wywriter

I'd also like to chime in from the perspective of family of an alcoholic. My husband is still active, but has talked about quitting or "cutting back" a few times. I can't count how many times I've gotten my hopes up when he decides he's going to try to sober up, only to sink even lower when it didn't work out.

Now I'm working on my own co-dependent issues and getting a lot better about not reacting with the ups and downs. I'm still afraid to mention anything when he's gone a few days not drinking, because it only seems to get him thinking about drinking. Worse, sometimes he feels like I'm "praising" him for "good behavior" and feels pushed. Am I overjoyed when he doesn't drink? Absolutely. It makes me even more hopeful when he talks about quitting entirely, because he's facing massive organ failure at this point and has gotten two concussions in the past 8 months from drunken falls. However, unless he specifically mentions his lack of drinking, I don't address it -- and I'm afraid I probably appear a bit nonchalant when I say anything. Inside, I'm anything but, but I don't want him to feel pushed, and I also don't want him to try to do it for me. It will never work until he wants to quit for him.

I know a heck of a lot of friends and family of alcoholics, and I don't know a single one who isn't completely overjoyed about sobriety, but most of us don't really know how to react to show that without either pushing or changing the focus on why they're recovering.

TwelveSteps

Totally agree... if one of my friends told me he'd been able to get through a whole MONTH without hitting himself on the head with a hammer, I'd be like, uh... congratulations? Why would you want to hit yourself on the head with a hammer to begin with? After all, that's basically what I was doing by drinking...

I've always found this amusing: Congratulations on finding people who congratulate you on staying sober 24 hours | Congratulations Ecard | someecards.com

Focus on how proud you are of YOURSELF and get your congrats from those who understand.

GG

TwoJacks

I have it from family AND friends. My husband and my two best friends all think I was fine before I stopped and don't understand why I did. It's frustrating isn't it.

Terminally Unique

I see nothing wrong with someone quitting for their husband, wife, children, or family. I can't say that I entirely quit "for me" - if I had no family, I might have pulled a "Leaving Las Vegas" stunt.

I do feel your pain, though, and I hope that things work out for you and your family.

wywriter

True, but I think most can agree that it can't be JUST for family. I know a couple of people who have been able to quit because needing to take care of their family was an additional incentive, but I haven't seen anyone who could quit just because others wanted them to. I don't think I'm entirely out of the equation, but I still would hope that he'd focus on his personal reasons too -- might make it easier to remember why on days I might not be his favorite person in the world .

simplyfab

I don't see anything wrong with this either. I too didn't quit entirely for me.

My bottom came because my finace had finally had enough and was determined to leave. Now, I'm not saying I got sober so he can stay, but what this did do, was push me to it. It was the push I needed to reach that point where you realize everything you've been doing and what you've become. How much hurt I was causing my children and SO, and how much trauma my kids were going through. I wasn't "mommy" anymore, but mom. I wasn't "my beautiful fiance" anymore, I was "her".
It was then that I knew I could no longer drink ever again, and accepted it. I stopped fighting it, and everything just fell into place. Not drinking anymore became the easiest decision to make.
Yes, I stopped because I didn't like the person I had become, but it wasn't just for me. I'm not just "ME" in this life. I'm a mother, a partner, a daughter, a sister and a friend.
So in that sense, yes, I stopped for my family just as much as I stopped for myself.

gravity

Perhaps in time you will come to understand how important your sobriety is to your loved ones & other people in your life. I used to abandon my (now ex) wife & kids for days at a time, miss work, scare my sister when I'd disappear, hurt people (not physically) when I was drinking...really pathetic, often scary stuff. These people eventually told me how my drinking was hurting my them and how happy they were for me. It took time until they believed that I was serious about sobriety & that drinking was behind me.

I've been sober for 3 1/2 years. People know 100% that they can trust me, that I'm a responsible person.

Give it time.

MattM316

In my case I just don't think most people really realise how serious my problem became, so to them it's not such a big deal.

Pinkcuda

At first it bothered me. Then I was told I was expecting other people to pat me on the back for doing what I was supposed to do in the first place. It was pointed out that maybe I was patting myself on the back a little too much as it was.
I've come to believe that to be true.

