Trust blown again........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Trust blown again........
Hi everyone, I have this situation with my friend that I'm hoping for some advice on........
Brief summary... I'm 16 months sober...have some trust issues with people that I have been working on....My friend drinks heavily......I don't spend alot of time with her, but I am always there to lend an ear, and at times I feel this is one sided with her....I don't let alot of people in my life for the fear of being taken advantage of, hurt etc....I trusted her..... well she went to Vegas and before she left she "hired" me to walk her dog....this is my business..she said she would pay me 100 cash when she got back....well she didn't...said she spent too much in Vegas....so no money for me!!! I am so mad and hurt and feel like just shutting her out of my life....I just feel she has let me down.....Maybe I'm overreacting...it could just be my protective measures but I don't think I can trust her again..... Since my recovery I am noticing I am more sensitive to things, and have really no tolerance for being a doormat.... I can forgive her but I don't think things will be the same....
What's your take???
Thanks so much....
Brief summary... I'm 16 months sober...have some trust issues with people that I have been working on....My friend drinks heavily......I don't spend alot of time with her, but I am always there to lend an ear, and at times I feel this is one sided with her....I don't let alot of people in my life for the fear of being taken advantage of, hurt etc....I trusted her..... well she went to Vegas and before she left she "hired" me to walk her dog....this is my business..she said she would pay me 100 cash when she got back....well she didn't...said she spent too much in Vegas....so no money for me!!! I am so mad and hurt and feel like just shutting her out of my life....I just feel she has let me down.....Maybe I'm overreacting...it could just be my protective measures but I don't think I can trust her again..... Since my recovery I am noticing I am more sensitive to things, and have really no tolerance for being a doormat.... I can forgive her but I don't think things will be the same....
What's your take???
Thanks so much....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Well if she doesn't plan on paying you at all, then I would make sure I never "did business" with her again. Don't lose a relationship over $100.
I got screwed out of close to $10K by a ex friend, and it was really ugly and now I have no contact with this person, but believe it or not being that we run in the same circles I am still upset that our 20+ year friendship ended.
This is one where I would say forgive and forget, maybe she will pay you later, if not stay friends just don't expect payment. If you don't really care about the relationship, let it go on good terms.
If walking dogs is your main source of income, I would be upset, but if it was just a favor that you would normally do for a friend, then leave it at a favor and let it pass.
I got screwed out of close to $10K by a ex friend, and it was really ugly and now I have no contact with this person, but believe it or not being that we run in the same circles I am still upset that our 20+ year friendship ended.
This is one where I would say forgive and forget, maybe she will pay you later, if not stay friends just don't expect payment. If you don't really care about the relationship, let it go on good terms.
If walking dogs is your main source of income, I would be upset, but if it was just a favor that you would normally do for a friend, then leave it at a favor and let it pass.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
The forgiveness will help you so forgive her if you can but if I were you I'd put even more distance between you as between the trust issue and the drinking she doesn't sound like the type of friend we need in sobriety.
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
This is why I don't like business with friends. If I loan money or my time ( as I work on Computers and networks ) , I only do so as a favor with the idea that I will never see that money or was willing to give that time.
The last time I did business with a "friend" ( who actually was a childhood best friend )it was over cocaine in which I got screwed and he got my money.
I've only seen him one time since then, about 8 years ago and I was lucky to be able to keep my anger in check ( I was mostly hurt ). I haven't talked to him since, but I consider it a blessing as it was around the time I stopped doing coke anyway.
Last I've heard of him , he's had quite a rough time of life as he's still in the drug business and in and out of jail and jobs.
The last time I did business with a "friend" ( who actually was a childhood best friend )it was over cocaine in which I got screwed and he got my money.
I've only seen him one time since then, about 8 years ago and I was lucky to be able to keep my anger in check ( I was mostly hurt ). I haven't talked to him since, but I consider it a blessing as it was around the time I stopped doing coke anyway.
Last I've heard of him , he's had quite a rough time of life as he's still in the drug business and in and out of jail and jobs.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
She is taking advantage of your friendship...it's down right rude! If she had $$ for vacation and then came back broke, it's not your problem. You gave care to her pet, she knew the dog was well cared for. i would send her a bill and state that. What's fair is fair.
Suppose she gave that same sob story to a kennel?
If she asks you again to do something for her, get a formal agreement in writing.
the first thing I do when I come home, is go down the street with CASH to pay the cat-sitter. ( i pay one of the neighbor kids $15.00 a day to come in twice and give food, do the litterbox/fresh water)..i consider it a bargain at $105.00 a week for the 3 cats.
Suppose she gave that same sob story to a kennel?
If she asks you again to do something for her, get a formal agreement in writing.
the first thing I do when I come home, is go down the street with CASH to pay the cat-sitter. ( i pay one of the neighbor kids $15.00 a day to come in twice and give food, do the litterbox/fresh water)..i consider it a bargain at $105.00 a week for the 3 cats.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
It sounds like two things are being uncovered.
You are questioning your friendship with this person, and if it just one sided.
And you have been let down about her not keeping up her end of an agreement.
In recovery, I truly re-examined the relationships in my life. I want to spend time and be with friends who are living by some of the principles I live my life by. Honesty, is one of them.
