Expectations are premeditated resentments
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Only if you plan on failing at what you expect to accomplish. (I am not AA so I apologize if you don't agree). Focus on positive outcomes and do everything you can to accomplish what you expect, and never quit, and there will be no resentment regarding your expectation.
Without an expectation or a focus how will you ever get a desired outcome?
Without an expectation or a focus how will you ever get a desired outcome?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
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I'm thinking they were talking about expectations on how others act rather than material goals.
Page 552 gives exact directions on how to deal with resentments...it works well for me...
Page 552 gives exact directions on how to deal with resentments...it works well for me...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Thanks for clearing that up, I guess. I would hate for people not to have expectations for themselves.
As far as not having expectations for others, how will they ever know what you want? For example, your child or your spouse. I expect my son to do his best in school and give his best effort. Again if you don't expect certain things how do others know the desired outcome you are looking for from them?
As far as not having expectations for others, how will they ever know what you want? For example, your child or your spouse. I expect my son to do his best in school and give his best effort. Again if you don't expect certain things how do others know the desired outcome you are looking for from them?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 15
I agree, the way I translate those types of comments is that I need to review my expectations for disfunction. Are my expectations reasonable? Healthy? Also, what are my choices when they are not being met? In that sense it does point back to me - I sure can't control other people continuously doing their disfunctional behaviors, so what do I need to do if my expectations are not being met? That one can be tough! For me it's all about how I choose to respond and the choices I make to ensure that I don't get wrapped up in feeing trapped, angry, resentful, and behave in ways that make me feel good about myself and my boundaries rather than unhealthy behaviors, etc. I have to keep pointing it back to me and what IS in my area to control. I live with a 17 yo teenage drug addicted daughter w/ 3 mos sobriety, btw. 
I can ground, limit other priviledges, etc. Lol!! 
I can ground, limit other priviledges, etc. Lol!! Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
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I understand how this short axiom can be confusing without the contextual background provided by AA (or Bhuddism, for that matter).
The overriding premise is other people, places, and things are not my problem. How I respond to other people, places, and things is my problem.
The overriding premise is other people, places, and things are not my problem. How I respond to other people, places, and things is my problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Thanks for clearing it up. "I can control how I respond to any situation to control how feel", would probably be a better message.
If there is a context given when things are said in meetings it would probably give us non AA people a better understanding of the whole idea if the context was included. Just sayin...but thanks for giving me something to think about.
If there is a context given when things are said in meetings it would probably give us non AA people a better understanding of the whole idea if the context was included. Just sayin...but thanks for giving me something to think about.
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Well I don't know about that Mark. I think AA teaches alot of good ideas, but I think you know how I stand on the "power" issues. Those to me are an unwaivering set of beliefs that I live by. I think at one point sobriety was my main focus in life, but now having changed my focus to happiness and contentment while living sober the 12 step method does not match that criteria for me. But am I happy it helps many people in this forum.
Have a Happy Memorial Day!
I think AA teaches alot of good ideas, but I think you know how I stand on the "power" issues. Those to me are an unwaivering set of beliefs that I live by. I think at one point sobriety was my main focus in life, but now having changed my focus to happiness and contentment while living sober the 12 step method does not match that criteria for me. But am I happy it helps many people in this forum.Have a Happy Memorial Day!
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
I think this might clear it up further, or it may just confuse the heck out of all of you
It is my expectation of how others should react, with family for example. Recently I have been very upset because I am the one who continually reaches out by sending cards and e mails, so when they don't respond (my expectation) I get very hurt and feel like I am not a part of the family, and somehow I am not loved. To clarify I live on the west coast they all live on the east coast. So its my expectation of how they should react to my giving that is the issue.
Anyway I am so glad I came upon this thread today, because on Wed I am flying back to Boston to spend my yearly visit w/family, and the last thing I want to do is get caught up in the drama of negative feelings.
Communication is very sparse in my family if I try to tell any of them how I feel they get very defensive, or they tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself
So not sure if this helped any of you but it sure did the trick for me, venting can be very therapeutic lol
It is my expectation of how others should react, with family for example. Recently I have been very upset because I am the one who continually reaches out by sending cards and e mails, so when they don't respond (my expectation) I get very hurt and feel like I am not a part of the family, and somehow I am not loved. To clarify I live on the west coast they all live on the east coast. So its my expectation of how they should react to my giving that is the issue.
Anyway I am so glad I came upon this thread today, because on Wed I am flying back to Boston to spend my yearly visit w/family, and the last thing I want to do is get caught up in the drama of negative feelings.
Communication is very sparse in my family if I try to tell any of them how I feel they get very defensive, or they tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself
So not sure if this helped any of you but it sure did the trick for me, venting can be very therapeutic lol
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Great example Newby! Having expectations that your family should respond a certain way is natural. Being able to realize that if they don't you shouldn't get upset is the real point. You don't know their situation and you shouldn't judge it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Rangely Colorado
Posts: 80
I like that quote about expectations being premeditated resentments ... it hits me in the face about every third time I interact with my mother. Helps me to "keep it simple".
Another one that does this for me, and might be useful to some of you, is this:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want or need, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best they can.
In the "for what it's worth" department, we are probably also not completely what someone else wants or needs, but we're doing the best we can.
Another one that does this for me, and might be useful to some of you, is this:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want or need, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best they can.
In the "for what it's worth" department, we are probably also not completely what someone else wants or needs, but we're doing the best we can.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Ranger 
I understand how this short axiom can be confusing without the contextual background provided by AA (or Bhuddism, for that matter).
- Bob Darrel famous open-talk speaker.
In Buddhism it's called Beginners Mind
In Zen it's called ZaZen
In Hinduism it's called Nishkam Karma
In Taoism it's called Wu Wei
In some Christian religions it's called Holy Indifference
In the Gospel of Matthew it's called "Judge not and ye shall not be judged"
In French it's called Kay-Sara-Sara
In Beatle music it's called "Let It Be"
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Boleo
"Want to feel like you always get your way - don't have one"
- Bob Darrel famous open-talk speaker.
In Buddhism it's called Beginners Mind
In Zen it's called ZaZen
In Hinduism it's called Nishkam Karma
In Taoism it's called Wu Wei
In some Christian religions it's called Holy Indifference
In the Gospel of Matthew it's called "Judge not and ye shall not be judged"
In French it's called Kay-Sara-Sara
In Beatle music it's called "Let It Be"
- Bob Darrel famous open-talk speaker.
In Buddhism it's called Beginners Mind
In Zen it's called ZaZen
In Hinduism it's called Nishkam Karma
In Taoism it's called Wu Wei
In some Christian religions it's called Holy Indifference
In the Gospel of Matthew it's called "Judge not and ye shall not be judged"
In French it's called Kay-Sara-Sara
In Beatle music it's called "Let It Be"
(cant stand those animated gifs though geezz!)
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