A not insignificant victory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
A not insignificant victory
Hi all,
So yesterday I went to a music festival for the first time sober. To any normal observer I would have appeared to have been a guy enjoying good music, in good weather with... a cup of coffee in his hand. Pretty unremarkable.
But only a fellow recovering alcoholic would have appreciated the battle that was taking place in me. A battle I won, happily, though the war still wages on - and probably will for a long time. But it was a valuable experience.
I knew what to expect, but the reality of standing in a field surrounded by about 4000 people happily quaffing cider and lager almost brought me to my knees. The 'euphoric recall' of woozy, boozy festivals of previous years hit me like a tidal wave, and all my old instincts were screaming at me that drinking was the only rational course of action on a day like this.
Rationalising. For what seemed like the longest time, my alcoholic mind ran rampant with justifications for having a drink like all the rest of the festival-goers. And they all sounded, to my mind at that moment, pretty reasonable. But my walls held firm. As ever, with cravings, I found that by looking past that first drink and seeing where it will lead me, I could maintain my defences, hold on and move through the cravings to a place of -relatively- calm acceptance.
Acceptance. Whether you're in AA or not (and I'm not, currently) our first defence is accepting the truth of our condition, the reality of that first drink and the consequences.
And so I held on, firm in the knowledge that no matter how innocent or pleasant that first cold beer at a festival after 9 months sober might have been, the cost would have been too damn high. As the cravings passed I simply became a guy enjoying good music, in good weather with... a cup of coffee in his hand. Pretty remarkable, I think.
Peace
So yesterday I went to a music festival for the first time sober. To any normal observer I would have appeared to have been a guy enjoying good music, in good weather with... a cup of coffee in his hand. Pretty unremarkable.
But only a fellow recovering alcoholic would have appreciated the battle that was taking place in me. A battle I won, happily, though the war still wages on - and probably will for a long time. But it was a valuable experience.
I knew what to expect, but the reality of standing in a field surrounded by about 4000 people happily quaffing cider and lager almost brought me to my knees. The 'euphoric recall' of woozy, boozy festivals of previous years hit me like a tidal wave, and all my old instincts were screaming at me that drinking was the only rational course of action on a day like this.
Rationalising. For what seemed like the longest time, my alcoholic mind ran rampant with justifications for having a drink like all the rest of the festival-goers. And they all sounded, to my mind at that moment, pretty reasonable. But my walls held firm. As ever, with cravings, I found that by looking past that first drink and seeing where it will lead me, I could maintain my defences, hold on and move through the cravings to a place of -relatively- calm acceptance.
Acceptance. Whether you're in AA or not (and I'm not, currently) our first defence is accepting the truth of our condition, the reality of that first drink and the consequences.
And so I held on, firm in the knowledge that no matter how innocent or pleasant that first cold beer at a festival after 9 months sober might have been, the cost would have been too damn high. As the cravings passed I simply became a guy enjoying good music, in good weather with... a cup of coffee in his hand. Pretty remarkable, I think.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 335
What a great post...I too am a festival goer and love going to gigs and clubs with my friends. I'm almost 90 days sober and when like you I am standing in the middle of the dancefloor with my coke in hand and it feels right that a beer would go down well and would give me temporary relief but as you said not worth it as it would start the inevitable relapse back to misery.
It takes great strength of mind and character to do this well done.
It takes great strength of mind and character to do this well done.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
Posts: 63
Congrats on your getting back into life and enjoying the things that you love. An important piece in my recovery is just that, enjoying life. As our book says the more I drank the less people tolerated me and the more I withdrew from society and life itself. The more I drank the more I withdrew from life and in an environment that you described it sure did not look like those folks were running away from the show, maybe I was mistaken about drink, I mean look at all these people drinking with impunity and enhancing their experience. And thoughts like these run through my head at times too. Praise God that they are readily supplanted with the new idea that I am not ,nor am I presently like other people, that idea has to be smashed. I can never safely use alcohol, if a drink looks like a good idea and safe idea then I am already drunk. I enjoy the way you played the tape through and accepted the fact that you are not like other folks when alcohol is invovled. Thanks for the encouragement!
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