The most difficult decision to make!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 125
The most difficult decision to make!
Some of you may know I took up my dream job this month, and moved back with my family, so some may think I am made up about it.
My partner has now taken to using my alcoholism against me. Every time we argue, she brings it up, 'well look what I have had to put up with through you and your drinking', always when she is in the wrong, and if I am not hallucinating her attitude stinks when I'm sober, something has changed and I am not sure if I actually like the girl I have been with for 4 years.
Anyway, when she shows this side of her I have taken to storming out and heading straight for the nearest drinking hole, getting slaughtered and regretting it the next day as I have to head to work taking a quick shot of brandy before to stop my shakes.
This is a developing circle and I can only see disaster at the end of it.
I ask her to leave (as she has moved into my new apartment) and she threatens me with not seeing my daughter. I am accepting her being a bitch because I don't want to be without my daughter, but for sure she is driving me to drink, and I think deliberately.
I don't drink unless she stresses me out, I suppose you could say I am using this as an excuse but really, unless stressed out alcohol is the furthest thing from my mind right now.
Also my alcoholsm seems to have taken a turn for the more serious, now I am actually out of control, I have no clue what I have done in the morning. Usually I can piece things together, but these days I just have no memory at all. I dunno, maybe because I have moved onto drinking whiskey and rum these days rather than beer, but it's quite freightening.
Anyway, I have a feeling my job is on the line over this, and infact I have no motivation for it now and just want to go to bed forever and watch TV and wait until my time comes, crazy, but really how I feel, I am utterly without energy.
Being alone is not an option, I get suicidal when alone, so what do I do?
My partner has now taken to using my alcoholism against me. Every time we argue, she brings it up, 'well look what I have had to put up with through you and your drinking', always when she is in the wrong, and if I am not hallucinating her attitude stinks when I'm sober, something has changed and I am not sure if I actually like the girl I have been with for 4 years.
Anyway, when she shows this side of her I have taken to storming out and heading straight for the nearest drinking hole, getting slaughtered and regretting it the next day as I have to head to work taking a quick shot of brandy before to stop my shakes.
This is a developing circle and I can only see disaster at the end of it.
I ask her to leave (as she has moved into my new apartment) and she threatens me with not seeing my daughter. I am accepting her being a bitch because I don't want to be without my daughter, but for sure she is driving me to drink, and I think deliberately.
I don't drink unless she stresses me out, I suppose you could say I am using this as an excuse but really, unless stressed out alcohol is the furthest thing from my mind right now.
Also my alcoholsm seems to have taken a turn for the more serious, now I am actually out of control, I have no clue what I have done in the morning. Usually I can piece things together, but these days I just have no memory at all. I dunno, maybe because I have moved onto drinking whiskey and rum these days rather than beer, but it's quite freightening.
Anyway, I have a feeling my job is on the line over this, and infact I have no motivation for it now and just want to go to bed forever and watch TV and wait until my time comes, crazy, but really how I feel, I am utterly without energy.
Being alone is not an option, I get suicidal when alone, so what do I do?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
Scrub,
I'm sorry for your troubles but it sounds to me like you really need to find some help. Have you talked with your doctor? They can help with detox and give recommendations for rehab options, it's a hard step but it may-be just the help or push you need to get you on your way. Take care of yourself!
I'm sorry for your troubles but it sounds to me like you really need to find some help. Have you talked with your doctor? They can help with detox and give recommendations for rehab options, it's a hard step but it may-be just the help or push you need to get you on your way. Take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 270
Originally Posted by Scrubmuncher 
Also my alcoholsm seems to have taken a turn for the more serious, now I am actually out of control, I have no clue what I have done in the morning. Usually I can piece things together, but these days I just have no memory at all. I dunno, maybe because I have moved onto drinking whiskey and rum these days rather than beer, but it's quite freightening.
Anyway, I have a feeling my job is on the line over this, and infact I have no motivation for it now and just want to go to bed forever and watch TV and wait until my time comes, crazy, but really how I feel, I am utterly without energy.
Being alone is not an option, I get suicidal when alone, so what do I do?
Anyway, I have a feeling my job is on the line over this, and infact I have no motivation for it now and just want to go to bed forever and watch TV and wait until my time comes, crazy, but really how I feel, I am utterly without energy.
Being alone is not an option, I get suicidal when alone, so what do I do?
Allow your head to clear, your to depression lift, and your nerves to settle down, so that you are not making any rash decisions and putting your job and life on the line.
The alcohol is exasperating your stress and your depression, even when sober, and quite possibly causing your suicidal thoughts.
For closers, NEVER DRINK AGAIN.
Do whatever it takes - just stay safe.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
You're right.. excuses. A lot of us get stressed out. A lot of us stay sober, because we've worked on our recovery enough to learn new tools to live our lives by.
Sounds like a toxic relationship... I got rid of those too when I got sober.
Sounds like a toxic relationship... I got rid of those too when I got sober.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Scrubmuncher
I don't drink unless she stresses me out, I suppose you could say I am using this as an excuse but really, unless stressed out alcohol is the furthest thing from my mind right now.
