Confessing...
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Confessing...
Ugh.
I need to talk.
I've had 8 months of sobriety from alcohol. I've learned a lot, grown more patient and had some great things come about.
But I haven't had absolute sobriety. My wife and I still enjoy a little pot on occasion. I more than her. Yes, I know, it is bad.
On top of that I recently started going back and using DXM - the active ingredient in many OTC cough medicines. Did it in college a few times and started using it again. And, of course, I got caught by my wife.
I talked to a trusted friend, my new sponsor, in AA and told him everything. We are going to go though step four and five again this Sunday and start over.
I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me that I do this sort of thing. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it but until I got caught, I kept doing it, hiding it.
Ugh. All of the self confidence and self worth I built up over the past 8 months is completely gone. I have now sunk back into deep self loathing....I can't stand myself.
I am so sick of cravings. I am so sick of lack of control. I am so sick of this dysfunction. I just can't put up with it. It is a constant f***ing nag in my head that I feel like I'm always fighting and after awhile...I just finally break down and give in. I've done the steps, made a very thorough inventory - was honest about things I never wanted to be honest about.
I am sitting at my desk at work and just want to cry. I am so upset with who I am, what I have become, what I've done. Ugh.
I don't even know what I'm looking for right now. More reprimanding and being told how I messed up? I probably need it. Not sympathy. I just cannot believe how bad this depression and self loathing is right now.
I need to talk.
I've had 8 months of sobriety from alcohol. I've learned a lot, grown more patient and had some great things come about.
But I haven't had absolute sobriety. My wife and I still enjoy a little pot on occasion. I more than her. Yes, I know, it is bad.
On top of that I recently started going back and using DXM - the active ingredient in many OTC cough medicines. Did it in college a few times and started using it again. And, of course, I got caught by my wife.
I talked to a trusted friend, my new sponsor, in AA and told him everything. We are going to go though step four and five again this Sunday and start over.
I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me that I do this sort of thing. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it but until I got caught, I kept doing it, hiding it.
Ugh. All of the self confidence and self worth I built up over the past 8 months is completely gone. I have now sunk back into deep self loathing....I can't stand myself.
I am so sick of cravings. I am so sick of lack of control. I am so sick of this dysfunction. I just can't put up with it. It is a constant f***ing nag in my head that I feel like I'm always fighting and after awhile...I just finally break down and give in. I've done the steps, made a very thorough inventory - was honest about things I never wanted to be honest about.
I am sitting at my desk at work and just want to cry. I am so upset with who I am, what I have become, what I've done. Ugh.
I don't even know what I'm looking for right now. More reprimanding and being told how I messed up? I probably need it. Not sympathy. I just cannot believe how bad this depression and self loathing is right now.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Maybe you need something in addition to your 12 step work? Counseling? Rehab? (Outpatient or inpatient)? When we really want to get and stay sober, we'll go to any lengths, I believe.
Are you truly ready to live the rest of your life sober? (that's somewhat rhetorical)
Are you truly ready to live the rest of your life sober? (that's somewhat rhetorical)
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Good of you to fess up. I don't think recovery can occur unless there is complete honesty. This means being honest, not just with us, but with yourself.
Self confidence and self worth? While you cheat your recovery? I don't think so. In your very first post to SR you wrote:
"I have no self confidence/esteem/worth/etc. I doubt myself all the time..."
That was probably a honest self assessment, and perhaps the root of your problem. Along with the self loathing you feel now. Hard to like yourself when you know you aren't honest with yourself.
There is no short cut to recovery. Pick yourself up and try it again.
Good luck.
Originally Posted by Frustriert 
All of the self confidence and self worth I built up over the past 8 months is completely gone. I have now sunk back into deep self loathing....I can't stand myself.
"I have no self confidence/esteem/worth/etc. I doubt myself all the time..."
That was probably a honest self assessment, and perhaps the root of your problem. Along with the self loathing you feel now. Hard to like yourself when you know you aren't honest with yourself.
There is no short cut to recovery. Pick yourself up and try it again.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
That was probably a honest self assessment, and perhaps the root of your problem. Along with the self loathing you feel now. Hard to like yourself when you know you aren't honest with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Bummer, Frustiert. It was always heartbreaking to build myself back up, get my life back together, and then tear it all down again. Sadly, it's an almost inevitable condition of untreated alcoholism.
