Not craving, just sad
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Not craving, just sad
Today I've felt really depressed and well... just sad. I'm missing out on a big get-together due to the high prices of airfare... and the thought of my best friend touching down around noon and having her first perfect margarita around dinnertime really laid me low. I'm not normally the "woe is me" kind of person, but it struck me hard.
Husband asked what was up and I told him. Told him I hated that I did this to myself and I can't have just one glass of wine or one or 3 drinks. I cried a little while he hugged me, and we left for dinner.
I have to add there are other factors as well... tremendous stress due to money, career (which involves both of us), and the whole 9 yards. I feel like I singlehandedly moved us into this home and did everything, all while doing the normal household laundry, dishes, etc.
I miss the escape from ME that alcohol gave me. In one sense, I've been stuck with me for the better part of 2 and a half years (several relapses make this not a continuous stretch)... and I just wish I could sometimes.
Sorry for the "poor me" tone... I'm not going to drink today (tonight). And I'm thankful for every single moment of sobriety I've been granted 24 hours at a time. Things just came to a head today and it helps to come here.
Husband asked what was up and I told him. Told him I hated that I did this to myself and I can't have just one glass of wine or one or 3 drinks. I cried a little while he hugged me, and we left for dinner.
I have to add there are other factors as well... tremendous stress due to money, career (which involves both of us), and the whole 9 yards. I feel like I singlehandedly moved us into this home and did everything, all while doing the normal household laundry, dishes, etc.
I miss the escape from ME that alcohol gave me. In one sense, I've been stuck with me for the better part of 2 and a half years (several relapses make this not a continuous stretch)... and I just wish I could sometimes.
Sorry for the "poor me" tone... I'm not going to drink today (tonight). And I'm thankful for every single moment of sobriety I've been granted 24 hours at a time. Things just came to a head today and it helps to come here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Sunrise,
That 'I miss booze' and 'why can't I' thing is a very dangerous place to be. I believe that it's very indicative of something the matter with the spiritual condition, and a relapse to come. Faced with having to get up every day and deal with that feeling, or drink, I'd much rather drink.
I've seen it a hundred times, sunrise. That self-pity, they can drink, so why can't I, I caused this myself, blah blah blah. I can't seem to just put on a happy face and talk myself out of that. It's a deeper malady. I urge you to treat it immediately.
That 'I miss booze' and 'why can't I' thing is a very dangerous place to be. I believe that it's very indicative of something the matter with the spiritual condition, and a relapse to come. Faced with having to get up every day and deal with that feeling, or drink, I'd much rather drink.
I've seen it a hundred times, sunrise. That self-pity, they can drink, so why can't I, I caused this myself, blah blah blah. I can't seem to just put on a happy face and talk myself out of that. It's a deeper malady. I urge you to treat it immediately.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Sunrise
did alcohol deliver what it promised you, when you add it all up? For me alcohol has stolen a lot of associations with good times. I wonder if it would be just nice to be with your friend and away from your troubles? Maybe the alcohol in the picture is just a freeloader, like a "friend" who ultimately rips you off. Promises, promises.
I am here on this site- so I understand the desire to have a break from oneself. I hope that when (not if) I am in your situation I am able to find a way through it without drinking.
did alcohol deliver what it promised you, when you add it all up? For me alcohol has stolen a lot of associations with good times. I wonder if it would be just nice to be with your friend and away from your troubles? Maybe the alcohol in the picture is just a freeloader, like a "friend" who ultimately rips you off. Promises, promises.
I am here on this site- so I understand the desire to have a break from oneself. I hope that when (not if) I am in your situation I am able to find a way through it without drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Sounds like the same thing we all go through every once in awhile sunrise. I'm not one to try to act like I have all the answers or anything because Lord knows I have made my mistakes along the way on my journey to sobriety, but you said..