Zencat

My family and friends are just happy I don't live like a drunken madman any more. The real reward for me is being able to put a stop to the madness. Its a very big personal accomplishment to overcome an illness that left untreated would have killed me. I'm alive and relatively well and that's all the reward I'll ever need.

KathP

I often feel the same way. My spouse often alternates between aloofness & caring in regard to my sobriety, and sometimes that bothers me. But like other people have said... I got sober for myself. Not for him, not for our kids, but so that I could be free of alcohol's clutches & be the person I was meant to be.

And congratulations on six months -- that's awesome!!

LosingmyMisery

My family and friends do care about whether I'm sober or not. However, they don't pay much attention to the fact that they drink and I don't. They cannot relate and have no idea of how hard the battle is or was.

I hated to discuss my recovery in the beginning. I wanted no mention of it what so ever. I didn't want to be pin pointed as an alcoholic. I was asked if it bothered me if they drank around me. I told them no. It was odd to get used to, but I wasn't tempted to drink while around alcohol at gatherings. Asking others not to would make me feel awkward and turn the spotlight on my problem and I hated that.

It will be 7 seven years since I've quit drinking. There hasn't been one gathering or holiday that wasn't soaked in wine or alcohol of some sort. The fact that I am sober just "is" in their minds. I'm sometimes bothered by the fact that my sobriety is taken for granted or feels like it to me. On the other hand, I don't take it for granted. It is my responsibility. I don't think they pay any mind that I am one of the lucky ones. I have remained sober for years without a problem or close call. Many can't achieve that and I have had many friends die from the disease. That bothers me, but I don't think they are capable of putting my day to day living in the entire "recovery" equation, if that makes any sense.

Why me? Why was I able to stay sober and my friends died? That thought is something that will never pass through the minds of my friends or family. Again, they just aren't wired for it.

My sobriety draws no attention. The thing that would get their attention is if I started drinking again. I have no intention of letting that happen, however. I have come to far to go backwards. I celebrate my milestones privately within myself. I know what it took, I know the battle, and I'm grateful for achieving it. That is the number one thing that matters.

The 4th of July is coming up. That was the day I took my last drink. I can guarantee that no one will recognize that fact or effort this coming 4th as we gather to celebrate. I alone will remember it privately and be grateful for my achievement.

susanlauren

Doublecheck,
If you can just not drink, then there really is no need for any program of recovery. I tried abstinence alone and I found that just not drinking was not a solution. I was miserable, suffering from untreated alcoholism. I hope you find that not drinking solves your problem. But if it doesn't, there are a number of recovery programs to choose from
Susan

susanlauren

Doublecheck,
If you can just not drink, then there really is no need for any program of recovery. I tried abstinence alone and I found that just not drinking was not a solution. I was miserable, suffering from untreated alcoholism. I hope you find that not drinking solves your problem. But if it doesn't, there are a number of recovery programs to choose from
Susan

TheEnd

Actually, all my friends who know I am in recovery really do care and they ask how things are going, how my meetings are, and how the people I've met in recovery are doing. They had to go through the horrible experience of me using in the end and believe me it wasn't a pretty picture. My parents also call me every week now, since I have been in recovery.

I'm happy people take an interest in my recovery, and it add an extra layer of accountability. Not only would I be letting myself down if I picked up a drink or drug, but I would be letting my family and friends down. That's a whole lot of people I don't wish to disappoint.

bmwcycle

I too have had the same results,

About six months sober and the reactions from friends and family are still a little strange to handle.

The people (my parents/in-laws) who went behind my back while I was drinking and expressed concern to my wife and brother that I had a problem, reacted completely different. My parents do not mention it at all, and neither do I to them. At first I guess they were a little skeptical that it would last, after a while it just became accepted that I choose to stop, and that was that.

My in-laws have been extremely supportive and tell me that they are proud of my accomplishment and the gift I have given to myself, their daughter and grandchildren.

Both love and care about me a great deal, they just deal with things in a different way.

I am the happiest and most proud of what I am doing, and that matters to me the most!!