Linz

I have a boyfriend who is addicted to marijuana.
I have parents who are addicted to alcohol.
I have depression that runs in the family... big time.
I have a boss who hates his own life and low and behold, he is my best friend!
I have no reason to continue on in this life,
I feel worthless and helpless.
I have mentioned rehab to my mother and she said,
"not everybody needs rehab Lindsay."
I have ruined lives because of this addiction.
I am on my way to ruining mine because of this addiction.
Because of this addiction and also because of depression, my life is one HUGE elephant in the room of my life, if that makes sense.
I have no friends.
I feel abandoned and alone.
I wrote an email to a friend of mine who just got married a few months ago almost begging for help, I never ask for the slightest thing... I can feel that I'm in trouble. I'm in deep trouble. I am frightened.
I am 25 years and old and I just remembered that.
For the most part I cannot count the days.
For the most part I'm not longer hungry.
I have this odd eating disorder, (i think.)
I only eat when it's convenient for my alcoholism. I need to get drunk as fast as I can so I can forget that my boyfriend (lover) is high and neglecting everything in his life. That is blaming it on someone else. I am just a drunk. I am an *******. I am a bitch. I am horrible. I do bad things.

I am.

I am not sorry.

Above all else of everything that I have written, this shocks me the most. Out of all of the things that I have done in my life, I am not sorry. I do not regret. I do not feel bad for things that I do, have done, or will do. I do not have a conscience.

I would've written all of this in my blog, but I feel as if you all read these threads more than you do those.
And I want replies. Tons of them. I am a selfish motherf*cker.

Are these things that I feel because my boyfriend tells me that I am these things almost twice a week... or are they feelings that are legit?

And now... I just feel completely insane.

Thanks for reading

Dee74

I had a laundry list of things I was too.

Some of them (a minority) were probably true and inherent in me...some of them were true because I was in active addiction, and my standards for everything slipped waaay low...

but most of them were what my addicted mind was telling me...because being a beaten defeated addict with low self esteem makes it easier for the cycle to continue...we don't resist too much...we go with the flow.

If you're hearing some of these things from the people around you, maybe it's time to rethink who you listen to?

Maybe it's time to start building a good solid positive network of sober people Linz?

There is so much - for all of us.
There's never a good or easy time to quit drinking.

But no matter how long yr list is, change is possible.
Just look around here

I believe you can do this too Linz

D

mercurial me

I think we were all born & here in this world for a reason. Please don't be your own worst enemy.

CarolD

Are you seeing a professional about your depression?
I know alcohol kept me depressed and I felt stuck in the dark times

.

recoverywfaith

You are worthy and deserve a life of recovery; please seek the help. Have you tried going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for support as well?

MrDavid

Hi Linz...

You seem to be riding a roller coaster of emotions and alcohol can be fueling that uneasiness. I ditto the response from Carol and Dee about seeing a professional. You might view your life from an entirely new angle if you see it from a professional standpoint. One who specializes in addiction recovery/depression might be a good first step. I also hope you find a good sober network and start enjoying all the benefits of this wonderful life. We will continue to pray on your behalf, with the hope that you will finally enjoy the fruits of this sober life -ODAAT.

newwings

I applaud your honesty, Linz. I hope you find something out there that works for you - you are are too talented a story teller and writer to throw everything down and walk away.

Boleo

That lack of feeling you have just described is one of the many symptoms of addiction. That's why they say:

"The good news when you get sober is you get your feelings back. The bad news when you get sober is you get your feelings back."

Dealing with those feelings is why there is more to recovery than just abstinence. We need to learn how to cope with feelings we have not dealt with in years.

stugotz

And the wonderful thing is that you never have to feel like that again. You are in the right place.

keithj

Be careful what you ask for.

Ah, geez, Linz, it's a rough deal you've got going on. I don't know how the relationship situation plays out, or if there are other issues like depression going on, but I do know that the the way you describe things are very close to how the picture of my life seemed at one time. It all just sucked and I couldn't see a way out.

