LeeK

So after ten years, about half my life, of alcohol abuse, I decided to kick the habit (or addiction, which ever it is) last September. I did pretty good, in fact I managed to go six months without a drop, that is until about two months ago. Then my problem kicked back in with a vengeance, and I did nothing to try to stop it. For the last two months I've drank like I've never drank before, popped pills (Xanax and at times Lortabs and Oxys), and like an idiot threw away everything I fought to achieve. The problem is now I can't seem to get back on track, hell, I'm a bit hungover as I type this. I've been working a lot more hours, and therefore had more money to blow on booze.

The first time I tried to give up alcohol I ended up caving after a day and a half, but after a week I tried again, and after a relatively mild withdrawal period I did pretty well, and after a while I stupidly thought I was 'fixed'. But now that I've thrown it all away, how hard is it to get back on track? And quite frankly, I'm scared to give it up this time, I'm scared of what withdrawal might bring, I don't know how physically and mentally hard it might be since I've been worse than ever the past two months or so.

So basically, how do you get past your failures in sobriety? Physically and mentally? Because I've managed to screw myself over pretty well.

AcceptingChange

Hi LeeK,
Sorry for your pain. When you think about this, what do you see as the options? You say "i'm having a hard time imagining giving up [drinking/pills]".
Where will that choice lead?

On the topic of "How do you get past your failures?". The only option i've found is to accept them. No one can change the past. But we can make different decisions today. Forget your failures, forget the past, focus on today. Spending mental energy trying to figure out ways we would have acted differently in the past is futile, because we can't change the past.

LeeK

You're right. I know I have to accept it and try to move on, I'm just afraid it will end up a continuous cycle, and I'll never truly get any better. I guess it'd be more properly worded as how can you prevent your past failures from happening again? Because I know that I do have to change, my choices are pretty much limited to change now, let things get worse and change later, or continue and eventually die.

AcceptingChange

What you said is exactly the way i had to resolve the situation for myself as well. It's sort of a choice of 'i know the next few weeks will be unpleasant. Am i willing to suffer pain for hope of a better tomorrow?"
I try to deal with this awful choice by pretending my alcoholism is cancer. And the first few months is chemotherapy. The chemotherapy is my best option for life. And it's painful while it goes on. But it has a good chance of making me healthy in 6 months.

You said ... how can you prevent your past failures from happening again?

By understanding the causes of what lead to the failures.

If we buy a plant and then plant it in a container, and it dies a week later, we have to ask yourself "why?" If we conclude "I'm a terrible gardener, and i kill whatever i touch, therefore i'm an awful human being, and i have no talents" , well, that seems like an extreme reaction. But that's what many of us do (including me).

But if instead we say "maybe this plant needs more water, or more sunshine. Maybe i should buy better planting soil", then we have confidence that our next outcome will probably be different.
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I know it's hard when you're brain and body have been actively using, and it's difficult to concentrate and difficult to find the motivation to even care.
So, you have to ask yourself "Do i feel that the cause of my dont-give-a-crap mood is directly related to the abuse of my brain by chemicals & alcohol?"

I personally found that it takes a lot longer to start to feel good naturally once i stop using than i expected it to. I feel like when i'm using, i'm parachuting down into the grand canyon. Yes, it's exciting for a short period of time. But then when i hit bottom, climbing out takes much, much longer than i thought it would, and it's extremely painful and uncomfortable, isn't much fun, and takes much more time than i expected.

But then when i finally do get clean, i know i can put the parachute back on and jump back in for a 'reward' for all my efforts. But then i'm back at the bottom again. And the 2nd jump wasn't as fun as the 1st. But then i climb back out, and then reward myself again with another jump in into the canyon. But now it's getting kind of boring, and all i focus on is how much work i gotta do to climb out again. And how come it takes me 10 min to parachute to the bottom, and 10 days to climb out?
but i do it again, because, hey, maybe it'll be fun like the first time, and i forget about the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time.
Maybe, i'll convince myself i should move to a different canyon. Maybe i can find the same enjoyment by jumping into a different hole. So i'll quit my crappy job, and move to a different state, and find a new hole. And then i start jumping into a new hole in a different place, looking for the original thrill.

And then i look at other people, and see they aren't wasting their time jumping into a hole and climbing back out, over and over again. They are building houses and writing poetry. And then i feel disgust, and blame myself for my past actions. But the past is the past, and many, many millions of people have stopped jumping into the hole, and became the person they thought the never could.
It's hard to find peace when our sole intention is finding excitement.

Zebra1275

I recommend that you get medical help with the withdrawal, not doing so can be dangerous. If you are going to quit drinking, what are you going to do differently? For me, after many unsuccessful attempts to do it by myself I gave up and tried AA. I'm glad I did.

I have found that every relapse is worse than the one before in terms of withdrawal, guilt and shame, etc. Alcoholism is a progressive and it just keeps getting worse, I think you've discovered that. As The Big Book says, "there is a solution."

lizisme

Just wanted to give you a hug (insert smiley hug cos I dont know how to).

I think knowing you need to change and want to even though its scary and hard is a great start. Yes, it sucks, alot, but you get it...what is the alternative? You said it, you get it, lots of people dont.

You have stopped before. You are strong, it is there, somewhere in you hiding under the cloud of hangover!

If I could write everything that AcceptingChange has written I would. Even in the under one year club, words like that boost my sobriety a mile.

P.S You are NOT a failure. I used to call myself a human being with serious flaws...but hey we all have them :-)

Opivotal

Like others have posted the past is the past. There are no guarantees in this life. The decision to relapse or not is under your control. Arming yourself for success is the only way I succeeded. I also wanted to stop drinking more than anything else in this world. I was willing to do whatever it took. Failure was not an option for me.

