Why isn't it getting better?!
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Why isn't it getting better?!
Well, I'm over 7 months into what I feel is good, solid recovery... not that I don't have thoughts, occasional cravings, etc... but I can't believe I've made it this far with the current stress in my life. I thought things would get better- not just from my end, but from my husband's too. I thought, "surely he recognizes the work and effort I'm putting into every facet of our lives..."
But no. Example: yesterday was his birthday; he's not a big birthday person, but I got him nearly exactly what he'd asked for with one switch because it was the wrong kind of chair. While we were in the van yesterday, he just flat out said, "I probably won't use it anyway." It was supposed to be a deck chair, and I couldn't find one like he said.
But- I did find other little things and set up everything on the back deck before he woke up, and put his Cokes in a cooler by the chair, and I also built a barrier between the deck and where we keep our garbage cans so he could sit out there and not worry about the garbage.
Some nights he gets tired of making dinner, and will say "It would be so nice if you would just make dinner once in a while", but when I asked an hour ago the response was "I'm just going to run out and get something later. I don't want frozen vegetables and macaroni and cheese (said with disdain of course)".
It's literally like I cannot do a single thing right. No wonder I have had more cravings in the last few weeks... I feel like I'm just sinking lower and lower here. I'm hiding out in my office hoping he goes back to sleep or something.
But no. Example: yesterday was his birthday; he's not a big birthday person, but I got him nearly exactly what he'd asked for with one switch because it was the wrong kind of chair. While we were in the van yesterday, he just flat out said, "I probably won't use it anyway." It was supposed to be a deck chair, and I couldn't find one like he said.
But- I did find other little things and set up everything on the back deck before he woke up, and put his Cokes in a cooler by the chair, and I also built a barrier between the deck and where we keep our garbage cans so he could sit out there and not worry about the garbage.
Some nights he gets tired of making dinner, and will say "It would be so nice if you would just make dinner once in a while", but when I asked an hour ago the response was "I'm just going to run out and get something later. I don't want frozen vegetables and macaroni and cheese (said with disdain of course)".
It's literally like I cannot do a single thing right. No wonder I have had more cravings in the last few weeks... I feel like I'm just sinking lower and lower here. I'm hiding out in my office hoping he goes back to sleep or something.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I have no experience to share on relationships ..I was happily divorced before I was an alcoholic and remained so by choice since recovery.
I think it must be doubley difficult for you as your personal and business lives are so entwined......prayers for your peace..
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I am sorry you are so discouraged. Relationships are hard especially in sobriety.
Congrats on 7 months that is an achievement.
I can only share my experience on my first year of sobriety.
* the person I had moved 2500 miles to be with told me at 3 months sober the only reason I was brought out here was to make the ex jealous and they did not want to be with me anymore.
* At 6 and 3 days sober I had a major accident that left me in the hospital for a month, 4 units of blood, 3 months in a wheelchair, 3 months using a walker, 3 months on crutches, and about 6 months with a cane.
* due to the accident I went from $30/hr to no income and dependent upon friends and the state for a place to live and food to eat. At the time I was raising 3 kids on my own.
* within 2 months of my accident my 14 and 16 y/o decided they were not going to go to school and started bringing drug dealers and drugs into my home.
* Within days of my first year of sobriety I had to make the decision to send those two children to live with their father whom they had not seen in years because I could not manage them any longer.
That was all in my first year of recovery. So yes, I can totally relate to being discouraged and feeling it is not getting better. The only thing I can say is I am glad I stuck it out during those hard times as life did change. In many ways it is better and I would not trade one day of my sobriety for any of the best times I had while drinking.
Hang in there things will change.
Congrats on 7 months that is an achievement.
I can only share my experience on my first year of sobriety.
* the person I had moved 2500 miles to be with told me at 3 months sober the only reason I was brought out here was to make the ex jealous and they did not want to be with me anymore.
* At 6 and 3 days sober I had a major accident that left me in the hospital for a month, 4 units of blood, 3 months in a wheelchair, 3 months using a walker, 3 months on crutches, and about 6 months with a cane.
