NobleCause

I've no doubt that quitting drinking saved my life. Yet there are still times when I am at odds with sobriety, when not drinking, ever, seems overly rigid, illogical, uptight. I begin to disagree with it ideologically and practically, and it becomes a fixation of my mind to debunk its virtues and find reasons to consider giving moderation another shot. I start thinking in hypotheticals and wasting time wondering where I'd be in a parallel universe if I'd had different luck. I've noticed that these are generally the times when I'm most run down, exhausted, stressed out, and needing to blow off steam. I become less grateful and more resentful, and once I lose perspective, I begin to really, really want a drink.

The past couple of weeks have brought a lot of friend, family, and work drama to muddle through, some of the life and death variety, and it's worn me out. At the risk of sounding whiny, I'm simply not used to being this responsible and accountable, and to not having a route of escape and relief at my fingertips. Over the past couple of weeks, I've also accumulated a full shelf of nice scotch in my office - gifts from clients and vendors, and apparently proof that old reputations die hard. The wiser individual would likely have regifted or discarded each bottle as it arrived, tho I curiously did not, unboxing and stashing them instead on a shelf just out of my immediate sight, where they stand at attention like tombstones or trophies, depending on my mood. I know that I should get rid of them before the challenge of their presence becomes a losing battle. Irony is, I think it makes me feel safe on some level, just having them there. It's as tho there's a plan being hatched in the back of my mind that that the front of my mind is blissfully ignoring.

I'm just a stone's throw from 90 days sober, and I'd like to get there and beyond. I have a list a million reasons long fueling my sobriety, and I face severe consequences if I do drink. Yet I am finding the idea of a drink presents itself. A lot. I've been running what I've thought to be a fairly solid program comprised primarily of exercise, meditation, and volunteering (well, technically community service), but it hasn't helped me budge from this current state of disillusionment or, lately, from stomping through my daily life at the end of my rope. Not sure what I'm looking for, perhaps someone to shake some sense into me and remind me how short sighted and idiotic my current thinking is.

Dee74

I wasn't either...and I resisted it for as long as I could...but I've grown to like my life now...I stuck with it through the uncomfortableness and the fear because I knew anything was better than the way I used to live....

stick with it NC...I think you will too

Freedom1990

We can find all sorts of ways to set ourselves up.

Is it too late to regift/discard?

bellakeller

NC, alcohol now only works against you. It causes you pain and it causes nothing but trouble. It brought you closer to death than you might realize. You're probably not even sure it provides the sort of relief you are after anymore.

Two bits that saved me early on:
1. If I have to rationalize anything, then I know I am in trouble.
2. Don't believe everything you think.

Don't drink, sweetie.

Hang in there.

MycoolFitz

How about you shaking some sense into you and reminding yourself how short sighted and idiotic (not my words) your current thinking is--then deep six the scotch and seek some support. Just a thought.

Eddiebuckle

Though I have not relapsed, I've heard the stories from enough friends to say you're on awefully thin ice. If you value your sobriety, get rid of the stash. If you think you have something to prove, hang on 'cause it's going to get rough quick.

One could make the case that russian roulette is 5/6 safe because there's only one bullet. Seems to me that's about where you are...

lushly

Sobriety loses its priority: and you are on a slippery slope my friend. Just keep dinkin around with alcohol. It has caused you some trouble, but hell it can always cause you more, never less. You decide wether you are up for the ensuing chaos,which a relapse will undoubtly cause. You don't have the power in this. Alcohol will destroy your way of life and then without a second chance it just might take it. Are you a gambling man?

NobleCause

Just wanting to clarify a few points...

1. I am aware of the implications of relapse, and I am aware of the consequences, both immediate and potential.
2. For a number of reasons, I've lately been tempted to drink, with full acceptance of those implications and consequences. If I do drink, I don't expect I'll be spared any of the misery I've already encountered, or that I wouldn't encounter new flavors of suffering.
3. There is something inside of me, a burning need in my core, that wants 10 drinks and simply doesn't care.

At the same time...

1. I am aware that the life I have today, tho fractured in places, is only possible because of my sobriety.
2. I do not miss the misery, and likely would not tolerate it for long.
3. There is something inside of me, a faint hope, that believes in optimism, sobriety as a path, and the significance of a realized potential.

It is a bizarre experience to find oneself at a precipice, choosing between flinging yourself off of a cliff or not. I'm not there literally now (I once was), but to drink or not to drink is somewhat of an identical choice for me at this point. I've had a tough time lately dealing with things that we all have to deal with in life - death, sickness, stress, deadlines, conflict, relationships, etc., and I am struggling a bit as I've never known any way other than turning into the bottle when I find myself truly overwhelmed. I'm just sick of the fever pitch, sick of being angry and sad and competitive, and I want just to turn it all down a couple of notches. C'est la vie. I'll get over it.

@bellakeller - you were right on the money. Thanks.

