Twenty

I'm mainly a weekend binge drinker (though throw in a couple on weekday nights) and have had regular blackouts since around age 25 (I'm 31 now)...thing I've noticed in the past year is I don't just have hangovers anymore...after a night of drinking, now I'm up at 4 am, anxious, jittery, and can't get back to sleep. Reaching a point where I'm going to quit cold turkey.

Anyhow, told my friend 2 hours ago that I wasn't going with him to some nightclub where the only thing to do is get wasted...he's confused and upset with me, and I feel like I've let him down, being a bad friend, etc. Fact of the matter is this is what we've done for years as friends. The weekend rolls around and we hit bars, clubs, and drink heavily. Without that, I don't know what we'd even do together. How do you all deal with this?

nandm

My experience is that I wound up having to develop a different support group although some of the people that were in my life while drinking are still around today they were not people that I strictly partied with. This may not be the case with you. You could always approach your friend with your reasons you are choosing to stop drinking and see how they react. They may be quite supportive of your decision and you may find your friendship stronger for it. But you also might find that the only commonality between you and your friend is alcohol. I wish you luck in your endeavors and hope that you are able to develop a strong support system of friends old and new.

Dee74

Hi twenty

I never wanted to let my friends down - so basically that meant I kept drinking.
In the end I had to decide what was more important - my friends or my life.

Most of my real friends saw the danger I was in and supported me in staying sober - those that didn't? we had to part ways.

D

Taking5

I changed my playground (bars) and playmates (drinking buddies) in order to acheive lasting sobriety. Of all those "friends" in the bars, there were really only a couple of true friends, and they weren't alcoholics like me. I did though, have a couple of alcoholic ex-bar buddies that later joined me in AA.

FBL

My true friends understand and have supported me in my sobriety. The ones who were only "drinking buddies" have faded away...they were never really my friends anyway.

LexieCat

Fact is, the biggest thing we have in common with some people is that we both like to drink.

That's what passes for "friendship" for a lot of alcoholics, because we don't really know HOW to be real friends with someone else.

AA's 12-Step program puts a lot of focus on our relationships--with ourselves, with others, with our Higher Power. I'm learning friendship skills I didn't have before. Slowly, but I'm getting there.

CarolD

When I declared I was heading into a sober life and had joined AA...most of my social circle drifted away...
The few who stayed....we found new places to go without alcohol being a factor.

Yes it hurt...but it also gave me the time to work on myself and find new non drinking AA Friends.

I too was in D.C. so I know there are many groups of mostly singles who do all sorts of things outside of meetings.
I suggest you check out the Dupont Circle meetings and get active. The Metro is very near.
My first home group was Attitude and actions in georgetown ..mostly singles ..on the Friendship Heights bus line.

lkc2010

I have to do the same thing. I need to tell all my close friends I'm no longer drinking and taking it seriously. I think that it'll help in the long run esp to help avoid temptation. Its really really hard though. I know my real friends will stick around but its super hard to tell people.

NYCDoglvr

Sometimes not drinking seems easier than making the changes necessary to staying sober. Yes, it hurts in the beginning but the longer we stay sober, the more self-esteem we get so these changes are worth it. You're on the right track and congrats on your 60 days.

Frustriert

Well hi! You and I are awfully alike. I'm 31 and god, I HATE HATE HATE that time when I week up at 4AM. Nervous, ashamed. Swearing to myself I'll do better the next time. God.

I haven't drank for 8 months but did spend some time doing pot and cough syrup... I still haven't completely learned how to live sober but I keep trying.

Friends are a tough situation. Deep down you know which friends you can be open and honest with and they will still accept you for who you are and who you are trying to become. Other friends will fade away. It is what is. Sounds harsh, I know...

My friends haven't changed. Acquaintances I thought were friends and I drank with have faded away slowly but surely. It hurts a little, no doubt.

flutter

Same as a lot of the previous posters, my real non-drinking buddy friends supported me and our relationships have only been enhanced by my sobriety, my drinking buddies haven't spoken to me since the day I quit, over 2.5 years ago. Can't believe I actually thought of them as friends, it was such a sick and twisted 'friendship' anyways!

sunrise1

Ditto here- - all my true friends were instantly on my side; the few who weren't I don't see nearly as often. Developing a support group outside of alcohol altogether has really been important in my recovery.

It's hard, but you can't allow yourself to feel guilty because you think you are putting a dent in someone else's "good time".

All my friends know I make a hell of a designated driver, and I am just as fun now or even more fun... I don't have to pause during the night and wonder to myself "Hmmm, is this a good idea or a drunk idea?"... saves me a lot of headaches and embarrassment the next morning, both real and metaphorical.

Adisa1101

i couldnt have said it better myself. looking back, most of the bad decisions i made were when i was drinking. and everything seemed like a good idea. my drunk ideas always ended up in disaster. i feel grateful to have the chance to make better ones. good choices. tired of living in that regret.

saki

I can identify with this post as well. I've spent some time with people I had nothing in common with besides drinking and I regret it. It cost money, impacted health, and made me full of regret the next day. I don't speak to these people anymore.

On the other hand, I have a few very good friends that I would trust my life with, that I drink with regularly. They would totally respect it if I would quit drinking (they have been supportive in the past when I tried), but the thing is we just like drinking together and it's very hard to stay sober if they drink. Even though they are absolutely not pressuring me. Heck, I was always the one getting the most ****** up anyway.

Still it's hard getting together with them and not associating it with alcohol: sitting around the fire with a case of beer and listening to music, or cook fabulous meals while drinking multiple bottles of wine.
So, yes, friendships are definitely an issue.

loveon2legs

What I have found through sobriety is that you develop friendships that reflect who you are now, and most times your drinkin' buddies fade away....it's not a bad thing you just move forward in your life...a natural progression...in order to be a better you!!!

bonami

As the friend of someone who is currently in treatment, I definitely intend to support his recovery in any way that I can (that's one reason I came here to SR, to learn more about what he is going through so I can best help him). I already know that I won't ever have a drink in front of him again. So your real friends should be able to support you and your desire to stop drinking, especially if you tell them how they can help you (by not asking to meet at the bar, etc.). Good luck with your journey!

MrDavid

Thanks...Twenty for the topic.


I'm sober today, regardless of who's on board. If my prior relationships are not in agreement with my lifestyle change, then so be it. I sobered up for myself not others. I only wish that some of my old friends could accept my alcoholism like I have. If they did, then there would be no more questions as to why? Great thread though...thanks to everyone for sharing.

~God bless~

TwelveSteps

You've got to give your friends some credit and be honest with them.

Don't treat your sobriety lightly when talking to them about it, show that you take it seriously and they probably will too. Help them understand what your boundaries are -- say something like, "I want to spend time with you but I'm not comfortable going to clubs right now. I might in the future. Right now how about we go see a movie/get dinner/etc.?"

It may not be that they are insensitive, just that they don't understand what you feel and what you need, and need your help with that.

BTW, Living Sober is a great book on just these sorts of practical issues.

GG

Wolfy87

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this as well. I would just be honest with them and tell them that it is a personal choice and to ask them to support you. If they don't support you, find new friends. I would give your friends some credit though. If they are your friends, they will support you no matter what.

zbear23

Until I stopped drinking and drugging and found recovery, I didn't have friends. I took hostages.

blessings
zb