Scrubmuncher

So I lost the new job as I was unable to speak to clients, I can't look people in the eye or speak with confidence sober these days and so my new job was a disaster. Now I have found myself relocated into a lifestyle I can't affod, unemployed with contracts out my ears and no real sign of opportunity.
But this time I actually feel insane, I am struggling to know what is real and what I have made up in my mind, this is every day now I spend the day trying to figure out what is reality, paranoid and pondering when something bad will happen. Now this is my thought process whether I am drunk or haven't touched a drop. Also I have began drinking whiskey and rum pretty much whenever I drink, bottles of the stuff and can't even remember what I've done at all the next day, wet myself on occasion and generally making a bad reputation for myself in this new village where I could have made a new start, ruined that already so..........

But my insanity is powerful, very seriously unsure of who I am and what I'm doing, just existing with my heart pounding every second of the day.
God I am exhausted by life and just wish I was someone else.

Boleo

Sounds like you are getting desperate. Believe it or not, desperation is a gift
for a seemingly hopeless alcoholic.

AA works best for those who are are desperate.

Zencat

It took me a wile to sort things out, but I had to sober up for a few weeks and discover what I need to change in my life.

AA is available in just about everywhere. Might the thing you need now. Other healthy ways to recover from alcoholism can be a good as you make it, at least as I have experienced it. Keep posting, reading, being here at SR. Its as good as any place to start ones recovery journey.

Terminally Unique

The alcohol will start to literally warp your mind after a certain point, particularly if you are drinking "bottles" of hard liquor. The paranoia and anxiety will increase and, yes, you will feel like you are going insane. You need to quit, but at those levels, you may be in for a rough ride.

Are you able to go a few days without, or are you drinking daily? If not, you may need detox, but even something cheap like the county/city detox would work to get you to the point where your head clears a bit. Can you check in the phone book for one of those? If not, you can call the AA number and they will tell you where you can go.

BullDog777

this sounds alot like i did when i was nearing the end. i was paranoid, scared, and terribly addicted. maybe it's time to put the bottle down....it was the best thing i ever did.

24hrsAday

sounds a bit like me too.. especially the drinking whole bottles part. it was hell and i got the gift of desperation..

SSIL75

might be now or never, scrub.

What's the plan?

DayTrader

Sounds like an awesome start on step 1 my man...... booze is kicking my a$$ and there's nothing I can do to stop it / I think I feel as bad or maybe even worse when I'm not drinking.

From what I've seen....it can ......and will get worse - unless you start doing something different / unless you're willing to try to change. (and don't read into that...... you don't have to figure out how to change yourself...... but you do have to be willing to be changed - if that makes any sense).

I was lucky. I was given the willingness to lay down my sword, surrender to my condition, and start trying to walk down this path of sobriety that I didn't know much (if ANYthing) about. My father, on the other hand, wasn't able to make that decision (or WAS able but chose to keep on fighting). Now, he's alone all day, passes time by trying to muster up the balls to blow his head off, has alienated EVERY person in his life, has medical conditions a mile long, hates every second of every day..............and just won't seem to die. He's 71 and has lived this way, every day, for at least the past 5 YEARS.

Trust me, getting sober can be scary, boring, even laborious at time....... but if you're a real-deal alcoholic, your alternatives are sooooooo much worse that what you're dealing with now will, one day, seem like a walk in the park.