Two recent realisations
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
Two recent realisations
Hello All,
I’ve posted here before a couple of times, and read here every day.
Here’s how I used to be, and still fantasize about being:
• A high-achiever
• Articulate and sociable
• Classy
• Healthy, eating well and exercising
• Neat and tidy
• Non-smoker
Here’s how I am:
• Drink vodka every evening alone (except when I am at my boyfriend’s, where I drink with him) smoking
• At entry level in my company and never been promoted (and worked there for 12 years)
• Isolated – communicate with the few friends left only ‘virtually’
• No interest in anything, no drive, numb
• Eat the same thing every day for more years than I can remember, no exercise, don’t clean, no interest in clothes…
• Forgotten how to converse – forget everything
• Etc
I’ve only realised in the last month or so that drinking like this for most of my adult life (I’m 37, so about 17 years) is why the first set of bullets above has become the second set. In other words, alcohol does not only have immediate consequences when you are drinking it (and doesn’t even have those for me – nothing dramatic ever happened) - it has subtle, gradual, devastating, imperceptible long-term consequences on every aspect of your life, including the parts that don’t involve actually drinking.
I believe that alcohol itself prevented me from seeing this.
This morning I had my weekly session with my counsellor – who I proactively undertook to see due to, er, the numbness and static nature of my life. At the end of the session, she staged a mini intervention. She told me that unless I stop drinking I am wasting my time with her, nothing will change or advance. She told me that it is bad and serious and unhealthy. She wants me to see a psychiatrist specialised in this, and maybe even go to a clinic – whatever it takes. Bye bye all my ‘it’s not that bad’ thoughts.
I am shocked and I am scared. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I hadn’t realised already what she said. But… this is REAL. The issue has been forced. It’s out there. There’s no place to hide. And I don’t know myself or even remember much of myself before I was 20.
Thanks for reading and I would love to read any thoughts anyone has.
BeeBizzy
I’ve posted here before a couple of times, and read here every day.
Here’s how I used to be, and still fantasize about being:
• A high-achiever
• Articulate and sociable
• Classy
• Healthy, eating well and exercising
• Neat and tidy
• Non-smoker
Here’s how I am:
• Drink vodka every evening alone (except when I am at my boyfriend’s, where I drink with him) smoking
• At entry level in my company and never been promoted (and worked there for 12 years)
• Isolated – communicate with the few friends left only ‘virtually’
• No interest in anything, no drive, numb
• Eat the same thing every day for more years than I can remember, no exercise, don’t clean, no interest in clothes…
• Forgotten how to converse – forget everything
• Etc
I’ve only realised in the last month or so that drinking like this for most of my adult life (I’m 37, so about 17 years) is why the first set of bullets above has become the second set. In other words, alcohol does not only have immediate consequences when you are drinking it (and doesn’t even have those for me – nothing dramatic ever happened) - it has subtle, gradual, devastating, imperceptible long-term consequences on every aspect of your life, including the parts that don’t involve actually drinking.
I believe that alcohol itself prevented me from seeing this.
This morning I had my weekly session with my counsellor – who I proactively undertook to see due to, er, the numbness and static nature of my life. At the end of the session, she staged a mini intervention. She told me that unless I stop drinking I am wasting my time with her, nothing will change or advance. She told me that it is bad and serious and unhealthy. She wants me to see a psychiatrist specialised in this, and maybe even go to a clinic – whatever it takes. Bye bye all my ‘it’s not that bad’ thoughts.
I am shocked and I am scared. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I hadn’t realised already what she said. But… this is REAL. The issue has been forced. It’s out there. There’s no place to hide. And I don’t know myself or even remember much of myself before I was 20.
Thanks for reading and I would love to read any thoughts anyone has.
BeeBizzy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
BB,
I remember that feeling, I was at that point Dec 2009. One week later I was on my way to inpatient treatment. The hardest thing about this process is trusting, accepting that the changes suggested are necessary and good. In my heart of hearts I was most worried about losing myself. I drank so much for so long alcohol wasn't what I did, it was my identity. I could not imagine spending the rest of my days feeling like I did during the final hour of my workday: wanting that drink, looking forward to the physical and psychological relief it would bring. The good news is that is not what sobriety turned out to be. Sure, the first few weeks are a challenge, but the change is amazing.