"my alcoholsm seems to have taken a turn for the more serious, now I am actually out of control..."
Being sober doesn't make stress go away. Recovery, hopefully, will teach you 1) how to handle stress and 2) that some things are stressful. Get used to it. Don't drink over it.
I haven't looked over your older posts, are you in some sort of recovery program or counseling? Or are you just hoping that "wanting" to be sober will make it so? Because it isn't enough.
I wish you much luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
I used to blame others for my drinking too.
But, no one can drive you to drink. Only you can do that.
It sounds like counselling would be helpful for you. It could be that counselling would help you feel comfortable living alone. And, getting sober will help everything in your life, including your relationship with your daughter.
But, no one can drive you to drink. Only you can do that.
It sounds like counselling would be helpful for you. It could be that counselling would help you feel comfortable living alone. And, getting sober will help everything in your life, including your relationship with your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 270
Originally Posted by Scrubmuncher
Also my alcoholsm seems to have taken a turn for the more serious, now I am actually out of control, I have no clue what I have done in the morning. Usually I can piece things together, but these days I just have no memory at all. I dunno, maybe because I have moved onto drinking whiskey and rum these days rather than beer, but it's quite freightening.
Like you, in short order, I started drinking in the morning, since my nerves were on fire. It didn't take long for it to become an all day affair.
This went on for over a year and a half, the "nerves/shakes" got even worse, and my depression reached horrific proportions. I made many bad decisions in that state, some of which I may regret for the rest of my life.
The elevator only goes down. Get off while you still can.
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
This sounds pretty identical to exactly what I was telling myself after my last bender and the early part of my rehab stint a few weeks ago.
I felt like my GF drove me to drink , I couldn't deal with her attitude and emotions and comments unless I was drinking. It worked out great when we were both drinking , not so much when she stopped and I didn't. although it worked out fairly well even then as long as I wasn't smashed...
Like JohnBarley though , My drinking was well tolerated until the past year or so when it switched to Vodka and started happening earlier and earlier in the day. Waking up every morning with black rings under my eyes and telling myself in the mirror that this was the last time , It's got to stop , no more.... then 45 hours later I'm sitting in a parking lot sipping on Vodka just to calm the nerves and shakes.
Telling myself just this little half pint and that's it ...... a 1/5th later and Headed to bed to repeat the same cycle again.
So a couple things.
A: As long as you keep drinking you keep giving her Ammo to use against you and she can use it against you WITH YOUR DAUGHTER if she leaves. Judges don't look highly on single parents with drinking/drug problems. You're also a man so you have one point against you already.
B: she likely will continue to use this against you and may want you to drink because it is her ammo and her way of manipulating the situation. She's grown used to and resentful of past actions and has learned to expect certain things. When those things aren't there any longer , she feels out of sorts and lost just as you do because the dynamic has changed. (I've been dealing with this piece the past few weeks and I think it kills her that I'm not reacting the same as I was and now she's starting to see her own actions because mine are so much calmer and less antagonistic)
C: This is likely something you will need to accept while STAYING sober for a while. Especially if you know you did do these things and can admit she has some reason for resentment and expectations from past experience.
At some point you would both need to sit down and talk about her still using the past to manipulate you , but the only way that will ever happen is if you can get some sober time under your belt first ( figuratively you preverts !!! )
Really though, even though I fully believe you when you say she's in the wrong and she's using your mistakes to justify her own actions ( I did that for the last year of my relationship as well- resentments are a bitch ). I don't encourage ever laying down to get walked on , but taking a few lickings for past decisions is part of the process and if you want to keep your daughter , not drinking should be your primary goal.
If things don't work out with her , you will need that alcohol money and some sobriety to ensure you get access and time with your daughter through the courts.
Good luck - It took a week detox in rehab to clear my head enough to realize that my relationship may be coming to an end because of my sobriety , but that sobriety was more important to me for my kids and myself.
P.S. You will NEVER be alone if you get involved in AA the way it is suggested. You meet and greet lots of new people with the same or similar struggles and you make new acquaintances in a different way. Most people in there have been atleast near suicidal at some point of their lives due to drinking and will understand that need for human contact. That's part of the 1st step ( which took me a longtime to really understand fully ) ... For me step one was finally admitting I was out of control and going to detox. I happen to take step 3 while there ( Although I thought I had already done so ).
I felt like my GF drove me to drink , I couldn't deal with her attitude and emotions and comments unless I was drinking. It worked out great when we were both drinking , not so much when she stopped and I didn't. although it worked out fairly well even then as long as I wasn't smashed...
Like JohnBarley though , My drinking was well tolerated until the past year or so when it switched to Vodka and started happening earlier and earlier in the day. Waking up every morning with black rings under my eyes and telling myself in the mirror that this was the last time , It's got to stop , no more.... then 45 hours later I'm sitting in a parking lot sipping on Vodka just to calm the nerves and shakes.
Telling myself just this little half pint and that's it ...... a 1/5th later and Headed to bed to repeat the same cycle again.
So a couple things.
