Do you feel family and freinds don't care about you being sober?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 55
Do you feel family and freinds don't care about you being sober?
I am 6 months sober and sometimes feel that nobody really cares. Anybody that I tell seems not to want to talk about it and or even worse says when are you going to drink again. I rarely go out with friends just to hangout anymore because I feel that I am the outcast and have a hard time fitting in without drinking. I also hate the constant peer pressure of drinking again. I have realized sober that you are an outcast if you drink too much and outcast if you don't drink at all. I enjoy my life more sober then I did drinking however do feel that it hasn’t been easy and wish my family and friends support me more.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 48
I think that deciding to stay sober is a personal choice. I do find that some people do not care about my sobriety. I have friends that drink and probably want me to drink, but I know that I can't handle drinking anymore. My focus is ME. I know that I will enjoy life more sober. You can't control how people feel about somethings, but you can control how YOU feel.
If you have to fit in with your friends by drinking then it might time to find new friends. Why do you have to fit in by drinking? If they really are your friend then they will support you. However, if they want to drink, then let them drink. You shouldn't try to control them. If they want to drink, then let them, but you said it yourself that you enjoy your sober life.
If you have to fit in with your friends by drinking then it might time to find new friends. Why do you have to fit in by drinking? If they really are your friend then they will support you. However, if they want to drink, then let them drink. You shouldn't try to control them. If they want to drink, then let them, but you said it yourself that you enjoy your sober life.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
This topic came up recently at an AA meeting. Some people seem to think that there should be a high school marching band playing in their driveway when they come home from a 28 day rehab. The reality is that most non-alcoholics aren't going throw a party when we finally sober up, their attitude seems to be more like, "well, it's about time . . . "
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi doublecheck
I remember feeling a little miffed when I got sober - I knew where I'd come from and I knew the effort it had taken...to me it was a mammoth achievement - and most people seemed to be saying 'yeah that's good...and?'
LOL.
Now I see it a little differently.
My normal drinker friends didn't understand I think because my experience was completely alien to them...
they never obsessed about alcohol, they never went on benders, they never got out of responsibilities to drink....they never drank even tho they knew it was going to get them into trouble...
for a lot of people 30 days, 60 days sober is no big deal...it doesn't even register....
for them, if you want to quit drinking , you quit...and that's it.
My drinking friends - well they just didn't want to know full stop.
They just wanted the elephant in the room to go away and for me to come back into the fold and drink.When I didn't most of them left, and I stopped hanging around the ones who didn't.
My life changed - and I changed too. My old life didn't 'fit' anymore.
If you're feeling like an outcast, maybe it's time to look at your social circle...maybe you need to make some changes that reflect who you are now too - maybe get a few more sober friends around you?
Not drinking was the best decision of my life.
Kudos and appreciation didn't come into it for me.
I made the choice for me, not for my friends
D
I remember feeling a little miffed when I got sober - I knew where I'd come from and I knew the effort it had taken...to me it was a mammoth achievement - and most people seemed to be saying 'yeah that's good...and?'
LOL.
Now I see it a little differently.
My normal drinker friends didn't understand I think because my experience was completely alien to them...
they never obsessed about alcohol, they never went on benders, they never got out of responsibilities to drink....they never drank even tho they knew it was going to get them into trouble...
for a lot of people 30 days, 60 days sober is no big deal...it doesn't even register....
for them, if you want to quit drinking , you quit...and that's it.
My drinking friends - well they just didn't want to know full stop.
They just wanted the elephant in the room to go away and for me to come back into the fold and drink.When I didn't most of them left, and I stopped hanging around the ones who didn't.
My life changed - and I changed too. My old life didn't 'fit' anymore.
If you're feeling like an outcast, maybe it's time to look at your social circle...maybe you need to make some changes that reflect who you are now too - maybe get a few more sober friends around you?
Not drinking was the best decision of my life.
Kudos and appreciation didn't come into it for me.
I made the choice for me, not for my friends
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmm...
How did AA begin? 2 alcoholics supporting each other as they strived to get and stay sober.
That is why I rely on my fellow AA member friends....they understand. We then live in the solution as a team.
Well done on your 6 months...
How did AA begin? 2 alcoholics supporting each other as they strived to get and stay sober.
That is why I rely on my fellow AA member friends....they understand. We then live in the solution as a team.
Well done on your 6 months...
.
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Tn
Posts: 48
I understand how you feel. None of my family who I don't live around ever mention it. My bfs family doesn't either, however I have made it a point many of times by saying today makes 6/7/8 etc months yippee! They say they're proud of me and even iif it wasn't initiated by them I can tell they are being sincere. Even if they weren't I'd feel alright with letting them know my progress. and greatful to be able to say outloud, Im sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Yes, they do care.
My family loves the clean and sober me. I have an alcoholic Father who is still active in his addiction. I can see it like night and day in family situations. My serenity is a big part of my family.
Sobriety is a wonderful thing.