Is it possible that you were not living an honest life by continuing to get stoned while trying to work the Steps?
The thoughts of, "I can handle it" and "I can get away with it" were not conducive to my having a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps. If you are interested, there are a number of people in the 12-Step forum with a lot of experience at taking the Steps effectively. You might consider making use of that experience.
Originally Posted by Frustriert
I've done the steps, made a very thorough inventory - was honest about things I never wanted to be honest about.
The thoughts of, "I can handle it" and "I can get away with it" were not conducive to my having a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps. If you are interested, there are a number of people in the 12-Step forum with a lot of experience at taking the Steps effectively. You might consider making use of that experience.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
It took lots of courage to get that deeply honest with yourself and also to post this here. Being that honest is not for the faint of heart.
Aren't you glad to know now that you've got that much courage in you? It's going to serve you well.
Aren't you glad to know now that you've got that much courage in you? It's going to serve you well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Is the starting point steps four and five or is your real problem with step one? You don't know what the hell is wrong with you that you do this sort of thing? A careful reading and comparison of your experiences to those of the Doctor's Opinion and the first three chapters of the Big Book will give you a very good idea of what is wrong. Susan
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by susanlauren
You don't know what the hell is wrong with you that you do this sort of thing? A careful reading and comparison of your experiences to those of the Doctor's Opinion and the first three chapters of the Big Book will give you a very good idea of what is wrong.
Alcoholic and powerless? That is me no doubt and I've read those chapters many times.
I guess what I'm not sure of is why I'm that way. Everyone talks about the substance abuse as being "but a symptom". A symptom of what is what I would like to know.
Going through the steps and I never had some amazing revelation of what was wrong with me. I never had the amazing experience that everyone else talks about and I never felt that freedom of no craving.
I spent my first three or four months in AA (and my sobriety) completely free of anything but gave in after awhile.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by Frustriert
Alcoholic and powerless? That is me no doubt and I've read those chapters many times.
I guess what I'm not sure of is why I'm that way. Everyone talks about the substance abuse as being "but a symptom". A symptom of what is what I would like to know.
Going through the steps and I never had some amazing revelation of what was wrong with me. I never had the amazing experience that everyone else talks about and I never felt that freedom of no craving.
I spent my first three or four months in AA (and my sobriety) completely free of anything but gave in after awhile.
I guess what I'm not sure of is why I'm that way. Everyone talks about the substance abuse as being "but a symptom". A symptom of what is what I would like to know.
Going through the steps and I never had some amazing revelation of what was wrong with me. I never had the amazing experience that everyone else talks about and I never felt that freedom of no craving.
I spent my first three or four months in AA (and my sobriety) completely free of anything but gave in after awhile.
You went through step 4 which was identifying your part in everything that "just happened to you" giving you a new perception on yourself and others, in effect getting to know yourself for the first time ever then in step 5 sharing all that stuff with another human being for the first time ever...what a relief that was!
Then skipping forward to step 8 making a list of all people, institutions etc you have ever harmed then step 9 making amends to all those people and institutions meaning that from the day of the last amend you literally have a brand new blank sheet of paper to start life over again without any of the guilt, remource or regret from before...
Is that what you mean by you worked the steps because if so then after finishing the steps you would know yourself, see life as it is and be born again with a fresh start...how after the day that you felt all this and had all this did you descend into what you are describing now? Might be useful to post about it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
If you were on the marijuana and DMX maintenance plan, do you really believe you: "thoroughly followed, completely gave yourself, were rigorously honest, were willing to go to any length, were fearless and thorough, let go absolutely, and/or completely abandoned"? It sounds like what you did in working the steps were "half measures" and we all know what that gets us -- nothing.
Do you really expect the promises of the steps and a spiritual awakening with a joint in one hand and a bottle of cough medicine in the other? Really?
Okay, let's see ... what is wrong with us?
p. 62 "Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity .... "
p. 62 "So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us."
p. 64 "First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestions. Resentment is the number one offender. ... "
p. 64 "For we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically."
All Big Book quotes are from the 1st Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous.
This thing really does work. If we thoroughly follow the path, if we completely give ourselves to this simple program, if we develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty, if we are willing to go to any length, if we are fearless and thorough from the very start, if we let go absolutely, if we completely abandon ourselves ..."
My suggestion to you is to give it another try, and this time follow the directions.