Look at the first set of bullets, the common thread is admiration of others. Look at the second set, its about lack of self-admiration (self esteem). This is an inside job - and alcohol is your primary obstacle. Tackle it first. If you are able to approach this with honesty, openess to what is suggested, and willingness to actually do what is suggested, you are well on your way to a life yo want to live.
The most surprising part of my recovery now is looking back and understanding that I had no idea I could actually get to where I now am. Hell, I had no idea this even existed. If I listened to my gut reactions and fears ("there is no place to hide" - your old insticts WANT to hide) I would never have made it to this place.
I can only assume that you trust your therapist. I certainly hope so, because if you want your life to improve, you've got to put that trust into action.
Good luck BB, this is the day you've been wiating for.
I remember that feeling, I was at that point Dec 2009. One week later I was on my way to inpatient treatment. The hardest thing about this process is trusting, accepting that the changes suggested are necessary and good. In my heart of hearts I was most worried about losing myself. I drank so much for so long alcohol wasn't what I did, it was my identity. I could not imagine spending the rest of my days feeling like I did during the final hour of my workday: wanting that drink, looking forward to the physical and psychological relief it would bring. The good news is that is not what sobriety turned out to be. Sure, the first few weeks are a challenge, but the change is amazing.
Look at the first set of bullets, the common thread is admiration of others. Look at the second set, its about lack of self-admiration (self esteem). This is an inside job - and alcohol is your primary obstacle. Tackle it first. If you are able to approach this with honesty, openess to what is suggested, and willingness to actually do what is suggested, you are well on your way to a life yo want to live.
The most surprising part of my recovery now is looking back and understanding that I had no idea I could actually get to where I now am. Hell, I had no idea this even existed. If I listened to my gut reactions and fears ("there is no place to hide" - your old insticts WANT to hide) I would never have made it to this place.
I can only assume that you trust your therapist. I certainly hope so, because if you want your life to improve, you've got to put that trust into action.
Good luck BB, this is the day you've been wiating for.
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Originally Posted by Beebizzy 
(alcohol) has subtle, gradual, devastating, imperceptible long-term consequences on every aspect of your life, including the parts that don’t involve actually drinking.
I believe that alcohol itself prevented me from seeing this.
I believe that alcohol itself prevented me from seeing this.
As you so wonderfully describe, during nearly two decades of active addiction I was unknowing killing my soul...call it "death by a million sips".
In many cases, the specific nature and depth of these wounds only became apparent upon cessation of drinking and commencement of an active recovery.
Understanding and feeling my past was and still is powerful, intimidating, and at times overwhelming. Fortunately, my recovery scheme includes specific components designed to guide me through this perfectly natural phase of sobriety.
Glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Beebizzy, on the first list you have :
• A high-achiever
• Articulate and sociable
• Classy
• Healthy, eating well and exercising
• Neat and tidy
• Non-smoker
Take the easier ones first and figure out what you need to do to incorporate them into your life. You won't change overnight but you could do just one thing a day, even if it's only 30 minutes of exercise at first. What I found to be very true is that the less you do the less you feel like doing. Procrastination and depression seem to feed on themselves so you have to try to break the cycle.
What seems to happen with the alcohol is it gradually becomes our biggest outlet for relaxation and it pushes out all the good stuff that we once knew. You do need to stop the drinking to make room for the self improvement. The 2 things are mutually exclusive, it's very hard if not impossible to pursue new goals while you are spending your free time with the vodka.
You might need professional help with the detox depending on how much you were drinking. A psychiatrist is a good idea because they can prescribe meds to help you get through the rough spots in early sobriety and deal with any depression/anxiety issues if you have them.
You seem motivated and that's a good start. Hang in there, stay strong, stay positive and keep moving forward and become the person of your dreams.
• A high-achiever
• Articulate and sociable
• Classy
• Healthy, eating well and exercising
• Neat and tidy
• Non-smoker
Take the easier ones first and figure out what you need to do to incorporate them into your life. You won't change overnight but you could do just one thing a day, even if it's only 30 minutes of exercise at first. What I found to be very true is that the less you do the less you feel like doing. Procrastination and depression seem to feed on themselves so you have to try to break the cycle.
What seems to happen with the alcohol is it gradually becomes our biggest outlet for relaxation and it pushes out all the good stuff that we once knew. You do need to stop the drinking to make room for the self improvement. The 2 things are mutually exclusive, it's very hard if not impossible to pursue new goals while you are spending your free time with the vodka.
