checkmate1

So my ex had a messy breakup recently and I haven't spoken to her on the phone or in person in the last 2 and a half years since we broke up.

I've been sober 50 days and I found out today that my best friend and my ex have been talking and went out socially on one occassion during this time I was sober and this is the first time I have got out and felt comfortable socialising again and he tells me this. I didn't tell my friend I was uncomfortable with it and I think it is plain obvious he shouldn't be doing this to me.

She has made it clear to me that she is not interested in me and that is fine with me. We had a relationship of over 6 years and has many more friends than me and it really annoys me that she is hanging out with my married best friend.

They plan to go out again next month and there is nothing sexual in it and just wonder why she is getting reconnected with my friends. I don't get it.... any suggestions or thoughts are welcome as I have noone to talk to about this.

BullDog777

in my book, this goes against the bro code. you don't socialize with your friend's ex without the okie dokie from you.

ok, man code aside....all you can do is express your feelings to your best friend and tell him it's making you uncomfortable. he might get it and back off or tell you it's none of your business. either way, she's no longer in your life and you have to weigh how uncomfortable you are with this in relationship to your friendship with your friend. is it worth losing your buddy over? only you can decide how much this is effecting you.

checkmate1

yes bulldog this is what I was thinking.....definitely against the bro code he hasn't told me until today. It doesn't change our friendship but newly sober and telling me this was unbelievable to me. I think its dumbness on his part but I'm not going to say anything. I think he sympathises with the messy breakup she had and he's not blunt enough to leave her be.

NYCDoglvr

If that happened to me I'd feel down about it, even if I never wanted to see my ex again. It would be difficult to go back to the same friendship ... that would alter it. I suggest asking your friend never to talk about it to you ..........

Ranger

Epic matrimonial code fail.

Mark75

It does not concern you anymore... Righteous indignation certainly seems appropriate and all... Broke the bro code... But this isn't about you. Making it about you will only threaten your emerging sobriety and recovery... Detach!! Wish them well, for your own sake, not theirs.

You don't have to stay friends or anything, but your resentment will only hurt you.

Congrats on your 50 days!!

Zebra1275

You best friends wife should be more concerned. Your ex may be on the rebound and your best friend might offer a soft shoulder to cry on, which could lead to something else.

Ultimately you can't control what other people do, you need to focus on your sobriety.

Zencat

If it is over between you and her...well then let it go or what can you do? It will take some time to let go, just focus on keeping yourself safe through the process of: bless them and release them.

whatevername

Had the same thing happen to me, I was furious.
Now looking back on it in retrospect I sure did waste alot of time being angry and they ended up being enemies in the long run. My supposed friend never was a friend after all, and thank God I didnt stay with the girlfriend!

Reset

Just let it be. Notice how whatevername said he wasted time being angry?

Focus on other areas of your life.

DayTrader

I'm with Mark and Whatevername...... while I can empathize with what's happening, the only thing that's being done TO you ("I think it is plain obvious he shouldn't be doing this to me.") is that you're propagating a resentment......and although it seem justifiable, it is an absolute direct threat to your sobriety.......whether you see/believe it or not.

I had to deal with my wife's affair, a divorce, then her seemingly "happy life with HIM" after we were separated. I tore myself up over it......she didn't. She moved on......I was the one living in the past.

When I'm living appropriately in recovery........when my spiritual health is where it should be.......what she did and what she's doing now are of NO interest to me at all and I can honestly say (and mean.... ) that I hope she's happy, that she's content, that she feels safe and secure......and that her life is going the way she wants it to go. When I'm still "drunk" spiritually and/or emotionally, thoughts of her, what happened, what she's doing......etc etc etc..... all that stuff has the power to take me back out to my next drunk-fest all over again.

Other people do things......whether or not they hurt me is up to me. There's a lot of truth in "...so our troubles, we think, are of our own making."

Thank God I was able to find a process by which I could get to the place where I wouldn't be constantly torn up over what happened in and to my marriage. Thank God I was willing to engage in a proven recovery process.....my life's much much better as a result.

rws177

Defiantly breaks the bro code and I am sorry you are going through this…..

Chances are there is nothing going on between them and if something does occur she is probably just using him as a rebound. Like a bird with a broken wing, once it is feeling slightly better she will just fly away and not think twice about him.

Either way you have to just focus on yourself. It’s so much easier said than done though and I get that... With that being said all I can say is I emphasize with you and hope you can stay positive during this time. Nothing is worth drinking over, it will just make the problems feel worse.

DayTrader

Whaaaaaaat? That DOESN'T work????

MrDavid

I agree...