To that I would simply say, maybe try to figure out "why" you feel you need to escape "you"? I know the feeling of wanting to escape yourself, it's something that go me into trouble/relapse before. But for the past couple months now I have finally become happy with being me so "escaping me" is no longer something I have any desire to do. So maybe try to see what exactly you are feeling you want to escape from?
Hope you get to feeling better today though.
Steve
I miss the escape from ME that alcohol gave me. In one sense, I've been stuck with me for the better part of 2 and a half years
Hope you get to feeling better today though.
Steve
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 148
You might need to find other ways to "escape yourself" as you put it
Maybe get some exercise in, or escape by watching a really engaging movie or book? Sounds like you need to make time for yourself every once in a while. I know it can be hard when we're strapped for cash, I'm right there with ya. I pay 50 bucks a week just for my UAs! Good luck!
Maybe get some exercise in, or escape by watching a really engaging movie or book? Sounds like you need to make time for yourself every once in a while. I know it can be hard when we're strapped for cash, I'm right there with ya. I pay 50 bucks a week just for my UAs! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Hang in there, (((sunrise1)))
I well understand the impact financial stresses, job stresses and other stresses have on maintaining sobriety, but we all know the impact of succumbing to them and picking up that drink. As others have indicated, those are all problems from the outside, and it is the internal work that keeps us sober.
As a matter of fact, even though I have been sober for over a decade, it was the mounting pressures from running a business that is faltering financially during these tough economic times that caused me to join SR in May. I found I was longing for the days before I had all this responsibility, and my mind was creeping back, and romanticizing, the days when I had absolutely nothing but a drink in hand and no bills. I was spending countless hours of doggedly trying to change the outcome of things, and getting no further than exhausting myself. I spent no time focusing on how I felt; only on how I had to fix things. Dangerous place to be, for me. I had no recovery program going at all.
Would you consider joining us daily in the Gratitude Forum? For me, it was like opening a squeaky door, but once I got there, my spirits lifted immeasurably. And, funny thing, my finances are improving at the same time! (Hmmmm.....could it be my resultant attitude adjustment in framing the problem differently?)
I hope we'll see you there!
I well understand the impact financial stresses, job stresses and other stresses have on maintaining sobriety, but we all know the impact of succumbing to them and picking up that drink. As others have indicated, those are all problems from the outside, and it is the internal work that keeps us sober.
As a matter of fact, even though I have been sober for over a decade, it was the mounting pressures from running a business that is faltering financially during these tough economic times that caused me to join SR in May. I found I was longing for the days before I had all this responsibility, and my mind was creeping back, and romanticizing, the days when I had absolutely nothing but a drink in hand and no bills. I was spending countless hours of doggedly trying to change the outcome of things, and getting no further than exhausting myself. I spent no time focusing on how I felt; only on how I had to fix things. Dangerous place to be, for me. I had no recovery program going at all.
Would you consider joining us daily in the Gratitude Forum? For me, it was like opening a squeaky door, but once I got there, my spirits lifted immeasurably. And, funny thing, my finances are improving at the same time! (Hmmmm.....could it be my resultant attitude adjustment in framing the problem differently?)
I hope we'll see you there!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by sunrise1 
I miss the escape from ME that alcohol gave me.
It's "spiritual malady" 101, you know?
It's part of the "ism" and it's a killer. It was those sort of thoughts continuing into my early dry time that helped me understand the second half of the first step. I couldn't get those feelings of wanting to get away, to escape, and/or the poor me's to end. I tried everything to get it to stop.....but it wouldn't. ......ah haaaaa.....my life's unmanageable!! I get it. Understand Sunrise, while not ideal.....what you're experiencing is quite normal for an alkie. I can tell you I've lived through it without picking up a drink......and I've gotten past it....... but that it's reared it's head from time to time even 2, 3 and 4 yrs into sobriety. For me anyway, it's just one of those defects of character that hasn't been completely removed yet. On the plus side, the frequency with which that stuff pops up has gone waaaaay down. And, when it's does pop up, it doesn't seem as strong as it used to be and it doesn't stick around quite as long as it used to.