You might need professional help with the detox depending on how much you were drinking. A psychiatrist is a good idea because they can prescribe meds to help you get through the rough spots in early sobriety and deal with any depression/anxiety issues if you have them.
You seem motivated and that's a good start. Hang in there, stay strong, stay positive and keep moving forward and become the person of your dreams.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 148
Easier said than done, but focus your energy on getting sober rather than how your life used to be. Do whatever it takes.
It's better late than never to turn your life around. You still have MANY years ahead of you. Good luck
It's better late than never to turn your life around. You still have MANY years ahead of you. Good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Hey BB,
I just wanted to say that I could have written your post! I'll be 37 in a month and was always the classic overachieving, "perfect on the outside" woman. Getting sober is hard but SO worth it. You can be the person you fantasize about being. Once you stop drinking -- and stay stopped -- the path to get there that once seemed invisible is much more clear.
GG
I just wanted to say that I could have written your post! I'll be 37 in a month and was always the classic overachieving, "perfect on the outside" woman. Getting sober is hard but SO worth it. You can be the person you fantasize about being. Once you stop drinking -- and stay stopped -- the path to get there that once seemed invisible is much more clear.
GG
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back...
My thoughts have not altered since I shared on your first thread....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...been-like.html
Good to see you again...
My thoughts have not altered since I shared on your first thread....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...been-like.html
Good to see you again...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
There are other consequnces to drinking other than the usual ones that first come to mind.
When I reflect upon it two of the biggest are
1. lost time
2. missed opportunities
It took me awhile to forgive myself for these.
When I reflect upon it two of the biggest are
1. lost time
2. missed opportunities
It took me awhile to forgive myself for these.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Alcohol is a corrosive acid. It will eat through anything in your life.
Your body, your mind, your friendships, your self esteem, your job, etc.
Quitting is the only way to stop any further damage. The kicker is that once you quit, you do have to look at life - at reality - with a clear head, and it isn't always pretty.
It can get better, though, or at least not worse.
Your body, your mind, your friendships, your self esteem, your job, etc.
Quitting is the only way to stop any further damage. The kicker is that once you quit, you do have to look at life - at reality - with a clear head, and it isn't always pretty.
It can get better, though, or at least not worse.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Beebizzy
I believe that alcohol itself prevented me from seeing this.
IMO the underlying principle in recovery is humility. Not the timid or modest kind. But rather the kind of humility that leads us to the truth about ourselves, our weaknesses and our potential to change.
If you don't like 12 step recovery, try this simple 3 phase process instead. I guarantee your life will change.
1. Learn as much about humility as you can - practice it as much as you can.
2. Learn as much about benevolence as you can - practice it as much as you can.
3. Learn as much about detachment as you can - practice it as much as you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 129
Hi Bee,
Your post touched me so much! I identify with every word you said, and when I read Carol's reply above referencing your other thread I read it too. I was gobsmacked. I could've written every single word (except wine is my drink of choice, though I have hit the vodka too on occasion!)
It really helped me because I was just thinking about starting a thread as I am wondering whether or not I am an alcoholic - my drinking patterns are exactly like yours, i.e. I can take it or leave it sometimes, no problem quitting after a few etc, but I drink alone, isolating myself most nights as you do... So reading your posts here really helped me to see things as they are, and I wanted to thank you for that.
I also want to say, you CAN achieve all the things you have on your 'before' list. You did them before, you have the ability, there is no reason you can't achieve them again. Many people would kill to be able to say they were all those things. It seems like, as you already have realised, that the major thing stopping you is the Demon Drink. So when you get help with that and kick it, all those wonderful qualities you had before can't help but come back into your life. I'd say you'd be amazed at how fabulous your life could be. You are only 37, you're too young to be merely existing rather than living!
Glad you're here, and all the best on your journey. I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for you - I am amazed by the similarities with myself! Take care
Your post touched me so much! I identify with every word you said, and when I read Carol's reply above referencing your other thread I read it too. I was gobsmacked. I could've written every single word (except wine is my drink of choice, though I have hit the vodka too on occasion!)
It really helped me because I was just thinking about starting a thread as I am wondering whether or not I am an alcoholic - my drinking patterns are exactly like yours, i.e. I can take it or leave it sometimes, no problem quitting after a few etc, but I drink alone, isolating myself most nights as you do... So reading your posts here really helped me to see things as they are, and I wanted to thank you for that.
