half drunk & crying
 

Lost my wife a month ago. Drank the whole month after 15 yrs sober. Poured it all out, been to 3 meetings. Said F-it about 8 tonight and bought a pint. I'm seeing the doc in the morn to hopefully get something? to calm me down. The grief and loneliness is just to much for me. Needless to say since her death I've had a little trouble with this higher power thing (she was only 56). Believe me I cry just as much when I'm sober. Sorry guy's, it's a little after 11pm where I'm at, so no one to call. Your it!! I'm not looking for answers or sympathy for my drinking. Just had to vent somewhere. I can't work anymore because of a bad heart (I know the booze ain't helpin that any). The point is I just rattle around a big old house all day and think of her.

Thoughts, prayers, and jiggy vibes appreciated,

Ron

Ron, so sorry for your loss...and your loneliness! Vent away. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Hope tomorrow is better

Hi, Ron. You came to the right place, friend.

I'm not sure that kind of sadness ever goes away, but I do know some measure of happiness can return again. It just takes time. Hang on as best you can.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost my husband. It has been about eight months now. I can totally relate to your pain. Drinking has been the only way I could cope. I am trying to stop and learn news ways to cope but it is rough. Anyways not much advice I can give. Just know that someone does understand.

Sorry for your loss Ron. That pain is horrible. Glad you are going to see the Dr. I hope you have a support system.

Thank you all. Sark, your just what I was hoping for. The loss of a spouse is one of the toughest things to deal with. Please, lets stay in touch. Maybe we can help each other. I'm also sorry to hear of anyone else going through this. The pain simply can't be described. All the AA platitudes and the higher power concepts seem to just go out the window. I don't think there is a sobriety group anywhere that can prepare us for this.

My sincere condolences,

Ron

PS. Are as sick as I am of hearing "If there's anything I can do"

Ron....:hug:
I think it's a good sign you only bought a little and are seeing your doctor
Have you checked out any greif counnnselors or groups in your area?

My prayers continue for your well being ..:yup:

sark....:hug:

Prayers for your peace going out..:yup:

I hope you stay at home now, fix something to eat, start drinking some water, hit the showers, get dressed for bed.

Let this day end...pray if you will...forgive yourself, find something on TV to fall asleep to. Do know your loved, care fore, being considered my me for you wellness.

Grief is everlasting. Only its impact wains as acceptance begins to fill the void of great loss. Then the void becomes a emergence of love, love unlike any love before, fulfillment love that knows a loss but recognizes its beginning while sheltering its past with the prospect of developing more love. Until there is only love with memory, with a new faith, with a new beginning to give love that was given all along, to share.

When I was eighteen I lost my father, I also used drugs/alcohol to cope, in fact the night he passed I went on a binge blowing all of my money for bills and extra money I could have been using to help out with his funeral costs.

Thankfully I had a loving group of people that I worked with who noticed the changes in me and helped me help myself. Although I didn't quit drinking after this it helped me understand the stages of grief and I cut down on my drinking because I was not doing it solely to cope with my loss. Believe me I was pissed at first they pulled me into this room and gave me a pamphlet if I remember correctly I think I may have even thrown it back at them insisting there was nothing wrong with me, knowing deep down I was in a lot of pain.

I would suggest going to places you might have gone together and talk to her or write her (this is something I use to do often whenever I felt the need to talk to my dad, it helped me very much). It will get better I promise.

A few years ago I lost a son, suddenly and swiftly. In the days and weeks afterward, I drank with a vengeance, yet barely even managed to escape - the grief was permeating and it defined everything in my life. I was unbelievably angry, filled with a sadness so heavy that it left me speechless, and generally of the feeling that nothing in the world would ever be right again. It was a dizzying, helpless place, and I drank thru months of feeling this way. In my mind, this was just the way I needed to cope and to process, but in reality, this strategy resulted in me causing an entirely new and needless tragedy and wound me up in jail.

The heartbreak and futility of intense grief are wickedly difficult feelings to experience, but they do shift and change with time. This will get easier to navigate. Allow yourself to feel some of the painful stuff without the blinders on when you feel ready - acknowledging and honoring the pain that I was in was one of the most helpful steps in moving forward for me.

Take care of yourself - I wish you peace and hope you are able to find solace soon.

About 6 1/2 years ago, the man who is now my husband lost his wife of 25 years to breast cancer at the age of 56. She was also an alcoholic--not in recovery. As he explains it to me, his grief was two-fold. He could not protect her from cancer, he could not protect her from her own self-destructive behavior.

What helped him was to lean heavily on his higher power.....the only one who could completely understand, accept, absorb, all the anguish and anger he was feeling.

I hope and pray for peace for you and all who have lost a loved one so dear.

Ronf,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband twenty years ago. it was a terrible time for me. Please see about getting bereavement counseling. Tomorrow morning, call your local hospital and ask for social services. They should be able to give you some referrals.
Grief counseling is specific, I think, and needs someone trained in it.

From my experience, drinking made my grief much worse and more complicated. Sometimes we just need to cry. I cried so much I had rashes under both eyes.

You will be able to heal. If someone asks if there's anything they can do, it's because they want to help. Let them. See if they can meet you for lunch or help you fix some easy dinners. Maybe you need some help to sort out the closets? My friend came and helped me when I was ready.

