1undone

And so it continues.... I am sorry, some of you have probably read posts from me just like this but I don't know what else to do when I'm trapped at work being my own worst enemy! I can't get thoughts of drinking out of my mind right now. I have a meeting tonight and I am going to bring this up when the time is appropriate but for now I'm feeling tortured by my own thoughts.

I know I can't drink and that all that will come of it is sadness, depression, anger, embarrassment, etc. but if it was in front of me right at this very moment I'd down it! Just being honest.

My job is boring, my body makes me embarrassed and frustrated (I need to lose 30lbs), I can't figure out my likes and dislikes, I'm aloof and irritable at home. I don't like me so how can anyone else????

My husband is to hyper around me and it makes me want to scream. He talks about the future incessently and at times reminds me of a puppet master. All weekend he ran around the house doing stuff and sat for like an hour. I felt like (and I know it was me) he was constantly asking me questions and talking!!! I wanted to scream. I love him but he's a robot I just know it!

I am not sure what the point is here. I am just this ongoing pile of angst and irritability. I want to have peace and chill, my nerves are at an all time firing point. I feel like I need to hide or something!

Boleo

Shortly after getting sober I took a job as a OverTheRoad truck driver. I found it to be both frightening and boring. In addition to being one of the worst jobs I ever had, I was stuck out of town 13 days out of every 2 weeks. I found it almost impossible to make any recovery meetings. I though I was doomed.

Fortunately I had learned to meditate ZaZen style a few months before that. It gave me the mini vacations that I needed to get out of my Monkey mind, that I thought only a liter of vodka could provide.

bellakeller

Sometimes I think of my brain as an annoying pet. I just have to pat it on the head and tell it to go lay down in the corner.

Relax. Breathe. Going nuts right now and copping out is not going to serve you so just try and take a breather. Maybe the situation your husband is like I do with my kids. I tell them that mommy needs a timeout and just take a chill for a few minutes until I can trust myself to get back in the game. Maybe you could ask your husband for a bit of alone time.

Me sober; I am not my favorite person to be around. Maybe I'd enjoy hanging around with myself if I was Jesus or Oprah or someone like that, but unfortunately I am neither. Me drunk is much worse, though - so I just gotta fake it until I get comfortable in my own skin.

It's hard sometimes and I am sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel. I also know it will pass.

Much love.

TheJungianThing

Brought back memories there, thanks. I was told I could memorize the Third Step Prayer to keep my mind occupied, so I did that. It became a mantra. That and the serenity prayer. Catholics have the rosary, I'd say an Our Father, a Serenity Prayer, and ten Third Step prayers, over and over again. Under my breath at work, in the car on the way home, then get to a meeting where I felt safe and some relief. I felt a power greater than me there. I mean I felt it. The moment I'd see "Ole Jerry", Mr. "If you're look for sympathy it's in between **** and syphillis in the dictionary" lol.

I don't know, I felt so - lucky,there was hope. These guys could relate to what I was experiencing, I knew they could, and yet they'd moved beyond that. Soon I would too.

Resltessness, irritabiliy and discontentedness comes and goes - still. But I've found the spiritual tools I've been given work when they're applied.

Hang in there. "this too shall pass".

Zencat

That was a very real concern of mine when I entered recovery; life will be barren of fun, meaningless, sorrowful, purposeless and the list goes on. Then the urges to use...oh man how I had to dismiss them and let them go. Plagued by my very own mind...madness it was like. Canceling thought after thought of using.

Well after having a treatment plan...those crazy making times are over. Urges, cravings and hidden wants that come out of nowhere are shot down with my harden intention to be sober...no matter what.

