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Just not feeling social at all while sober

Old 05-15-2011, 07:49 AM
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Just not feeling social at all while sober

Does anybody feel like this? I'm not naturally an outgoing/extroverted people person. I just can't find it in me to genuinely care about socializing anymore without alcohol.

How can I break out of this rut?

I guess just force myself to do it even though I could care less most of the time. A lot of the time people seem to just grate on my nerves and I'm kinda disappointed in myself for being this way without the booze factor.

Why O why am I this way? I don't want to dislike people.
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:58 AM
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You aren't alone...that much is for certain.

Half the reason I got so bad with the drinking was BECAUSE of this problem. I'm terribly shy/introverted etc., and the booze 'helped' me be the outgoing/talkative/fun awesome guy I often wished to be. It was hard to walk away even more due to that. Even when I want to open up anymore, I sometimes just naturally am pretty cold/distant.

Give yourself some credit, we're going through some heavy stuff and battling off powerful things...that isn't easy. If we aren't 100% ready for conversations and huge social outings, slowly I think we just need to accept it a bit.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:29 AM
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Today, I am not as social and outgoing as I was while actively drinking. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions and makes it easier to mingle, even if much of the time, I was making a fool of myself while doing so. In a way, I believe that very reason has alot to do with why I am hesistant/scared to socialize today.

I don't like the unknown, and I sure dont like the possibility that you (or anyone) may know about some of the embarrasing things that I did while actively drinking. Heck, I find myself even concerned that complete strangers that I meet may know that I'm an alcoholic. I have created a past that is difficult for me to live down, even though, realistically, I know that no one else is anywhere near as concerned about my former failings as I am.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:34 AM
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BHF , I'm with you big time. Good to know somebody else has those thoughts/worries and I am not alone. I live in the heart of the city and sometimes just walking somewhere to grab milk/dog food etc., I freak out thinking somebody is going to see me that remembers me from the 'old' days (me being in a bar alone, me stumbling down the street etc.,). The one bar two blocks down from my house I spent pretty much every day for the last 4-5 months of my binge for 7-8+ hours a day...in the event that I have to walk past there, sometimes I'll even put my hoodie over my head and walk by insanely quickly.

Even old friends that may mean well, I still just feel lots of shame being around them sometimes, or doubting their sincerity.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:53 AM
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I consider myself a pretty outgoing person, but I find now that I'm just not that interested in "being out there" I find more comfort being at home relaxing or taking walks in nature now...don't be too concerned about it...everything will balance out...
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:44 AM
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Hi DWD - I can relate totally....!

I don't think I ever enjoyed socializing without alcohol. With a drink, it was easier to be that person, but it's not really me. Some people are that way - they want to chit-chat about everything and have people around all the time.
I honestly don't think one is better than the other.

It's OK to be who you are. You don't have to be what you think everyone else expects you to be. I think it's great that you're getting to know yourself - a lot of people never do.

Thanks for the post!!!!
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by DownWDisease View Post

How can I break out of this rut?
While I don't relate a whole lot to what you said, I am way too outgoing, sometimes, for my good... LOL, drives my wife crazy... I love to go to the fellowship of AA and meet and hang out with other sober people. While AA is not the only, or main, source of socialization for me, it's an important one.

Have you tried getting to a meeting early, talking with people, putting yourself out there... I think you may be surprised.
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:15 AM
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I hear you BHF. I've gone so far as to disassociate myself from virtually everyone that I used to drink/use with. If that doesn't speak volumes about how embarrassed I am of my actions while drunk, I don't know what does. Ironically, I was drinking to be more social and rid myself of anxiety. BUT, I needed to get those people out of my life anyway, so that much is good.

To the topic creator, I think virtually everyone deals with this anxiety when they get sober. I quit using right after I started a new job. I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I am an ***hole because I don't eat lunch with them, turn down their invitations to social events, etc. I often find myself wishing that they would just leave me the hell alone.

Things are getting better. Very slowly, but better nonetheless. One thing is for sure though, drinking or using again would put me back to square one.

Great avatar firewalkwithme, btw.
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:16 AM
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thanks.

i'll also chime in, to be completely honest, for the first (atleast) 2-3 weeks of sobriety, if not longer as that is being nice, you shouldn't really let yourself go out too much. i think for some, maybe even me, i beat that into myself big time and can't walk away from that mindset.

the first few weeks in sobriety are the toughest, and you can be your own worst enemy. i knew that after failing/slipping a few times. so this time around, i completely just cut everybody off for the better of my sobriety, not to mention 99% of the 'friends' i had do nothing but go out and party/drink and likely have problems themselves.