* due to the accident I went from $30/hr to no income and dependent upon friends and the state for a place to live and food to eat. At the time I was raising 3 kids on my own.
* within 2 months of my accident my 14 and 16 y/o decided they were not going to go to school and started bringing drug dealers and drugs into my home.
* Within days of my first year of sobriety I had to make the decision to send those two children to live with their father whom they had not seen in years because I could not manage them any longer.
That was all in my first year of recovery. So yes, I can totally relate to being discouraged and feeling it is not getting better. The only thing I can say is I am glad I stuck it out during those hard times as life did change. In many ways it is better and I would not trade one day of my sobriety for any of the best times I had while drinking.
Hang in there things will change.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Have you expressed how you feel? There is a good book out there called, "his needs, her needs."
One thing I've learned (in this short time) is that just because we get sober doesn't mean our relationships get fixed. And sometimes when we become sober the relationship we are left with isn't what we thought or want. And this goes for the Alcoholic and the "normie."
I'm thinking a lot of couples need counseling once the alcoholic gets clean. I mean if i think about all the crap my DH and I have to sort through! ugh! It's just one part of the equation in the sobriety journey.
His side comments tell me that he has some resentments. I could be wrong as I don't pretend to know your situation but those can hurt any relationship.
Hang in there.
One thing I've learned (in this short time) is that just because we get sober doesn't mean our relationships get fixed. And sometimes when we become sober the relationship we are left with isn't what we thought or want. And this goes for the Alcoholic and the "normie."
I'm thinking a lot of couples need counseling once the alcoholic gets clean. I mean if i think about all the crap my DH and I have to sort through! ugh! It's just one part of the equation in the sobriety journey.
His side comments tell me that he has some resentments. I could be wrong as I don't pretend to know your situation but those can hurt any relationship.
Hang in there.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,883
So sorry things are going bad in your relationship. I too have had a sober...well a few sober relationships. When I was intoxicated all the time I would not notice the small things that indicate a much larger problem...not saying that is the case for you.
Sobriety brought about a fearlessly inquisitive mind that would speak to any real or imagery concerns I had with my partner. How things got right in the open with this attitude made life so much...clearer...maybe...open...yes all out in the open. Bare and addressable...a welcome relativity form the usual hide and seek world that was me in addiction.
Sobriety brought about a fearlessly inquisitive mind that would speak to any real or imagery concerns I had with my partner. How things got right in the open with this attitude made life so much...clearer...maybe...open...yes all out in the open. Bare and addressable...a welcome relativity form the usual hide and seek world that was me in addiction.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
One of the most difficult concepts for me to grasp in the first couple years of my sobriety was that there are a whole myriad of life issues that have no relation to drinking. This seems so grossly unfair from our viewpoint as a struggling alcoholic who is doing everything we can to get and stay sober. This struggle may be the biggest challenge that we ever face in our lives. We feel like we "deserve" some consideration for our efforts, "don't you know how terribly hard this is for me?"
Believe me, if I were King there would be those rewards and more, but alas it isn't the way life works. I got sober after living with a wonderful woman who put up with my drunkenness and finally began an affair a few months before I made the decision to stop. I did stop, (so far for almost 12 years), but she chose not to stop the affair. I was stunned and very hurt, “damn it” here I was sober and it was a huge struggle to stay that way. I just knew that I deserved her return to me and our life. It just wasn't the thing that she wanted. We are still very close friends but we separated a few months into my sobriety.
Life has gone on and I stayed sober, her lover died and she thought a couple of years later we should reunite. Just wasn't what the Gods intended and you know what, it was probably the best thing for everybody, except the poor dead boyfriend of course!
Regardless of other's responses to our life when aren't drinking we are always going to have a better life without the booze if we are alcoholic. That is the only thing I am sure of.
GETTING SOBER ISN"T SOMETHING THAT WE CAN USE TO BARGIN WITH THE UNIVERSE FOR A REWARD. IT IS SIMPLY ITS OWN REWARD.