Susan
Do you really expect the promises of the steps and a spiritual awakening with a joint in one hand and a bottle of cough medicine in the other? Really?
Okay, let's see ... what is wrong with us?
p. 62 "Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity .... "
p. 62 "So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us."
p. 64 "First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestions. Resentment is the number one offender. ... "
p. 64 "For we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically."
All Big Book quotes are from the 1st Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous.
This thing really does work. If we thoroughly follow the path, if we completely give ourselves to this simple program, if we develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty, if we are willing to go to any length, if we are fearless and thorough from the very start, if we let go absolutely, if we completely abandon ourselves ..."
My suggestion to you is to give it another try, and this time follow the directions.
Susan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Thank you for your thoughts and your honesty. I appreciate it very much as I think about the lack of my own. I was obviously not completely honest in my program and in my recovery. This Sunday I am starting over with my sponsor so thank you for giving me much to think about until then.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Why don't you befriend a newcomer in the next meeting you attend and see if you can't help them begin the journey of sober living? You will still be doing the work with your sponsor as well I assume.
Nothing gets us sober or keeps us sober better than working with another alcoholic. Don't go to the place in your mind about, "I can't even help myself right now." Teaching is always the best way to learn a subject. I found that when someone else was depending on me to help them I had to behave myself or I was running a risk of fouling up somebody else's sobriety and that scared me into "setting a good example" whether I wanted to or not.
Just my experience.
Jon
Nothing gets us sober or keeps us sober better than working with another alcoholic. Don't go to the place in your mind about, "I can't even help myself right now." Teaching is always the best way to learn a subject. I found that when someone else was depending on me to help them I had to behave myself or I was running a risk of fouling up somebody else's sobriety and that scared me into "setting a good example" whether I wanted to or not.
Just my experience.
Jon
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by Frustriert
Thank you for your thoughts and your honesty. I appreciate it very much as I think about the lack of my own. I was obviously not completely honest in my program and in my recovery. This Sunday I am starting over with my sponsor so thank you for giving me much to think about until then.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The most important thing is that you were honest with your sponsor. And from this you can learn a a lot about your disease and yourself. One of the chief hurdles in getting and staying sober is denial. After putting down the bottle or a drug, it's still active...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
I think I can understand the way you're feeling a bit. Much of the rest of the world believed I was sober for nearly a year before I actually was because I told them I was. (I was a fantastic liar, able to convince others I was on the straight and narrow while simultaneously making them feel guilty for ever even questioning me.)
Ultimately tho, in addition to growing my alcoholism, the lies became nearly as destructive as the using itself in terms of the respect I lost and isolation I gained. It's a humbling process to come clean and work to regain trust, but it's an incredible relief to be able to just look others in the eye and be honest. I wasn't able to grow a bit until I was able to do that. Good luck.
Ultimately tho, in addition to growing my alcoholism, the lies became nearly as destructive as the using itself in terms of the respect I lost and isolation I gained. It's a humbling process to come clean and work to regain trust, but it's an incredible relief to be able to just look others in the eye and be honest. I wasn't able to grow a bit until I was able to do that. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wappingers Falls, NY
Posts: 618
Re:Confessing...
Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne
Seems like you've reached the point where you no longer see any positives in the addictions. That's the point I had to reach before I finally threw in the towel.
So true...Keep hoping, keep praying, Keep believing in miracles until you become one yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Thanks again for the thoughts and advice everyone.
Started down a new path Sunday morning with my new sponsor. I haven't had a sponsor for a long while and my original sponsor and I never really connected. My new sponsor has given me more tools, help and hope in a single morning of talking together than I can even really describe. He has most of all helped me gain a sense of peace in my mind that I've really only ever found by getting drunk or stoned.
This morning I told everything to my home group. Not easy, not enjoyable but it was a step towards getting rid of this and not carrying it anymore.
So thank you again for the words and thoughts.
Started down a new path Sunday morning with my new sponsor. I haven't had a sponsor for a long while and my original sponsor and I never really connected. My new sponsor has given me more tools, help and hope in a single morning of talking together than I can even really describe. He has most of all helped me gain a sense of peace in my mind that I've really only ever found by getting drunk or stoned.
This morning I told everything to my home group. Not easy, not enjoyable but it was a step towards getting rid of this and not carrying it anymore.
So thank you again for the words and thoughts.
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