I need to get this off of my chest...
 

i haven't been posting much. i haven't felt like it. there have been alot of changes in my life that i have had a hard time talking about.

i guess today i'm ready to talk about it.

since feb, my mom has been in and out of the hospital with an intestine disease that killed my grandmother and aunt. it's partially hereditary- is my understanding. all 3 ignored the symptoms until it was too late. they might have just caught my mom's in time.

so since then, i've been watching my father slowly loose his wife. my mom was a large woman, and now she barely weighs 100 pounds. she can't lift her head off the pillow some days.

growing up, she was horrible to me. abusive to the bone...i really hated her for a long time. my dad for alot of years wasn't much better, but we mended fences after i got sober.

my mother's condition got so bad last week that i flew in my brother from LA to be here because we didn't know if she was gonna make it through the weekend. she did.

i can tell you with no hesitation that all of the bulls#it hatred i had towards them or specifically her, is gone. it's been terribly hard to watch my mom suffer the way i have.

i don't feel bad for myself-quite the contrary. i feel bad for my dad who is going to loose his wife of 43 years if things do not improve.

i've been driving him to the icu unit in the hospital every other day and that's hard too. i loathe hospitals because it brings back ptsd i had when i lost someone very dear to me when i was 17...so this has made me kinda sad lately.

i'm not gonna drink....i have no desire to....but i'm sad, and that's new to me in my sobriety because i'm usually a pretty happy go lucky type of person.

i just know that if i'm not there for my dad, he won't make it through this. he thanked me yesterday for all of the support i've given him and i can see he appreciates it . i can see that my mom does too.

i really hope they can get her condition under control. ...i'd like to have another chance at a relationship with her.

sadly, i just don't know if it's in the cards at all, and that also makes it hard.

riight now, i'd just like my mom to impove. say some prayers, folks...please.

peace. :c020:

Prayers to you and your mom and dad...

Prayers to everyone involved Bulldog. Anger is not that uncommon in these situations, I think it's born out of the helplessness we have over the outcome. Stay close to your dad, you'll always have the consolation of knowing that you did all you could.

I realized the other day that you haven't been posting very much, I could tell something wasn't right with you. I hope everything works out for your mom. I hear all the times in the rooms how people tell stories about being there for a loved one in a time of need and how this would not be possible without sobriety. Well, you my friend are living it. Instead of taking the selfish route and drinking to drown your sorrows, you have become a source of support.

I hope that if I am ever in your position, that I have the strength to carry on and be a rock of support.

PM me if you need me, I am here for you

Sorry for your troubles, BD. I wish you peace.

Prayers coming your way for everyone dealing with this illness and situation...:yup:

When I was dealing with the deaths of my parents and only sibling I found much comfort with Psalms 23.
Yes I remember it's part of your recovery history...and your sig line but it can also be used for comfort and serenity.

It's okay to be sad, Bulldog. It's a sad situation you are in. To not feel sad would be a concern.

I hope you get the reconcilation you desire with your mom.

Stay strong.

BD you compassion and your huge heart shine right through. Many would be bitter and resentful after the treatment metred out to you but your parents, but you will be blessed on this earth and beyond for the care and support you are giving. Try to be kind to yourself and although you will be the last person to realise it, I think you are one very special human being.

So good to hear you are sober through all this too, wow what an achievement. :c011:

All my prayers.

Hugs and prayers, BD,

Glad you reached out. Last night the speaker at my meeting said he always wanted people to love him, or to hug him, but somehow, if he had to ask for it, it didn't "count."

It's always worth asking for love and support when you need it.

Bull .... I am sorry you're going through such a difficult time. What I learned in sobriety is to show up, which is what you're doing. And I also learned that helping others makes me as happy as anything else. Whatever happened these are your parents. It's difficult to see that they're just fragile human beings.

Prayers going out from my household!

Sorry your going through this.

Prayers to you and yours J - hope your mom makes a complete recovery.

D

My thoughts are with you and your family... I lost my mom over a year ago. I'd like to have had the chance to develop a healthy relationship with her... we tried but she was an alcoholic/addict and I was working on becoming an alcoholic... so it never happened.

My heart goes out to you... it's so hard visiting your mom in the IC unit, I know. I would get so sick I'd nearly vomit some days... and I was drinking at the time.

