Maintaining sobriety when with an alcoholic significant other.
 

I'd really appreciate some advice and encouragement on staying sober when in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I'm not breaking up with him so that is not an option. His drinking triggers my desire to drink and I have slipped a few times and had 1-2 drinks on several occasions. I really don't want to drink AT ALL but I'm scared I'll start down that path again. I know that picking up a drink is a choice - no one's forcing me, but I haven't had a relationship in years and this is my first one in sobriety (or attempted sobriety) so I need to work out how to stay sober and not give in to the triggering. He had a long period of sobriety but then relapsed.

When we met he said he wanted to get sober again and quit for a few months, but then picked up again and so did I. He has mentioned a few times he thinks he's ready to quit again. I don't know what will happen between us long term (or even short term) but I need strategies to help me not drink even if he is. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, chances are I'll end up in another one with someone who drinks at least socially. This is a new scenario for me and I'd really appreciate some advice on how to manage it.

That's a tough one TigetLili. For me, I had to stay away from all my known triggers to stay sober for any length of time. I had to, for once, but myself first.

I wasn't able to get and stay sober without AA and a sponsor. It can be done other ways but that's the only thing that has worked for me.

Good luck on your journey!!

Hi TigerLili

I know many members here have spouses or partners who drink or who are active alcoholics, but they stay sober themselves so it's not a dealbreaker :)

It is a hard bed you're making for yourself but it's your call....

What's your support system like?

if this relationship is that important to you, I suggest you try with all you have to stay sober, because from my experience a relationship with two active alcoholics in it is pretty much doomed anyway.

D

That's a tough one, when my alcoholic partner was still drinking it was annoying having to babysit him when he would over drink. You can practice the method of detaching and not enabling him when he goes overboard or you can just remove yourself from the room when he starts drinking. When asks why you don't stay in the room, tell him that it bothers you and you want to remain sober.

Luckily my alcoholic partner also stopped drinking, so I don't have to worry about it. Who knows, maybe yours will too.

We don't live together and really only have the opportunity to see each other once a week or so and I don't see that changing for the forseeable future. He doesn't drink a lot when he's around me and not to the point where he's hungover the next day. In this way it's manageable and his drinking doesn't interfere with my life. I may eventually decide to move on because it becomes a deal breaker or he may decide to stop.

The End - you're right that I need to detach. I don't ask him about his drinking but I can tell from his voice and text messages that he's hitting it pretty hard most nights. He has asked me a few times about which meetings I go to but I haven't suggested he come with me because I think he would back off.

Dee - In terms of support, have to say that I got sober in AA, but I hate going to meetings. They make me want to poke my eyes out with boredom and frustration, and I find it really hard to sit through them. Listening to people talk about drinking makes me want to drink! I don't currently have a sponsor because no one that I want to ask is available. I need to go to more meetings or different meetings in order to meet more women who might be able to sponsor me. I thought I'd try going to some other 12 step fellowships like NA (also had a prescription drug problem) and Alanon. I stay in touch via text and Facebook with a handful of people who have long term sobriety and we catch up for coffee occassionally. I go to weekly psychotherapy with an pro-AA psychiatrist.

Hey TigerLili ----

In reading your posts, there were two things that you said that really struck a chord with me...............:

1) "...I hate going to meetings. They make me want to poke my eyes out with boredom and frustration, and I find it really hard to sit through them. Listening to people talk about drinking..."

2) "...I need to go to more meetings or different meetings in order to meet more women who might be able to sponsor me..."

Re.........:

1) Yes indeedy, absolutely you definitely should check out some new and different meetings. I find that I avoid meetings like the one you describe; I subscribe to meetings that focus in the SOLUTION and NOT on the problem. Although I may be bored or frstraated at times, I'm never triggered to drink because of others 'drinking stories.'

2) As stated in my #1 above, you obviously put your finger on a solution for you. I would add that the reason for finding new and different meeting should not be limited to just finding more women and/or prospective sponsors, but just new and different and better 'solution-based' meetings.....that's the key.....the solution...............


(o:
NoelleR

I live with boyfriend who now drinks occassionally...we were big drinkers together and when I stopped drinking and was in recovery he pretty much stopped...although on occassion he will "let loose" I came to realize that I can't control his drinking....and I really found peace knowing I can only control what I do....in saying that I would just suggest doing what you feel is right for you...I personally would find it hard..to stay..my sobriety is the most important thing to me....life and death really....and I just wouldn't jepordize it... best wishes to you.....

Hi TigerLili,

I am an alcoholic, in recovery,who lives with someone who drinks. He is a weekend warrior/problem drinker.

We have been married for 27 years, and we have 2 children.

I tried to stay sober without attending AA, or addressing my co-dependency issues. I ended up being a dry drunk who was miserable in her own skin. I stayed this way for 5 years. During that time, I developed resentments toward alcohol. I resented that I couldn't drink, I resented my husband for drinking, I resented others who drank.

Eventually, I drank.

I finally sought help in AA, and Al-Anon. For me to remain sober and serene, I truly had to admit I was powerless over alcohol, not just my relationship with it..but, others, including my husband.

It has been a little over a 1 1/2 years since I began this journey. Today, I am able to accept my husbands decision to drink, and he respects and accepts mine not to drink. I could only work on changing myself, my reactions, my attitudes.

Our marriage has survived to date. Who knows if down the road his drinking will become a bigger issue for me, or threaten my sobriety? Today, I take it one day at a time and enjoy the life I have.

I don't know if that helps you at all. For me, my recovery is due to AA, Al-Anon, and working on my co-dependency.