My Liquid "Love"
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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My Liquid "Love"
Reading others' posts lately, having read Caroline Knapps "Drinking: A Love Story" not too long ago... and just having some split second flashbacks and flashes of a strong, ingrained desire to consume the infamous liquid again... it's really become glaringly obvious to me that I had a sick "love" relationship going on with my wine. And of course... it's a false, dangerous... deadly kind of love. All lies.
How easy it was to turn up a bottle of wine... instant friendship. No human contact involved... no one to actually prove they aren't perfect (thereby, human), no one to let you down, no one to criticise or hurt your feelings, or tell you like it is...
Did I actually learn to "trust" in wine? Instead of learning to trust and love people... I laughed haughtily and pushed them all aside... they weren't good enough... but the wine was easy, cheap, and consistent. It worked every time (nearly, not always... it began to betray me toward the end of our relationship).
It's amazing the things we can do over a short or long period of time... how we can acclimate and get used to absolute falsehoods and a type of insanity. The brain is a strange and complicated organ.
How easy it was to turn up a bottle of wine... instant friendship. No human contact involved... no one to actually prove they aren't perfect (thereby, human), no one to let you down, no one to criticise or hurt your feelings, or tell you like it is...
Did I actually learn to "trust" in wine? Instead of learning to trust and love people... I laughed haughtily and pushed them all aside... they weren't good enough... but the wine was easy, cheap, and consistent. It worked every time (nearly, not always... it began to betray me toward the end of our relationship).
It's amazing the things we can do over a short or long period of time... how we can acclimate and get used to absolute falsehoods and a type of insanity. The brain is a strange and complicated organ.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
Yeah, when I quit, one of the things I didn't anticipate the sense of loss. It seems weird, but Schiller's "Ode to Joy" calls wine "a proven friend until death". How strange that a substance can alter our mood to give us a sense of fellowship when one doesn't actually exist. Cunning baffling and powerful indeed.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 144
Inspiring post Jennie, Learning to be gentle enough without the aid of self abuse is a story in itself. Drinking deadens our emotions to not feel as deeply, The magic is to realize everyone is suffering of something or another and we must have some compassion. My biggest challenge is being easy enough on others and myself to just let things go. Laughing at silly things is certainly not as easy as they used to be.
Taking responsibility for our actions has been taken to a whole new level through sobriety and for that I must also be thankful. "The less we have, the more we can appreciate" can be taken in any context and at this point from my experience (((confusion))) certainly applies.
Please keep sharing your great insight.
Taking responsibility for our actions has been taken to a whole new level through sobriety and for that I must also be thankful. "The less we have, the more we can appreciate" can be taken in any context and at this point from my experience (((confusion))) certainly applies.
Please keep sharing your great insight.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
I just picked up my copy of Caroline's book from the library today. Since I was without kids in tow (unusual!), I sat in the car, cracked it open and began to read...
An hour went by without me even realizing it. Sitting there, warmed by the sun and with some peace and quiet, I was so immersed in that book I could have stayed there until I finished it. I've been trying to work out exactly where my 'love' of wine turned on me, the EXACT pattern of falling from high functioning alcoholic in total denial, to a sobbing mess who needed to quit, right then and there. How did it become so important in my life?
I am so glad that my ugly relationship with wine is now over. I don't have ANY fond memories at all, not even the ones where my drinking was normal. It was an evil, sapping relationship of abuse. I used to 'trust' the buzz I initially got, but after that buzz, I couldn't ever trust what it would make me do. It could be anything at all. I loved it, I hated it, and it abused me, consumed me, and I allowed it to do so every single day.
Thanks for your posts, Jennie. I read every single one. I look forward to logging on and seeing your thoughts for the day. Love your dancing animals, too!
An hour went by without me even realizing it. Sitting there, warmed by the sun and with some peace and quiet, I was so immersed in that book I could have stayed there until I finished it. I've been trying to work out exactly where my 'love' of wine turned on me, the EXACT pattern of falling from high functioning alcoholic in total denial, to a sobbing mess who needed to quit, right then and there. How did it become so important in my life?
I am so glad that my ugly relationship with wine is now over. I don't have ANY fond memories at all, not even the ones where my drinking was normal. It was an evil, sapping relationship of abuse. I used to 'trust' the buzz I initially got, but after that buzz, I couldn't ever trust what it would make me do. It could be anything at all. I loved it, I hated it, and it abused me, consumed me, and I allowed it to do so every single day.
Thanks for your posts, Jennie. I read every single one. I look forward to logging on and seeing your thoughts for the day. Love your dancing animals, too!
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Originally Posted by newwings
Thanks for your posts, Jennie. I read every single one. I look forward to logging on and seeing your thoughts for the day. Love your dancing animals, too!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Wine was my drink of choice, I can relate so much to your post...There was nothing, I thought that a bottle or two of wine couldn't fix! but near the end, it turned me into someone I wasn't...I'm almost 18 months sober now, and the thought of wine makes me ill.....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Middletown, N.J.
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by SoberJennie 
Did I actually learn to "trust" in wine? Instead of learning to trust and love people... I laughed haughtily and pushed them all aside... they weren't good enough... but the wine was easy, cheap, and consistent.
i love how you explained this. i can completely relate. as a fellow wine lover, i turned to that bottle and would drown my sorrows until the last drop. i always hoped it would never end. how crazy to feel more comfortable in that state of mind. youre right. it was a cheap and easy fix. and it always made me feel cheap and easy afterwords. not worth the millions of tears cried.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 392
Originally Posted by Adisa1101
jennie,
as a fellow wine lover, i turned to that bottle and would drown my sorrows until the last drop.
as a fellow wine lover, i turned to that bottle and would drown my sorrows until the last drop.
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