Second Wind
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Second Wind
Today is day 50. To say that my life is enormously better these days seems almost a silly thing to do for its sheer obviousness. The sun rises and sets as it always has, and life carries on in its infinite messiness. The difference today is that I am able to actually show up to each day, clear headed and relatively unencumbered, and choose my battles. My efforts are aligned with my intentions, rather than being thoughtless, reflexive, Hail Mary plays designed to preserve and protect my habit at all cost. I've recently started to address some of the tough stuff - the stuff that stirs my sleep, makes me cringe, and keeps me frozen. It is intense, it is uncomfortable, and it isn't easy. But it is worthwhile.
My past is still written all over my current life, but I am finding that if I just shift my perspective slightly, I can accept the hole that I've dug and focus my energies on engineering a climb out, instead of just hanging around at the bottom and obsessing over the depth of my descent. There is even some odd fun in the challenges these days, to be honest. It's actually kind of interesting to see how I manage to perform in the face of adversity when I am truly trying, rather than collapsing into a bender at the first flinch of stress because I am just too awesome to care. I may not win every battle, but I grow.
Up until quite recently, I wasn't sure how long I'd stick out this turn at sobriety. There is little question in mind now that this is the only way that I want to live. I've started to tell friends and even a few close colleagues with whom I frequently travel & dine that this is how it is from here on out, that I simply don't & won't drink; all have accepted, respected and even celebrated this decision. It was no secret, apparently, that I needed to stop.
My past is still written all over my current life, but I am finding that if I just shift my perspective slightly, I can accept the hole that I've dug and focus my energies on engineering a climb out, instead of just hanging around at the bottom and obsessing over the depth of my descent. There is even some odd fun in the challenges these days, to be honest. It's actually kind of interesting to see how I manage to perform in the face of adversity when I am truly trying, rather than collapsing into a bender at the first flinch of stress because I am just too awesome to care. I may not win every battle, but I grow.
Up until quite recently, I wasn't sure how long I'd stick out this turn at sobriety. There is little question in mind now that this is the only way that I want to live. I've started to tell friends and even a few close colleagues with whom I frequently travel & dine that this is how it is from here on out, that I simply don't & won't drink; all have accepted, respected and even celebrated this decision. It was no secret, apparently, that I needed to stop.
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NC, that is awesome conviction. The travels maybe where difficult in maintaining sobriety and now that you have openly spoken to a few of your co-workers and friends the support is there; which will be good for your recovery. Glad you are here and cherish your sobriety.
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NobleCause I loved your analogy of the metaphorical hole you dug and how it's your choice to hang around at the bottom or engineer a plan to climb out.
At the bottom of my hole I had a lot of company, I got to hang out with Apathy....Grief....Fear.... Lust....Anger.... my old buddy Pride even dropped by every so often to liven up the party. If things started to get too painful their friends, Alcohol and Drugs were always on speed dial to keep it real.
The climb out is where it gets interesting. Seems that there's no high speed elevator to wisk you away back to the top. All I can come up with is a long, slow slog out of the hole. Just observing how I handle the day to day stuff with my new game plan is like a play that gets rewritten every day.
What I visualize at the top of my hole is peace, not really sure what that will look like if I ever get there but then again the real fun is usually in the journey. The only tools in my new bag of tricks are courage and acceptance so I'm traveling kind of light. Always brightens up my day to read your stuff N/C.
At the bottom of my hole I had a lot of company, I got to hang out with Apathy....Grief....Fear.... Lust....Anger.... my old buddy Pride even dropped by every so often to liven up the party. If things started to get too painful their friends, Alcohol and Drugs were always on speed dial to keep it real.
The climb out is where it gets interesting. Seems that there's no high speed elevator to wisk you away back to the top. All I can come up with is a long, slow slog out of the hole. Just observing how I handle the day to day stuff with my new game plan is like a play that gets rewritten every day.