I can assure you, there is a way out. Your life, as you see it now, is not necessarily how it will look if you can recover from alcoholism.

But it's going to take some work. A lot of work. It's going to take a lot more than just 'trying' to not drink. I had to set aside some life-long conceptions about how I saw the world and my place in it. I had to look real hard at my behaviors. I had to experience the discomfort of change. I had to take action, every day, to make spiritual progress and tap into some power that I obviously didn't have.

Action, every day, directed along a path that has been successful for others. There's nothing to figure out or invent. The path is already there. Find someone to guide you along it. Today.

It can be the last day of your suffering. But it's not going to happen sitting there wishing for it.

DayTrader

Linz -

I, too, can guarantee the same. Things like "your entire outlook on life will change" really intrigued me about sobriety via the 12 steps. Ya see, I knew I needed a WHOLE lot more than just "not drinking." I needed so many changes in the way I thought, believed, felt, reacted, and so forth......I needed a complete overhauling in just about every area of my life. I also realized that the odds of me being able to fix all that.......or even being willing to do the work to fix all that......were somewhere between 1 in a trillion and zero. However.........not only is that possible in AA........not only is it likely.........it's guaran-frickin-teed! And it's not guaranteed just because it's in the Big Book.....nope, it's guaranteed because it's actually happened.......a lot......over and over......to ordinary everyday alkies that you run into at meetings and here online.

I can tell you, I'm a different person, in 90+% of my life now, than I was before I started working the program. And since I quoted Keith above, I'll use him.......HE'S a completely different person today than he was. That's the biggest and best promise (to me) about working the program....... you WILL come out of it different - better - healthier and happier.

I didn't like the word at first, but the BB uses the term "reborn." Now.....today......I see why Bill used that word..... the realization that you've been changed for the better in soooooo many areas really IS like getting a second chance at life as a new person....but with all the knowledge and experience from your past to help you as you move forward.

.....and it will take some work, a fair amount of it too....and you won't like a lot of it......and it won't seem to make sense sometimes.....and you certainly won't FEEL like doing a lot of it. I'd compare it to training for the olympics - alllllllll the time spent practicing, allllll the sacrifices along the way.....that part isn't fun BUT......there's a payoff at the end. When you're standing on the podium of life knowing that you're successful, and happy, and sober......all that work that you didn't want to do will be wellllll worth it.


......edit: I wanted to add something. When I was getting sober there was a lot of talk at the tables about resentments.... ppl we're mad at, ppl we don't like, ppl who've let us down, ppl who've hurt us, ppl we may even hate. I had a tough time with that one because there was one person I truly hated.....one person I could NOT forgive......and one person I really couldn't stand to be around - and that person was ME. I truly disgusted myself.....regularly. Talking about it, "working on it," saying "positive affirmations,".......that stuff was a joke, really. It didn't seem to even touch those feelings. Working the steps though.....and doing a lot of service work to help other ppl.....and getting actively engaged in the AA program......wow.........THAT made a difference. What freedom, yanno? I haven't hated myself.......or wanted to blow my head off......or wanted to just check the F out of life......in over 4 years now. THAT'S freedom........THAT'S happiness.........THAT'S serenity......... that's what you get when you work the AA program. ........and YOU can have it too - guaranteed.

Linz

Thank you all for your replies. They have given hope for today. Today... is all I got! So I'm going to go to work, play with plants, make some money, come home and save it... not spend it at the bar. Tonight I will make it through tonight.

susanlauren

Linz.
Do you want to make a great day even better? Why not find an AA meeting to attend tonight? Susan

Adisa1101

linz,
i can completely relate to your post. i have major depression as well. been on medication for years. have you ever been on medication to help with the depression? everyone keeps saying once you start feeling better about yourself, things will fall into place. try and think about the good things that make up who you are. your talents. your gifts. i know that they exist. depression and alcoholism seem to go hand and hand. do what you can to work on yourself, whatever that may be. youre in good company.

doggonecarl

I don't believe you.

MrDavid

That's great to hear Linz. We will be here to support you every step of the way. We promise...