If this is a true friend that you don't want to lose over $100.00, then, maintain things as they are. Or you send a bill as was mentioned, or, even just explain to her that this is how you make your living, and it hurts that she didn't live up to her end of the agreement, but, you did.
Being in recovery, does not mean we are anyones doormat.
You are questioning your friendship with this person, and if it just one sided.
And you have been let down about her not keeping up her end of an agreement.
In recovery, I truly re-examined the relationships in my life. I want to spend time and be with friends who are living by some of the principles I live my life by. Honesty, is one of them.
If this is a true friend that you don't want to lose over $100.00, then, maintain things as they are. Or you send a bill as was mentioned, or, even just explain to her that this is how you make your living, and it hurts that she didn't live up to her end of the agreement, but, you did.
Being in recovery, does not mean we are anyones doormat.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
If it's caused a resentment, address it with her. Tell her that it was your understanding that she wasnt asking for a favor, but was hiring you to perform a service, which is your business. Then tell her that regardless, you will not be attemtping to collect the debt. Then it's up to the two of you to see where your friendship is at?
Moral of the story. Don't do business with family and friends. Don't loan money to family and friends, unless you can afford to give it to them. This has worked for me.
Moral of the story. Don't do business with family and friends. Don't loan money to family and friends, unless you can afford to give it to them. This has worked for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Wow! great advice everyone!! thanks sooooo much....I think the lesson has been learned....sometimes I feel since being in recovery that I have to be nice to everyone...not to harbour resentments...and almost not to feel angry.....but we are human....and things like this do p**ss me off!! I'm going to let it go really look hard our "friendship"
Love you ALL!!
Love you ALL!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Yeah, it's good not to harbor resentments, and to avoid reacting emotionally, but at the same time, it's also good for us to nurture healthy relationships and recognize those that are bad for us. To me, it's not about trust or about the $100, it's about the fact that your friend showed very little respect for your feelings or appreciation for your help. If I were her, I would have put the money aside first thing, but if I somehow miscalculated, I would be very apologetic upon my return and promise to pay you back at the earliest possible opportunity. It seems like the message you're getting from her is that she just doesn't care enough about your feelings to make the effort.
I wonder also if there's something else going on -- maybe she felt that you should have done it as a friend and not accepted payment in the first place, and this is her passive-aggressive response? If you think there might be some other explanation, maybe it's worth clearing the air with her.
GG
I wonder also if there's something else going on -- maybe she felt that you should have done it as a friend and not accepted payment in the first place, and this is her passive-aggressive response? If you think there might be some other explanation, maybe it's worth clearing the air with her.
GG
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 26
a similar thing happened to me recently, right after i came out of detox and was hanging with an old college roommate/party girl partner in crime...who is also in recovery. we were on our way to a women's AA meeting and she told me that she was broke for the next week. so, i happened to have cash (i never have cash) so i offered to lend her 20.00...then it turned into 40...but she had been of great help to me in the horrible weeks before so i just gave it to her and she said shed pay me back...ok. I knew id never see it again.
I just moved on from it, feeling grateful that i didn't have to worry about money and that i had someone (husband) to 'take care of me' who loved me and that i had bigger fish to fry anyway! we went to the meeting (our last one together since she owes me money i'm thinking) and we havent spoken much and lots of times she takes alot of klon or ativan...and doesnt speak very well...she has also recently undergone surgery and i've been calling to see when i can visit but she hasnt returned my calls...hmmm...i don't want this to have turned her away from me! and i feel like we need to help and support each other. I've seen her online so i know shes 'ok'. hopefully i'll hear from her soon. I just try and think that i helped her when she was in trouble. her support for me was well worth the 40.00.
I just moved on from it, feeling grateful that i didn't have to worry about money and that i had someone (husband) to 'take care of me' who loved me and that i had bigger fish to fry anyway! we went to the meeting (our last one together since she owes me money i'm thinking) and we havent spoken much and lots of times she takes alot of klon or ativan...and doesnt speak very well...she has also recently undergone surgery and i've been calling to see when i can visit but she hasnt returned my calls...hmmm...i don't want this to have turned her away from me! and i feel like we need to help and support each other. I've seen her online so i know shes 'ok'. hopefully i'll hear from her soon. I just try and think that i helped her when she was in trouble. her support for me was well worth the 40.00.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
it is also a matter of economics...it is very expensive to just live day to day...everything has increased in price...and you offered a service that she would have paid a lot more for from another business.....now you go without, while she comes back from vacation???
(in my area, dog walkers get almost $20.00 an hour).
(in my area, dog walkers get almost $20.00 an hour).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Sarah...so sorry to hear your "friend" did that to you.....that's just awful....I don't understand people sometimes....what goes around comes around...that's for sure!!! I think she knows how I feel..I haven't heard a word from her...
Fandy.. I charged 22.00 for my dog walking services...normally I get the money before people go away...but since she was "a friend" I waived that...and yep now I'm out the money and she had a vacation!! it's all just wrong! I know I wouldn't do that to someone.....I'm not going to be there for her....I don't need or want people in my life that do this kind of thing......
Fandy.. I charged 22.00 for my dog walking services...normally I get the money before people go away...but since she was "a friend" I waived that...and yep now I'm out the money and she had a vacation!! it's all just wrong! I know I wouldn't do that to someone.....I'm not going to be there for her....I don't need or want people in my life that do this kind of thing......
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