My best wishes for you and everything that you want, I really mean that, but accept the fact that your sober life is simply your gift to you.
Jon
Believe me, if I were King there would be those rewards and more, but alas it isn't the way life works. I got sober after living with a wonderful woman who put up with my drunkenness and finally began an affair a few months before I made the decision to stop. I did stop, (so far for almost 12 years), but she chose not to stop the affair. I was stunned and very hurt, “damn it” here I was sober and it was a huge struggle to stay that way. I just knew that I deserved her return to me and our life. It just wasn't the thing that she wanted. We are still very close friends but we separated a few months into my sobriety.
Life has gone on and I stayed sober, her lover died and she thought a couple of years later we should reunite. Just wasn't what the Gods intended and you know what, it was probably the best thing for everybody, except the poor dead boyfriend of course!
Regardless of other's responses to our life when aren't drinking we are always going to have a better life without the booze if we are alcoholic. That is the only thing I am sure of.
GETTING SOBER ISN"T SOMETHING THAT WE CAN USE TO BARGIN WITH THE UNIVERSE FOR A REWARD. IT IS SIMPLY ITS OWN REWARD.
My best wishes for you and everything that you want, I really mean that, but accept the fact that your sober life is simply your gift to you.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Jfanagle, you wrote in one of your posts something to the effect that no matter how bad the situation you just ask yourself if getting drunk will make it better. I found that to be true 100% of the time, alcohol will take a terrible situation and make that even worse. Simple concept, but so true.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Originally Posted by Jfanagle 
BackToSquareOne
I just was reading your profile and if I read it correctly, congratulations on 4 years.
Jon
I just was reading your profile and if I read it correctly, congratulations on 4 years.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Sunrise1, what I found out is that when we give up our addictions life still comes at us full throttle, it doesn't get put on hold because we're recovering. Other people in our life don't really change that much either. Without the crutch of alcohol we can get more passionate about the little things but expecting others to join in our new zest for life doesn't always work out so well. Maybe it's just that you changed but he stayed the same....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((sunrise1)))))
I hate to say this, but sometimes our spouses or significant others, do not do well with change.
In truth our growth and change scares the begeesus out of them!!!!!
I would say for right now, continue to concentrate on your OWN recovery, get at least your 1 year chip, and then take a closer look at your relationship.
Right now it sounds like his sarcasm and 'snide' remarks are either a conscious or sub conscious effort to control you and keep you the way your were. Whether it is a 'control' issue or just fear, only time will tell.
Get that year chip, then look at your relationship again, decide whether you feel 'couples counseling' might help or not.
IN the meantime, we are here for you. When things seem rough, think of whatever room you are in just ABSOLUTELY FILLED with all of us from SR. We cannot be there in the physical sense, but we are with you in the spiritual sense.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
I hate to say this, but sometimes our spouses or significant others, do not do well with change.
In truth our growth and change scares the begeesus out of them!!!!!
I would say for right now, continue to concentrate on your OWN recovery, get at least your 1 year chip, and then take a closer look at your relationship.
Right now it sounds like his sarcasm and 'snide' remarks are either a conscious or sub conscious effort to control you and keep you the way your were. Whether it is a 'control' issue or just fear, only time will tell.
Get that year chip, then look at your relationship again, decide whether you feel 'couples counseling' might help or not.
IN the meantime, we are here for you. When things seem rough, think of whatever room you are in just ABSOLUTELY FILLED with all of us from SR. We cannot be there in the physical sense, but we are with you in the spiritual sense.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by sunrise1
... I thought things would get better- not just from my end, but from my husband's too.
"Want to feel like you always get your own way - Don't have one".
-Bob Darrel
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by sunrise1
Well, I'm over 7 months into what I feel is good, solid recovery... not that I don't have thoughts, occasional cravings, etc... but I can't believe I've made it this far with the current stress in my life. I thought things would get better- not just from my end, but from my husband's too. I thought, "surely he recognizes the work and effort I'm putting into every facet of our lives..."