but the thing is, down the line, it can get hard to back away from that notion. here i am 11 months sober and i'm still weary sometimes of 'letting go' in a lot of ways. almost self-mothering in an odd way, fearing letting myself get out there with some wrong crowd type people. fear of rejection and being stubborn also play two big things. for one it is the idea of "you don't get where i'm coming from", or "you're going to laugh at it and joke around with it". I have insane amounts of people around me who kid and get sarcastic to run away from problems, and throw cheapshots at serious situations/dilemmas. I don't enjoy that with my sobriety. If you are sober yourself and want to joke around with me, that is okay to an extent. But I can't stand when people crack jokes about it.
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Old 05-15-2011, 02:32 PM
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For me it always went the opposite direction: the more drunk I got, the more urge I felt to be alone. I'm still in early sobriety, but for me it's a lot easier to have a conversation while being sober. I can focus more, think better and there is no need to lie about something.
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Old 05-15-2011, 03:21 PM
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I felt awkward too....until I quit hanging out with my old social circle
of excessive drinkers.
We no longer shared the same outlook ..booze was the common factor.

I connected to an AA group of mostly singles...we were all heading into
a sober lifestyle. We did all sorts of interesting things outside of meetings.....

Perhaps it's not so much about being introverted ..rather finding friends
who you enjoy being sober with?

Remember...we extroverts really need friends who will listen....
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:48 PM
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Completely feel the same on that, but it can be up and down.
I got so bad that I felt I had to drink to even be sociable at work and get through the day.

As for going out socially, I often go to see bands and this is often on my own and the problem with that is that if you have to hang around a while to wait for bands, it's so much easier to hang around and drink pints, which in turn made me more sociable.
BUT in hindsight, the amount of bands i've seen who I remember nothing of is shocking.
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by BHF View Post
Today, I am not as social and outgoing as I was while actively drinking. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions and makes it easier to mingle, even if much of the time, I was making a fool of myself while doing so. In a way, I believe that very reason has alot to do with why I am hesistant/scared to socialize today.

I don't like the unknown, and I sure dont like the possibility that you (or anyone) may know about some of the embarrasing things that I did while actively drinking. Heck, I find myself even concerned that complete strangers that I meet may know that I'm an alcoholic. I have created a past that is difficult for me to live down, even though, realistically, I know that no one else is anywhere near as concerned about my former failings as I am.
I know what you mean about being concerned that complete strangers may know you are an alcoholic. I have the same paranoia in this regard. It's like who know's who this person has talked to about me and what someone has said about my behaviour while being completely lost in an alcohol haze.
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:39 PM
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Thanks everyone for your posts! I just feel like such an outsider/weirdo for being so distant from people without booze. It just sucks, but it's just how I am to be honest. It's a hard deck of cards for me to deal with and I have a long life to go. I guess it's time to just be ME. Afterall, that's all I can do.
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Old 05-16-2011, 04:05 PM
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I used to use alcohol in my late teens and into my mid 30's as a social stimulant. It helped me feel cool and talk to anyone. As I got into my late 30's and early 40's it made me more private. I liked to be alone, and I felt as if I had to hide my drinking so it made me more standoffish in crowds and less outgoing. Basically it was having the opposite effect on me.

Now I am sober and very comfortable in my own skin, and I am more social and outgoing than ever. I finally matured into a friendly likable person, and that person likes to meet people and talk to them. I think liking who you are has to come first before you feel comfortable putting yourself out there.
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Old 05-16-2011, 04:56 PM
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I'm with ya. I can mingle with people one on one sober but in big groups forget it!

I'm sure it will take a lot of time to adjust. I'm guessing the brain even goes through changes in the initial stages of becoming sober
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Old 05-17-2011, 10:12 AM
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I had the same apprehensions about social situations during the first month or so, most of it was mental masturbation about the fact I wasn't drinking and everyone was looking at me etc.. As time has gone on, I am about six months without drinking, I have gotten over the paranoid feelings but I just get bored in some social situations or even when I am having fun I appear to be upset or pissed off. A few times recently my wife and close friends have pulled me aside in social situations to ask if I was "OK" because I looked upset even though I was actually having a good time.

I was at a lunch, for the past few years a bunch of us have gotten together to have lunch twice a year and we would get drunk and take the afternoon off and get nuts, and I was having a good time seeing people I haven't seem in a while and my brother kept asking if I was OK. I guess they were used to the totally care free drunk that I was.. We still had fun, I still told jokes like everyone else and BS stories and such but as the afternoon progressed and as people got drunker it guess I didn't and it appeared as if I wasn't having as much fun. It is a strange feeling that I think will continue to ease as more time goes by. It was cool however that all my friends toasted me for having stopped drinking, with oyster shooters of course, and many said they were proud and wish they could also, some were glad that I stopped because now they have a sober driver in the group.

It is normal to change when you stop taking mind altering substances in social situations.

Good luck
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