BullDog777

my mom has been in the hospital for the better part of 5 months this year. my dad told me last night that she's not doing well at all, and things are looking kind of bleak.

to be blunt, i don't have any fond memories of my mom since the 80's. she was a horribly abusive person, and what's worse is i don't think she ever really thought of the way she treated me as abuse. to put it a little more clear, she's as dumb as a sack of rocks. i don't think she ever realized what she was doing was neglect or abuse. i'm not trying to be mean here....she really is not a smart person. i don't know how else to say it.

i think the part i'm having a hard time with is my sence of loss. i feel kinda bad that i don't feel worse. if i'm honest with myself, my sadness isn't so much for myself...i think that relationship or any hope for one between my mother and myself has been gone for a long time, it's the loss my dad will suffer that really makes me sad.

my dad has been passionately in love with my mother since he met her. before my mom got sick, i don't think they had ever spent more than a day apart in their marriage of over 42 years.

last year, i had mended all the fences between my father and myself and we have been fast friends ever since.

as for my mother, i just don't know. she's resented me since i was a teenager and once i got into alcohol and drugs, she made it her crusade to rescue me from it....the thing was, i didn't want to be rescued. it would take me another decade before i wanted to hear about any sort of recovery.

i think that really made her bitter.
it was like a switch got turned off in her and she just became a mean as hell bitter person towards me. this is where we have been.... at a stalemate, ever since.

I understand that she's mad that i was so destructive. i get that, but it was 20 years ago. i'm not even trying to minimize it...it was what it was...it really hurt her, but what else can i do? I've apologized over and over..... I've even been to therapists to talk about this.....the only thing i can do is to be an example of a good man, husband, and father.

i had had hopes that we'd repair the damage done but after trying for the last 18 months i don't think she will ever see me as the man i am today. in her eyes, i was and will always be that immature, helpless addict that is an emotional parasite to her. The years i had hoped we'd have to repair the damage is sadly just about over, i fear.

honestly, i don't really even want to visit her. i don't really want to even talk to her. i think it's because i know myself and what i could do in a destructive tornado of emotion if i allow myself to be anything but guarded.

i have to be...one slip could end my life. i've told myself, i will not go to a funeral, say goodbyes or any of the sort.

When i was 17 i buried one of the only people i ever gave a s#it about and it destroyed me for almost 2 decades. i can't and will not do it again for ANYONE. why? i know what it has the potential to do to me. I can turn into a monster on a dime and it all be over and i love my family too much to do it all again. i won't survive another detox.

so....that's it. i needed to write about it and i did. I'm not sure what else to do. thanks for listening.

BackToSquareOne

The thing is that if you don't go to see her and make peace with the whole situation you may regret it for the rest of your life. Your dad might not understand it if you don't spend some time with both of them in their hour of need. You can never go back if something does happen to her.

BullDog777

i've been really wrestling with that. what makes me feel worse is my dad totally understands and agrees with me. he knows what kind hell my road back to the living was like.

i don't know how i'll react if i don't detach myself from this. i fear my bigger regret will be relapse if i see her.

AA says this is a selfish program. that you have to take care of your sobriety first. i question whether i'm being too selfish in this...i'm really at a loss on what to do.

BackToSquareOne

She may have had her own mental health issues that caused her to be the way she was. She may have been in a state where she wasn't capable of doing any better as a mother. Just don't do something you may spend the rest of your life regretting.

BullDog777

that's good advise...thanks for that.

Mark75

Your mom just did what she knew how to... so did you, well, so are you.

I have a relationship with my mother that needs repair, and she's ready, I am not, and that's my fault. Like you, there are things I can't get past, though I see a time... I guess for me, I don't have the willingness... I've inventoried on this some, and for me it's fear. Fear that I will be in a relationship with her again, and what will that mean? I guess I don't trust her, don't trust that she won't go back to her old ways... hmm, that's not even right... she will go back to her old ways because she never stopped her old ways... so I guess I just don't want that back in my life... but that causes a spiritual disturbance in me because she is just doing what she knows to do, living how she knows how to... and it would mean so much to her if I were to come back into her life... I feel selfish. I want something I will never have...

She's older now, and there isn't much time... I feel like I should give up my anger, but for some reason I hold on to it... I've taken this up with my higher power, but that's not working.... because I am unwilling...

billsaintjames

I hate my dad and lately I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to handle things when he starts knocking on death's door. Sometimes I just wish he would just die ASAP so I can deal with whatever grief there is sooner rather than later. Other times I wish I could forgive him and spend some time with him so I don't regret it later. I guess I won't really know how I'll feel until it happens.

This forum is probably a great place to ask other people how they dealt with this situation. I would guess there are lots of other people here who hated their parent(s) and can give you insight on how they handled things.