Nope...my steel resolve didn't happen over night. I had to train my mind so that my thoughts were my friends and not the enemy waiting to take me down that disastrous road of drunkenness and debauchery.

least

My anxiety, both mental and physical, was off the scale for a few weeks after getting sober. It just takes a little time for your brain/body to get used to functioning sober. Hang in there, it does get better.

nandm

I compared the constant chatter in my head to a hamster on a wheel. Thinking of it that way helped me realize that it was just pointless chatter that was only spinning around not changing anything or making it better. It made it easier for me when I was able to view it this way. No it did not make it go away but it gave me the ability to see it for what it was and laugh about it. Today I still sometimes get that hamster running around in my head but I know it does ease with time and will go away. It is no where near as bad as it was in early sobriety. Hang in there it will ease up the longer you hang onto sobriety.

erikm02

Like someone else said try meditation if you can

Good luck!

Latte

When my mind starts to spin, I wear out my body. A little workout does wonders and took off a ton of weight. The Couch to 5K was a great way to start. I have an app on my iphone but if you look it up you can do it for free with just a watch.

Anna

It sounds to me like it might be helpful for you to set some boundaries for yourself.

If you need some quiet and alone time on the weekend, then talk to your husband and let him know what you need and stick with it. You might end up enjoying your time together more, if you have some 'me' time as well.

instant

Is there something you can do that puts you on your own for a period, and he is less likely to invade your space eg ironing, weeding, having a bath?

maybe the thoughts in our head are just like ads on the TV, we do not have to engage with them/it.

Hang in there- it may be messy, may not feel good right now- but it is progress

BackToSquareOne

This sounds counter intuitive but I've always found exercise to be one of the best ways to reduce stress. Meditation is always good as is incorporating mindfulness in our daily affairs. I started a thread here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2986732
on various self help methods, there's some meditation stuff at the bottom of that page.

1undone

Thanks all, I'm noticing that it's around 1PM every day the chatting in my head begins and is relentless until about 6 or 7. Like right about now I'm thinking, "well, I'm okay why can't I drink?" Or "Just this one last time won't hurt and no one will know accept me." "hummm can I live with keeping the secret that I drank?" "thought I'd lose weight not drinking, I seem to be gaining, what's the point?" "Will my son know and then tell my husband?" "If I drink after my husband calls me tonight (he's out of town) he will never know."

Okay, so those are just a few of the crazy alcoholic thoughts racing around in my little brain! And I mean a few. I am riddled with them all afternoon. So that's probably when I post the most here.

It's amazing what this liquid has done to the wiring in my brain. I have a rational side and an irriational alcoholic side. They fight all afternoon and I'm exhausted. I know, "this too shall pass." BUT EVERY DAY! I feel like I'm getting tortured by my own friggin brain and I have no control over it. Those that say I do baffle me. I'm truly being honest here. I don't feel I have control over my thoughts.

Kjell

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

I'm an AA'er, so please understand this involves a "12 step" thought process.

I literally set an alarm on my outlook, to remind me to go into the bathroom every two hours (I use the bathroom b/c it's a "single" and I can close the door and be alone).

I pray and take 10 deep breaths, trying my best to be silent in my thoughts and listen to God's will. (I'm actually practicing meditation here).

I then do something for someone else. Even if it's taking out the trash, or wiping down the counter in the kitchen.

Doing this, throughout the day accomplishes many things - it gets my mind quiet, it gets me out of my own head, and it stops all crazy thoughts from building and building and building.

Think about stopping those thoughts before they can even occur.

Kjell~

kiki5711

:rotfxko:rotfxko

DayTrader

Undone.....

In discussing the spiritual and mental aspects of alcoholism (aka: the spiritual malady) the AA Book uses the terms "irritable, restless and discontent" to describe how an alcoholic feels unless he can experience the ease and comfort which comes almost immediately after drinking that next first drink.

I see a lot of that in your post......irritability, restlessness and discontentedness. Now, before you take that as a judgment.......it's really just an observation......and it's really just a warning. It sounds like you're dealing with the same "hand" that every alcoholic I know was dealt. Sure, drinking caused a lot of problems (OWIs, physical sickness, depression, jails, court issues, etc) but "not drinking" doesn't seem to make life all that much better. As a matter of fact, "not drinking" is what has alllllllllllways bothered me so much that eventually I'll drink again.