Early on, I thought I was "supposed" to not mention stuff like that at meetings or even to my sponsor. I was afraid ppl would look at me like I wasn't working the program right, or enough, or whatever. Honesty is the key though....you SHOULD be talking about that stuff. ....granted, tables are not the appropriate place to toss a woe-is-me story out, but that's what sponsors and close friends in recovery are custom made for.
I know how you feel.......been there PLENTY myself... Know that if you keep working on your development (especially spiritual development, for me anyway) you'll see those sorts of feelings and emotions start to make a marked decrease.
DT
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I sometimes wish I could drink normally, too. But then I realize that I don't really want to drink normally. I mean drinking 2 drinks sounds kind of boring, really. Definitely not enough to escape. Plus, if I was a normal drinker I wouldn't have that kind of longing for 'normal drinking'. So my wanting to drink 'normally' is just my alcoholic voice blabbing again.
I'd rather have a coke.
Does it help you to remember what you don't miss?
The urge that comes after the first drink
The fuzziness
The dread in middle of the night
The taste in your mouth the next day
The stupidity.
The obsession.
Hope you had a better afternoon.
I'd rather have a coke.
Does it help you to remember what you don't miss?
The urge that comes after the first drink
The fuzziness
The dread in middle of the night
The taste in your mouth the next day
The stupidity.
The obsession.
Hope you had a better afternoon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I am probably running this phrase into the ground,but.
Our rememberers are broken,and our forgetters work pretty damn good.
Meaning we keep forgetting all the BS and pain,and some how don't remember all the hangovers and the regretful things we did while drinking. All the things we wish we could turn around and take back,
POOF in an instant we simply forget all that stuff. I really don't know what it is that keeps bringing us back to square one. I still get that thought at times,and as said above. These thoughts are very dangerous. But it doesn't take myself long to remember how alcohol was a prison and how I am so glad to have broken away from all of that. Hang in there!
Fred
Our rememberers are broken,and our forgetters work pretty damn good.
Meaning we keep forgetting all the BS and pain,and some how don't remember all the hangovers and the regretful things we did while drinking. All the things we wish we could turn around and take back,
POOF in an instant we simply forget all that stuff. I really don't know what it is that keeps bringing us back to square one. I still get that thought at times,and as said above. These thoughts are very dangerous. But it doesn't take myself long to remember how alcohol was a prison and how I am so glad to have broken away from all of that. Hang in there!
Fred
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
YeahGr8, I am in AA's program. I have a little over 7 months behind me, and only today ahead. Thank you for posting, though... It really helps a person to see the community jump in and assist a swimmer who is forgetting his or her swimming lessons.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's a good idea to get around other recovering alcoholics ... I suggest an AA meeting. You're romancing the drink, a dangerous place to be in if you want to stay sober. Perhaps you might take out a pad of paper and pen and start writing about what it was like when you got drunk, hangovers, the consequences of being an active alcoholic.
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Hi, NYC, I do go to AA meetings... do service work... I have a little over 7 months. I pick up my BB every day, and talk regularly with one of two sponsors. I just found it odd that this one situation had me so blue for the better part of a day, and felt that maybe typing it out might put it in perspective or that I could get thoughts here. Thanks for your input... All efforts to help me are gratefully received.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by sunrise1
It really helps a person to see the community jump in and assist a swimmer who is forgetting his or her swimming lessons.
...and we ALL forget our lessons from time to time.....that's part of why having a sponsor, talking with them regularly, and being actively involved in the recovery community works so well - we all help keep each other in check and remind one another when we're dropping the ball.
Such a level of honesty, constant self appraisal and being willing/able to accept constructive criticism (even when it doesn't seem to come all that "constructively" at times) is difficult to maintain sometimes. Some days, I just want to get quiet, separated and defensive. Some days I don't WANT any more advice..... constructive or not - lol. Thankfully, I've tried to surround myself with people - people whom I've specifically asked - who will set me straight when they see I'm off base.
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