A: As long as you keep drinking you keep giving her Ammo to use against you and she can use it against you WITH YOUR DAUGHTER if she leaves. Judges don't look highly on single parents with drinking/drug problems. You're also a man so you have one point against you already.
B: she likely will continue to use this against you and may want you to drink because it is her ammo and her way of manipulating the situation. She's grown used to and resentful of past actions and has learned to expect certain things. When those things aren't there any longer , she feels out of sorts and lost just as you do because the dynamic has changed. (I've been dealing with this piece the past few weeks and I think it kills her that I'm not reacting the same as I was and now she's starting to see her own actions because mine are so much calmer and less antagonistic)
C: This is likely something you will need to accept while STAYING sober for a while. Especially if you know you did do these things and can admit she has some reason for resentment and expectations from past experience.
At some point you would both need to sit down and talk about her still using the past to manipulate you , but the only way that will ever happen is if you can get some sober time under your belt first ( figuratively you preverts !!! )
Really though, even though I fully believe you when you say she's in the wrong and she's using your mistakes to justify her own actions ( I did that for the last year of my relationship as well- resentments are a bitch ). I don't encourage ever laying down to get walked on , but taking a few lickings for past decisions is part of the process and if you want to keep your daughter , not drinking should be your primary goal.
If things don't work out with her , you will need that alcohol money and some sobriety to ensure you get access and time with your daughter through the courts.
Good luck - It took a week detox in rehab to clear my head enough to realize that my relationship may be coming to an end because of my sobriety , but that sobriety was more important to me for my kids and myself.
P.S. You will NEVER be alone if you get involved in AA the way it is suggested. You meet and greet lots of new people with the same or similar struggles and you make new acquaintances in a different way. Most people in there have been atleast near suicidal at some point of their lives due to drinking and will understand that need for human contact. That's part of the 1st step ( which took me a longtime to really understand fully ) ... For me step one was finally admitting I was out of control and going to detox. I happen to take step 3 while there ( Although I thought I had already done so ).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Originally Posted by Scrubmuncher
Being alone is not an option, I get suicidal when alone, so what do I do?
Or you can keep trying the same thing getting the same results.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Stop drinking. You're going to kill yourself. The job and your gfriend are the least of the concerns. Do WHATEVER it takes to stop hurting yourself....meetings, doctors, rehab.. I'm scared for you, really
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Scrub-
More than your job may be on the line here if you keep it up.
Getting sober is hard, but accepting our alcoholism and the fact that we are our own problem is even harder.
Maybe it's time to let go of some old ideas and get working on your sobriety?
Do something, anything, everything different.
Kjell~
More than your job may be on the line here if you keep it up.
Getting sober is hard, but accepting our alcoholism and the fact that we are our own problem is even harder.
Maybe it's time to let go of some old ideas and get working on your sobriety?
Do something, anything, everything different.
Kjell~
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
but for sure she is driving me to drink, and I think deliberately.
No one can "drive you to drink". It's your choice to drink, and right now I'd suggest getting sober so you'll have a legal and moral leg to stand on when it comes to being with your daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 125
I've moved away and so none of this is available to me. There is an AA community I am considering giving a go, but we'll see. It is a small community and I'd hate it to get back to my employers that I was at AA.
Telling me to stop drinking is not much help, but thanks anyway. I am trying and have been for 20 years, sort of accepting I need to control it as I don't seem to beable to stop completely. I'll go a while then blow out and drink myself into oblivion, I woke up in another village last weekend, one I had never even heard of before which was rather interesting, I was never as bad as that in my prior years. If I could move back to beer maybe I would be a bit better at this life. Now I've moved onto hard stuff I seem much worse.
I'm going to try 3 days this time. I've set myself until saturday, and if I make it that far I'll try another 3.
As for my relationship, I'm already trying to think of how to do this without causing any hate between us and so I can keep good contact with my daughter. As for custody, I'm not even sure I'd trust myself 24/7 right now, I'm responsible at least to know that.
Telling me to stop drinking is not much help, but thanks anyway. I am trying and have been for 20 years, sort of accepting I need to control it as I don't seem to beable to stop completely. I'll go a while then blow out and drink myself into oblivion, I woke up in another village last weekend, one I had never even heard of before which was rather interesting, I was never as bad as that in my prior years. If I could move back to beer maybe I would be a bit better at this life. Now I've moved onto hard stuff I seem much worse.
I'm going to try 3 days this time. I've set myself until saturday, and if I make it that far I'll try another 3.
As for my relationship, I'm already trying to think of how to do this without causing any hate between us and so I can keep good contact with my daughter. As for custody, I'm not even sure I'd trust myself 24/7 right now, I'm responsible at least to know that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Telling me to stop drinking is not much help, but thanks anyway. I am trying and have been for 20 years, sort of accepting I need to control it as I don't seem to beable to stop completely.
I don't know how much more plainly I can put it.
Go back and read some of your old threads - that's what alcohol does to you.
I hope you find your way soon.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Originally Posted by Scrubmuncher
Telling me to stop drinking is not much help, but thanks anyway. I am trying and have been for 20 years, sort of accepting I need to control it as I don't seem to be able to stop completely.
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