choice whether or not to go and whether or not to drink - and I'm glad I went.
I was able to prove to myself that I am stronger than I thought, that when it comes down to it and I'm offered drinks, I can still refuse. Also not nearly the number of people showed up as originally planned for her birthday, so I was glad I could be there and get to see that group of people once more before I left. I just ordered a soda and was able to act as DD.
Thanks for the responses everyone!
I was able to prove to myself that I am stronger than I thought, that when it comes down to it and I'm offered drinks, I can still refuse. Also not nearly the number of people showed up as originally planned for her birthday, so I was glad I could be there and get to see that group of people once more before I left. I just ordered a soda and was able to act as DD.
Thanks for the responses everyone!
Remember you are in the best position now, it shows your body is not at that horrible stage yet where you NEED drink 24/7.
I bet you still had a lovely night out as well.
Keep up the good work.
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