I also want to say, you CAN achieve all the things you have on your 'before' list. You did them before, you have the ability, there is no reason you can't achieve them again. Many people would kill to be able to say they were all those things. It seems like, as you already have realised, that the major thing stopping you is the Demon Drink. So when you get help with that and kick it, all those wonderful qualities you had before can't help but come back into your life. I'd say you'd be amazed at how fabulous your life could be. You are only 37, you're too young to be merely existing rather than living!
Glad you're here, and all the best on your journey. I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for you - I am amazed by the similarities with myself! Take care
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I went to AA when there was nowhere else to turn, when I couldn't hide from the fact my drinking was out of control. The reason we go on drinking despite catastrophic consequences is denial ... it's a major part of the disease of alcoholism. I'll stop tomorrow, I can control my drinking, I don't have a problem ... bla bla bla.
The book Alcoholics Anonymous describes alcoholism as "cunning, baffling and powerful" and I've never seen it better described.
If you're ready to stop drinking one day at a time you'll find tremendous support here.
You have a terrific therapist!
The book Alcoholics Anonymous describes alcoholism as "cunning, baffling and powerful" and I've never seen it better described.
If you're ready to stop drinking one day at a time you'll find tremendous support here.
You have a terrific therapist!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BB,
If you fully recover, you can be better than you were before. Recovery from alcoholism is sorta like being the "Six Million Dollar Man": "We can rebuild (him or her).... Better than (she or he) was before. Better...stronger...faster."
Well, maybe not FASTER, but certainly better and stronger.
If you fully recover, you can be better than you were before. Recovery from alcoholism is sorta like being the "Six Million Dollar Man": "We can rebuild (him or her).... Better than (she or he) was before. Better...stronger...faster."
Well, maybe not FASTER, but certainly better and stronger.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,948
I too realized in the very late stages of my active addiction that the life I was living was a mere shadow of the higher potential I was capable of having in life. Addiction allowed me to settle for less in life, and less and less is what I got. That went on until I had near nothing as for a good standard in living and quality of life.
Having a good addiction treatment plan put me on course for a life free from alcohol and in my case drugs too. In addition to the treatments, as I recovered from addiction, I also set myself to task on making vast self-improvements.
Being a good person and living a good life is well within my capabilities as it is for a great many of people, so long as I keep growing and striving for a better way of live...sober/clean.
Having a good addiction treatment plan put me on course for a life free from alcohol and in my case drugs too. In addition to the treatments, as I recovered from addiction, I also set myself to task on making vast self-improvements.
Being a good person and living a good life is well within my capabilities as it is for a great many of people, so long as I keep growing and striving for a better way of live...sober/clean.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 236
My therapist pushed me to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction and I am SO grateful that she did. I'm starting to get my life back (I used to be many of the things you listed that you used to be and became many of the things you listed that you now were). It's a long process because I made a big mess of things - and I get overwhelmed at times. In fact, I was just realizing today (as I was finally getting around to doing the dishes that had been sitting in my sink for, oh, I dunno, 5 months or so) that I haven't actually been living for the past several years - I've just been existing, getting by. Now I'm actually starting to live my life again and it's really nice. I didn't think my life was worth living for a long time, but I'm starting to come around to the idea that it just might be. Good luck!!
Good luck!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
Hi All,
Many many thanks for all the great replies - I am re-reading and reflecting on all of them, very grateful. I love reading on here.
My counsellor is checking with two psychiatrists if they have availability - if they do, I will definitely be seeing them, there is nothing to decide.
Apologies for the fact that this post was indeed the same as a previous one - go figure... I hadn't realised.
Thanks again for taking the time to post your thoughts,
BB
Many many thanks for all the great replies - I am re-reading and reflecting on all of them, very grateful. I love reading on here.
My counsellor is checking with two psychiatrists if they have availability - if they do, I will definitely be seeing them, there is nothing to decide.
Apologies for the fact that this post was indeed the same as a previous one - go figure... I hadn't realised.
Thanks again for taking the time to post your thoughts,
BB
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm sorry if my link back to your earliest thread caused you any distress...
I wanted you to know I had shared previously with you...therefore my reply on this thread was not going to be long....but wanted you to know I am glad to see you posting again....
I wanted you to know I had shared previously with you...therefore my reply on this thread was not going to be long....but wanted you to know I am glad to see you posting again....
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