I'm so sorry for those of you who are not getting the support that you need from your family. I hope you continue to post here and receive it from the wonderful people here.
My family loves the clean and sober me. I have an alcoholic Father who is still active in his addiction. I can see it like night and day in family situations. My serenity is a big part of my family.
Sobriety is a wonderful thing.
I'm so sorry for those of you who are not getting the support that you need from your family. I hope you continue to post here and receive it from the wonderful people here.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi dc - congratulations on your 6 months! Everyone around here knows what an achievement that is, even if your friends don't. Having other sober alcoholics for support is really important - we're here for you.....
You can also learn to give yourself that pat on the back. Be your own best friend and hold your head high. You're doing great!
You can also learn to give yourself that pat on the back. Be your own best friend and hold your head high. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Personally, I am not interested in people caring. I want them not to care at all.
There are people in my family who still suspect that I might be sneaking out to drink, or who seem to expect me to "relapse" and explode into drunkenness. I don't necessarily blame them for that, but I did recently tell one of them not to imply that ever again unless they see me drinking, which they will not.
Some people have told me that they are proud of me. I tell them "thanks, but I'm not interested in a cookie." :-)
If anyone asks me to drink, I tell them that I don't drink. If they are forward enough to ask me why not, I have found the perfect answer: I tell them "because it is wrong for me to drink."
Not many people will press the issue further after hearing that, since most drinkers will be terrified at the prospect of anyone suggesting that it is wrong for them to do so. They will instinctively and preemptively recoil from any possible moral judgment as if from a hot flame.
If they were to ask why it is wrong, though, I would say "for the same reason it is wrong for me to mainline heroin."
There are people in my family who still suspect that I might be sneaking out to drink, or who seem to expect me to "relapse" and explode into drunkenness. I don't necessarily blame them for that, but I did recently tell one of them not to imply that ever again unless they see me drinking, which they will not.
Some people have told me that they are proud of me. I tell them "thanks, but I'm not interested in a cookie." :-)
If anyone asks me to drink, I tell them that I don't drink. If they are forward enough to ask me why not, I have found the perfect answer: I tell them "because it is wrong for me to drink."
Not many people will press the issue further after hearing that, since most drinkers will be terrified at the prospect of anyone suggesting that it is wrong for them to do so. They will instinctively and preemptively recoil from any possible moral judgment as if from a hot flame.
If they were to ask why it is wrong, though, I would say "for the same reason it is wrong for me to mainline heroin."
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi Doublecheck -- I hope you can find someone who supports you and is proud of you, because I think it helps tremendously. And yes, a good place to look would be where there are others who relate to your experience and understand how much work you are doing to make this change (here, or AA, or a particularly compassionate person who has struggled with addiction?).
I relate to your experience -- there are plenty of people in my life who think it's weird I quit because they don't understand why I can't just be a moderate drinker, either because they are moderate or they are holding on to the belief that they can moderate (and me believing the opposite is a threat to that belief). Some of these people are my immediate family members. Anyway, as soon as I accepted it was my truth I could no longer care what they believed. There are other things we disagree about and I just have to consider this one of many.
I relate to your experience -- there are plenty of people in my life who think it's weird I quit because they don't understand why I can't just be a moderate drinker, either because they are moderate or they are holding on to the belief that they can moderate (and me believing the opposite is a threat to that belief). Some of these people are my immediate family members. Anyway, as soon as I accepted it was my truth I could no longer care what they believed. There are other things we disagree about and I just have to consider this one of many.
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
I have friends who care and friends who couldn't care less.
My immediate family supports me but its the extended family that makes me shake my head. It's a huge family and they all drink. There's some form of communication w/ members almost everyday and we see eachother every weekend. Its so big that there's always a birthday party going on. Anyway, since I've gotten sober, I've become the black sheep of that part of my family. I've not been invited to aunt's bday parties or bbq's because I was told I don't drink anymore anyway. They've made jokes and have put shots in front of me telling me to drink (This is some, not all). It stings when I'm not invited but im learning to understand that nobody is responsible for my happiness, but me.
As far as how much time sober you have..if its important or helpful in your sobriety to have that, then post it here. People love hearing positive news here!
Be proud of the accomplishment you made in choosing to get and stay sober. The people who don't want the best for you aren't people you want to give too much thought to.
Those that matter, don't mind and those that mind, don't matter.
My immediate family supports me but its the extended family that makes me shake my head. It's a huge family and they all drink. There's some form of communication w/ members almost everyday and we see eachother every weekend. Its so big that there's always a birthday party going on. Anyway, since I've gotten sober, I've become the black sheep of that part of my family. I've not been invited to aunt's bday parties or bbq's because I was told I don't drink anymore anyway. They've made jokes and have put shots in front of me telling me to drink (This is some, not all). It stings when I'm not invited but im learning to understand that nobody is responsible for my happiness, but me.
As far as how much time sober you have..if its important or helpful in your sobriety to have that, then post it here. People love hearing positive news here!
