4MyMel

I currently live in FL with my g/f (same sex relationship) and my parents and 10 year old brother are in NJ. They aren't fond of my relationship, my g/f or both. Whereas I have not asked them this time if my g/f can come with me to their house in July when we visit, in the past she hasn't been welcome so I didn't bother asking. We are coming there for an event for our friend. The plan now is that I come Wednesday night, spend that night, Thursday and part of Friday with my parents and leave on Friday night to meet my g/f and attend the event on Saturday. My g/f will spend those days with her friend and probably see her mother as well.

Up until today, I was OK with this. Now I'm having second thoughts. First of, due to the situation with my g/f among other things, visiting my parents is stressful. The way I used to get through it, is to drink to the point where nothing bothers me. Now I can't do that. I feel like I'm gonna be a ball of anxiety while I'm there and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. Ideally, I would love my g/f there for support, but I don't want to make it uncomfortable for everyone due to the fact that my parents aren't ready or whatever excuse they come up with this time. My goal during this visit, is to make it clear to them that my g/f and I are in a committed relationship and that visits such as this with me coming on my own won't happen very often. If my brother wasn't there, I wouldn't even visit them in all honesty, but I want to see him, which is why I am willing to suck it all up. I just feel that all my life, I have given in to my parents and part of my drinking problem is due to that. I want to put my foot down, without offending anyone and keep my sanity. Any ideas?

AmericanGirl

I don't know about your particular situation, 4MyMel, but I do know that the first few times I saw my family after I quit drinking I was TERRIFIED about what it would be like sober. As messed up as this sounds, some of my worst binges were around family.

One thing that really helped me was having a way to access SR in those places. Do you have a smartphone or laptop you can bring with you, and will you have the opportunity to get away if you need to, to communicate with people here?

The other thing that helped, and I can't know if this will be the same for your family, but it turned out it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! At five p.m. when they all began drinking I had to find a way out a few times, such as by taking walks, but eventually it got easier.

My counselor told me, very wisely, that I should imagine myself as a scientist, keenly observing my family from the outside, now that I was no longer contributing to the insanity. This was actually really helpful for me too.

Hope these things help.

Anna

If I was in a relationship that my parents didn't accept, I would not be spending my time or energy visiting them at all. If they don't accept you and your girlfriend, it's their loss. I hope you don't put your sobriety in jeopardy in order to keep your parents happy.

CarolD

I never took lovers to see my parents and younger brother..even long time relationships...
It was a matter of respecting their home and beliefs.

My family...no one who is not married...sleeps together unless they go to a motel/hotel.
Then they are welcome to come over for dinner and a visit.

4MyMel

Hey Carol,

Why didn't you take your SOs to see your parents? Did they not approve of something?

I agree with you about respecting beliefs and that's why I didn't bother asking this time. They don't want us in their house and that's fine. I just can't keep doing this. My other brother and his g/f just spent the weekend with them, but I am not afforded such luxury. I'm not mad, bitter or need to shove this in my parents face, they will just have to deal with the reality that I'm not gonna make special trips to see them.

The only thing that makes me borderline angry is that when I ask my mother how she feels, she says all is fine. However, they have not taken 1 step to get to know my g/f. They could suggest that we meet in NY on Sunday afternoon, but they don't. It's like she doesn't exist for them. Irritates me to no end. I want to state how I feel with regards to all this and then leave. The ball will be in their court.

It's gonna be hard not to drink during this time, but I made it so that I get to spend most of the time with the little one

CarolD

They did not approve of sex if you were not married...so when when I visited the midwest...I left the guys in D.C.
My younger brother did the same ...as did everyone includeing Grandchildren...2 family members are openly gay.

It was a all around deal tho...no favorites were played....alcohol was never served either so drinking was not happening..

nandm

My parents and one sister refuse to recognize my relationship with my partner as well. One thing I have to do is respect their right to their opinions and beliefs even if they do not coincide with mine. It does hurt and it is unfortunate that they are missing out on knowing a wonderful person and spending more time with me. I have only visited them once in 10 years partially because of this. Part of me would like a relationship with them but I know that will not be able to happen for me until they respect my right to be who I am. I do not necessarily recommend anyone take the stance I have with this but this has been my experience so I thought I would share it with you.

It is not something that I can drink over as drinking will devastate my life at this point. I have no desire to go back to the life I was living while drinking.

I do hope it all works out for you.

4MyMel

Thanks nandm. I appreciate your input. I am trying to decide which stance I am going to take with them. My problem is that I want to see my almost 11 year old brother and they come with the package. I'm hoping that a few more years and I can invite him over to FLA and my parents will have less of a decision in that. At this point, I doubt they would let him go and he's not old enough to decide one way or another. I offer to pay his ticket, but they apprently don't like my g/f having met her for only 1 day one time....The relationship between my parents wasn't great to begin with, so I don't feel I'm losing out on much. I just want us to be open and that if they do eventually come around to it, I would like to spend Holidays and things like that together...

4MyMel

I'm afraid that all this stress will bring on my old drinking habits. My parents like to drink and will start asking questions when I refuse. I don't want to tell them about my problem with alcohol and they will be pushy. I know I won't drink with them....but only I stand between myself and the liqour store.

Dee74

Drinking will not solve the problem tho 4mymel.

I'm with Anna - any situation where I think I might need a drink to 'get through it' is not a healthy situation for me to be in.

I'd reconsider your plans - maybe visit with family when you're more secure in your sobriety, or make it a short 'whistle stop' visit?

Putting your family's happiness above yours - especially if it raises the likelihood of you drinking - is unhealthy.

D