I didn't seek sobriety to find meaning in life.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
I didn't seek sobriety to find meaning in life.
When I walked into the rooms of AA, it wasn't to find meaning in life.
It was to stop drinking. I had reasons for wanting to stop. Health was one but the other was to achieve what I thought my life meant and was for.
To die, in combat, in Iraq or Afghanistan preferably after jumping on a grenade and saving the life of my squad. "Die young, live fast".
Why ? Because my life was meangingless up to that point. I felt it so anyway. I was a loser. I failed at everything and there was absolutely no hope for me whatsoever. The idea of being able to die, in combat, gave me the delusional sense of purpose I needed. It wasn't important to me that I had a meaning in life. It was important for me that everyone I knew and loved could - when I was dead say - "See, he wasn't such a bad sort, his life had meaning".
The trick was,, I had to stop drinking to be able to join the Army. The catch 22 was, I couldn't stop and stay stopped long enough to get my **** together. The DUI sealed the deal. No security clearance, no Army.
So I went to AA to find out how they stopped. I did steps, went to meetings - in the back of my mind my "meaning" was still so I could get into the Army. The "deathwish" subsided though, but I still thought that was my "destiny".
When the reality hit that, that wasn't what was in the cards. I found my purpose. "Stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety". That's it.
As long as I'm alive, that's my purpose. Because I do that, I have been able to be - a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an employee, and enjoy things in life at levels I never thought possible. To feel a sense of ease and comfort in life - with all its stresses - that I never (before drinking or during) felt before. To be at inner peace, I've felt it. Man, it's awesome.
What is the meaning of life ? I've been told Love and Service to others. I buy that - today. Prior to my life changing moments experienced in AA and through Steps, I thought it was all about ME. All about ME. The less life seems to be all about ME, the more meaning in life I find. It's crazy, but true.
I stop making statements like "I know", when i don't, really.
I stop thinking it's all about me, when it is - but my sense of me is warped and selfish. I am but a small part of a larger body called humanity.
I stop making demands, except of myself to - take inventory, pray and meditate.
I could go on and on, but I've ranted enough. I hope it's helpful. Despair is a sucky place to be, I've been there before and it sucks.
It's like one sponsor told me - "Let's just pretend you don't know, all you think you know for a second and let's open our mind ....."
Something to that effect. I never regret doing that. Time and time again, I experience something new. Life has taken on new meaning and it's become more exciting to me than ever before.
I have no scientific proof, but it is my experiennce. I've been on the other side before and I like this side better, and I couldn't get here without help.
Anyway, best of luck.
It was to stop drinking. I had reasons for wanting to stop. Health was one but the other was to achieve what I thought my life meant and was for.
To die, in combat, in Iraq or Afghanistan preferably after jumping on a grenade and saving the life of my squad. "Die young, live fast".
Why ? Because my life was meangingless up to that point. I felt it so anyway. I was a loser. I failed at everything and there was absolutely no hope for me whatsoever. The idea of being able to die, in combat, gave me the delusional sense of purpose I needed. It wasn't important to me that I had a meaning in life. It was important for me that everyone I knew and loved could - when I was dead say - "See, he wasn't such a bad sort, his life had meaning".
The trick was,, I had to stop drinking to be able to join the Army. The catch 22 was, I couldn't stop and stay stopped long enough to get my **** together. The DUI sealed the deal. No security clearance, no Army.
So I went to AA to find out how they stopped. I did steps, went to meetings - in the back of my mind my "meaning" was still so I could get into the Army. The "deathwish" subsided though, but I still thought that was my "destiny".
When the reality hit that, that wasn't what was in the cards. I found my purpose. "Stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety". That's it.
As long as I'm alive, that's my purpose. Because I do that, I have been able to be - a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an employee, and enjoy things in life at levels I never thought possible. To feel a sense of ease and comfort in life - with all its stresses - that I never (before drinking or during) felt before. To be at inner peace, I've felt it. Man, it's awesome.
What is the meaning of life ? I've been told Love and Service to others. I buy that - today. Prior to my life changing moments experienced in AA and through Steps, I thought it was all about ME. All about ME. The less life seems to be all about ME, the more meaning in life I find. It's crazy, but true.
I stop making statements like "I know", when i don't, really.
I stop thinking it's all about me, when it is - but my sense of me is warped and selfish. I am but a small part of a larger body called humanity.
I stop making demands, except of myself to - take inventory, pray and meditate.
I could go on and on, but I've ranted enough. I hope it's helpful. Despair is a sucky place to be, I've been there before and it sucks.
It's like one sponsor told me - "Let's just pretend you don't know, all you think you know for a second and let's open our mind ....."
Something to that effect. I never regret doing that. Time and time again, I experience something new. Life has taken on new meaning and it's become more exciting to me than ever before.
I have no scientific proof, but it is my experiennce. I've been on the other side before and I like this side better, and I couldn't get here without help.
Anyway, best of luck.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by TheJungianThing 
...Time and time again, I experience something new. Life has taken on new meaning and it's become more exciting to me than ever before.
I have no scientific proof, but it is my experiennce. I've been on the other side before and I like this side better, and I couldn't get here without help.
I have no scientific proof, but it is my experiennce. I've been on the other side before and I like this side better, and I couldn't get here without help.
But now I see it is true. All I thought I needed was clean pee, people to quit criticizing me for drinking and life would automatically get better. When it didn't, I felt sobriety was not worth having and I went back to drinking.
When I began to experience the many promises of recovery, I felt like I had entered another dimension of existence. Sobriety was just the tip of the ice-burg. Now I ask the question; "What else is this Spiritual Awakening business good for?"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What a wonderful post! Yes, it's helping others stay sober, passing on the message. When I crawled through the doors of AA I was surrounded by people willing to go to great lengths to help me. I'm alive because of them so I pass along everything I can to newcomers.
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