I'm not gonna tell you it was easy. What in this world worth anything is? Don't worry about the how's why's and if's. Just do it with every ounce of your being.
That's my best advice Leek.


Best Wishes To You!:ghug3

CarolD

Please check with your doctor about how best to safely de tox this time.
The fact you were drinking harder and adding in other substances is likely
to make this withdrawal more difficult than your other one...

Welcome back...

1undone

You probably need to surround yourself with people that understand you if you truly are ready to put down the bottle. It was the ONLY way I got sober. I tried everything else. I couldn't do it without having a support system of other sober people or people with the same struggles.

I go to AA as much as possible. I don't agree with everything I hear and see there but I get more out of it than not and the sober part is the best side effect. I see death in my future without AA.

I like the cancer analogy mainly because it's progressive if not treated. There is no difference in my mind between cancer and alcoholism in the way it rots your body if left untreated.

I hope you will keep an open mind and I seriously hope that you will keep coming back here as you sound really desperate.

LeeK

Thanks to all for replying. You guys are extremely supportive and it's so nice to have people who have been in similar situations.

I'm very nervous about going through withdrawal again, especially with other substances, I think I'll take your advice on going to a doctor this time, it's probably a dumb question but there are no legal ramifications with admitting to illegal drug use to a doctor are there?

I think I'll check out AA this time as well. I'm pretty nervous about that too, a lot has to do with my age, but I'm hoping they'll be accepting regardless. Worth a try I figure.

Nevertheless

One way to get past your failures is learn from them. Don't keep making the same mistakes over and over. Take a look at where you failed,and try to think of a way around it. And don't make failure an excuse to throw in the towel.
KEEP AT IT. Wasn't it Babe Ruth that said it's hard to beat someone that doesn't quit? Another smart person said."The best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. The next best time is today"

As far as AA, This problem has nothing to do with age. The group I went to had folks from 17 to 90. Don't worry about being nervous. Everyone in there had to walk through the door a "first time". It is important to be around people that know what this is all about. Because a month from now when we start thinking things weren't so bad. We need someone to remind us that our rememberers are broken,but our forgetters work pretty good.
I wish you the best.
Fred

TheEnd

That sounds a little like my story, I was about 6 months sober, then I relapsed with a vengeance. Getting sober the second time was much harder than the first and you will feel angry at yourself for giving up your sobriety in the first place.

Now about 3 1/2 months later, I am so happy I got my sobriety back. I went to detox and then treatment, but you have to do whatever is best for you.

I just couldn't continue the way I was going, I ended up in detox, baker acted twice, and back in detox, all in a matter of 10 days.

susanlauren

There are folks of all ages in Alcoholics Anonymous. I would not worry about that whether you are young, old or somewhere inbetween. You have been given some great advice regarding detox and withdrawal. My uncle nearly died of alcohol withdrawal and he had excellent medical care. It is nothing to play around with. See a doctor.

In terms of lasting, contented sobriety: If you are done drinking, if you really want to stop for good and for all, I would urge you to go to an AA meeting, find a sponsor who works the steps directly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and follow the directions you are given. Work the twelve steps as if your life depends on it.
Susan

Boleo

When is too much of a bad thing good?

When too much suffering leads to change.

Antiderivative

The first step is to get over myself. I have the potential to drown in self-pity over my failures, instead of looking for solutions. Attaching myself to a degree where my well-being is directly tied to many of life's failures and success is not healthy.

Self-pity doesn't solve problems, it only displaces them and makes them worse.

Froglet

I always repeat this, but that's because it is so. We are all here for a reason, whether we succeeded, are struggling, or needing help. With that said, you have to understand that the withdrawals are going to be tough. I think anyone that has battled it, can tell you the same. It's not easy, and the buzz feeling from alcohol is too good to pass up.

Try to take small steps and seek professional help. The xanax and drug combination can be bad as well. I myself am battling w/ it.

Zencat

An addiction treatment plan can prevent relapses. My treatment plan helps me take preventive measures so that I don't relapse back into active addiction. The good thing about having a daily plan in place is that its always there when I need it.

LexieCat

You don't need to worry about being reported to law enforcement by your doctor. Doctors take physician/patient privilege VERY seriously. If you use insurance, some information might be released to the insurance company, but they can't report it, either. The only things a doctor must report are gunshot wounds, child abuse, or a patient who is dangerous to someone else.

It's VERY important for you to be completely honest with your doctor about any drugs you've been using so he or she can treat you appropriately.

Good luck--you are going about this in the right way. And I, too, think AA is a great way to learn to live sober. That's the problem for most people. The quitting part is relatively easy. It's the life stuff that leads to relapse.

reggiewayne

Welcome Leek. I too had always failed when I tried to quit. I had never gotten past 25 days for years. I'd quit for a while and then go right back. I guess the idea is to never quit, quitting. December 2, 2010 was the last time I drank. I was so fed up with the hangovers, the missed work, the constant falling short of acting like the person I knew I was. So I went back to AA.

I didn't think it would work, but I had no other options. So, I went day in and day out. Six months later I'm still sober.

I beg you to not worry about your past failures. It's just your disease telling you you're not worth it. The truth is, you are - we all are. Just don't give up. Give this thing another try. You made it six months before, there's no reason that you can't again!

recoverywfaith

Glad you are here and are looking for solutions to maintain your sobriety. You are not a failure...you are seeking help and I commend you on that.