pinkfirefly

How do you do it. How do you sit there and go to all the meetings? How do you tell your family and friends that you have a problem and need to go. I want people to look at me as a good wife and mother, and i feel so ashamed. is that normal to feel this way. i just hate that everything has come to this. my fault i know. i'm trying so hard. i guess what i'm asking here is, how do you deal with the shame and pain of every thing? of othe people seeing and recognizing that you have a problem?

TigerLili

I was at the point where I was so desperate, what other people would think of me wasn't really an issue.

There's no need to tell your family and friends if you don't want to. My family don't know I'm in recovery because the DRAMA that would ensue just isn't worth it. A couple of very close friends know I go to AA and that's it.

So I guess the only people who are seeing that I have a problem are my close friends who love me and don't judge me, and the people in the rooms of AA who are in exactly the same place.

tjp613

I can tell you that as a "normie" I consider anyone seeking recovery from addiction or alcoholism as being extremely courageous.

RyanRed

When I stopped drinking 2 months back this is how I slowly informed people.

First came the people I drank with.. They would ask me to go drinking everynight, and I just said naaaa not tonight.. Im going to slow down on that stuff.. (overtime it became quite apparent I was quitting to them)

Next came the people close to me in my home. "I noticed you havent been drinking like usual Ryan." I say, yeah, just havent been in the mood really.

(Notice how I didnt ever give a "Im qutting" response. The reason for that was because even though I knew that was my mission, I didnt want to disapoint if I failed. And as for the drinking friends, well I just didnt want them to know incase I changed my mind.

Then it came time when I let both of those two groups know after about 3 weeks. That I was fully committed to ridding myself of this problem. But still...there were a lot of people who had no clue I was THAT bad of a drinker. These were the people whom I really respected. The people I looked up too, and admired. These people I hid the fact I drank daily too. BUT! As I started to change, I knew I couldn't keep my alcoholic life a secret too them. They would have found out sometime, but whom better to find out from than from the horses mouth. So I slowly let this 3rd group of people know whats been going on in my life. I'm actually still in this process. And you know what? I've never once got a OMG your an alcoholic, I cant believe this! You disgust me! How could you be so irresponsible! Nope..NEVER ONCE got that type of response. Instead, I got "Whow, I had no clue. But Im very happy for you, and admire your courage to take action on this." And guess what? Some of those people are actually some of my biggest supporters now.

The way I look at it, you are who you are. If the people in your life dont love you for who you are, then they just dont need to be in your life, or at least emotionally. People who truly love you wont judge you. Instead, they will embrace every aspect of you in the good times, and especially the hard time. You will find out there is so much support in the people who you are ashamed to tell.

Stay strong my friend!

-Ryan

Fandy

You don't have to shout from the rooftops that you are an alcoholic. You just have to do one simple thing, every hour, every day...NOT DRINK.

there is NO shame in seeking support for a problem...(that's why we are all here)...you get up every morning, affirm your goals and be the best you can, one hour at a time if need be....you go to get support to help you...(if that is what you need).

When one plan doesn't work, you find one that does...maybe you should try thinking of your alcoholism as a disease, if you had cancer, you would seek treatment....and continue with daily chemo wouldn't you?

you can spin it anyway you want, but the end result is that you want to stop drinking and you will....get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. You don't need any drama or declarations...."Actions speak louder than words"....but YOU need to take action...don't worry about anyone except your ACTIONS.

Zebra1275

Time has a marvelous way of curing this. The longer you stay sober the less shame you feel. And as time goes by, memories fade, both yours and the people in your life. The memories of drunken times fade and are replaced by more recent memories of sober times.

One of the reasons I go to AA is to hear other people share so I am reminded of how hellish my life would be if I drank again.

Terminally Unique

Well said.

SSIL75

I didn't tell anybody until I felt a little more stable. Honestly though now that I'm sober I think it was really obvious I was a mess. It's kind of sad to remember how I felt like I was keeping it all together. That was more alcoholic thinking. "It's fine! Everything is fine! You're a good wife & mother!". oy. It just wasn't true. It's what my alcoholic brain told me to keep me drinking. If I was doing so fabulously, no need to quit, right?

It just wasn't true. As an active alcoholic, all I did 'well' was drink.

least

I didnt' tell anyone other than my immediate family and a couple close friends. As to dealing/coping with the shame, I let my actions speak for me. Every day I stayed sober I was one day further away from the shame of my past. Also, hard as it was to do, I had to forgive myself. I tend to be my own worst enemy so forgiving myself was very hard. But now the shame of my past is just a memory that helps to keep me sober so that I don't revisit that hell.

