wanttobehealthy

My AH told me tonight that he is angry he can't drink and bc of that feels "justified" in lying to me about his on going drinking bc he tells himself "everyone else can have a few beers, why can't I?".

Mind you he doesn't live here with me right now and I am not and have not told him that he can't drink in quite a while.

Is anger about not being able to drink normally a pretty common feeling when someone is trying to stop?

I don't know why it matters so much to me to "understand", but I wanted to ask the question...

Fandy

drinking and lying are not part of recovery.

suki44883

Your husband is not in recovery, early or otherwise.

SSIL75

agree.

BHF

I recall being angry several times due to the fact that I couldn't drink "normally". Angry at myself, God, others, etc. Really I was simply angry that I had to go through life, which I found hard enough, without drinking to deaden the pain. I realized that my drinking was causing problems and worsening others that already existed. I wanted to drink, but knew when it wore off any sense of relief that I had realized would be replaced by misery. At the time, it didn't seem fair. I often asked why me?

At the time, I wasn't in recovery, but the miserable shape that I was in, including questioning why me, eventually led me truly seek recovery. The problem for me was that at the time I was questioning "why me" I didn't realize that my problems weren't caused by drinking alone and couldn't be solved by merely stopping. When I took the alcohol away for any period of time, I had to face life sober and I was unprepared for that...and eventually started drinking again.

If he is an alcoholic, he doesn't just have to stop drinking to recover. He needs to take a long look at what is driving him to drink? I think alcoholism is a two-fold disease/malady. Sure, when an alcoholic consumes alcohol s/he craves more and usually is unable to stop until something stops them (in my case passing out, jail, hospital), but the crazy part is why in the hell we decide to go back for some more afterwards? IMO that is what your AH needs to address.

onlythetruth

Indeed, anger about not being able to drink normally is a very common part of the contemplation phase of recovery, which appears to be where your AH is at the moment. It can also crop up during the action phase.

If you think about it, it's really not that difficult to understand. The reality is that most people can and do drink without any problems and we WANT to be like that too. We don't want to be different. Who would? It takes some time and effort to come to a place where we accept that we--for whatever reason--just can't do this thing that most others can. Many of us, I'd venture to say most, struggle with that for quite a while before we make friends with the reality.

OTT

Mark75

Early sobriety is often a mess... When he's ready to recover, and gets some willingness, it will get better.

Supercrew

At least for me, if I was angry about not drinking I wasn't going to quit. I had to be ready to quit and OK with it because it was my decision. In my opinion if he is angry he doesn't really want to quit.

BackToSquareOne

I've had more early recoveries than I care to remember. You have to be ready to quit or the odds of it lasting aren't good. Don't see how anger plays into the equation if you really want to quit.

Taking5

If he was in recovery he wouldn't be angry he'd be happy. IMHO he is white-knuckling it.

OklaBH

Early on i got irritated easily. I thought "why cant I just have 2 beers or a glass of wine" Im sick. Im allergic to it. I got past it and now i am happy and i relish the TRUTH! There is no gray area anymore.

He needs to hit his "bottom". Once he gets so low he will go one way or the other. Sober up or become a miserable drunk with zero purpose.

I wish I had something more uplifting to say. Sorry babe.

onlythetruth

For me, I was mighty angry when I quit--possibly angrier than before I quit. However, the anger didn't take away from the realization that I needed to quit or the commitment to do so.

It took a while for the anger to settle down, for me to realize that I like life better sober than drunk.

OTT

MsCooterBrown

He is angry because he has an ultimatum..drinking or the family..take your pick. He is an alcoholic and at the point where he can't accept not drinking. Until HE is ready he will not be able to get rid of the incessant internal dialog that goes on in his head daily. Sounds like he is FAR from recovered.

wanttobehealthy

He had a court date last Thurs for a dom viol charge and got off scott free. His "I'm so serious about recovery" song changed as soon as court ended and I wasn't surprised.