But no. Example: yesterday was his birthday; he's not a big birthday person, but I got him nearly exactly what he'd asked for with one switch because it was the wrong kind of chair. While we were in the van yesterday, he just flat out said, "I probably won't use it anyway." It was supposed to be a deck chair, and I couldn't find one like he said.
But- I did find other little things and set up everything on the back deck before he woke up, and put his Cokes in a cooler by the chair, and I also built a barrier between the deck and where we keep our garbage cans so he could sit out there and not worry about the garbage.
Some nights he gets tired of making dinner, and will say "It would be so nice if you would just make dinner once in a while", but when I asked an hour ago the response was "I'm just going to run out and get something later. I don't want frozen vegetables and macaroni and cheese (said with disdain of course)".
It's literally like I cannot do a single thing right. No wonder I have had more cravings in the last few weeks... I feel like I'm just sinking lower and lower here. I'm hiding out in my office hoping he goes back to sleep or something.
But no. Example: yesterday was his birthday; he's not a big birthday person, but I got him nearly exactly what he'd asked for with one switch because it was the wrong kind of chair. While we were in the van yesterday, he just flat out said, "I probably won't use it anyway." It was supposed to be a deck chair, and I couldn't find one like he said.
But- I did find other little things and set up everything on the back deck before he woke up, and put his Cokes in a cooler by the chair, and I also built a barrier between the deck and where we keep our garbage cans so he could sit out there and not worry about the garbage.
Some nights he gets tired of making dinner, and will say "It would be so nice if you would just make dinner once in a while", but when I asked an hour ago the response was "I'm just going to run out and get something later. I don't want frozen vegetables and macaroni and cheese (said with disdain of course)".
It's literally like I cannot do a single thing right. No wonder I have had more cravings in the last few weeks... I feel like I'm just sinking lower and lower here. I'm hiding out in my office hoping he goes back to sleep or something.
How long have you folks been married?
7 months is really great progress. It really is, in fact beating it on a month by month benchmark is really good!
Our body retains memory and solutions that alleviate us best. That's why we have cravings, because in our memory, we know that drinking can soothe us. However, memory isn't like a hard drive where you can simply delete this conditioning. So it does take a challenge.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I so understand where you are coming from. I am in the same boat. It should be easy, all we want is some attention from our other and some pad on the shoulder saying thank you. I am realizing I actually scared my partner when I finished drinking (yes not stopped, finished) he did not know why I was staying with him, since I lost weight, looked good and felt sexy (still do). I fit in new pants etc, came from a size 16 down to a size 8. I completely changed. His response was mostly to be grumpy and get more and more grumpy. The reason, he is insecure and feels worthless, so he tries to make you feel misserable to go back to the old pattern. However with lot of reassurance he will get over it and enjoy the new sober you (and hot you)....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Just this morning I was thinking about how it took 14 years for the relationship with my wife to become calcified the way it has, and how it's not going to be all fine and dandy within a few months of me being a different person. It'll take some time and lots of little steps.
It's a little like stopping drinking and expecting to be feeling great within a week. Before I stopped I figured it was possible but once I got into the process it was like, "whoa dumbass, you should have expected that it would take a few months for your body and brain to re-calibrate." Well, my relationship with my wife is going to take some communication, concentration on the little things, and trust-building if I want to get it back to the good old days.
My guess is your husband can't let go of a few hard feelings from back in your drinking days and this is him acting out a bit. Give him a little time and keep doing what you have to do to show him you're a different person. Maybe even ask him what you could be doing better.
It's a little like stopping drinking and expecting to be feeling great within a week. Before I stopped I figured it was possible but once I got into the process it was like, "whoa dumbass, you should have expected that it would take a few months for your body and brain to re-calibrate." Well, my relationship with my wife is going to take some communication, concentration on the little things, and trust-building if I want to get it back to the good old days.
My guess is your husband can't let go of a few hard feelings from back in your drinking days and this is him acting out a bit. Give him a little time and keep doing what you have to do to show him you're a different person. Maybe even ask him what you could be doing better.
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