What I visualize at the top of my hole is peace, not really sure what that will look like if I ever get there but then again the real fun is usually in the journey. The only tools in my new bag of tricks are courage and acceptance so I'm traveling kind of light. Always brightens up my day to read your stuff N/C.
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Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne 
All I can come up with is a long, slow slog out of the hole. Just observing how I handle the day to day stuff with my new game plan is like a play that gets rewritten every day.
Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne
Always brightens up my day to read your stuff N/C.
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Something that ties in nicely with this topic is learning to be open minded and non judgmental. You do this by bringing into your conscious awareness each day that you will look at everything with an open mind and not attach a right or wrong lable to it unless it's necessary.
If you don't judge every thought and accept that it's "just a thought" you will take the emotional charge out of it and your mind will be less cluttered up with all the excess baggage. In the course of an average day try to look at how many things you pass judgement on that have no real importance in your life.
Let go of the past as best you can and accept the fact that you can not change it. Refuse to rejudge your past decisions as you can not undo them. Keep your focus in the present, be there and watch the moments unfold with childlike awe. Unclutter your mind.
If you practice these things on a daily basis you will develop a more quiet mind. The chatter and racing thoughts will subside. It takes some effort but it does work.
If you don't judge every thought and accept that it's "just a thought" you will take the emotional charge out of it and your mind will be less cluttered up with all the excess baggage. In the course of an average day try to look at how many things you pass judgement on that have no real importance in your life.
Let go of the past as best you can and accept the fact that you can not change it. Refuse to rejudge your past decisions as you can not undo them. Keep your focus in the present, be there and watch the moments unfold with childlike awe. Unclutter your mind.
If you practice these things on a daily basis you will develop a more quiet mind. The chatter and racing thoughts will subside. It takes some effort but it does work.
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Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne
Let go of the past as best you can and accept the fact that you can not change it. Refuse to rejudge your past decisions as you can not undo them. Keep your focus in the present, be there and watch the moments unfold with childlike awe. Unclutter your mind.
Acceptance is the antidote, and some days demand more than others. Today was a difficult, frustrating, kick in the teeth sort of day, and there will be others like it in the future. But as long as I can get thru it and not drink, even when drinking is the only thing that makes sense to me in the moment, I am practicing acceptance in the most radical way that I can. Acceptance and peace with the past come more easily on the graceful, serene days infused with meaning and poignancy. It is a longer reach on the unforgiving ones.
So tonite, I won't ignite a bender under the guise of one coping cocktail, but I will throw on some sneakers and go running til I've pounded the futility of the day fully out of my system. I'll come back and the past will still be inflexible, the things that I wish could be changed won't be. But I'll be sober, and I'll be in a better place to refocus my energies and intentions on this moment and the next. And that will be enough.
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Re:Second Wind
Hi, NobelCause.
I hear your cries and feel your pain. My past was riddled with the same unpleasantness, the stench of alcohol in its most humiliating form. There is a certain stigma that attaches itself to our frail underbellies as it preys on our vulnerabilities like vultures circling their next meal. My disease wants nothing more than to tear a couple more holes in my safety net, as I plummet further down into the pit of despair. The only way to climb out of this deep hole called disillusionment is to inch my way forward one step at a time.
The adversity we overcome can be our victory lap minus the drama. We should inch forward in small yet decisive ways, not lingering around in our own misery for way to long. We must fight the good fight and keep our aim high despite the casual interruptions from time to time.. We must be willing to part ways with our old selves by starting anew, carrying forth a decree to renew our resolve and stimulate our character. We must climb aboard the good ship called hope, and set course for a brand new adventure beyond the stained clad clouds of our alcoholic past. I pray for those people who haven’t experienced life as it is meant to be in sobriety just yet, with the hope that they will, here and now -one day at a time.