BackToSquareOne

For what it's worth NC, I tried an experiment several years ago, I restocked my home bar. At the time I was about 6 months "sober on a daily basis", I was working out, was in fairly good shape and every once in a while I would sit there, look at the bottles and proclaim victory because I didn't need to use it. It made me feel strong, a test of sorts.

That worked great until one day when it didn't. That experiment ended in another bender of epic proportions. What I think is that we develop a "center", when we're centered we're in control, we know our limitations, we're the wise old man on the mountain. This thing we call life though is always trying to knock us off center, that's its job. Life is change and change is constant. Life sees to it that our thoughts, feelings and emotions are always in a state of flux, always changing.

The ability to remain at peace and happy in life has more to do with our ability to "recenter" and adapt to the ebb and flow of constant change. Think about how it feels to be "centered" then work on ways to quickly return to that state.

David 1

I like your avatar NobleCause; if I could be so bold to rename it to say "Keep calm, talk it out and carry on."

When I am in your place I come here to run my feelings past people that can relate, it makes me feel better than I move on.

Dave

NobleCause

This was my thinking in posting tonite. Perhaps someday I'll be capable of fixing it all in my head without needing to appeal to outside support... Til then you guys are stuck with me.

I still have the itch to drink, but I am still sober. For right now, I call that success. Tomorrow I will figure out the scotch stash.

abc

I can totally relate. I am fully aware of the consequences of drinking. I still wanna drink. Sometimes I think it would be worth it. And my life is fairly low stress right now! So it's not stress it's just that I wanna drink. Luckily I have resisted every craving so far. I'm on Day 18.

instant

Even though you have more on your plate with family it sounds like you are ready to examine your priorities and make some career/ lifestyle changes?

I am only 64 days but I have been thinking about what else needs to change to make me "centred" (love the concept)

AcceptingChange

Why does it seem overly rigid?
If you've never had a drink, then it might seem overly rigid.
But you have. And you know that you're one of the tens of millions that alcoholic has the affect of creating daily cravings that lead to stronger and stronger obsessions. Alcohol cravings are never satisfied, they always recur for tens of millions of us.

So you've done the experiment, you've drank for years, and now you know that you cannot control it effectively. This is the case for me too.
I compare this to other people in my family, who drink once, twice, three times a year, and only one or two.
I could never do that.

Eddiebuckle

That's the only measure of success any one of us can claim. Keep it up NC, you're doing fine - it's when we refuse to acknowledge those feelings that we are in the greatest peril... denial.

recoverywfaith

I sure hope you throw it out and cherish your sobriety and life. It can only make matters worse if you choose to drink.

PaperDolls

I was at this point 8 months in sobriety. I found myself drunk. It was worse than it ever was.

I believe you're on a slippery slope but you did something I didn't. You were honest about it, you shared your true feelings. Getting it out sometimes brings us back to reality. Stay there. In reality. Get rid of the stash and don't drink.

NobleCause

Cleaned off the shelf this afternoon, instead of ditching the stash, I brought it home. I knew what I was doing while I was doing it, I knew that tucking each bottle into my bag was as good as guaranteeing they'd be drunk. On the way home, clinking luggage in tow, I teased myself thinking about what the first one would taste like, and by the time I neared my house I'd already blocked out excuses to keep me out of circulation for the coming days. I was worked up and locked in and couldn't wait. And then I got home, unpacked, pulled down the highball glasses, stared at the line of bottles, and nearly burst into tears (I am not a weeper). The insanity of it all hit me. I'm willing to risk lengthy incarceration, my health, my career, the still fragile trust of friends and family, and what stability I've scraped together in the past few months, in exchange for the privilege of a blackout courtesy of free booze gifted by people who simply want more things from me. And tho I truly feel that nothing else in my life matters during those crippling moments of drink lust, the truth is that I've got just enough going for me after 85 days sober to make it hard to forgive throwing it all away. Called a friend to let them know they'd won a case of assorted fine single malts and it will all be out of my house shortly.

So that's that, a close call, but a peaceful ending to a tense standoff, and I'm not taking my sobriety for granted tonite. Just tiptoeing back to a place of acceptance and respecting the fact that staying the course will sometimes be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

BackToSquareOne

Sounds like you were locked and loaded, looked through the scope and saw that you were the one in the crosshairs. Good to hear you ejected the cartridge instead of shooting yourself.

SomethingBetter

I remember clearly the night of December 25, 2006, id been at a Christmas party, no drinking at all, in fact it was a family event. my sister gave us a fruit basket and in it was a single bottle of wine.

I had been quit drinking for 86 days, but it was free wine, what would 1 glass of wine hurt?

I drank the whole bottle and then the next night it was my regular beer, this went on for 5 years ending in a 30 beer night followed by 18 more the next day, and it all re-started with one glass of wine.

You made a very good decision, your post worried me, im glad you didnt drink...