Be proud of the accomplishment you made in choosing to get and stay sober. The people who don't want the best for you aren't people you want to give too much thought to.
Those that matter, don't mind and those that mind, don't matter.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I have been sober for 10 months and feel as though I have finally joined the real world. I don't think family and friends really care that I'm sober (well, my husband - father of my children obviously does) but does the room erupt in applause when you walk in? No. That's kind of how sobriety feels to me. Like I just walked into the room where everyone else is. Some people look up and say hi. But it's not like a surprise party for me where people jump up and down on sight I'm sure it's nice that I'm finally 'here' but not earth shattering.
I would say that if you feel like people are genuinely not supportive then it's time to walk into a different room. IME most people live pretty sober lives. But I know there was a time in my life when I didn't know any of them
I'm sure it's nice that I'm finally 'here' but not earth shattering.I would say that if you feel like people are genuinely not supportive then it's time to walk into a different room. IME most people live pretty sober lives. But I know there was a time in my life when I didn't know any of them
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 392
I honestly believe most of my friends and family liked it when I was drinking. They always had something to talk about and laugh at. A few like to ask if I want a drink when I visit. Others just kind of stare like they don't know me or something.
Like it or not, I am striving to stay sober everyday
Like it or not, I am striving to stay sober everyday
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by doublecheck 
wish my family and friends support me more
Ask yourself, How? By... not drinking around you?
That seems reasonable, but in the long run, unless they are abusive or flagrant, it's probably an unrealistic expectation.... I had that expectation, at first, and it caused me great resentment when they drank anyway... it's normal to feel that way... My wife has one a day, maybe two on the weekend... She's my wife and why shouldn't she enjoy a drink? And now, I hardly notice...
By not pressuring you... G-Dam right you should expect them not to do that, and if they do, go somewhere else... that's either ignorance (probably) or insensitivity (possibly) or malice (probably not)... either way, that's selfish on their part and should not be tolerated...
By recognizing your sober birthdays? I don't want that. My recovery is about me and it makes me uncomfortable to have them (family, non alkie friends) involved... it's funny, my brother is in AA and sober 25 years, and I bristle when he makes any reference to recovery, unless we are alone, and even then... he's my brother, not my sponsor...
The fellowship of AA can provide you with support in ways that you can't even understand, until you experience it... At my home group I'm in the book for Sept. 14, 2011 to celebrate my 3rd year... I'll bring a nice cake, the coffee people will have some hot coffee ready and we will all share our experience, strength and hope...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Middletown, N.J.
Posts: 53
im not sure my family even wants to know half the time. i went to rehab this february in greeneville tennessee. needless to say, it was brutal. shortly after coming home i relapsed. my parents found out leading to an argument from hell. they couldnt see anything that i was saying except the fact that i drank. fighting only made me want to drink more. i feel like they can only understand to a point and i dont blame them. ive failed them about a thousand times. theres no trust anymore. ive ruined that. im not sure i even want them to know what i go through everyday with the struggle of drinking. i think theyre already worried about me as it is so why tell them the ins and outs of my obsession with alcohol. its difficult to even explain half the time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 55
Some great feedback thanks to everybody. A lot of people here say AA works however I have my doubts about going. I do think AA is great for most people however I have been to GA meetings years ago and found them to be so boring and redundant. I figure if I just don't drink no need for the 12 steps or AA. I also don't believe in God so the higher power thing is hard for me to believe. I do know it doesn't have to be god as a higher power but most of the time it is.
I do enjoy this forum a lot because it has helped me stay sober.
I do enjoy this forum a lot because it has helped me stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wappingers Falls, NY
Posts: 618
Re:Do you feel family and freinds don't care about you being sober?
Thanks...doublecheck for the topic.
I'm sober today, regardless of who's on board. If my family and friends are not in agreement with my lifestyle change or question my resolve to remain sober, then so be it. I sobered up for myself not others. I only wish that some of my old friends could accept my alcoholism like I have. If they did, the questions as to "why" would not be an issue anymore. Great thread though...thanks to everyone for sharing.
~God bless~
I'm sober today, regardless of who's on board. If my family and friends are not in agreement with my lifestyle change or question my resolve to remain sober, then so be it. I sobered up for myself not others. I only wish that some of my old friends could accept my alcoholism like I have. If they did, the questions as to "why" would not be an issue anymore. Great thread though...thanks to everyone for sharing.
~God bless~
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
May I offer a sober friend's perspective? Count me as one of the friends who does care. As I posted to a similar thread of the New To Recovery forum, a long-time friend went into outpatient rehab several weeks ago and requested that I not contact him during this time. I care about him and his recovery so all I can do is wait until he feels ready to speak to me again. I plan on letting him know that I care and am here to help him. If to him, that means acknowledging his sobriety, I'll do it. If it means not discussing it with me, I'll respect his request. I have to leave it up to him, but I will let him know that he has my support.
and good luck with your own sobriety!
and good luck with your own sobriety!
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