Prior to now I haven't seen/heard this "I'm angry, it's unfair, why me" stuff before so I was more curious about whether this is "common" than anything else. Someone said above that it makes sense and I agree-- if I were in his shoes I imagine I'd think that too...

Thing is, he's had quite a few "bottoms" but I guess they weren't bottom enough for him. As soon as the immediate crisis of the latest bottom passes it's as though it never occurred.

I just can't wrap my head around how someone can go to AA, then go drink, go to rehab, then go drink... Seems totally incongruous to me but I guess if this were a rational disease it would be easy to treat and recover from right?

Thanks to all who shared their experience, thoughts-- I appreciate your taking the time to do so.

suki44883

In order for recovery to take hold, the person must truly want it. Your husband doesn't. He is doing the bare minimum he has to in order to fool certain people. He isn't getting anything out of AA because he doesn't want to. The AA program is not meetings, it is honestly working the steps with a sponsor. A person who drinks a couple of times a week isn't in recovery, regardless of how many meetings he attends. He is merely going through the motions and it is obvious that he has no desire to stop drinking.

Eddiebuckle

If he's drinking he's not in recovery.

When I went to rehab they told me I needed three things to get sober: honesty, openess and willingness. My guess is that he's struggling with the first step in the program: "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

As an alcoholic, I had spent my entire life from mid teens till mid forties drinking. It was who I was, what I did, and a major part of the events, people and places I enjoyed. I could tick off a huge checklist: Music: Jimmy Buffett/drinking. Recreation: golf/drinking, skiing/drinking, beach/drinking. Family and Friends: all drinkers, most heavy drinkers. You get the picture.

When an alcoholic is faced with the prospect of not drinking, it's obviously about stopping the intake of a substance that a. makes them feel good (at least sometimes) and b. they suffer physically when supply is limited or stopped. But psychologically it's far larger. It is the giving up of who they see themselves as, their personality, their refuge, their associates, their pastimes. To a non-alcoholic this may seem like BS, but in my experience it was the larger part of my battle to achieve sobriety (enjoying life without alcohol, not merely not drinking).

Last night I was re-reading The Road Less Travelled an old book by M. Scott Peck (1978). There is a section that describes this process quite well, the pain of giving up and growing. It's a phenomenon we all go through in becoming more mature, higher functioning people. We all do it to some extent, and the less we do it the more difficult our lives are. If anyone is interested, please read the sections called Balancing through Renunciation and Rebirth which in my copy were pages 64 through 78.

Your alcoholic is currently stuck. He is clinging to the old ways, but clearly he knows that the old way doesn't work too well or he wouldn't be angry. Whether he gets un-stuck is up to him, if he can recognize that he has to give up the old ways to have a chance at a better life.

I hope this sheds some light....

runner2

detach with love! <3

SSIL75

yeah he doesn't sound even close to wanting to quit. And you just had him in court for a DV charge (I'm presuming he abused you?). Do you have to talk to him at all?

wanttobehealthy

The d.v. charge was totally dismissed-- all he has to do is finish his outpatient rehab program and not get arrested for another 6 months and it'll be like it never happened. Great legal system we have.

I have to communicate about our kids with him-- I don't have to talk to him about his drinking and I haven't been clear about that. I've stood and listened too much recently. I guess he's trying to convince me of what he believes; that he's working the program, that he hates how he's living, that he wants something different.

I'm not buying what he's selling and I tend to think that's why it's still being offered... It is getting hard to listen to and I guess I needed some perspective from those who actually did/are doing the hard work...

I'd been doing well just focussing on me and the past few days am struggling-- I guess I ought to just not care at all what he does ...

Anyway, thanks for all the straight talk. I found myself starting to believe or maybe want to believe some of what he was saying and needed to be straightened out! I appreciate it...

Boleo

Abstinence is not drinking and feeling bad about it.

Recovery is not drinking and felling good about it.