I agree with Fandy: you don't have to 'tell' anyone, let your actions speak for you. It may take some time but the longer you stay sober (you are staying sober, aren't you?) the more people will notice the 'new you'.

Just stay sober one day at a time and the rest will fall into place.

:ghug3

Mark75

I had huge shame.... Pervasive and nearly disabling, at first.

What Fandy said...

You are going to meetings? if they are AA meetings... Then there is an antidote right in front of you ... The 12 steps... Give them all of your attention and effort... you will feel your shame lift with each one... A good fourth and fifth step should clear the shame and the subsequent ones will make you whole once again.

Friends and family cannot help you, not like intensive work in the steps....

bellakeller

Get sober first. You can deal with the shame later. Believe me, it will still be waiting for you when you come to.

Kjell

Hi PF-

Maybe work on showing them, instead of telling them?

"Time" and "action" are so much more important than "thought" and "words".

Kjell~

Mark75

I said that wrong... Friends and family could not help me... your experience may be different...

Also, I am not implying that step work is the only way, just that it worked for me...

LosingmyMisery

I worked a program. The shame, the guilt, the pain overwhelmed me. Actions speak louder than words...

bdiddy5522

I can tell you that once you dealing with the shame and guilt, it is a heck of a lot better than adding to it.

AA teaches us how to do this.

Fandy

one thing that helps me immensely is practicing GRATITUDE...every day and every evening I give thanks that I have made progress...because I appreciate real life so much more when I'm sober.

Try it....there is an entire section devoted to being grateful in this forum. You have a new chance to live every day....others are not so lucky with their lives.

jamdls

My drinking "career" ended with a prescription overdose that put me in the hospital for a week, the shame I felt was immense I couldn't even look at the doctors and nurses as I know what many of them really think about suicidal patients and it isn't good thoughts. The only person I told I was even in the hospital, besides my adult daughter, was my boss and I begged him not to tell anyone else what I had done (the only one he told was his boss and they both kept my "secret). My daughter was too ashamed to even tell her own husband about what I had done he didn't know until a year later. I got out of the hospital after a week and the shame I carried just grew, first the shame of the suicide attempt then as the memories of my drunken years began to surface the shame nearly overwhelmed me; but it also strenghthened me because I knew I did not want to be that person anymore I did not like that drunken piece of sh*t I had been. I prayed a lot and worked on myself a lot and gradually I began to forgive myself and like myself. In time all that shame was completely replaced by pride, I fought the battle and I WON! and although I no longer feel that I'm fighting a battle I continue to be a winner with each passing week/month/year that I grow as the new sober me. The past is just a cold dark cellar that I no longer need nor care to visit. You too can and will get past the shame/guilt it can be a struggle but it is oh so worth the fight.

recycle

Acceptance is one of things I had to deal with about 97.5 times more than I thought I ever would. The first step was knowing the difference between acceptance and approval: I do not have to like the situation I am in, but I do have to accept it.

Blame and responsibility are closely related. It took a while to see the difference: If I step out of a second story window, I am going to fall. There is nothing I can do about that. I can blame myself for falling, or I can accept responsibility for falling without attaching a negative emotion*. The results of hitting the ground are the same. Blaming myself, or worse yet, that stupid gravity only serves to protect my ego by obscuring why I stepped out of the window, and what I am going to do now. It is like I would rather feel like ca-ca about my choices rather than take action. Skipping the pity party frees me in many ways.

*Of course the third option is to deny that I am falling. I did that for many years, and it only works for a while - then wham.

Mavis1

Hi there Pink, it's not a shame to have alcoholism, but when you know you have a problem it is a shame to not do anything about it. I heard that at a meeting. Once I started going all the time, I met new people, people just like me that had the same problem, they were laughing and having a great time, hugging and shaking hands, I couldn't beleive it was an AA meeting. I thought everyone would have their shoulders hunched over and shame written all over their faces...but they didn't.

Please don't be ashamed, it's a disease, you will be everything you want to be in life once you put down the booze......if I can do it, so can you and I know you can. just for today, put down the drink, pick up the phone or get a meeting list and drive to a meeting and put your hand out and say to the first person you see "I am new". people will help, they really will. try to listen to everyone, AA works, it saved my life. good luck to you. mavis

BullDog777

i dealt with the shame by living the right way. actions speak the only words that matter.