You're incredibly strong facing this kind of thing sober... Hang in there.

(((BD))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. You know, my dad was was extremely verbally abusive to me growing up. I was his primary caregiver during the last 5 years of his life and he continued to put me down and belittle me...but I was all he had so I dealt with it. When the end was near all of my resentments toward him just went away and all I wanted to do was just hold on to him for as long as I could. I got sober a month after he passed.

Praying for you and your mom and dad...... I can only imagine how difficult this is for all of you right now. My heart goes out to you.:hug:

BD - A special prayer for you on this Sunday morning.

thank you all for such heart warming posts.

whatever prayers were sent seem to be working because she looked 100 times better this morning than she has in the past few days.

her blood pressure is stable...(at one point it got as low as 63/44) she has alot of color back and is starting to eat again. the doctors are trying some new meds and they're very hopeful that this could be the beginning of some sort of recovery.

my dad was beaming when we walked out of there. it really made me feel better.



on to another subject for a minute.....


my dad also brought something up to me this morning before we went to the icu. he said "if your mom goes, i won't have any reason to stay alive anymore."

he asked us to move in with him if my mom dies so he would have another reason to continue to go on.
i was pretty taken back, but my wife told me that she'd do it for him as they have always had a good relationship and when i asked my 5 year old daughter, all she did was yell, "YAYYYY"!!...so i guess i have her blessing too.

it kinda makes sence. they have a big old house with plenty of room and a big yard. i think it would work out fine, and i think it'll be the plan once my mom goes.

i hope it's not one we have to think about for a LONG time though.

anyway, i feel better that my mom is doing better and i'm glad that my dad feels like he's got a future either way.

hopefully, this is the road back to recovery for my mom.

keep saying those prayers.

with much love and gratitude,
BDog

I'm really glad to hear that your mom is doing better. I'll pray that she continues to mend.

Prayers for you and your family. I know a little about these things, remember to take care of yourself:)

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you are handling the situation admirably though.

Continuing healing thoughts for your mom, and your entire family.

BD,

My prayers go out to you and your family.

I was in a similar situation with my mother a decade ago, unfortunately I was still drinking. This probably has occurred to you, but you are there for your parents in a way that you simply couldn't while you were still drinking. It doesn't change the situation from your perspective, but I guarantee that it does from theirs, particularly your mother. That much is in your control, and you are doing what is possible. The rest, you have to trust that it will turn out as it is intended.

During this difficult time for you and your family, do not forget to take care of yourselves. Rest and eat as well as possible - illnesses like this take their toll on everyone involved.

Edd.

*********UPDATE**********

Those prayers are working because my mom has now been moved from ICU to a regular room this morning and she's gaining strength. This hospital is BY FAR the best in the area to treat her condition.

Thank God.
I can't begin to put into words the gratitude I feel towards those of you who gave me support.
much love,
BDog

So happy for you!!! I know the relief you must be starting to feel... :) You're probably exhausted at this point... Hang in there.

i was only exhausted when we weren't seeing any progress or she was getting worse. now that we're seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, i'm energized to keep helping any way i can.

i'm really grateful that i got this oppoirtunity at a second chance for a relationship with them. it really makes me feel good to see my dad feel like he can depend on me.

sobriety is such a gift :grouphug:

What you just said really moved me..... Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I took my parents for granted most of my life and now that they're in their 80's, I know I don't have that much longer with them. And you're so right - without sobriety, it's hard to be there for anyone.

I'm SO glad you're mom is doing better!!:a122::a122::a122:

***UPDATE***

my mom was discharged from the hospital yesterday. she put on a good bit of weight, her vitals are stable and it looks like they have a good hold on her condition.

I'm soooo incredibly grateful that she made it through. i think the family rallying around her and all of the prayers she got made all of the difference.

i was there everyday and made sure the doctors addressed all of her concerns and made sure that her voice was heard which was something she felt like wasn't done before at her other hospital stays.

anyway...i know my family is proud of me. i mean really proud of me. i don't think any of them thought i had it in me, but i think i shocked them all and i know i did because they told me so.

i feel like for the first time in my life i wasn't a parasite to my parents and brother. i actually made a difference. what a gift this place has become to me.

thanks to you all, for the support and love.
-Jeff

Awesome! So happy for you and your family!