Forwards

Dear SR friends,

You may rember a thread I started 'One week to get sober' where I tried using external reasons to get sober. It failed spectacularly. I was however struck by the helpful advice from you guys that the reasons for quitting had to come from within myself.

My situation got worse as the weeks went on (usual stuff - drunk at work, drunk meeting new inlaws, unemployment etc.) until some rather alarming physical symtoms revealed themselves - constant leg pain that would not (and has not) gone away. I was sufficiently scared to call the local GP and see an NHS doctor for the first time in 13 years.

Now here's a positive note for our UK members. I was absolutely honest with the GPs about my drinking and their response was surprising. They were positive, suportive and congratulated me for trying to take action and made sure I had all the local details for SMART and AA. The senior nurse who ran a general health check was particularly good. She joked that she could probably get though a couple of bottles a day at the weekend, offered any help she could give and I felt she meant it. Conclusion - I should have done this years ago.

I was eventually referred to the local hospital re the leg pains and something much more scary as well. All this time I was still drinking. This (justifiable) anxiety coupled with the alcohol led me to a state of what I can only describe as real fear. I spent what should have been a beautiful sunny holiday weekend wondering how my family would cope if I got very ill. I did my best to not drink and to hide my fear from them - I failed on both counts.

I awoke today alone, ashamed, hung over, stinking of disgusting beer and terribly fearful. Fearful of the future, fearful of change, fearful of my medical status, fearful for my career, fearful of further deterioration. It's pretty much all encompassing.

So, I have a choice. I can get drunk enough to get through the day (yet again) or give sobriety one more go and hope somehow for the best. My goal, my aim is now 'Freedom From Fear'. That's all I ask. 'Class Of May 2011' here I come, but I'm now more trepidatious than ever.

Very grateful for SR today. Thank you all for reading this.

SSIL75

Good to see you back, Forwards and glad you're reaching out for help.

Bikeguy

Glad your back with us, take it one day at time, you can do this.

Forwards

Hi SSIL75 and Bikeguy, thanks for your responses.

During my first couple of self detoxes I learnt to identify irrational fears around me - there weren't any spiders climbing out of the wall, and no, the house wasn't surrounded by armed raiders and so on. Now I have to face real fears that I can't ignore it's all got a bit more scary.

Still, chin up. Off to the city for my sister's birthday meal this evening and no, I will not be drinking. Thanks again.

Fandy

You can do this....if your self-detox raises your HR and anxiety becomes unbearable, go to seek some professional intervention...you do not want to risk further physical problems.

check in often and you will get constant encouragement and feedback...(feel free to PM me I'll be around all weekend and check the boards)....as someone told me early on (Anna)? cravings only last about 7 minutes...this is indeed true, i have set my microwave timer many times.

good luck on your first day LIVING sober...there is a lot to be said for LIVING, and enjoying your life.

lilac0721

Forwards, you took a huge step by going to seek medical attention and by being completely honest! Check out the recovery groups in your area and keep posting here on SR!

One Day At A Time...

CarolD

Welcome back....
I'm really glad you are getting pro active about your recovery
Yes you too can win over alcohol.

Mida

So glad you're back on SR...I couldn't do it without it...You really can do this (((hugs)))

Krang

Nice to see you back. I know you can do it this time.

bellakeller

Glad you're back. Stick close.

Forwards

Thank you all for your support. As you say, I'll just have to go back to the basics and do this one day at a time. I'm so scared for my future though.

artsoul

Good to see you're back and want to get sober again. I found that a lot of my fear and depression started to subside after getting the alcohol out of my system.

When fear of the future overwhelms you, remember that you can only what you can do right now, today. That's the only way things change and problems get solved..... one moment, one day at a time.:ghug3

Forwards

Thanks artsoul - that's very true. Unfortunately though the strange leg pains don't seem to be going away and are a continual worry. I'll book another doctors appointment for next week to discuss. The alcohol should be out of my system by then.

I've made an important decision this evening. I have been doing my best to hide all of this from my parents, obviously not very well. I'm fed up with the evasions and half truths. Whilst I don't want them worrying I'd like them to know that I am seeking help from all sources available. I don't know how best to tell them though as they are on the other side of the country... any suggestions guys?

Thank you in advance.

MrDavid

Thanks...Forwards for the topic. Welcome back...

I didn't have the luxury of peripheral reasoning, since most of my problems were the direct result of my drinking. I failed miserably at sobering up, time and time again, which caused me to fear the worst especially after every relapse. I couldn't understand why I continued to drink knowing what the consequences would be. I would still be plagued by those careless thoughts of fear, agitation and a compulsory desire to drink, until I uncovered my motives and the reasons why. That process took a long time to unravel and the reasoning varies from person to person but the prospect of a sober life will always have limitless possibilities, regardless of how fearful we have become.

You do have choices and not drinking is one of them. You said and I’m quoting here: "So, I have a choice. I can get drunk enough to get through the day (yet again) or give sobriety one more go and hope somehow for the best". There's still a shred of hope in that storyline of yours and my prayer for you is this: Don’t allow those trepidations the luxuries you can't afford, allow yourself the freedom to experience a sober life instead, void of the fears that can cause us to question our resolve and our sobriety. I hope you give yourself that chance -one day at a time.

~God bless~

ChrissieB

Good Morning Forwards, how fabulous that you have stepped back from the brink... drinking prolongs the fear, it may feel at times that it relieves it but deep down you know the truth... you have the keys to your prison cell in your hands and I believe you are now choosing to open the door to a beautiful fear free life...
You will soon be free completely and begin enjoying life again and the burden will be lifted from your shoulders, Turn your fear over to God or a Higher Power and thank God or your Higher Power for the strength and courage you are now experiencing.
Welcome, welcome welcome to the class of May 2011 xx

artsoul

I think just being honest is the way to go. From your post, it sounds like they already know or at least suspect you have a problem (and our parents usually know us pretty well!)

I'm sorry to hear about your leg pain and hope you can get that figured out soon. Sometimes these things resolve themselves, but you need to stay sober because alcohol neuropathy can be serious and become permanent.

Something in your post struck me:
In the sentences right before this you described the "all encompassing fear" regarding your life, your career and your health. But when you said you were going to "give sobriety another go and somehow hope for the best", it just sounded like there wasn't much motivation there, that you're already betting against yourself. Any thoughts behind this, or am I just reading it wrong?

You know that if you're depressed and have lost hope, you can get help for that, along with any other mental/emotional issues. And of course there's rehab, outpatient treatment, addiction counselors, AA..... lots of tools out there. And SR of course. If you really want it, this can be your last day 1..... :ghug3