Fortunately, there's some stuff you can do to get past all that, to get to the point where everything in your post becomes far less powerful in your life. For me......it was the sort of things you posted about........continually bearing down on me.......days and weeks into "not drinking" that convinced me that "not drinking" wasn't enough of a solution for me.

lol.......you haven't lived until you've contemplated suicide when sober - it's a wonderfully horrible experience. That's what did if for me though.....hitting bottom spiritually and emotionally while not drinking to convince me that I needed a better design for living this crazy life. I wasn't all that convinced that I'd have to be a big-time AA member.......but I was so sick of the current "me" that I was willing to just give it a try.

I can tell you.........FOR SURE...........the "challenges" in life have gotten TOUGHER for me.....tougher, bigger, more dangerous, they've hit closer to home and have just been far more unpleasant than anything I dealt with prior to getting sober. The difference now though is that I have a whole new set of tools to apply to my life. A whole new outlook on things. A new source of hope and comfort. I AM a different person......I was changed as a result of the AA recovery process.

I can't tell you that it's my experience that those things "get better." What I can tell you is that YOU can get better......then, when those things crop up (or when the even bigger things down the road crop up) you'll be in much better shape to deal with them - you'll be far better equipped.

DayTrader

For ME.......those thoughts.........the ones I KNEW were dangerous to have.......the ones I KNEW could get me drunk again - they were also thoughts that I didn't seem to consciously start. They seemed to just start on their own. And once they started, as hard as I tried, I couldn't seem to get them to STOP. Then......joy of joys......they'd keep me up at night.....weakening my defenses even more. Heh........THAT'S the stuff they're talking about in the first step (for ME) where it says "...that our lives had become unmanageable." I just could NOT change my thoughts and, historically, I'm a slave to my thoughts and my wants.....not so "manageable" after all. As much as they drove me nuts, all that head-spinning was a gift in that I really started to understand the first step at a deeper level.

rws177

My mind tends to race the most at work as well. I have a “boring” computer desk job and when things get slow here I start to have racing thoughts that are generally negative. I don’t really think about drinking per say but all the bad things in my life and that kind of thought process could easily lead to a first drink which could be deadly.

I try to start thinking of all the good in my life and how after work I am either doing jiujitsu (working out), going to school or an AA meeting. All three seem to balance me out either from a mental or physical stance. Also when work is slow and boring I think about how at least I am at work being a productive member of society as opposed to wasted in my room with the curtains closed feeling sorry for myself.

I’d defiantly recommend finding some kind of workout routine after work to do. Whether it is biking, walking, swimming, running or anything of the sort. It might help unwind the nerves and help with the frustration you are feeling about your body. Plus the other night I asked my training partner why he trains 4 days a week and he said “It’s either that or spend time with my wife” lol. Granted I would really like to have a loving partner or wife but time apart is important too!

yeahgr8

Ah the racing head...is it remind me of what sobriety has given me day on SR or what?

That f***ing chatter and noise, non-stop rubbish...on and on it would go, close your eyes to try and block it out and it's like a locomotive passing through, brushing hair, on the toilet, in the shower, driving to work, at work, "talking" to people, watching television and the best one...going to sleep!

So glad i haven't had that since about 3 months sober after doing the work in AA...

I'd honestly forgotten how bad it was until i read this post, that was less than 2 years ago...seems like a lifetime ago...

Oh yeah, sorry , the solution is go to AA, get a sponsor, work the steps and it goes...takes about 3 months to do that and you can do it "part-time" kind of time it would take to do an intro to spanish course but this is an intro to a normal, healthy existence:-)

Zencat

Your post is reminding me of those early days of being off alcohol...my mind was in a mess...I was absolutely miserable.

I had two minds, one wanted a drink/drug and would do everything in its power to get me loaded. The other mind wanted the madness of addiction to stop and was in the early stages of doing everything to keep me sober.

As my sober mind gained strength from my addiction treatment plan. My other mind that wanting to use, became weaken from lack attention and having its wants denied.

It did not happen over night. It got better when I worked on being better. SMART Recovery has some recovery tools that can make a good treatment plan...making it all better.