~God bless~
I hear your cries and feel your pain. My past was riddled with the same unpleasantness, the stench of alcohol in its most humiliating form. There is a certain stigma that attaches itself to our frail underbellies as it preys on our vulnerabilities like vultures circling their next meal. My disease wants nothing more than to tear a couple more holes in my safety net, as I plummet further down into the pit of despair. The only way to climb out of this deep hole called disillusionment is to inch my way forward one step at a time.
The adversity we overcome can be our victory lap minus the drama. We should inch forward in small yet decisive ways, not lingering around in our own misery for way to long. We must fight the good fight and keep our aim high despite the casual interruptions from time to time.. We must be willing to part ways with our old selves by starting anew, carrying forth a decree to renew our resolve and stimulate our character. We must climb aboard the good ship called hope, and set course for a brand new adventure beyond the stained clad clouds of our alcoholic past. I pray for those people who haven’t experienced life as it is meant to be in sobriety just yet, with the hope that they will, here and now -one day at a time.
~God bless~
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Lately I've been hustling pretty fiercely to scrape my life back together, and it's becoming apparent that I've perhaps begun to get a bit overwhelmed. Work is getting to me, partly because of a power play I made a few weeks ago that brought with it a boatload more managerial and project responsibilities (and therefore more hours), and partly because I had to lay off some people this week, something I hate and have a hard time doing. Not a good week for my guilt complex. To unwind, I've been overtraining for a triathlon, staying out late every night, and, in the insomniac hours, shopping superfluously online and buying airline tickets to wherever looks awesome at the time. My free time is currently booked clear thru September. Drinking or not, I apparently have a tough time with moderation and little idea of how to manage my life healthily.
At this point, I'm stressed out of my gourd, fried from barely sleeping, and on my way to becoming a first class workaholic. There's booze in my office, courtesy of a new client, and booze in my home, courtesy of the houseguest I'm putting up for the rest of the week. Suddenly, sobriety is starting to feel again like a struggle. I'm trying to be cool, and I'm not drinking, but I'm noticing the bottles around me. For the past couple of days, my mind has again been lusting for the buzz, looking for a break, and doing its dodgy best to justify an out. I'm going to stay sober if it kills me, I know in my bones that I really just have to, and I am aware that the burn of this urge will not last forever... Just a week ago, I felt pretty stinkin' content and solidly on the mend. A handful of maddening days later and I am tracing bottles with my fingertips and just hanging on. This too shall pass, eh?
(Apologies for the rant, just needed this out of my head.)
At this point, I'm stressed out of my gourd, fried from barely sleeping, and on my way to becoming a first class workaholic. There's booze in my office, courtesy of a new client, and booze in my home, courtesy of the houseguest I'm putting up for the rest of the week. Suddenly, sobriety is starting to feel again like a struggle. I'm trying to be cool, and I'm not drinking, but I'm noticing the bottles around me. For the past couple of days, my mind has again been lusting for the buzz, looking for a break, and doing its dodgy best to justify an out. I'm going to stay sober if it kills me, I know in my bones that I really just have to, and I am aware that the burn of this urge will not last forever... Just a week ago, I felt pretty stinkin' content and solidly on the mend. A handful of maddening days later and I am tracing bottles with my fingertips and just hanging on. This too shall pass, eh?
(Apologies for the rant, just needed this out of my head.)
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N/C, you seem to have been around the block with alcohol more than once. The end result of another binge/bender is so predictable. You know that if you buy the alcohol ticket you can't just get off at the enjoyable buzz part so why even entertain the thought?
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Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne
N/C, you seem to have been around the block with alcohol more than once. The end result of another binge/bender is so predictable. You know that if you buy the alcohol ticket you can't just get off at the enjoyable buzz part so why even entertain the thought?
I'll be cool, really, I just needed to hash out some of the chatter in my mind. Perhaps thinking of giving AA another shot as it'd be nice to have something to draw on at times like these, but at the very least I'm taking a couple of days off this week to relax and recalibrate. I'll be good as new in no time.
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