Sending my best thoughts your way.

Love,

Lenina

Ron, you have been in my thoughts the last month since you shared your sad news. I have thought about you every time I logged on to SR, hoping to see an update from you. Glad you are back, albeit under more stressful circumstances for you. Hugs.

I remember when I first joined SR. You were here and took time to offer me wise words, encouragement and judgement free support. Now it's my turn, and I feel honored to be able to do so.

I also drank because I couldn't cope with losing someone - my sister. Three years ago, my lively, sparkling, beautiful younger sister passed away aged 34 from a brain tumor. It was quick and brutal (less than 6 months), and robbed her of everything she had. I was so damn angry about it, full of guilt, resentments, trauma and horror about what I saw, I didn't know what to do with myself. Enter the booze, big time...it numbed me, and enabled me to cut off from everyone and everything. I could only *really* cry about her death when I was drunk, and then I would be a snot nosed dripping howling mess that couldn't make sense of it all, neither to myself or anyone else. I did cry when I was sober, but it was almost too real and painful, so I shut down. Now I realize the grieving I did when drinking wasn't healing in any way, shape or form. The sober tears were the ones that healed me. Too bad I didn't have many of those - because now I'm sober, I know I am basically back at Day 1 in terms of dealing with my feelings about losing her.

Please don't do what I did. I wasted three years of stunting myself emotionally instead of doing what should come naturally, painful though it is. I know you can do this, Ron, and I am so very glad you are back here and seeing the Doc in the morning. You aren't alone.

Peace and blessings to you.

Great post new wings; so true.

My experience has been when losing a loved one while drinking, I got into the "broken record" mode and couldn't get my self out of it. I lost both my mother and father while I was drinking; after that, I spiraled completely out of control. The drinking kept fueling me to stay stuck. The kicker was, when I got sober, I had to grieve those losses all over again; and it sucked. I had to do this with a therapist who also was working with me while I worked on sobriety, and many, many years later.

Ron - the real kicker to me was when I lost my younger brother, who was diagnosed at the age of 18 with cirrhosis of the liver. At 34, he succumbed to liver cancer. When he died, he had seven years of solid sobriety, and it was REALLY HARD for me to be grateful for ANYTHING at the time. The irony of working so hard for sobriety and then be cheated out of time to live his new life was not lost on me. And you are right, it's really hard to see anything that AA could teach you to prepare for that. My "little" brother was the first to seek help for his alcoholism and he prepped the path that helped me find sobriety. He was my little brother in age, but my big brother when it came to helping me see the light. I was about four years sober at the time when he passed.

I think the only thing that kept me sober at the time was the thought that my brother Patrick would absolutely disown me if I picked up that drink. Irrational, I know, but it kept me sober. He wouldn't have wanted me to head down that path again.

I am saying prayers for you and sending you "jiggy vibes".......

I'm very sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Any advice I can think of to offer just doesn't seem sufficient. All I can say is I hope you start feeling better soon.

Very, very sad news Ron. Breaks my heart. You will remain in my prayers, as will your wife. Having lost most of my immediate family over the years I still know deep down that losing my wife would pretty much dwarf any problem I've ever had to face. And I say that knowing full well that my relationship with her is very estranged at the moment.

I won't say anything superficial, but please believe that you shouldn't beat yourself silly after relapsing, considering the enormity of your struggle. You still have those 15 years mate, they're not gone from this trying time. When you can, and only when you are ready, start remembering your wife and how she would want you to live life with her not there. That bottle is likely the last thing she would want for you. Right now do whatever you feel needs to be done in order to grieve - while keeping in mind the bottle will only exacerbate the pain and delay the grieving you are meant to face.

You have me at your disposal at any time, day or night. PM me for anything.

Sending you big hugs from the other side of the world here. I too lost my husband when he was 32 due to mental illness (although he was drunk when he decided to shoot himself, the drinking made his paranoia so much worse, so I do blame the alcohol for that too). Before that I lost my mom to leukemia, and after that I lost my brother to a drug overdose which I believe was actually a suicide that the family doesn't want to admit.

Time does not heal these wounds, but it does smooth them over a bit. And I'm realizing now for myself that drinking just makes it all worse, I'm an expert at just ignoring my feelings and the booze definitely aided in that. I'm scared what feelings I'm going to experience once I'm sober for a good long time because I've pushed them away for so, so long.

I hope you can find some peace without the bottle, because it's so much worse when you wake up the next day! I wish I had advice, but I don't. I'm no expert. But seeing all these other people who deal with the same grief is some comfort for me, I hope that it is for you too.

I'm sorry Ron.
I don't know why bad things happen - especially to good people.

But I do know that noone who loves you would want you to suffer like this.
Please get some help, my friend.

D

It's now almost 4:30 am here, I've been wide awake since 3. I'm just thankful for my little dog "Pudgy" (and yes he is) ;) Hydrogirl, you really struck a chord. My wife died of pancreatic cancer, but what took her so fast was cirrhosis of the liver. I am sooo embarrassed to state that. All the people I've helped and sponsored over the years....she was the ONE I couldn't help! It just puts a second dagger in my heart. newwings, thank you! I can't thank and acknowledge everyone who has responded here personally.

Thank you ALL, You DO make a difference

Ron